Jason Lamar Kane's Private Orbit
Never Underestimate a Daddy's Love40 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
What a script. I hope you won something with that one. I can't imagine a more complete revenge. If you aren't writing anythnig new, you'll have to pull out some more of these goodies. You did an amazing got of showing the Jason, fear and discomfort with using only dialogue and not descriptions.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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What a script. I hope you won something with that one. I can't imagine a more complete revenge. If you aren't writing anythnig new, you'll have to pull out some more of these goodies. You did an amazing got of showing the Jason, fear and discomfort with using only dialogue and not descriptions.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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No, Beth, it didn't even get honorable mention, as I recall. It was probably too long. Someone said there can only be two characters, but that doesn't sound right. I'll write more new stuff just as soon as I resolve my love-hate relationship with Amazon publishing.
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I think it took amazing talent to come up with that. I put a book on Amazon too. It only did good the first two weeks.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Interesting wordplay: His orbit?" Kind of a fun encounter. The reader waits for the response: "You don't recognize me, do you?" Tension is building: "But you do remember Catherine, don't you? Catherine? Your daughter? Catherine?" The reader leans forward: "Precious Jesus, yes, the pistol! Precious Jesus, the one that's aimed at your crotch, under the napkin in my lap. Now's not the time to lie to me, Jason." This is ironic: "Wait! Are you crying, Jason. I didn't intend to make you cry." Lawrence is so cutting: " What is that stench?" The reader wonders where this will end. This was well done. A great story.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Interesting wordplay: His orbit?" Kind of a fun encounter. The reader waits for the response: "You don't recognize me, do you?" Tension is building: "But you do remember Catherine, don't you? Catherine? Your daughter? Catherine?" The reader leans forward: "Precious Jesus, yes, the pistol! Precious Jesus, the one that's aimed at your crotch, under the napkin in my lap. Now's not the time to lie to me, Jason." This is ironic: "Wait! Are you crying, Jason. I didn't intend to make you cry." Lawrence is so cutting: " What is that stench?" The reader wonders where this will end. This was well done. A great story.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Thank you, Liz. So much is going on outside of FS that I had to resort to a re-post. I hope to offer something fresh and new in a couple of weeks. Again, thanks, Liz!
Jay
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I'm just finishing my 3rd & final book in my Be Wee with Bea series. Next up is my autobiography I began 20+ years ago
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Forgive me, Liz, but I got hopelessly behind on your Be Wee with Bea series ... but I will attack your biography with alacrity.
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Jay whatever you may check out on my portfolio requires no review. It's for enjoyment
Comment from w.j.debi
You certainly are a master of dialogue. Even though there are three people in the scene, it is easy to follow who is speaking.
You build the suspense well and have an unexpected twist at the end. I expected a murder. Humiliation was worse, especially for a public figure who is proud of his reputation.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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You certainly are a master of dialogue. Even though there are three people in the scene, it is easy to follow who is speaking.
You build the suspense well and have an unexpected twist at the end. I expected a murder. Humiliation was worse, especially for a public figure who is proud of his reputation.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Thank you, W.J, for the six stars, but more -- for your kind words and your insight that there is more than one way to "kill" a proud man!
Jay
Comment from GWHARGIS
I certainly did enjoy this. Such a casual beginning. I thought that Jason was going to be the bad guy. Possibly supernatural even. Then it's the mild mannered Professor. This was great. You know how I love dialogue. I could see what they were doing and subtle facial expressions. Now that's damn fine writing, if you ask me. You didn't, but I'm telling you anyway. Really good story. Unique. Gretchen
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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I certainly did enjoy this. Such a casual beginning. I thought that Jason was going to be the bad guy. Possibly supernatural even. Then it's the mild mannered Professor. This was great. You know how I love dialogue. I could see what they were doing and subtle facial expressions. Now that's damn fine writing, if you ask me. You didn't, but I'm telling you anyway. Really good story. Unique. Gretchen
Comment Written 17-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Thank you, so much, Gretchen. Your comments mean a lot to me.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Go ahead, dust 'em 'all' off if they're that good.
Couldn't you at least 'wing' him when he got into his car?
Good luck in the contest and best wishes.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Go ahead, dust 'em 'all' off if they're that good.
Couldn't you at least 'wing' him when he got into his car?
Good luck in the contest and best wishes.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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I remember when I was working the Allstate booth in the Sears store and a teen girl got caught shoplifting. When she found she couldn't escape, she crapped her pants. That was in the back of my mind when I wrote this piece. I'm glad you liked it, Wayne.
Comment from Jim Wile
Well, Jay, this was before my time, so I'm so glad you dusted it off for re-submission. What a great story! I had no trouble figuring out who said what; that part was very well done.
I loved the sarcasm and how Harris tried to cover it up with his being a professor. And I loved the friendly banter before Harris reveals that he has a gun pointed at Kane's crotch. I also love to see the taking down and humiliation of self-important snobs like Kane with his little regard for people and extreme egotism. There's no need to kill him--the damage to his reputation should be punishment enough for a heel like him.
This was well done and riveting, Jay. - Jim
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Well, Jay, this was before my time, so I'm so glad you dusted it off for re-submission. What a great story! I had no trouble figuring out who said what; that part was very well done.
I loved the sarcasm and how Harris tried to cover it up with his being a professor. And I loved the friendly banter before Harris reveals that he has a gun pointed at Kane's crotch. I also love to see the taking down and humiliation of self-important snobs like Kane with his little regard for people and extreme egotism. There's no need to kill him--the damage to his reputation should be punishment enough for a heel like him.
This was well done and riveting, Jay. - Jim
Comment Written 17-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Ohhhhhh, it means so much to me that you enjoyed this, Jim. Thank you so much!
Jay
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
Well, that's it. I believe you've nailed it for the contest! I only have two queries:
1) Shouldn't a dialogue have 2 voices only? I wonder whether introducing a third voice, even if only a tape, is acceptable.
2) It wasn't totally clear how Mr. Harris got into the orbit in the first place. How would retribution have played out if he hadn't? kay
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Well, that's it. I believe you've nailed it for the contest! I only have two queries:
1) Shouldn't a dialogue have 2 voices only? I wonder whether introducing a third voice, even if only a tape, is acceptable.
2) It wasn't totally clear how Mr. Harris got into the orbit in the first place. How would retribution have played out if he hadn't? kay
Comment Written 17-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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This isn't an entry in the contest. But your heads-up might well be the reason it didn't win when it was entered, years ago. Thanks, Kay, for the six lovely stars.
Comment from Terry Broxson
Jay, this is really good. How did it do in the contest? That was before my time on FanStory. I had no idea where you going with this at the start, and then you made a left turn when Lawrence join the table, and then I really had NO idea where you were going.
Exceptional. Terry.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Jay, this is really good. How did it do in the contest? That was before my time on FanStory. I had no idea where you going with this at the start, and then you made a left turn when Lawrence join the table, and then I really had NO idea where you were going.
Exceptional. Terry.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Ohhhhh, thank you, Terry. It didn't do well in the contest. I figured it was its length. Like Kay pointed out, it might have been because there were three characters ... but I'd never heard of that.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Wow, such a heartfelt story. It's very long for a dialogue only, and yet you totally pulled it off. I know you are an excellent playwright, and I see elements of that style in this piece. Still, you manage to give the setting, dialogue, directions, etc, all in dialogue. Very impressive.
A father's revenge, bit by bit, thought by thought, dialogue by dialogue. Well scripted,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Wow, such a heartfelt story. It's very long for a dialogue only, and yet you totally pulled it off. I know you are an excellent playwright, and I see elements of that style in this piece. Still, you manage to give the setting, dialogue, directions, etc, all in dialogue. Very impressive.
A father's revenge, bit by bit, thought by thought, dialogue by dialogue. Well scripted,
Rhonda
Comment Written 17-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Awww, thank you, Rhonda. I was thinking as I reread this today that I really should try putting it in a one-act play. You are so kind!
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Yeah, you should. It begs to be.
Comment from Sally Law
I spent my sixes like a sailor on leave, dear Jay. A high five with compliments! This is fabulous writing and chilling. This is a cut above the average dialing only entries I've read. I wrote one about two flies on a trash can. It didn't win but it sure was fun. I think the judges are stuck in the mud when it comes to creativity. Just saying. Superb, my friend.
Sending you my best today as always,
Sal XOs
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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I spent my sixes like a sailor on leave, dear Jay. A high five with compliments! This is fabulous writing and chilling. This is a cut above the average dialing only entries I've read. I wrote one about two flies on a trash can. It didn't win but it sure was fun. I think the judges are stuck in the mud when it comes to creativity. Just saying. Superb, my friend.
Sending you my best today as always,
Sal XOs
Comment Written 17-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Don't give it a second thought, Sally. I'm out of sixes as well! Besides, your five was worth a seven with your commentary.
Jay