Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "Leading Beneath the Mines"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
33 total reviews
Comment from Auto-Manic
Love science fiction fantasy. It feels more comfortable to me so I hope this helps. It intrigued me by the way you used animals for clans, All Native Americans do. The premise of isolation reminds me of another story about a woman who needs to get medical attention but her enclosed society won't let her out. It is also freakishly like the Mormons up on the Arizona Strip.
I wonder if 'Tepid' is a good description for the mine? It makes me think of warm to hot and sticky, which they are not.
Some little things like: Instill the people of Mine City (with) the same sense of freedom...
You seem to put commas where a period would go, ie. "Oh. Archie wasn't sure...
"I'm sorry. Archie sputtered...
As an old Journalist the flow is something I'm always aware of. Active voice Vs Passive voice. Example; 'Going to leave us at some point' or just 'leaving us at some point..." If it sounds bulky when you read it out loud to yourself, or find you're stumbling on things, very good clue.
no nothing. ie, Know nothing. Style error.
But here are some of the things I appreciate a lot: not a lot of comma stoppers. Most people have the tendency to overuse commas, they put one in while they stop and think about the next bunch of words, then they don't realize it stops the flow of the story.
So things to be aware of: Passive voice Vs. Active Voice. Style. (if you don't have one, get an AP style book, it really helps) and watch words like 'no' and 'Know'
Lots of respect for what you're eluding to. Keep it up
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Love science fiction fantasy. It feels more comfortable to me so I hope this helps. It intrigued me by the way you used animals for clans, All Native Americans do. The premise of isolation reminds me of another story about a woman who needs to get medical attention but her enclosed society won't let her out. It is also freakishly like the Mormons up on the Arizona Strip.
I wonder if 'Tepid' is a good description for the mine? It makes me think of warm to hot and sticky, which they are not.
Some little things like: Instill the people of Mine City (with) the same sense of freedom...
You seem to put commas where a period would go, ie. "Oh. Archie wasn't sure...
"I'm sorry. Archie sputtered...
As an old Journalist the flow is something I'm always aware of. Active voice Vs Passive voice. Example; 'Going to leave us at some point' or just 'leaving us at some point..." If it sounds bulky when you read it out loud to yourself, or find you're stumbling on things, very good clue.
no nothing. ie, Know nothing. Style error.
But here are some of the things I appreciate a lot: not a lot of comma stoppers. Most people have the tendency to overuse commas, they put one in while they stop and think about the next bunch of words, then they don't realize it stops the flow of the story.
So things to be aware of: Passive voice Vs. Active Voice. Style. (if you don't have one, get an AP style book, it really helps) and watch words like 'no' and 'Know'
Lots of respect for what you're eluding to. Keep it up
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your time and attention on the chapter. Sorry for the late reply, but I've been in the hospital off and on all Summer, and that's another story in itself.
Take care,
Rhonda
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God speed my friend
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Rhonda,
It's been a while. lol
A good solid return to form here in this instalment. Consistent and engaging.
Deep in the bowels of the San Juan Mountains, Archie, Sani and the girls face the next stage of their journey. - very sexist here! lol 'the girls', we can see who the important people are here with this off-hand round-up... I'm kidding but I know a lot of people who would read into this greatly.
"If you have to ask that question, you're not really a leader. - need closing speech marks here.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Hi Rhonda,
It's been a while. lol
A good solid return to form here in this instalment. Consistent and engaging.
Deep in the bowels of the San Juan Mountains, Archie, Sani and the girls face the next stage of their journey. - very sexist here! lol 'the girls', we can see who the important people are here with this off-hand round-up... I'm kidding but I know a lot of people who would read into this greatly.
"If you have to ask that question, you're not really a leader. - need closing speech marks here.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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You are entirely right on the "girls". While that was okay for "The Daredevil Girls" to refer to them as "Girls", not so much here. Thanks for pointing it out, my friend.
I appreciate the review, and am sorry for the late response, but I've been back in the hospital again. Home now...
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from rspoet
Excellent chapter full of suspense, information and surprise
It reminds me of the "heroic fantasy novels or movies" such a Stars Wars
where the old wise leader (Obiwan) must exit and turn over the role to a new younger hero (Luke). So too with Sani, though he may return (who knows)
"listen to the walls" or maybe Pink Floyd - The Wall, singular
"No. Some are quite good, and, [Young] Archie, (young)
"Are these the Tommyknockers you spoke of before - the outliers?" So now we know they are real. This is a good element.
Excellent introduction of the nature of political dilemma's, as well as the difficulty of public opinion.
This is a very well developed chapter, and signals a change in the story. Now it is up to Archie, Alaya, and Koko. (Luke, Han and Leia) lol
Six stars to light the way in the mine
I hope you are doing better each day!
RS
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2017
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Excellent chapter full of suspense, information and surprise
It reminds me of the "heroic fantasy novels or movies" such a Stars Wars
where the old wise leader (Obiwan) must exit and turn over the role to a new younger hero (Luke). So too with Sani, though he may return (who knows)
"listen to the walls" or maybe Pink Floyd - The Wall, singular
"No. Some are quite good, and, [Young] Archie, (young)
"Are these the Tommyknockers you spoke of before - the outliers?" So now we know they are real. This is a good element.
Excellent introduction of the nature of political dilemma's, as well as the difficulty of public opinion.
This is a very well developed chapter, and signals a change in the story. Now it is up to Archie, Alaya, and Koko. (Luke, Han and Leia) lol
Six stars to light the way in the mine
I hope you are doing better each day!
RS
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2017
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Hi!!
Thanks for the beautiful 6 stars. Sorry it's taken so long to get back to you. I didn't forget, I just went back to the hospital. It just isn't the best place to write. My Muse takes a hike. She says I might have to be there, but she sure as heck doesn't. lol.
I love the comments. You look deeply into the inner workings of the story, and always have. Great insight!!
Thanks for the help, and I'll make those corrections as soon as I can.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from dweigt
Wow! Impressive. I read it through without pause, nothing snagging my attention and taking me out of the story. I didn't notice anything needing revision, so I pretty much have to give you six stars, don't I? ;-)
Keep Writing!
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Wow! Impressive. I read it through without pause, nothing snagging my attention and taking me out of the story. I didn't notice anything needing revision, so I pretty much have to give you six stars, don't I? ;-)
Keep Writing!
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Thank you for the beautiful six star gift. I do so appreciate it!! I'm sorry this is late. It's not because I don't care, but because I've been back in the hospital. I am currently back home, so I'll try to get caught up.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Tod Moran
Now this is an interesting tale. Well told, I'm not a big fan or pages of dialogue but that is a question of style. This work handles it well, it works, enough said.
I do like the ethical issues raised. That is why I write SciFi, like Orwell and Huxley, and Clarke, it gives the writer a chance to address issues in a different way.
THis work, even in this short segment, does that.
Thank you for the opportunity to review this piece.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Now this is an interesting tale. Well told, I'm not a big fan or pages of dialogue but that is a question of style. This work handles it well, it works, enough said.
I do like the ethical issues raised. That is why I write SciFi, like Orwell and Huxley, and Clarke, it gives the writer a chance to address issues in a different way.
THis work, even in this short segment, does that.
Thank you for the opportunity to review this piece.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Thank you, Tod!
I appreciate your honest and well thought out review. I try not to put so much dialogue, but it just comes out that way. lol.
I do like the ethics part, though, so we can meet there.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from kriver
Hi Rhonda,
I am sorry you have been in a lot of pain from your surgeries
But remember JESUS' unequivocal promise to you personally HE said by my stripes you(Rhonda) are healed. So now you job is to by faith call that which you hope for ( your healing) as though it has already happened. Even if it hasn't yet in the natural of what you now see. Thank HIM and praise HIM continuously that you are healed and are pain free and it will soon be so.
Truly deep down gut level Believe it. Peter when he walked on water was fine until he took his eyes off JESUS and looked down and realized the natural state of his circumstances. This was when he got scared and started to sink. Keep your focus on JESUS no matter what the circumstances around you dictate. They don't matter what is extremely important is that you praise the LORD no matter what. Continuing to do so until what you are believing for ( in this case your promised healing) comes to pass. The whip that was used on JESUS had 9 parts to it. It was like HE got hit 9 times with each strike. He was beaten so badly that in some places it was clear to the bone. He felt everything a man would feel under those conditions. Here is a question to think about What human (real meaning not an abusive one) father if they had the power to stop such a thing wouldn't do so and give their life if they had to in the process. Therefore, you can see those stripes that were taken for our healing was an extremely serious thing to GOD HIMSELF. So the promise is of major importance because of that fact too.
Dwell on these things when it gets difficult for you and raise your voice in praise of the LORD all the more refusing to give in to your natural state.
Best regards,
K River
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Hi Rhonda,
I am sorry you have been in a lot of pain from your surgeries
But remember JESUS' unequivocal promise to you personally HE said by my stripes you(Rhonda) are healed. So now you job is to by faith call that which you hope for ( your healing) as though it has already happened. Even if it hasn't yet in the natural of what you now see. Thank HIM and praise HIM continuously that you are healed and are pain free and it will soon be so.
Truly deep down gut level Believe it. Peter when he walked on water was fine until he took his eyes off JESUS and looked down and realized the natural state of his circumstances. This was when he got scared and started to sink. Keep your focus on JESUS no matter what the circumstances around you dictate. They don't matter what is extremely important is that you praise the LORD no matter what. Continuing to do so until what you are believing for ( in this case your promised healing) comes to pass. The whip that was used on JESUS had 9 parts to it. It was like HE got hit 9 times with each strike. He was beaten so badly that in some places it was clear to the bone. He felt everything a man would feel under those conditions. Here is a question to think about What human (real meaning not an abusive one) father if they had the power to stop such a thing wouldn't do so and give their life if they had to in the process. Therefore, you can see those stripes that were taken for our healing was an extremely serious thing to GOD HIMSELF. So the promise is of major importance because of that fact too.
Dwell on these things when it gets difficult for you and raise your voice in praise of the LORD all the more refusing to give in to your natural state.
Best regards,
K River
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your very helpful remarks. I will take this to heart. This last time I went in (4th) I went in with a lot more faith. Everything went better for me for my decision to keep trusting, no matter how it seemed to be working out. I'm home again, and living by faith.
Again, much thanks!!
Rhond
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day again, Cowgirl.
Righto, let's get cracking and have a hit of action.
"A grizzled white head tilted in mute invitation, and sparkling blue eyes engaged Archie's golden ones in challenge." (Beautiful stuff... very descriptive.)
"Relax, Son. Let all your thoughts drain into the rock." (Sounds like meditation.)
"and you might also expect them to give you a bit of a problem later when you try to go public with what you know." (You betcha!)
"We can't just walk in there and announce we've arrived to set everyone free." (Hahahaha! If only.)
"I get that, and I'm willing to do what I need (to)."
" I know it will be a bit of a shock (at) first, but we'll all adjust. What do we do first?" (Maybe replace on of the "firsts")
"I got you here because it was the right thing to do. Now it's time for you to take over." (Ouch!)
"I don't know what to do. I've never been to Mine City, and no(know) nothing of its structure," Archie protested."
"It has an opening to the outside on the East side. Only trustees are allowed to go out (of or through) it,"
"That and proproganda (propaganda) to make them believe"
"Will you leave me explosives?"
"No," (Damn!)
"Do these people have a leader?"
"Yes, you." (Hahahaha! Cop that Polli!)
Wow, what a huge surprise at the end there, mate. You have to love these wise old feral bushies and there educated scene vacating techniques... if that makes any sense at all lol.
The problem I can see here, for the mission, is that politicians are only good in packs and entirely useless on their own... good luck.
Great work once again. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2017
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G'day again, Cowgirl.
Righto, let's get cracking and have a hit of action.
"A grizzled white head tilted in mute invitation, and sparkling blue eyes engaged Archie's golden ones in challenge." (Beautiful stuff... very descriptive.)
"Relax, Son. Let all your thoughts drain into the rock." (Sounds like meditation.)
"and you might also expect them to give you a bit of a problem later when you try to go public with what you know." (You betcha!)
"We can't just walk in there and announce we've arrived to set everyone free." (Hahahaha! If only.)
"I get that, and I'm willing to do what I need (to)."
" I know it will be a bit of a shock (at) first, but we'll all adjust. What do we do first?" (Maybe replace on of the "firsts")
"I got you here because it was the right thing to do. Now it's time for you to take over." (Ouch!)
"I don't know what to do. I've never been to Mine City, and no(know) nothing of its structure," Archie protested."
"It has an opening to the outside on the East side. Only trustees are allowed to go out (of or through) it,"
"That and proproganda (propaganda) to make them believe"
"Will you leave me explosives?"
"No," (Damn!)
"Do these people have a leader?"
"Yes, you." (Hahahaha! Cop that Polli!)
Wow, what a huge surprise at the end there, mate. You have to love these wise old feral bushies and there educated scene vacating techniques... if that makes any sense at all lol.
The problem I can see here, for the mission, is that politicians are only good in packs and entirely useless on their own... good luck.
Great work once again. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2017
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Thank you for those beautiful six stars, my friend!!
I also appreciate all of the comments and suggestions. You are, and always will be, a wonderful writer!
Take care,
Kumusta to the Kwalas!
Cowgirl
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Always welcome, Padna.
How are you feeling? Riding cows yet?
Comment from Ann Philips
I am beginning the story in the middle, but you have provided a good outline of events so that the plot isn't a problem. The story concept of improving the human species by genetic modification with animals is interesting, unfortunately this chapter didn't provide any insight into the changes (other than hints at the appearance) that might result. I look forward to learning that.
Events certainly progressed and the dialogue between Sani and Archie was well written. I personally like a little more description and that isn't strong in this chapter. I also didn't experience Archie's tension about Sani leaving as strongly as expected... maybe I just don't have enough insight into the characters yet.
I noticed a couple typos: In the story, " and no nothing of its structure", the "no" where I expect "know" should be. And, In the explanation, "ruling Hawk clad", "clad" instead of "clan"
I look forward to reading more of the story.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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I am beginning the story in the middle, but you have provided a good outline of events so that the plot isn't a problem. The story concept of improving the human species by genetic modification with animals is interesting, unfortunately this chapter didn't provide any insight into the changes (other than hints at the appearance) that might result. I look forward to learning that.
Events certainly progressed and the dialogue between Sani and Archie was well written. I personally like a little more description and that isn't strong in this chapter. I also didn't experience Archie's tension about Sani leaving as strongly as expected... maybe I just don't have enough insight into the characters yet.
I noticed a couple typos: In the story, " and no nothing of its structure", the "no" where I expect "know" should be. And, In the explanation, "ruling Hawk clad", "clad" instead of "clan"
I look forward to reading more of the story.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Thank you, Ann.
If you go back and read from the beginning, or a few chapters back, there is a lot brought up on what might happen, and why this concerns the ladies they are travelling with. It's easy to pick up on "regular" plot, but the deeper nuances you might need the previous chapters.
I can't help the abundance of dialogue. I try, and when I do, people don't respond as well to it as I'm out of my comfort zone. I do keep trying, though. haha.
Thanks so much.
Sorry for the late reply, but I've spent the greater portion of the last 2.5 months in the hospital with multiple surgeries, and procedures. I'm currently home, but who knows? I live it one day at a time right now.
Take care,
Rhonda
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I'm sorry that your health is presenting so many challenges for you. We tend to take for granted many of the blessings of life. I hope your health returned and I believe in the "one day at a time". I often want to go back and read earlier chapters... but time is another luxury that is as rare as diamonds in my jewelry box. Prayers and best wishes to you... I hope to explore those earlier chapters... live is about hope. :)
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Excellently done as you set the stage for a different challenge with different forms of people needing freedom. Very well written and the way you build from one to the next is great
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Excellently done as you set the stage for a different challenge with different forms of people needing freedom. Very well written and the way you build from one to the next is great
Comment Written 26-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your review. It means a lot to me. Sorry for the late reply, but I've been in and out of the hospital for 2.5 months.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Good to have you back, my friend - I've missed you.
I hope you're on the way to recovery albeit probably slow.
Don't overdo it - take plenty of rest.
Archie is left to get everyone out of the mine - a difficult task
Excellent chapter, Rhonda.
At first(,) he felt an unusual vibration,
who live in the shadows.They call themselves - space after period
Margaret
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Good to have you back, my friend - I've missed you.
I hope you're on the way to recovery albeit probably slow.
Don't overdo it - take plenty of rest.
Archie is left to get everyone out of the mine - a difficult task
Excellent chapter, Rhonda.
At first(,) he felt an unusual vibration,
who live in the shadows.They call themselves - space after period
Margaret
Comment Written 26-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review, Margaret. I am home right now, and trying to rest a lot. Abdominal surgery takes it out of you, and I've had three since May 4th. The last one was very invasive and destructive (my opinion). I'm home right now, but just got out a few days ago. I'm trying hard to enjoy each and every day I'm out. For some reason, I can't read, review or anything like that when I'm in the hospital. Part of it is a creativity thing, and part is I'm just miserable when I'm in there.
Thanks again,
Rhonda