Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Inaji Moon, Part Two"Murder Mystery
42 total reviews
Comment from donkeyoatey
You build an interesting character, that the reader wants to know better. I think involvement with the characters in a story, and caring about them, and interest in their way of life, is what makes me a voracious reader. I look forwward to reading the rest! thanks for choosing my artwork! Donkeyoatey
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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You build an interesting character, that the reader wants to know better. I think involvement with the characters in a story, and caring about them, and interest in their way of life, is what makes me a voracious reader. I look forwward to reading the rest! thanks for choosing my artwork! Donkeyoatey
Comment Written 21-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Thank you so much for this wonderful review, DK. I love your artwork and how perfectly it fits with my chapter. So thank you for your considerable talents. Happy Holidays, Bev
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Good job. What are the fans saying about the language translation in the quoatations? I have tried it different ways and haven't go it correct yet.
"Hau, Milan (greetings, younger sister)." He responded, feeling warmth fill his heart at the sight of her. (comma after sister and lower case 'h' on he)
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Good job. What are the fans saying about the language translation in the quoatations? I have tried it different ways and haven't go it correct yet.
"Hau, Milan (greetings, younger sister)." He responded, feeling warmth fill his heart at the sight of her. (comma after sister and lower case 'h' on he)
Comment Written 21-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Hi, barbara. The reactions have been very positive. A good suggestion came from one of my reviewers to limit the amount of it. I had originally included more of the Sioux language. I thought the point was well made and did cut some of it out.
Thanks so much for your encouraging review.
Christmas Blessings,
Bev
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh Bev, I LOVE the intermingling of languages in this chapter (as I have any other time I have encountered it, and I have encountered it outside of your book, too). This is a very suspenseful chapter as well, but I must say, the choice to incorporate such strong spiritual ties (bad) makes absolutely compelling reading, in my mind. How I wish I had a six for this marvelous write!!!
(But hey, quit pickin' on Canada's weather - we have no snow in Toronto, but the storm is coming up from the States! LOL)
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Oh Bev, I LOVE the intermingling of languages in this chapter (as I have any other time I have encountered it, and I have encountered it outside of your book, too). This is a very suspenseful chapter as well, but I must say, the choice to incorporate such strong spiritual ties (bad) makes absolutely compelling reading, in my mind. How I wish I had a six for this marvelous write!!!
(But hey, quit pickin' on Canada's weather - we have no snow in Toronto, but the storm is coming up from the States! LOL)
Comment Written 21-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Dawn, you are such a sweetie. You always make me smile! Thank you so much for your continued support of my story. You inspire me to continue to improve with each post. Blessings, my friend, and thanks for the virtual six! Bev
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Entirely my pleasure, Bev, honestly. It is such a wonderful, wonderful story!
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You're so kind, Dawn. XXXooo Bev
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Not at all, I'm just tellin' you like it is, my friend.
Comment from fictionwriter
Another wonderful chapter. I loved that you included Souix language in your story. It gives the reader a real feel for the Native Americans. Well done.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Another wonderful chapter. I loved that you included Souix language in your story. It gives the reader a real feel for the Native Americans. Well done.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Thank you so much for this wonderful review, FW. I appreciate you taking time to read at this busy season. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Tina55
A wind blew through from Canada overnight, turning the forest path hazardous with patches of black ice. (Hear, hear! It's blowing like crazy right now, too. Almost two feet of snow has been dumped on us since yesterday around lunch time. The Great White North, indeed! :))
He was often called upon to clear dark energies oppressing the people of his tribe. What he'd felt in his kitchen was an evil of unparalleled vigor. It stirred dark emotions he'd thought vanquished. (Does this meant that once the darkness has been vanquished, it has no way of returning...of persisting in it's plight to win?)
I love how you weave Sioux into your story. Is it in your heritage?
You're moving us right along, yet I can't seem to stop biting my nails! Great tension building, Bev.
Great hook at the end...give us a little respite that someone had just died of natural causes, and then WHAM, throw us right back into the frying pan!!
Have yourself a very Merry Christmas, Bev!
Love,
Tina
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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A wind blew through from Canada overnight, turning the forest path hazardous with patches of black ice. (Hear, hear! It's blowing like crazy right now, too. Almost two feet of snow has been dumped on us since yesterday around lunch time. The Great White North, indeed! :))
He was often called upon to clear dark energies oppressing the people of his tribe. What he'd felt in his kitchen was an evil of unparalleled vigor. It stirred dark emotions he'd thought vanquished. (Does this meant that once the darkness has been vanquished, it has no way of returning...of persisting in it's plight to win?)
I love how you weave Sioux into your story. Is it in your heritage?
You're moving us right along, yet I can't seem to stop biting my nails! Great tension building, Bev.
Great hook at the end...give us a little respite that someone had just died of natural causes, and then WHAM, throw us right back into the frying pan!!
Have yourself a very Merry Christmas, Bev!
Love,
Tina
Comment Written 21-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Hiya, buddy. I really appreciate you taking time out to read my chapter, Tina. Your comments and insights are always helpful and appreciated! I've changed vanquished - you made an excellent observation as usual. My American Indian background is a bit of a mystery since the NA's did not keep birth records like we do. Probably a past life with Sioux, though, as I find them especially fascinating.
I hope you have a very lovely Holiday Season with your wonderful family, Tina.
Love ya, Bev
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Much love to you, Bev! :)
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Thanks, sweetie! :0) Bev
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for your additional notes about Sioux bilingual patterns. I especially liked the way you appealed to our sense of sound as you described the scene in the opening paragraph and your observation that "Reason, alone" can render "a person blind". I was intrigued by your reference to the mystery of Indian time and your description of how the siblings carefully spoke to one another. Your leaving us in suspense about another missing person is quite effective. Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Thank you for your additional notes about Sioux bilingual patterns. I especially liked the way you appealed to our sense of sound as you described the scene in the opening paragraph and your observation that "Reason, alone" can render "a person blind". I was intrigued by your reference to the mystery of Indian time and your description of how the siblings carefully spoke to one another. Your leaving us in suspense about another missing person is quite effective. Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 21-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Hi, Joan! Thank you so much for your gracious and generous review. I very much appreciate your support. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Bev,
I think this onedemands a six as it builds up a new tension and introduces the Indian aspect of the supernatural beautifully. The final hook and the evidence gathered at the house hold the attention well.
Patrick
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Hi Bev,
I think this onedemands a six as it builds up a new tension and introduces the Indian aspect of the supernatural beautifully. The final hook and the evidence gathered at the house hold the attention well.
Patrick
Comment Written 21-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Patrick, thank you very much for your so-generous review! You've made my heart happy. Blessings, Bev
Comment from robina1978
I love the artwork you chose to complement this story. I did not spot any mistakes but got absolutely lost in this chapter. Must be course of the mixture of English and Sioux.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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I love the artwork you chose to complement this story. I did not spot any mistakes but got absolutely lost in this chapter. Must be course of the mixture of English and Sioux.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Thank you, Ine. I appreciate your review very much! Bev
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very welcome, Ine
Comment from w0manp0et
Hi W.F.D.,
This is top-notch writing, some of the best I've seen. It's clear, and easy to follow. Description is vivid, dialogue believable, pace just right and characterization superb.
I tend to mentally edit out unnecessary commas as I read, and I was doing some of that as I read this chapter. This sentence, for instance:
The sound of Officer Poole clearing his throat behind him, pulled Derek from his concentration.
If you were to drop the word 'and' this sentence would be grammatically correct and smoother with no commas:
And reason, alone, rendered a person blind to such forces.
FYI:
The words afterward and afterwards are both used correctly. The only significant limitation is that when the word afterwards is used, it can only be used as an adverb and in relation to time. For example: "The boy needs to eat all of his dinner and he can have dessert afterwards." It is considered more formal to use the word afterward without the "s" at the end. Also if a person is describing the order of objects and not a specific time, the word afterward is the only acceptable word to use.One thing to remember is that if a person is unsure about usage of the word afterward as opposed to the word afterwards in a sentence, the best thing is to refrain from using the s at the end of the word, and the writer is always going to write the word in a correct manner. Therefore, when in doubt, do not include the letter s. FROM reference.com
'Afterwards' works. I think 'afterward' sounds much more professional.
Indian time was a mystery to the white man, Tony knew. **Would this sentence work better without 'Tony knew?'
This was the other sentence that gave me pause:
Tony felt, to his core, an otherworldly evil was behind the murder.
These are suggestions only, one person's opinion: Take or shake!
Your writing prowess is impressive, and I mean that. You should be proud.
Thanks for sharing, and best wishes!
WP
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Hi W.F.D.,
This is top-notch writing, some of the best I've seen. It's clear, and easy to follow. Description is vivid, dialogue believable, pace just right and characterization superb.
I tend to mentally edit out unnecessary commas as I read, and I was doing some of that as I read this chapter. This sentence, for instance:
The sound of Officer Poole clearing his throat behind him, pulled Derek from his concentration.
If you were to drop the word 'and' this sentence would be grammatically correct and smoother with no commas:
And reason, alone, rendered a person blind to such forces.
FYI:
The words afterward and afterwards are both used correctly. The only significant limitation is that when the word afterwards is used, it can only be used as an adverb and in relation to time. For example: "The boy needs to eat all of his dinner and he can have dessert afterwards." It is considered more formal to use the word afterward without the "s" at the end. Also if a person is describing the order of objects and not a specific time, the word afterward is the only acceptable word to use.One thing to remember is that if a person is unsure about usage of the word afterward as opposed to the word afterwards in a sentence, the best thing is to refrain from using the s at the end of the word, and the writer is always going to write the word in a correct manner. Therefore, when in doubt, do not include the letter s. FROM reference.com
'Afterwards' works. I think 'afterward' sounds much more professional.
Indian time was a mystery to the white man, Tony knew. **Would this sentence work better without 'Tony knew?'
This was the other sentence that gave me pause:
Tony felt, to his core, an otherworldly evil was behind the murder.
These are suggestions only, one person's opinion: Take or shake!
Your writing prowess is impressive, and I mean that. You should be proud.
Thanks for sharing, and best wishes!
WP
Comment Written 21-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Hi, w0manp0et. Thank you for this very generous and supportive review! I appreciate your suggestions and have taken care of the changes. I'm very grateful for your choice to read my chapter during this very busy time of year. Holiday Blessings, Bev
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where tony is visited by his sister and she says she has seen her son in three visions and they decide to work together to banish the devil and another parishioner is reported missing.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where tony is visited by his sister and she says she has seen her son in three visions and they decide to work together to banish the devil and another parishioner is reported missing.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2012
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Thank you so much, sweet. I really appreciate the wonderful review! Warmest regards, Bev