Jason Lamar Kane's Private Orbit
Never Underestimate a Daddy's Love40 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
A gripping story that brings some wit into this highly dramatic and powerful story of remorse, revenge, and justice. No winners here. It was heart-wrenching to enter the mind of a precious girl's unhappy introduction to womanhood, her mixed and misguided devotions, and her tragic suicide. The depiction of her innocence, the father's bridled, but barely concealed hatred, and the actor's complete downfall from pompous ass to pee-pants asshole was so well told. Always a pleasure to read your work, Jay.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2018
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A gripping story that brings some wit into this highly dramatic and powerful story of remorse, revenge, and justice. No winners here. It was heart-wrenching to enter the mind of a precious girl's unhappy introduction to womanhood, her mixed and misguided devotions, and her tragic suicide. The depiction of her innocence, the father's bridled, but barely concealed hatred, and the actor's complete downfall from pompous ass to pee-pants asshole was so well told. Always a pleasure to read your work, Jay.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2018
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Bill, you humble me. Coming from someone I so respect for your quality output on a regular basis, I must give you a thumbs up!
Comment from judiverse
Excellent, excellent! Great job with the dialogue, and it should be quite a contender in the contest. Neither character is very admirable. They're alike in that they both want to maintain a certain persona--Kane of the great actor and Lawrence that of the dignified academic with unblemished reputation. Lawrence achieves his goal of humiliating Kane. (Kane is a great name, as it makes me think of Citizen Kane and his delusions of grandeur.) The father considers himself blameless for his daughter's actions, but the way he treated her is somewhat ambivalent. He trusted her to be on her own; yet, he expected perfection from her. Seventeen isn't an age for maturity. Of course Kane took advantage. but she was an opportunity that presented herself. Lots of complexity in this with a lot of aspects of the characters' behavior to consider. judi
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2018
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Excellent, excellent! Great job with the dialogue, and it should be quite a contender in the contest. Neither character is very admirable. They're alike in that they both want to maintain a certain persona--Kane of the great actor and Lawrence that of the dignified academic with unblemished reputation. Lawrence achieves his goal of humiliating Kane. (Kane is a great name, as it makes me think of Citizen Kane and his delusions of grandeur.) The father considers himself blameless for his daughter's actions, but the way he treated her is somewhat ambivalent. He trusted her to be on her own; yet, he expected perfection from her. Seventeen isn't an age for maturity. Of course Kane took advantage. but she was an opportunity that presented herself. Lots of complexity in this with a lot of aspects of the characters' behavior to consider. judi
Comment Written 24-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2018
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As Clark Gable said, "Judy ... Judy ... Judy." You outdid yourself here, girl in your evaluation of my story. You pulled things out of it that I hadn't (but probably would if I studied it). Thank you for reading it so closely and for your good wishes. Only time, and the judges, will tell how well it did. In the mean time, please accept this thumbs up!
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You're very welcome. Glad you appreciated. That Judy, Judy, Judy makes me think of a director for some of the community theatre plays I was in. He was always saying that. judi
Comment from Tootsie55
Aha now I know the Dialogue contest. We are both in this I haven't got a hope against your great episode. Well done. Plenty of drama. Did he kill him or what?Wondering about the extra commas but maybe intentional due to deference to stuffiness? elision. Have to look that one up... a new word for me. Guess who this is? We opened this account again for those who had not read right through Louise's Trip Book. This is your old Spagarama catcher building up some points so I can promote her book a bit more. People wanted more of our Holiday story than I felt I should give in my book. I guess you don't need good luck this is definitely a winner.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2018
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Aha now I know the Dialogue contest. We are both in this I haven't got a hope against your great episode. Well done. Plenty of drama. Did he kill him or what?Wondering about the extra commas but maybe intentional due to deference to stuffiness? elision. Have to look that one up... a new word for me. Guess who this is? We opened this account again for those who had not read right through Louise's Trip Book. This is your old Spagarama catcher building up some points so I can promote her book a bit more. People wanted more of our Holiday story than I felt I should give in my book. I guess you don't need good luck this is definitely a winner.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2018
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Luise! Good to have you back! What kind words! But you know how the judges are for brevity. I'll have to look up yours. Commas ... always a problem with me. Thanks so much for the Sixer!
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Geoff (Sankey)here mate building it up for her...see if you missed any chapters of the trip book a bit boring I realize.
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I know I read a lot of your travel chapters, Geoff. I could find time to read a couple of your choosing, but unfortunately, I don't have time to devote much time to it. I have too many irons in the fire, friend.
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Well I don't think you were one that expressed disappointmebnt I did n ot do more in my book but I will check and see who the main ones are might be interested. If I build up Louise's Funny money in herre more I can pay for more promotion seeing I have shelled out nearly $AUD100 to get this up again for a year for supposed interested parties.
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I hope I didn't appear rude, or hurt your feelngs, but sometimes (especially at my age) I have to take a stand and not make promises I can't keep. That was why I said I would read a few selected chapters. I really hope that makes clear my intent.
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No worries mate. I appreciate whatever you can find the time to do. We are as I said trying to do reviews in here to build up her account so we can promote her book more.
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I feel much better, now. Thanks, Geoff
Comment from tfawcus
In terms of sustained suspense, one of the best pieces of writing I've seen for a long time. You have shown the character of these two men brilliantly through the dialogue. Delightfully nuanced.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2018
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In terms of sustained suspense, one of the best pieces of writing I've seen for a long time. You have shown the character of these two men brilliantly through the dialogue. Delightfully nuanced.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2018
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Wow! And coming from you! Thank you so much, Tony. Surprisingly, I had no trouble writing it, only getting it to stop. I'm so pleased you enjoyed it!
Comment from gene roush
Nice job.
The intro flows well into the tension.
The use of the recording was a good idea. Catherine's voice seems a bit stuffy at the end. She goes from exclaiming "Shit!" to "You must do nothing to Jason"
Thanks for sharing. It's always a pleasure.
Gene
I've been out your way a couple times recently, reliving memories and hanging with grandsons.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2018
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Nice job.
The intro flows well into the tension.
The use of the recording was a good idea. Catherine's voice seems a bit stuffy at the end. She goes from exclaiming "Shit!" to "You must do nothing to Jason"
Thanks for sharing. It's always a pleasure.
Gene
I've been out your way a couple times recently, reliving memories and hanging with grandsons.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2018
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Thanks so much, Gene. The "Shit" was when she found she was pregnant. But I know what you mean. The six was an unexpected delight. I appreciate it.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Jay, it's good to see you writing again and then with an intriguing story written in dialogue only. Great achievement and a great tale of a father's revenge. It was certainly not too long. A very fine and strong entry for the contest. I wish you the best with the judges. Kind regards. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2018
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Hi Jay, it's good to see you writing again and then with an intriguing story written in dialogue only. Great achievement and a great tale of a father's revenge. It was certainly not too long. A very fine and strong entry for the contest. I wish you the best with the judges. Kind regards. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 23-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2018
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Ulla, thank you so much for your kindness and words of confidence. By far the consensus of opinion is that it isn't too long. I hope the judges feel the same. It's good to hear from you again.
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I actually hope you wind. It is wonderful writing. I have a short piece in the contest but yours is far the best of all I've read.
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That is so sweet. Ulla. Thank you!
Comment from damommy
No need to apologize for the length. I enjoyed it immensely all the way through. What a story told in dialogue only, and it left us with nothing to guess at. What a way to get revenge on someone, letting them live with what they've done. The best kind. This is sure to be a winner in the contest. Good luck!
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2018
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No need to apologize for the length. I enjoyed it immensely all the way through. What a story told in dialogue only, and it left us with nothing to guess at. What a way to get revenge on someone, letting them live with what they've done. The best kind. This is sure to be a winner in the contest. Good luck!
Comment Written 22-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2018
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Damommy, what wonderful words to hear this Thanksgiving evening. I hope the judges feel as you do. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Comment from Gloria ....
Very nicely written tale of revenge, Jay. Not using quotation makes this a much clearer read. They really are unnecessary bits of chicken scratch on a page. The dialogue remains crystal clear. You've adeptly told an entire story, complete with descriptions all naturally within dialogue.
And now Jason Kane gets to be the centre of attention in a way far beyond his imagination I am sure. The tabloids will kill him, so rather a round about way of doing someone in, yes?
Superb job friend, Jay. Unique and engaging. I wish you much luck with the Contest Committee.
Gloria
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2018
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Very nicely written tale of revenge, Jay. Not using quotation makes this a much clearer read. They really are unnecessary bits of chicken scratch on a page. The dialogue remains crystal clear. You've adeptly told an entire story, complete with descriptions all naturally within dialogue.
And now Jason Kane gets to be the centre of attention in a way far beyond his imagination I am sure. The tabloids will kill him, so rather a round about way of doing someone in, yes?
Superb job friend, Jay. Unique and engaging. I wish you much luck with the Contest Committee.
Gloria
Comment Written 22-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2018
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I know it's overused, Gloria, but you certainly did make my day! And with six stars. I hope there aren't that many entries and the committee takes the time to read them to their completion. Once again, thank you for your kindness.
Comment from Mastery
Jay is back! LOL Quite a long entry, my friend, but definitely well done from top to bottom.
It's quite a tale you have woven here, my friend. Lots of gret images throughout, too. Like
"Reaching into my coat pocket. I've got my gun pointed at you. I'm about to blow off your balls, and you're worried about what I'm pulling from my pocket? What do you think, I have a bomb in there?"
I notice you do not use quote marks? Is that on purpose?
Happy Thanksgiving, Mate. Bob
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Jay is back! LOL Quite a long entry, my friend, but definitely well done from top to bottom.
It's quite a tale you have woven here, my friend. Lots of gret images throughout, too. Like
"Reaching into my coat pocket. I've got my gun pointed at you. I'm about to blow off your balls, and you're worried about what I'm pulling from my pocket? What do you think, I have a bomb in there?"
I notice you do not use quote marks? Is that on purpose?
Happy Thanksgiving, Mate. Bob
Comment Written 21-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Thanks, Bob. I appreciate your reading this. Yes it's long; I kept trying to shorten it, but couldn't do it. The contest wasn't clear on the quote marks, but it did say "ONLY DIALOGUE" and I didn't want to be disqualified on a technicality. I have enough going against me with its length, though no length qualification was given.
We'll see. Again, thanks Bob.
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Good job, my friend. Bob
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Your story held my interest throughout. I'm glad to see you back. I haven't seen a post from you for quite a while. You have always been one of my favorite authors.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Your story held my interest throughout. I'm glad to see you back. I haven't seen a post from you for quite a while. You have always been one of my favorite authors.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Kind of you, Thomas. Glad it held your interest. I got a few complaints it was longish, but I couldn't see how to make it shorter without detracting from the dramatic impact. Anyhoo, glad you enjoyed it. THANK YOU FOR THE SIXER!