My Magical Goth Fairy
A magical encounter with my future Queen35 total reviews
Comment from Sue_Angel
Great artwork. I liked your story, although I think it could use more emotion.
I only found one nit -- the word "its" in this sentence shouldn't have an apostrophe: "looting it of all it's golden treasures."
Good job!
Susan
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Great artwork. I liked your story, although I think it could use more emotion.
I only found one nit -- the word "its" in this sentence shouldn't have an apostrophe: "looting it of all it's golden treasures."
Good job!
Susan
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Hi Sue, you're right I could have given it more passion. Well, now I have to write another to expand on a lot of the story. Thanks for your comments and finding the nit. I'll edit it. - Thesis
Comment from Jonesy
The things I had issues with are a little too subjective, so decided not to factor into the rating. The things I liked are the original feel to the story, the solid rhythm of the writing, and especially the first two thirds that compelled me to read on.
The last third and the end is where I felt work is needed. It moves much too quickly and leaves the impression the author was in a rush to finish. Basically, the writing seems incomplete and doesn't have enough detail once it moves out of the Abbey.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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The things I had issues with are a little too subjective, so decided not to factor into the rating. The things I liked are the original feel to the story, the solid rhythm of the writing, and especially the first two thirds that compelled me to read on.
The last third and the end is where I felt work is needed. It moves much too quickly and leaves the impression the author was in a rush to finish. Basically, the writing seems incomplete and doesn't have enough detail once it moves out of the Abbey.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Thanks Jonsey. After re-reading, I agree with your assessment. I wasn't in a rush to finish, but felt to do it justice, it would have been double in size, so I shortened the ending. I should re-write it to see what I can change after the Abbey. - Good comments. - Thesis
Comment from Colette
Hi Thesis,
You didn't offend Lol, I was looking forward to "being offended", only joking.
This was a an endearing story and I get the sense you were holding back on
continuing to its conclusion, you could have because with your style of writing
I know we would have enjoyed it. You have my vote Colette
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Hi Thesis,
You didn't offend Lol, I was looking forward to "being offended", only joking.
This was a an endearing story and I get the sense you were holding back on
continuing to its conclusion, you could have because with your style of writing
I know we would have enjoyed it. You have my vote Colette
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Thank for your kind remarks Colette. I have another story in mind that is hot, but tasteful. Stay tuned. - Thesis
Comment from Freeflyer
A great story that I liked immensely. It certainly was different from any of the other stories I have read from this era. Great stuff. Good luck in the competition.
Freeflyer
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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A great story that I liked immensely. It certainly was different from any of the other stories I have read from this era. Great stuff. Good luck in the competition.
Freeflyer
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Thanks Free. I'm glad it was different and that you enjoyed it. - Thesis
Comment from NightWriter
"My Magical Goth Fairy" is very good! It's captivating from the start, and very enjoyable throughout. I wanted more. Bravo!! Well done. Good luck!
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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"My Magical Goth Fairy" is very good! It's captivating from the start, and very enjoyable throughout. I wanted more. Bravo!! Well done. Good luck!
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Thanks Night. I'm happy that you enjoyed the story. I wanted to do something a little different. Glad it worked. - Thesis
Comment from Suzie B
Well done, The Knights Templar, have always fascinated me, so this was an enjoyable read indeed.
Being as the Templar were such devout Christians you have written very well, allowing the sensuality to come through without the need to take it beyond that step. I laughed at your rating after reading this story, I've been chastized myself for offensive descriptions ?? Go figure.So the rating was a very clever move.
Only one tiny question , did you mean... Together, we created a new order of righteous warriors, who till ?today, or was it meant to be who Still today.
probably just me , think still sounds better.
I loved this piece , it should do well in the contest.
well done and good luck
Suzie
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Well done, The Knights Templar, have always fascinated me, so this was an enjoyable read indeed.
Being as the Templar were such devout Christians you have written very well, allowing the sensuality to come through without the need to take it beyond that step. I laughed at your rating after reading this story, I've been chastized myself for offensive descriptions ?? Go figure.So the rating was a very clever move.
Only one tiny question , did you mean... Together, we created a new order of righteous warriors, who till ?today, or was it meant to be who Still today.
probably just me , think still sounds better.
I loved this piece , it should do well in the contest.
well done and good luck
Suzie
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Thanks Suzie. It probably should have been "still", but I was caught up in the era. Better to be safe than sorry with the rating, I guess. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. - Thesis
Comment from Suzie B
Well done, The Knights Templar, have always fascinated me, so this was an enjoyable read indeed.
Being as the Templar were such devout Christians you have written very well, allowing the sensuality to come through without the need to take it beyond that step. I laughed at your rating after reading this story, I've been chastized myself for offensive descriptions ?? Go figure.So the rating was a very clever move.
Only one tiny question , did you mean... Together, we created a new order of righteous warriors, who till ?today, or was it meant to be who Still today.
probably just me , think still sounds better.
I loved this piece , it should do well in the contest.
well done and good luck
Suzie
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Well done, The Knights Templar, have always fascinated me, so this was an enjoyable read indeed.
Being as the Templar were such devout Christians you have written very well, allowing the sensuality to come through without the need to take it beyond that step. I laughed at your rating after reading this story, I've been chastized myself for offensive descriptions ?? Go figure.So the rating was a very clever move.
Only one tiny question , did you mean... Together, we created a new order of righteous warriors, who till ?today, or was it meant to be who Still today.
probably just me , think still sounds better.
I loved this piece , it should do well in the contest.
well done and good luck
Suzie
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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I agree, still should have been used. It's not too late to edit. Thanks for reading and your excellent review. - Thesis
Comment from KennyRogers
Hi there, Thesis
I enjoyed this piece very much and you captured the fantastic magic of the knight's rescue and the sensual magic of the night's encounter very well.
All in all, this is an excellent story. Best wishes, Kenny
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Hi there, Thesis
I enjoyed this piece very much and you captured the fantastic magic of the knight's rescue and the sensual magic of the night's encounter very well.
All in all, this is an excellent story. Best wishes, Kenny
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Thank you Kenny. I really appreciate your review and comments. - Thesis
Comment from chaswriter
Thesis - Interesting story and was not offended. The sex was rather tame, imho. Good characterization through the descriptive narrative could have been a little more detailed. I enjoyed it nonetheless.
Here are some suggestions:
( ) = indicates suggested changes
I was badly wounded, fighting the French who(, like cowards) attacked us as we aided the nuns from the inner sanctuary of the Charlemegne Abbey.
How else would I see this perfect vision who materialized before me. - If you meant this to be a rhetorical question then it is fine. Otherwise a question mark is needed. Just an FYI you probably already knew.
I started to respond( )when I saw a French knight approach her from behind. - comma not needed here
I was transported to a castle in a (faraway) land.
There was no war, bloody killing or grief(--)only beauty and healing. - I prefer the em-dash to offset for emphasis.
I awoke in Kira's bed( )naked, as was she, nursing from her ample bosom.
Together, we created a new order of righteous warriors, who till today, protect the weak and downtrodden. - So what happens after today?
Hope that helps. Charlie
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2009
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Thesis - Interesting story and was not offended. The sex was rather tame, imho. Good characterization through the descriptive narrative could have been a little more detailed. I enjoyed it nonetheless.
Here are some suggestions:
( ) = indicates suggested changes
I was badly wounded, fighting the French who(, like cowards) attacked us as we aided the nuns from the inner sanctuary of the Charlemegne Abbey.
How else would I see this perfect vision who materialized before me. - If you meant this to be a rhetorical question then it is fine. Otherwise a question mark is needed. Just an FYI you probably already knew.
I started to respond( )when I saw a French knight approach her from behind. - comma not needed here
I was transported to a castle in a (faraway) land.
There was no war, bloody killing or grief(--)only beauty and healing. - I prefer the em-dash to offset for emphasis.
I awoke in Kira's bed( )naked, as was she, nursing from her ample bosom.
Together, we created a new order of righteous warriors, who till today, protect the weak and downtrodden. - So what happens after today?
Hope that helps. Charlie
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2009
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Hi Charlie. Thanks for the comments. I appreciate your thorough read and suggestions. - Thesis
Comment from Readywriter52
This story sounds like every mans dream. He was rescued by this beautiful fairy, nursed back to health, and satisfied sexually.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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This story sounds like every mans dream. He was rescued by this beautiful fairy, nursed back to health, and satisfied sexually.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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I was trying to relay a great experience. Yes, it is a wonderful dream for men. - LOL, Thesis