Comment from Thal1959

Excellent

The magical muse of the keyboard. Everything is well written, with a song-like quality... but, of course, on significant belch in the meter.

"I wanna leave this little legacy" The preceding and proceeding lines "audibly" come off as a di-meter. This line is like a brick wall to that meter. Even though the other lines normally render a trimeter - they come off as a di-meter when spoken. This line is a pentameter. Try shortening it with something like...

"I wanna leave this legacy"
---or even---
"I leave this legacy"

 Comment Written 31-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2017

Yep agreed I have fixed

thank you as always

I wrote this in about 3 mins and was still changing it right up until a minute ago lol

thanks for your comments and suggestion

reply by Thal1959 on 31-Aug-2017

A.O.K.D.

Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca

Excellent

A combination ABAB ABCB taking us from wondering if the Lord is a taker, then wondering who hurts most. Love the term life levy. Nicely done

 Comment Written 31-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2017

Thought I would mix the rhyme scheme with this on. I find ABAB and ABCB can easily interweave.

dip

reply by Barb Hensongispsaca on 31-Aug-2017

I did this on my last poem and it worked beautifully

Comment from Jannypan (Jan)

Excellent

Dr D,
I enjoyed reading your poem. It is sad with a bit of hope still. It gives readers a lot to think about. Why is this world in such a mess?

I believe one doesn't have to be 'religious' to have faith. This speaks well of how you love your ocean--a God-given gift, right?

Everyone has the right to believe as they will, but some things overlap all faiths. All want to leave a legacy for the next generation. You have done well with yours.

Thanks for sharing. Jan

 Comment Written 31-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2017

Jan I am so happy of your interpretation of my write Thanks for commenting

dip

Comment from Sis Cat

Excellent

Excellent poem, Dip, which could be song lyrics. I heard it sung in my inner eye as I read the vivid, hypnotic refrain "Tears on a keyboard." Poem conveys a questioning soul in turmoil as he pleads to God for answers and receives none:

Please tell me oh dear Lord,
Why you're a taker not a giver?

I feel the pain and mental agony of this person in distress:

No, I'm not religious
But I do have a faith
And I feel it's indigenous
And to this I bequeath
I wanna leave this little legacy
For all here to see

In the end, solace is found in an ocean of emotions that shows his devotion.

Thank you for sharing.

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 Comment Written 31-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2017

You know Andre I was still editing this piece when people started reviewing it so I have changed some lines for the better I feel I wrote this half an hour ago in about 3 mins I think I will change the category to song lyrics

thanks so much mate much appreciated

dip

Comment from emptypage

Excellent

Well, Dip, I hope you aren't really in this state. If you are, I'm so sorry. ME, TOO!! God, what a mess the world can be.

This poem feels like a song. Is it? In any case, I like the repeating lines.

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 Comment Written 31-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2017

You know empty, I wrote this just before in about 3 mins I was still editing it when you were commenting. I had initially posted it but kept on changing it and probably will still its just one of the poems that came to my head
Yeah I suppose it could be a song I might change the category thanks for commenting much appreciated.

dip