Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Part One of Chapter 1"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
117 total reviews
Comment from taravan
I think this is a very good start. Writing from the view point of the abused woman is a hard thing to do. I think that you captured her essence well. I would work a little more on the Bobby character. As an abuser some of his statements seem out of character. For instance would the same man who comes home drunk and utters..."Bitch, where's my dinner!" also say... "Dinner better be done, before I return."? I would revise the word "return" Return makes him sound a bit too sophisticated for the abusive mechanic he appears to be. Otherwise it is really good and I want to see where this story goes.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2011
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I think this is a very good start. Writing from the view point of the abused woman is a hard thing to do. I think that you captured her essence well. I would work a little more on the Bobby character. As an abuser some of his statements seem out of character. For instance would the same man who comes home drunk and utters..."Bitch, where's my dinner!" also say... "Dinner better be done, before I return."? I would revise the word "return" Return makes him sound a bit too sophisticated for the abusive mechanic he appears to be. Otherwise it is really good and I want to see where this story goes.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2011
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I will change the word return to come back. Thank you for your review.
Comment from SWANNY
Good start to your story. You've got some good tension building. I have a couple of suggestions/observations.
Probably; he's a male (This sounds a bit stiff to me. Maybe use the word guy instead of male, or change it to say something like 'typical guy')
six-month old son (six-month-old son)
I work hard. I work fixing cars. (I'd combine this into one sentence: I work hard fixing cars. Or something like this: I work hard. Do you think it's easy busting my back fixing cars all day long? or something along that line.)
"Damn kid. He always interrupts things." (I think the second sentence is implied and not necessary. I might be more effective to just leave it at "Damn kid!")
Overall well done.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Good start to your story. You've got some good tension building. I have a couple of suggestions/observations.
Probably; he's a male (This sounds a bit stiff to me. Maybe use the word guy instead of male, or change it to say something like 'typical guy')
six-month old son (six-month-old son)
I work hard. I work fixing cars. (I'd combine this into one sentence: I work hard fixing cars. Or something like this: I work hard. Do you think it's easy busting my back fixing cars all day long? or something along that line.)
"Damn kid. He always interrupts things." (I think the second sentence is implied and not necessary. I might be more effective to just leave it at "Damn kid!")
Overall well done.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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I've had a lot of problems with the fixing cars one. I have changed it numerous times. I about ready to have him do anything BUT fix cars.
Comment from mumsyone
It looks as though this is going to be an interesting book. The characters and dialogue are good. I'll try to stay with it.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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It looks as though this is going to be an interesting book. The characters and dialogue are good. I'll try to stay with it.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2011
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I am sorry you read this without bonus points. Thank you for your kind review.
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It's okay. I needed to read it, just to see what the book was about.
Comment from Gungalo
Boy, you sure can write girl. This is so typical of this type of man. Gets drunk and thinks he's a sexual powerhouse, forgetting he reeks of booze and is disgusting in general. LOL. Listen to me. Well it's true. Your story is off and running and real.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2011
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Boy, you sure can write girl. This is so typical of this type of man. Gets drunk and thinks he's a sexual powerhouse, forgetting he reeks of booze and is disgusting in general. LOL. Listen to me. Well it's true. Your story is off and running and real.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and encouraging words.
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My pleasure. Good to be reading you again!!!
Comment from Revamay
I can see why this subject of an abused wife is difficult to write, but you did a good job with the first chapter. The dialogue delineates the personality of the characters. I would change (just a suggestion) "I work fixing cars," to "Do you think it's easy to fix cars?"
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2011
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I can see why this subject of an abused wife is difficult to write, but you did a good job with the first chapter. The dialogue delineates the personality of the characters. I would change (just a suggestion) "I work fixing cars," to "Do you think it's easy to fix cars?"
Comment Written 11-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2011
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I will check that area. Thank you for your kind review.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Metal Head
Hi ya Barbara. It's been a while since I've dropped in on one of your stories, and seeing as this is the start of a new story, I thought it a good time to put that right.
As usual, anything that follows is only the opinion of one who has not studied writing, so you're free to use, adapt or ignore any suggestions as you see fit.
Troy fights own demons. his own demons?
I think the second paragraph, where Anna falls into Troy's lap, would be better told from her POV. This helps by not having the reader jumping from head to head while you're setting the scene for us. This is a suggestion to illustrate...
She checked the aisle again to fix the position of the chair in her mind, and began to walk towards it as she continued reading. She hadn't noticed the other chair, and as she walked towards it, still absorbed in the book, she tripped over its occupants feet and landed in his lap.
I know you're an extremely popular writer, Barbara, and you garner a lot of reviews, so if no one else has pointed this out, it might only be me. I'm picturing the sort of chair I'd normally see in a pub over here, and if so I find it hard to imagine Anna's legs as so short she couldn't reach the ground. Again, this is only a suggestion, but if it were a large, typical sit-back-and-sink-in family type chair I can see her struggling to reach the floor. Add to that the embarrassment they'd both feel as she squirmed in his lap trying to reach the floor :-) Of course others might well be picturing such a chair. For all I know they could be quite common in American bookstores.
Probably; he's a male. I like this little thought of hers. A small yet telling pointer to her mindset regarding males, and the way they must have treated her for her to think it.
I work fixing cars. No need for this line as he's telling her he fixes cars, something she must know as she's his wife. If it's important for the reader to know his occupation, maybe something like "Those damm cars won't fix themselves." after his goofing off comment might do the trick.
One final thought. You mention the characters by name quite a lot instead of he or she. Someone once told me he, she, said and asked were almost invisible to a reader, and that I should consider deleting names from my writing and replace them with he, she, etc. I answered back I didn't want too many he's and she's together so that's why I used their names. They replied fair enough, but to adjust the ratio. I pass on the same advice to you. I don't think it can easily be done here, because in order for things to then make sense, you'd have to change some of the paragraphs around a bit, and in doing so they might change from your writing style. Maybe it's something to consider in the future.
As an opening chapter it does exactly what it's supposed to. It introduces the characters, settings, conflicts etc, and leaves us wanting to know what happens next.
Everything above is only personal opinion, and I found no errors with this chapter. I thought the dialogue believable and smooth flowing, and the descriptions enough to paint a picture in my mind.
Best regards
Michael D
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2011
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Hi ya Barbara. It's been a while since I've dropped in on one of your stories, and seeing as this is the start of a new story, I thought it a good time to put that right.
As usual, anything that follows is only the opinion of one who has not studied writing, so you're free to use, adapt or ignore any suggestions as you see fit.
Troy fights own demons. his own demons?
I think the second paragraph, where Anna falls into Troy's lap, would be better told from her POV. This helps by not having the reader jumping from head to head while you're setting the scene for us. This is a suggestion to illustrate...
She checked the aisle again to fix the position of the chair in her mind, and began to walk towards it as she continued reading. She hadn't noticed the other chair, and as she walked towards it, still absorbed in the book, she tripped over its occupants feet and landed in his lap.
I know you're an extremely popular writer, Barbara, and you garner a lot of reviews, so if no one else has pointed this out, it might only be me. I'm picturing the sort of chair I'd normally see in a pub over here, and if so I find it hard to imagine Anna's legs as so short she couldn't reach the ground. Again, this is only a suggestion, but if it were a large, typical sit-back-and-sink-in family type chair I can see her struggling to reach the floor. Add to that the embarrassment they'd both feel as she squirmed in his lap trying to reach the floor :-) Of course others might well be picturing such a chair. For all I know they could be quite common in American bookstores.
Probably; he's a male. I like this little thought of hers. A small yet telling pointer to her mindset regarding males, and the way they must have treated her for her to think it.
I work fixing cars. No need for this line as he's telling her he fixes cars, something she must know as she's his wife. If it's important for the reader to know his occupation, maybe something like "Those damm cars won't fix themselves." after his goofing off comment might do the trick.
One final thought. You mention the characters by name quite a lot instead of he or she. Someone once told me he, she, said and asked were almost invisible to a reader, and that I should consider deleting names from my writing and replace them with he, she, etc. I answered back I didn't want too many he's and she's together so that's why I used their names. They replied fair enough, but to adjust the ratio. I pass on the same advice to you. I don't think it can easily be done here, because in order for things to then make sense, you'd have to change some of the paragraphs around a bit, and in doing so they might change from your writing style. Maybe it's something to consider in the future.
As an opening chapter it does exactly what it's supposed to. It introduces the characters, settings, conflicts etc, and leaves us wanting to know what happens next.
Everything above is only personal opinion, and I found no errors with this chapter. I thought the dialogue believable and smooth flowing, and the descriptions enough to paint a picture in my mind.
Best regards
Michael D
Comment Written 10-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2011
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I enjoyed reading your suggestions. I took a 4 from another reviewer for using too many he/she's. I happen to agree with you on the subject. As for the chair, it's a large cushion chair. Most of our large bookstore changes use them for reading chairs. I have written the part about his fixing cars until most of the reviews have acepted it. I will take another look. Thank you for dropping by.
Comment from bhogg
Hi Barbara - what a great introduction to what I'm sure will be a fabulous novel. It has got to be hard to feel so totally trapped in a relationship as someone like Anna. It was interesting to hear that you don't start posting a novel until its done. I got burned out on the one I was writing because all I did was outline and develop characters. Some day, I'll return to it. Always warm regards, Bill
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2011
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Hi Barbara - what a great introduction to what I'm sure will be a fabulous novel. It has got to be hard to feel so totally trapped in a relationship as someone like Anna. It was interesting to hear that you don't start posting a novel until its done. I got burned out on the one I was writing because all I did was outline and develop characters. Some day, I'll return to it. Always warm regards, Bill
Comment Written 10-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2011
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I got hung up on this story this summer with all the doctor's appointments. I like to know exactly where I'm with a story. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from markk
Well written and a horribly sad situation for anyone to be in. You've laid it out very well and its a moving piece. well done.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2011
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Well written and a horribly sad situation for anyone to be in. You've laid it out very well and its a moving piece. well done.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2011
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Thank you for or kind review
Comment from stanishmichelle
The story is terrific. Anna's marriage is a bad one that she really needs to out of. Bobby is an abusive drunk who doesn't love or deserve his wife and son. I see she's making the effort to get out of the marriage. The plot is strong and the characters are believable. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2011
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The story is terrific. Anna's marriage is a bad one that she really needs to out of. Bobby is an abusive drunk who doesn't love or deserve his wife and son. I see she's making the effort to get out of the marriage. The plot is strong and the characters are believable. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Carolyn Hilliard
Hi Barb. It's Fiesty. You've already got my interest peeked. As a matter of fact I'm adding you to the fan list so I don't miss out. Below you will find a couple of OOPS.
Below is in BACKGROUND
Troy fights own demons. [s.b. Troy fights (his)own demons.
she [s.b. She]returned it, then rushed from the building.
Writing this will keep your mind busy. Writing mine is keeping my mind busy while I wait for the next PET.
Happy Writing - Fiesty
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2011
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Hi Barb. It's Fiesty. You've already got my interest peeked. As a matter of fact I'm adding you to the fan list so I don't miss out. Below you will find a couple of OOPS.
Below is in BACKGROUND
Troy fights own demons. [s.b. Troy fights (his)own demons.
she [s.b. She]returned it, then rushed from the building.
Writing this will keep your mind busy. Writing mine is keeping my mind busy while I wait for the next PET.
Happy Writing - Fiesty
Comment Written 10-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review, I will get on those errors.