Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 89 "Chapter Siebenundzwanzig Part drei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
21 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
The two are becoming comfortable with each other. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2018
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The two are becoming comfortable with each other. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
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You're welcome
Comment from rama devi
i'm not sure which sentence you think needs help, as they all seem good to me. This is well paced and has good characterization and dialog banter. Fine descriptive action tags, etc. A few comma suggestions:
*
"Please promise you won't do anything to put yourself in danger,(no comma needed) again." S
* After he held her,(no comma) a few more moments,
*
"Maybe a little, but(,) honestly(,) it's only a string."
*
Moments later(,) he returned.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2018
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i'm not sure which sentence you think needs help, as they all seem good to me. This is well paced and has good characterization and dialog banter. Fine descriptive action tags, etc. A few comma suggestions:
*
"Please promise you won't do anything to put yourself in danger,(no comma needed) again." S
* After he held her,(no comma) a few more moments,
*
"Maybe a little, but(,) honestly(,) it's only a string."
*
Moments later(,) he returned.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 05-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2018
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Okay so this time I put in too many commas. I doubt I will ever get it correct. Thank you. I appreciate the help.
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Takes time to learn to tame those pesky commas!
Comment from Sankey
Good read again. Can see closeness developing nicely. Just one little option for a change. Either the knife (that)kept playing over and over again.
OR the knife [kept] playing over and over again.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2018
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Good read again. Can see closeness developing nicely. Just one little option for a change. Either the knife (that)kept playing over and over again.
OR the knife [kept] playing over and over again.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2018
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That's my sentence. A reviewer helped me and I still don't have it right. I am still working on it. Thank you.
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No worries. Still a good read always.
Comment from judiverse
Excellent work worth six stars. The pillow fight was a neat idea. It shows Shana can have a lighter side. I'm anticipating there will be some kind of problem while Anderson is in New York. Glad he's going to bring the dogs back. That will be added security, for sure. Great work with the characters. In the sentence beginning "In my mind" you might shorten it to something like. "I kept seeing images of you and that man fighting over the knife." judi
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
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Excellent work worth six stars. The pillow fight was a neat idea. It shows Shana can have a lighter side. I'm anticipating there will be some kind of problem while Anderson is in New York. Glad he's going to bring the dogs back. That will be added security, for sure. Great work with the characters. In the sentence beginning "In my mind" you might shorten it to something like. "I kept seeing images of you and that man fighting over the knife." judi
Comment Written 05-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
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THANK YOU!!!! That's the sentence that's driving me crazy. I couldn't get it right. FINALLY!! That will work. I'm off to change it.
Comment from robyn corum
Barbara,
I didn't see anything worth mentioning. I think you've solved whatever problem you thought you had. *smile* More of the story developing. Looks like something's on the horizon... Thanks!
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
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Barbara,
I didn't see anything worth mentioning. I think you've solved whatever problem you thought you had. *smile* More of the story developing. Looks like something's on the horizon... Thanks!
Comment Written 05-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from royowen
Well done Barbara, obviously Drew and Shana are getting to the first kiss stage, falling deeper and deeper in love, pillow fighting, and Co. Drew is flying off to New York to take care of some urgent business, and the building is coming along nicely. Is Shana still teaching Barbara? Well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
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Well done Barbara, obviously Drew and Shana are getting to the first kiss stage, falling deeper and deeper in love, pillow fighting, and Co. Drew is flying off to New York to take care of some urgent business, and the building is coming along nicely. Is Shana still teaching Barbara? Well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 05-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
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Shana still wants to teach but we're not sure she'll be able to. Thank you for the kind review.
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Good job Barbara, I can understand why.
Comment from Shanbreen
And so the plot thickens. =) However, I found some of the conversation a bit trite and forced.
For example,
"Because I'll do this." He laughed as he returned the pillow. "A little teasing is healthy."
Did he have to say, "A little teasing is healthy?'
Sometimes, less said may be better. For example, does he have to spell it out for her -- "I was ready to assure you..." in:
I figured you feared for your safety, not mine. I was ready to assure you I'd always protect you."
Just my opinion.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
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And so the plot thickens. =) However, I found some of the conversation a bit trite and forced.
For example,
"Because I'll do this." He laughed as he returned the pillow. "A little teasing is healthy."
Did he have to say, "A little teasing is healthy?'
Sometimes, less said may be better. For example, does he have to spell it out for her -- "I was ready to assure you..." in:
I figured you feared for your safety, not mine. I was ready to assure you I'd always protect you."
Just my opinion.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
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You're second suggestion I like. I will delete it. I'm not sure about the first. I will think about it. Thank you.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Barbara, a great new chapter and I really enjoyed their pillow fight. The emotions are evident in this chapter. I love it. A shame Drew has to go away yet again.
"You have nothing to be sorry."= "You have nothing to be sorry about."
Looking forward to what's next. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
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Hi Barbara, a great new chapter and I really enjoyed their pillow fight. The emotions are evident in this chapter. I love it. A shame Drew has to go away yet again.
"You have nothing to be sorry."= "You have nothing to be sorry about."
Looking forward to what's next. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 05-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
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Thank you. I changed that sentence. I bet I forgot to save. Thank you, again.
Comment from AnnieDawn
A well written chapter. The humor is easy to grasp in the body of the story theme. A nice touch having the list of characters at the end so one who has not read prior chapters can get a feeling for the base story. I enjoyed it. Good job and I look forward to reading more of your work.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
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A well written chapter. The humor is easy to grasp in the body of the story theme. A nice touch having the list of characters at the end so one who has not read prior chapters can get a feeling for the base story. I enjoyed it. Good job and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Happy Sunday, Barbara:
I fear I've gotten behind on my reviews once again due to having back
surgery on July 17th for spinal stenosis. For the most part, all has gone
well; so now I am able to sit a spell with my laptop and review for short
periods at a time.
Anderson is certainly a jack-of-all-trades, isn't he? Another good chapter.
jan
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
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Happy Sunday, Barbara:
I fear I've gotten behind on my reviews once again due to having back
surgery on July 17th for spinal stenosis. For the most part, all has gone
well; so now I am able to sit a spell with my laptop and review for short
periods at a time.
Anderson is certainly a jack-of-all-trades, isn't he? Another good chapter.
jan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
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Thank you for the kind review and I will pray for your recovery.