Love and Loss
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Night Terror"NaPoWriMo April Poetry Contest
28 total reviews
Comment from Yardier
WOW!
And so you know the horror show. You have penned the haunting, taunting illusion perfectly. I fear to read it again for I would be forced to try and stay awake to avoid the unanswered question; is the dream scape real?
Outstanding work!
Yard
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2023
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WOW!
And so you know the horror show. You have penned the haunting, taunting illusion perfectly. I fear to read it again for I would be forced to try and stay awake to avoid the unanswered question; is the dream scape real?
Outstanding work!
Yard
Comment Written 06-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2023
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I am so humbled by your review, thank you so much for your comments and six stars! In all honesty, I tend to gravitate toward a darker side creatively, and due to its "unexpected" nature, I've suppressed it a bit lately! So you made my night for appreciating my little bit of horror here! Haha thank you again!
<3
Jessica
Comment from kiwisteveh
Hi, Jessica. Welcome to FanStory - I hope you are enjoying what the site provides. You have been busy, I see, racing to post #50!
This is a strong entry for the rhyming poem contest due to the use of double rhyme within each line. Coupled with the short lines, that produces great energy and draws the readers attention.
The down side is that the style loses it's power after a while and risks becoming boring and possibly even turning readers off. I would suggest that your poem would possibly have been better if it was limited to just three or four stanzas.
Also it is hard to maintain this punchy style without sacrificing meaning at some point. For example I had trouble deciphering what you meant here:
'Minions to whom assigns your room'
and again here:
'To violate, relive the date'
In any case the atmospherics are good and certaing to receive favour with some voters. Good luck.
Steve
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2023
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Hi, Jessica. Welcome to FanStory - I hope you are enjoying what the site provides. You have been busy, I see, racing to post #50!
This is a strong entry for the rhyming poem contest due to the use of double rhyme within each line. Coupled with the short lines, that produces great energy and draws the readers attention.
The down side is that the style loses it's power after a while and risks becoming boring and possibly even turning readers off. I would suggest that your poem would possibly have been better if it was limited to just three or four stanzas.
Also it is hard to maintain this punchy style without sacrificing meaning at some point. For example I had trouble deciphering what you meant here:
'Minions to whom assigns your room'
and again here:
'To violate, relive the date'
In any case the atmospherics are good and certaing to receive favour with some voters. Good luck.
Steve
Comment Written 06-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2023
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Steve,
First, I want to express my sincere gratitude for your thoughtful review and valuable feedback. I also appreciate your welcome to the site- I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here so far. It's been a trip! It's amazing how much I have learned so far and taken from experienced members.
With your feedback in mind, I revisited and I'm so glad I did. (I recognize my tendency to be long-winded haha as I'm demonstrating in this reply perhaps- work in progress ;) I hope)
I plan to merge and eliminate some of the redundant stanzas, for sure. Truthfully, in addition to your feedback there are quite a few things I seem to have overlooked about this piece before posting! So again, I truly appreciate your inspired revisit, and the time you took to read and review my writing!!
<3
Jessica
Comment from Chrissy710
Hi Jessica, Wow no sixes left but this is a sixer anyway. Your description of night terrors is just that very descriptive and although I have nightmares
at times my son has 'night terrors' and they are very scary to him. He still has them at 35yrs. I remember when he was a teenager he was out of bed holding up the wall as he thought the roof was going to collapse on him and many more episodes. His wife still reports his night events, but i think they are not as bad, but he often talks in his sleep.
Wow tis is a long poem but worth the read
Good internal rhyming and excellent meter
Cheers Chris
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2023
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Hi Jessica, Wow no sixes left but this is a sixer anyway. Your description of night terrors is just that very descriptive and although I have nightmares
at times my son has 'night terrors' and they are very scary to him. He still has them at 35yrs. I remember when he was a teenager he was out of bed holding up the wall as he thought the roof was going to collapse on him and many more episodes. His wife still reports his night events, but i think they are not as bad, but he often talks in his sleep.
Wow tis is a long poem but worth the read
Good internal rhyming and excellent meter
Cheers Chris
Comment Written 06-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2023
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Chris, thank you so much for your review and kind words! I'm happy to know his night terrors have subsided- That must have been awful for you to witness! I only started having them after a traumatic experience I can't imagine having to go through them as a child or worse watching one of my daughters! I agree about the length, I have a tendency to get wordy lol may have to revise. Thank you again!!:)
<3
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No don?t revise leave it as is
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Thank you <3
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
Very well written poem. You used specifically descriptive words that flowed well. You also captured the feeling of one captured inside such a bad feeling. I've had them, myself, in my lifetime and, you truly expressed the feelings one has, before during and after such terrors. Good work!
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2023
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Very well written poem. You used specifically descriptive words that flowed well. You also captured the feeling of one captured inside such a bad feeling. I've had them, myself, in my lifetime and, you truly expressed the feelings one has, before during and after such terrors. Good work!
Comment Written 06-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2023
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Thank you so much, Alexandra!! I really appreciate that.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is s terrifying ride in the dark to an early death and your words are filled with fear and horror here Jessica, congrats on your 50th post, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2023
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This is s terrifying ride in the dark to an early death and your words are filled with fear and horror here Jessica, congrats on your 50th post, love Dolly x
Comment Written 06-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2023
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Thank you, Dolly!
<3
Comment from Frank Malley
Jessica Wheeler has written a thirteen stanza poem in which each line has a rhyme within itself. I don't think the poem's intention is to cause fear as much as it is do describe fear giving examples of when and how it occurs. The form the poet has chosen is skillfully used although occasionally the rhyme or the scansion could be perhaps better. Finding another word for 'scare' that rhymes with it seemed difficult when I tried it; I found nothing that really worked although 'a ghoulish affair' occurred to me. For the Halloween contest on FS, I wrote a poem that tried to be scary and won me few or no votes - I can't remember. This is an excellent piece in a lively tetrameter.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2023
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Jessica Wheeler has written a thirteen stanza poem in which each line has a rhyme within itself. I don't think the poem's intention is to cause fear as much as it is do describe fear giving examples of when and how it occurs. The form the poet has chosen is skillfully used although occasionally the rhyme or the scansion could be perhaps better. Finding another word for 'scare' that rhymes with it seemed difficult when I tried it; I found nothing that really worked although 'a ghoulish affair' occurred to me. For the Halloween contest on FS, I wrote a poem that tried to be scary and won me few or no votes - I can't remember. This is an excellent piece in a lively tetrameter.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2023
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Thank you so much!!
Comment from Douglas Goff
Well, this was certainly a creepy and haunting read.
I enjoyed it's enchanting flow and the way it elicits images in one's mind. Now I shall sleep with the light on. Ha!
Good work.
D
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reply by the author on 06-Apr-2023
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Well, this was certainly a creepy and haunting read.
I enjoyed it's enchanting flow and the way it elicits images in one's mind. Now I shall sleep with the light on. Ha!
Good work.
D
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2023
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Thank you so much! I appreciate your feedback!
Comment from K.I. Betancur
Excellent work!
One thing to point out: I don't know if you meant "your trauma's real," or if there's multiple "traumas" you face.
But that doesn't take away from your work in the slightest, very well done!
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reply by the author on 06-Apr-2023
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Excellent work!
One thing to point out: I don't know if you meant "your trauma's real," or if there's multiple "traumas" you face.
But that doesn't take away from your work in the slightest, very well done!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2023
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Thank you so much! I truly appreciate your review and feedback, that was an error on my part, so I'm grateful for your catch! I will make that edit. Thank you so much!
<3
Jessica