Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 54 "part 1 Chapter 17"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
83 total reviews
Comment from Enrique28
A very well written chapter that's left me wondering about the whole story, especially after the dramatic revelation at the end. Fine narrative and dialogue. Good show!
Enrique
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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A very well written chapter that's left me wondering about the whole story, especially after the dramatic revelation at the end. Fine narrative and dialogue. Good show!
Enrique
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from G.B. Smith
Hello Barbara
This is such a well written chapter, and touches base on the dangers of domestic violence. I'm pleased to see that you included the Safe link and National Domestic Violence Hotline number in your notes. WTG
Bear
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Hello Barbara
This is such a well written chapter, and touches base on the dangers of domestic violence. I'm pleased to see that you included the Safe link and National Domestic Violence Hotline number in your notes. WTG
Bear
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from tm3912
The dialog is kind of bland and stilted below is an example of what I mean.
"Anna noticed Troy walk toward him and hand him something. She tried to see what Troy gave him, but couldn't" In this sentence you've already stated that troy has handed the vet something. When she tries to see what it is you don't need to state that what she is trying to see is what he handed him. I just use this as an example of the mechanical nature of the writing. It read more like a report.
I'm not commenting on the story because I am starting with chapter 17 so it's not fair to you when I have read the earlier chapters.
Good luck with the writing.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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The dialog is kind of bland and stilted below is an example of what I mean.
"Anna noticed Troy walk toward him and hand him something. She tried to see what Troy gave him, but couldn't" In this sentence you've already stated that troy has handed the vet something. When she tries to see what it is you don't need to state that what she is trying to see is what he handed him. I just use this as an example of the mechanical nature of the writing. It read more like a report.
I'm not commenting on the story because I am starting with chapter 17 so it's not fair to you when I have read the earlier chapters.
Good luck with the writing.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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thanks
Comment from Rama Rao
The case is getting curiouser and curiouser. Now you introduced a new character and ended the chapter with suspense. We have to wait until Monday to find out what Slim will bring with him.
A suggestion-She noticed a beggar wearing a tattered military jacket and ragged pants and carrying a sign "homeless crippled vet."
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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The case is getting curiouser and curiouser. Now you introduced a new character and ended the chapter with suspense. We have to wait until Monday to find out what Slim will bring with him.
A suggestion-She noticed a beggar wearing a tattered military jacket and ragged pants and carrying a sign "homeless crippled vet."
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Candis
I haven't read the whole story. I usually do not read the chapter stories that are posted here but I thought I would give it a try. Mainly I looked at structure and flow. Your wording is very cut and dried and does not flow from one sentence to another Example: sat at her desk, tapping her pen instead of 'and tapped' Not every sentence is like this but if you study the structure you may understand what I mean. Another ideas: she pushed a few files aside, making room for the files. You cut to the chase instead of visualizing the action then writing about the action as you would see it actually happening. Another idea would be, "Let me check with Mr. Keller." Anna turned towards the door, "I'll be just a second." You don't need Anna walked to her boss's office. You already stated she was checking with him. Anyway, its just my opinion. I hopes it helps.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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I haven't read the whole story. I usually do not read the chapter stories that are posted here but I thought I would give it a try. Mainly I looked at structure and flow. Your wording is very cut and dried and does not flow from one sentence to another Example: sat at her desk, tapping her pen instead of 'and tapped' Not every sentence is like this but if you study the structure you may understand what I mean. Another ideas: she pushed a few files aside, making room for the files. You cut to the chase instead of visualizing the action then writing about the action as you would see it actually happening. Another idea would be, "Let me check with Mr. Keller." Anna turned towards the door, "I'll be just a second." You don't need Anna walked to her boss's office. You already stated she was checking with him. Anyway, its just my opinion. I hopes it helps.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you, I will check that out.
Comment from cindylucy5A
I can see why your selection is recognized. This chapter provided enough background and suspense to make me want to read the next. I like the dangler at the end and you seem to be good at mystery. Also, I found myself putting faces on the characters which means I am intrigued by the story line.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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I can see why your selection is recognized. This chapter provided enough background and suspense to make me want to read the next. I like the dangler at the end and you seem to be good at mystery. Also, I found myself putting faces on the characters which means I am intrigued by the story line.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you for the kind review and support.
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you are welcome
Comment from jclark
Another exciting and intense chapter. I hope Sam has not personally met "Slim" and his own demise. Anxiously awaiting your next chapter.
Judy
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Another exciting and intense chapter. I hope Sam has not personally met "Slim" and his own demise. Anxiously awaiting your next chapter.
Judy
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from rightforyou
Hi Barbara
I have not been able to review that much lately, so I have missed a few of your chapters.
I find it easy to pick at any place in your work and be caught back up.Loved the little interaction there with her boss. I suspect the Sam is the homeless vet. This robber character sounds like big trouble, along with this guy named Slim..
Looking forward to the next read
I enjoyed your dialogues and your narrative writing
Thanks for this enjoyable chapter....Ron
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Hi Barbara
I have not been able to review that much lately, so I have missed a few of your chapters.
I find it easy to pick at any place in your work and be caught back up.Loved the little interaction there with her boss. I suspect the Sam is the homeless vet. This robber character sounds like big trouble, along with this guy named Slim..
Looking forward to the next read
I enjoyed your dialogues and your narrative writing
Thanks for this enjoyable chapter....Ron
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from LilHippie
Wow! Now I have another story to go back and read. I'm hooked already. Very well written. Have to know more. This is a topic I care about also. Will get my little innocent satisfaction through fiction if the abuser get it in your story. Thank you for this. You are a very good writer. This is a relatively short chapter and I am engrossed already. Thank you.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Wow! Now I have another story to go back and read. I'm hooked already. Very well written. Have to know more. This is a topic I care about also. Will get my little innocent satisfaction through fiction if the abuser get it in your story. Thank you for this. You are a very good writer. This is a relatively short chapter and I am engrossed already. Thank you.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from gramalot8
Barbara, yes, nice that she made sure that the homeless man had a hamburger for sure... lol... good cover. And, now at least they have someone to watch with the discovery of Slim. Looking for the next chapter for sure.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Barbara, yes, nice that she made sure that the homeless man had a hamburger for sure... lol... good cover. And, now at least they have someone to watch with the discovery of Slim. Looking for the next chapter for sure.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you for the kind review,