Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 55 "Sunka Moon, Part 1"Murder Mystery
56 total reviews
Comment from Kashif Ali Abbas
Your story, background plot, narration and description all score very high 5 for me. However, I did not like the dialogues...?I'll never let you get near Jana.?
?Oh, but I'm certain no one will keep her from coming after me. In fact, I'm counting on it.?
?You said you want a priest. We have no priests on the Reservation.?
?Cleverness is a virtue I admire. But clever will get 'our' hostage dead. Capice, redboy?
?I will hunt you down!?[[ needs a little crispiness ]]
K
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
   |
Your story, background plot, narration and description all score very high 5 for me. However, I did not like the dialogues...?I'll never let you get near Jana.?
?Oh, but I'm certain no one will keep her from coming after me. In fact, I'm counting on it.?
?You said you want a priest. We have no priests on the Reservation.?
?Cleverness is a virtue I admire. But clever will get 'our' hostage dead. Capice, redboy?
?I will hunt you down!?[[ needs a little crispiness ]]
K
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
-
Since I'm not sure what you didn't like about the dialogue, I can't really respond to that. I notice the editing snafu shows up in your examples, but I'm not aware of it being in mine. Anyway, thanks for your time and interest. Bev
Comment from RGstar
Hi, Bev, I have not been very well these last days so forgive me, just catching up.
''His thoughts backtracked to the hospital encounter with his cousin, Jana; and the fear he sensed beneath her veneer of control''
I thought you could have done without ''veneer'' here, Bev.
For me, it stood out as being too poetic, a tiny rich when it could just be said simply.
''veneer'' brings another element of focus for the conscious mind which in that small statement should just flow into the next piece without notice. Just a small detail I felt, nothing detrimental. Such is the power and expectation of your write, it jumped out at me.
It is all there, Bev; the suspese , the action, the psycholgy.
The scenes are very real indeed, where the balance between narrative and the visual, in which we see with the unconscious mind, is spot on.
There are no bumps to distract and draw attention to in awe of any forced scenes or wording looking to extract emotions.
The write is even and reaches crescendos at the right instances, whether it is depicted outward emotion, which in turn creates physical action, or inward emotion which creates thought. You have groomed this well.
''Except for the soft rumble of the idling engine, the night was preternaturally silent -- even the bullfrogs cowered in the creek. He expected the dog to move to the opposite bank where a quarter-mile of barbed wire fencing kept out poachers. Instead, the animal stopped square in the middle of the road, turned and faced the patrolman.
Sweet Christ, will you look at that?''
Here is a perfect example of using the periphery - nature, night, idling engine, bullfrog, creek, all in the unconscious section of the mind, then relates with precision back to the focus , the suspense and the terror about to unfold, with the dog turning in the middle of the street, ready for what comes next.
Brilliant, because although seemingly minor in context, these are the scenes that define good writing -how to engage the unconscious mind.
This reminds me of the the film 'Exorcist' except a modern day version with a wider narrative.
Bev, I am proud of you.
Great to see authors using initiative and trusting it.
Proud to give this a six.
Best wishes,
have a great day.
RG
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
 |
Hi, Bev, I have not been very well these last days so forgive me, just catching up.
''His thoughts backtracked to the hospital encounter with his cousin, Jana; and the fear he sensed beneath her veneer of control''
I thought you could have done without ''veneer'' here, Bev.
For me, it stood out as being too poetic, a tiny rich when it could just be said simply.
''veneer'' brings another element of focus for the conscious mind which in that small statement should just flow into the next piece without notice. Just a small detail I felt, nothing detrimental. Such is the power and expectation of your write, it jumped out at me.
It is all there, Bev; the suspese , the action, the psycholgy.
The scenes are very real indeed, where the balance between narrative and the visual, in which we see with the unconscious mind, is spot on.
There are no bumps to distract and draw attention to in awe of any forced scenes or wording looking to extract emotions.
The write is even and reaches crescendos at the right instances, whether it is depicted outward emotion, which in turn creates physical action, or inward emotion which creates thought. You have groomed this well.
''Except for the soft rumble of the idling engine, the night was preternaturally silent -- even the bullfrogs cowered in the creek. He expected the dog to move to the opposite bank where a quarter-mile of barbed wire fencing kept out poachers. Instead, the animal stopped square in the middle of the road, turned and faced the patrolman.
Sweet Christ, will you look at that?''
Here is a perfect example of using the periphery - nature, night, idling engine, bullfrog, creek, all in the unconscious section of the mind, then relates with precision back to the focus , the suspense and the terror about to unfold, with the dog turning in the middle of the street, ready for what comes next.
Brilliant, because although seemingly minor in context, these are the scenes that define good writing -how to engage the unconscious mind.
This reminds me of the the film 'Exorcist' except a modern day version with a wider narrative.
Bev, I am proud of you.
Great to see authors using initiative and trusting it.
Proud to give this a six.
Best wishes,
have a great day.
RG
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
-
Can you tell I've been reading poetry lately, RG? I see your excellent point on that section. I so appreciate your very comprehensive review and insights. It's been a writing journey with this book, for sure. And one of the things I've learned through studying the craft is to add all those details you so kindly mention. It was not something I did very well when I first started this site. So, your mention of it really means a lot to me. I simply can't thank you enough for this lovely review. You are, indeed, a very kind and generous person and I'm honored by your interest in helping me.
Warmest regards, Bev
-
Best wishes, Bev. You are one of the most gentle, polite and honorable writers on this site, and a credit to it.
I enjoy liaising with your work and with your person, though in words.
I never tire from seeing yor work and the aura you bring, with the modesty it takes for a writer who needs no introduction for being an excellent one.
It is my pleasure.
Best wishes, Bev, and fully deserved.
RG
-
I'm deeply moved by your words, RG. I feel the same way about you. You're a real class act, my friend. XX Bev
Comment from padumachitta
Hello. This is well writen and serioulsy chilling, creepy and well, don't read it at night stuff.
I can't believe you left us hanging like this, have you no heart? Please post the rest soon...:-)
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
|
Hello. This is well writen and serioulsy chilling, creepy and well, don't read it at night stuff.
I can't believe you left us hanging like this, have you no heart? Please post the rest soon...:-)
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
-
Your review brought a big smile to my face, padumachitta. I very much appreciate your generosity and support. :0) Bev
Comment from emrpoems
This certainly is a thriller.
Great piece of creative writing holding the reader's attention to the end.
You are certainly a talented writer
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
|
This certainly is a thriller.
Great piece of creative writing holding the reader's attention to the end.
You are certainly a talented writer
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
-
Aw, thanks so much, emrpoems. I'm honored by your generosity and support. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where tony is drawn into the fight when he is forced to deliver jana and the priest in four hours
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
|
this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where tony is drawn into the fight when he is forced to deliver jana and the priest in four hours
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
-
Thank you so very much, Sweet.
Comment from Dawn Munro
Ooooh, this was so creepy, and it's late at night; I have my door open too, so Prissy can expand her horizons a little (she likes to sit in the hall - she'd run the length of it if I would allow her to - *smile*).
Your descriptions are fabulous, Bev. I do have one slight
revision suggestion though: "She was at the point where sleep is the only thing that (could make her) see straight."
When you use "you" in a story like this one, there is an immediate disconnect with the plot - it brings your reader's attention to him/herself(the reader), and not the events unfolding within the story, yes?
Wonderfully chilling! You get my last six of the week, my friend. :)
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
|
Ooooh, this was so creepy, and it's late at night; I have my door open too, so Prissy can expand her horizons a little (she likes to sit in the hall - she'd run the length of it if I would allow her to - *smile*).
Your descriptions are fabulous, Bev. I do have one slight
revision suggestion though: "She was at the point where sleep is the only thing that (could make her) see straight."
When you use "you" in a story like this one, there is an immediate disconnect with the plot - it brings your reader's attention to him/herself(the reader), and not the events unfolding within the story, yes?
Wonderfully chilling! You get my last six of the week, my friend. :)
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
-
Hi, Dawn. I did wonder about that suggestion and I think you make a great point. Easily changed, I think.
Thank you so much for this sterling and very generous review. I so appreciate your continued support, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Joan E.
I liked your description of atmospherics in the opening paragraph and of the mysterious "devil dog" in the fog to re-engage us in the scene. I also admired your comparing Ty to a "tracker" and your "cancer cells" analogy. The killing of the uncle's dog and the call from the murderer were shocking. The suspense you create is powerful. Brava! -Joan
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
|
I liked your description of atmospherics in the opening paragraph and of the mysterious "devil dog" in the fog to re-engage us in the scene. I also admired your comparing Ty to a "tracker" and your "cancer cells" analogy. The killing of the uncle's dog and the call from the murderer were shocking. The suspense you create is powerful. Brava! -Joan
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
-
Joan, thank you so very much for this detailed and very generous review. I know it seems like I've been writing this story forever, LOL. That's why I want to especially thank you for hanging in there with me now that I'm heading into the home stretch. Hugs, Bev
-
I always enjoy your storytelling, and I salute your continuing this project and nearing the finale. Best wishes with the final chapters. Cheers- Joan
-
I can't believe how long this has taken me. But, I've had to learn my own rhythms, and I'm not a churner - more of a plodder, if that makes any sense. Thanks so much for being such a supportive fan/friend. Hugs, Bev
-
I can relate--I'm a plodder too--but I haven't had the energy to commit to a project of this length! You are a terrific role model and deserve many kudos--hip, hip, hooray! Joan
-
Joan, you are so kind and encouraging. Wow, I'm humbled...
XXX Bev
Comment from kiwijenny
Very cool, very exciting...I loved the imagery. This wild wolf hybrid...frightened someone that is pretty unfrightenable.....a great tale ...you reeled me in from start to finish
God bless
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2014
|
Very cool, very exciting...I loved the imagery. This wild wolf hybrid...frightened someone that is pretty unfrightenable.....a great tale ...you reeled me in from start to finish
God bless
Comment Written 25-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2014
-
Thank you so much, K. I really appreciate your gracious and encouraging review! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Oh no, you can't leave us hanging like that! Poor Wasu, what a terrible thing to do, but I guess if you kill little old ladies and men, a dog is nothing. Great as always, looking forward to part 2. Rox =}
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2014
|
Oh no, you can't leave us hanging like that! Poor Wasu, what a terrible thing to do, but I guess if you kill little old ladies and men, a dog is nothing. Great as always, looking forward to part 2. Rox =}
Comment Written 25-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2014
-
Hi, Rox. Great to hear from you. It was really hard to write that scene with Wasu. I have such a love for dogs! Thanks much, my friend. XX Bev
Comment from DonandVicki
I like the way that you compose your words to hold the readers attention and construct your characters in your well written story. Don
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2014
|
I like the way that you compose your words to hold the readers attention and construct your characters in your well written story. Don
Comment Written 25-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2014
-
Thank you so much for this very gracious review, D. I appreciate the support. ;0) Bev