Life, Love, and Other Disasters
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Broken Bird"A collection of poems on these themes
47 total reviews
Comment from Lisa Deverick
wow- that last stanza just hits the ball out of the park! I think if you were able to shorten this a bit, and bring your metaphor to light, this would be a 6 rating. well done
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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wow- that last stanza just hits the ball out of the park! I think if you were able to shorten this a bit, and bring your metaphor to light, this would be a 6 rating. well done
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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Thanks, Lisa.
And here was me thinking I could easily have made it longer...
Steve
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haha I know right?...it is easy to do. two of my favorite poems of my own I was given suggestions to do the same. It felt like taking an arm off a baby! Well, not that bad, but once I did it- I liked it better!
Have a happy day friend.
Comment from Susanne M. Psyris
Kiwisteveh, friggin' most beautiful, imagery-filled, free-verse I have read in a long while here. This is just awesome. The artwork you chose is incredible for this work. My favorite (and, this was hard because I love them all!) is the following:
You were wild,
impossible to hold,
with talons, I remember, quick to strike
the careless hand
that reached out to caress.
And I was lost,
untutored then in life's unjust affairs,
for patient love had power, or so I thought,
to mend the shattered fragments
of the heart.
This is very vivid and emotional for me. I have so much love for this little bird! You are so talented in this arena/form. I am very envious, but not jealous. Just want to read more of you and learn. Good luck in the contest...should fare very well. I can't see voting for any other! I know, not fair to state that. God bless and hugs, Susanne
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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Kiwisteveh, friggin' most beautiful, imagery-filled, free-verse I have read in a long while here. This is just awesome. The artwork you chose is incredible for this work. My favorite (and, this was hard because I love them all!) is the following:
You were wild,
impossible to hold,
with talons, I remember, quick to strike
the careless hand
that reached out to caress.
And I was lost,
untutored then in life's unjust affairs,
for patient love had power, or so I thought,
to mend the shattered fragments
of the heart.
This is very vivid and emotional for me. I have so much love for this little bird! You are so talented in this arena/form. I am very envious, but not jealous. Just want to read more of you and learn. Good luck in the contest...should fare very well. I can't see voting for any other! I know, not fair to state that. God bless and hugs, Susanne
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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Susanee, thank you so much for the sincere and beautiful comments and the six shiny stars. I am very glad you enjoyed this. It took me forever to be brave enough to write free verse - something I though only 'real poets' could do. I may go check my portfolio tonight and try to put my finger on the very first time I tried - I reckon it's less than two years ago.
Indeed the bird deserves to be loved. Not her fault she was wounded and 'broken' and she has suffered more pain than anyone else in her life...
Steve
Comment from hhalapin19
This is a wonderful piece! I can feel the emotions you had while writing this and it is very well worded. It creates such a beautiful image in my mind as I read it. A great example of what this site is all about and a wonderful piece overall. God Bless.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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This is a wonderful piece! I can feel the emotions you had while writing this and it is very well worded. It creates such a beautiful image in my mind as I read it. A great example of what this site is all about and a wonderful piece overall. God Bless.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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Thanks for the great review - I am glad you enjoyed my free verse.
And a big welcome to FanStory. I have taken the liberty of peeking into your portfolio and it strikes me that you are not getting many reviews. Have you found out how to earn member dollars so that you can promote your work to get more reviews?
Anyway, if I have a chance tonight, I will go back and review a couple of your pieces. I have a couple of thoughts about your free verse in particular...
Steve
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Dammit. I just gave away my last six.
Steve, this is seriously beautiful. I've read it several times.
My fave bits:
You were wild,
impossible to hold,
with talons, I remember, quick to strike
the careless hand
that reached out to caress.
You raged, you raged at fate
that promised flight,
then stole the means to fly.
Poor bird, your serenade became a dirge.
But love has no dominion over pain
inflicted young,
imprinted on the soul,
and heaven holds no place
for such as we
Truly one of the best poems I've read in ages. Wow.
If the committee ignore this one, I'll eat my hearth rug.
Av
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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Dammit. I just gave away my last six.
Steve, this is seriously beautiful. I've read it several times.
My fave bits:
You were wild,
impossible to hold,
with talons, I remember, quick to strike
the careless hand
that reached out to caress.
You raged, you raged at fate
that promised flight,
then stole the means to fly.
Poor bird, your serenade became a dirge.
But love has no dominion over pain
inflicted young,
imprinted on the soul,
and heaven holds no place
for such as we
Truly one of the best poems I've read in ages. Wow.
If the committee ignore this one, I'll eat my hearth rug.
Av
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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What an extravagant six-giver you must be! It's only Tuesday - probably Monday where you are! But thanks for the virtual...
Thanks, too, for the very kind words. I do try hard! But if recent experience is anything to go by, I'd be keeping my eye out for a new hearth rug.... Good thing you've got $100 in your kitty!
Steve
Comment from Pantygynt
If only more exponents of free verse would realise that there can and should be rhythm even when there is no regularity of metre or syllable count. It seems to be something that some writers have instictively. Their verse, like this, sings as it goes along. The linear and stanza divisions have a purpose and are not just random carve-ups of a piece of prose. Without it, free verse is every bit as dry and uninteresting as a ryvita sandwich. With it, it is poetry as surly as any rhyming or metrical verse is. Thank you for this beautiful piece.,
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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If only more exponents of free verse would realise that there can and should be rhythm even when there is no regularity of metre or syllable count. It seems to be something that some writers have instictively. Their verse, like this, sings as it goes along. The linear and stanza divisions have a purpose and are not just random carve-ups of a piece of prose. Without it, free verse is every bit as dry and uninteresting as a ryvita sandwich. With it, it is poetry as surly as any rhyming or metrical verse is. Thank you for this beautiful piece.,
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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Gynt, thanks for the kind words and the thoughts.
Actually, it's not so surprising that this piece has rhythm and even occasional rhyme, since it started life as something that was not really free verse at all! A bit of shrewd re-editing might reveal quite a few iambic pentameters! Glad you enjoyed, though, and no one's spotted the 'deception' so far!
Steve
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As you may have gathered I prefer the element of rhythm in free verse. It doesn't have to be continuous and it may change but a hint of it needs to there. That is just my opinion though.
Comment from Spiritual Echo
A very profound metaphor. Trying to tame someone, making another adhere to the rules can erase the very traits and essence of the one who was loved. To find oneself in a prison of one's own making is more horrifying than allowing those talons their pound of flesh.
This is an excellent example of structured free verse. Very good.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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A very profound metaphor. Trying to tame someone, making another adhere to the rules can erase the very traits and essence of the one who was loved. To find oneself in a prison of one's own making is more horrifying than allowing those talons their pound of flesh.
This is an excellent example of structured free verse. Very good.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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Thanks for the very kind words - indeed it was a most complicated relationship I was trying to describe.
Steve
Comment from dragonpoet
This speaker really loves the bird(nice extended metaphor) that brought ligtht to his/her life. The lover is wounded be other relationships and can't seem to trust this love. How sad that a person is so wounded that no love can get through to the heart to cure it.
Good luck in the contest.
Keep writing
Joan
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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This speaker really loves the bird(nice extended metaphor) that brought ligtht to his/her life. The lover is wounded be other relationships and can't seem to trust this love. How sad that a person is so wounded that no love can get through to the heart to cure it.
Good luck in the contest.
Keep writing
Joan
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2016
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Thanks, Joan.
Indeed it was a most complicated relationship I was trying to describe.
Steve
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It's what we're her to do, Steve.
Joan
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written free verse poem. The broken bird touched the heart of the author but he could not know that the broken heart was far beyond repair.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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A very well-written free verse poem. The broken bird touched the heart of the author but he could not know that the broken heart was far beyond repair.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Thanks, Sandra - glad you enjoyed.
Steve
Comment from tfawcus
Another of yours that should be on the podium. I hope it makes it this time. The metaphor is skilfully developed. However artfully the victims of child abuse may seem to hide the trauma, the mark is indelible, and your lines describing that are among the best in the poem:
"But love has no dominion over pain
inflicted young,
imprinted on the soul"
Even sustained 'patient love' can only go so far, but no further.
The idea of the songbird is particularly powerful. I am reminded in some ways of Oscar Wilde's fairytale of the rose and the nightingale, in terms of haunting and hopeless melody. Music has a way of expressing tragedy more strongly than mere words can.
I was interested by your choice of 'captor' in the final line, which reinforces the sense of male-dominated ownership. It leaves one with the feeling that, even if she were mended, she would only be allowed to fly at the end of a tether.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Another of yours that should be on the podium. I hope it makes it this time. The metaphor is skilfully developed. However artfully the victims of child abuse may seem to hide the trauma, the mark is indelible, and your lines describing that are among the best in the poem:
"But love has no dominion over pain
inflicted young,
imprinted on the soul"
Even sustained 'patient love' can only go so far, but no further.
The idea of the songbird is particularly powerful. I am reminded in some ways of Oscar Wilde's fairytale of the rose and the nightingale, in terms of haunting and hopeless melody. Music has a way of expressing tragedy more strongly than mere words can.
I was interested by your choice of 'captor' in the final line, which reinforces the sense of male-dominated ownership. It leaves one with the feeling that, even if she were mended, she would only be allowed to fly at the end of a tether.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Tony, many thank for the excellent review - you show great understanding of the poem and what's more, you are confident enough to express it. In particular, thank you for your thoughts about what might have been a sloppy word choice in 'captor.' I certainly didn't want to create the impression of male domination, but more of two victims - one of a traumatic childhood and one of loving someone who will never be 'whole'.
I have cast my eye back over it, trying to think of alternatives, but nothing springs to mind yet 'I join my wildling in her cage' just doesn't feel right for some reason. 'lover' instead of 'captor' perhaps, but that word carries baggage. I'll sleep on it.
Interestingly, you are the only reviewer to mention child abuse, and the only one to pick on the use of 'captor'.
Steve
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Perhaps
'a captive and a wildling
in a cage'
Comment from Janet Foor
This is a thought provoking free verse poem fill with metaphorical images.
The broken bird - injured early in life and cannot seem to recover.
A sad commentary for the heart.
Well done and good luck in the contest.
Blessings
Janet
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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This is a thought provoking free verse poem fill with metaphorical images.
The broken bird - injured early in life and cannot seem to recover.
A sad commentary for the heart.
Well done and good luck in the contest.
Blessings
Janet
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2016
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Janet, thanks so much for the fine review and , of course, the six strs.
Steve