Broken branches
Families, grown apart from the start60 total reviews
Comment from Ben Colder
The strongest stanza.
Still, here I sit, leaves rustling, squirrels tussling, birds preening,
when...sudden..Clearly defined as tho' written in the sands of time,
I see it is my broken path upon which I journey!
Riding, broken branches in the sky.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
  |
The strongest stanza.
Still, here I sit, leaves rustling, squirrels tussling, birds preening,
when...sudden..Clearly defined as tho' written in the sands of time,
I see it is my broken path upon which I journey!
Riding, broken branches in the sky.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
-
Thank you very much Ben..
Comment from dragonpoet
This sounds like someone lamenting the loss of a loved one that happened 30 years ago. The snap of the branch was the breaking of the relationship by death. The birds may be angels. Now the speaker sees an imminent return to his lost love.
Good luck in the contest.
Keep writing.
~dragonpoet
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
|
This sounds like someone lamenting the loss of a loved one that happened 30 years ago. The snap of the branch was the breaking of the relationship by death. The birds may be angels. Now the speaker sees an imminent return to his lost love.
Good luck in the contest.
Keep writing.
~dragonpoet
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
-
Thank you.
-
You're welcome.
dp
Comment from victor 66
I suspect, in many ways, that you are writing in this lyrical poem writing prompt entry, about life itself. I also suspect that we all choose "paths" that we question at one time or another. Your black and white illustration is beautiful... but lonely, as is life at times. Best wishes.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
|
I suspect, in many ways, that you are writing in this lyrical poem writing prompt entry, about life itself. I also suspect that we all choose "paths" that we question at one time or another. Your black and white illustration is beautiful... but lonely, as is life at times. Best wishes.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
-
Yes thank you.
-
You're welcome.
Comment from Coco Jane
Interesting poetic commentary about life's roads.
You have some mechanical errors:
In stanza 2, wings has two periods after it.
In stanza 5, journey's needs an apostrophe.
Some stanzas use a comma after rising in the last line, and some do not.
I like the bird imagery.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
|
Interesting poetic commentary about life's roads.
You have some mechanical errors:
In stanza 2, wings has two periods after it.
In stanza 5, journey's needs an apostrophe.
Some stanzas use a comma after rising in the last line, and some do not.
I like the bird imagery.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
-
I am so grateful for your review and of course I will effect the changes needed.
Comment from Ms. Q
Good job on this piece. I enjoyed it. Very well versed and put together. Very nice. Good lyrical poem. I can almost hear the beat in my head while reading this peace
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2019
|
Good job on this piece. I enjoyed it. Very well versed and put together. Very nice. Good lyrical poem. I can almost hear the beat in my head while reading this peace
Comment Written 25-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2019
-
I am so privileged that you spent the time to read and comment on my work, thank you!
-
Your welcome
-
I am so privileged that you spent the time to read and comment on my work, thank you!
Comment from evesayshi
In my opinion, an exquisite write, deserving of more than these Six Stars - it actually brought tears to my eyes - its beauty and message so clear in presentation and smooth delivery. I could go on and on about the superb quality of this poem and how it is reminiscent of Walt Whitman to me, but, I am certain you must feel its splendor within, without further elaboration on my part. I hesitate to offer my one suggestion, so you may disregard it completely if you wish. Please do not be offended, it is only ONE minor grammatical flaw - with your permission, dear gifted writer:
I would change the word "chose" to "choose" in the 3rd stanza, 5th line, for verb tense accuracy.
I offer my best wishes in the contest for this absolutely amazing free verse poem, that is fully compliant with the prompt, and more...
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2019
 |
In my opinion, an exquisite write, deserving of more than these Six Stars - it actually brought tears to my eyes - its beauty and message so clear in presentation and smooth delivery. I could go on and on about the superb quality of this poem and how it is reminiscent of Walt Whitman to me, but, I am certain you must feel its splendor within, without further elaboration on my part. I hesitate to offer my one suggestion, so you may disregard it completely if you wish. Please do not be offended, it is only ONE minor grammatical flaw - with your permission, dear gifted writer:
I would change the word "chose" to "choose" in the 3rd stanza, 5th line, for verb tense accuracy.
I offer my best wishes in the contest for this absolutely amazing free verse poem, that is fully compliant with the prompt, and more...
Comment Written 25-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2019
-
my,dear evesayhi! I for one will never be offended when someone of your talent, would take the time and make the effort to read and comment on my work. I am an untrained writer! So, your comments and those I have found on FanStory are so valued...you are surrogate professors! I am so truly humbled by your comments and did immediately change this typo. my best wishes for your continued successes!
-
You are so very welcome, and thank you for your courteous indulgence. I too am an untrained writer, writing as the words flow. I have also undertaken writing challenges, in accordance with contest prompts, and have been pleasantly surprised, even awed, by reviews or winning placements, so I feel I am learning much with consistent ongoing practice, and I continue to feel encouraged, as you must and do...Eve
Comment from doggymad1
This was a beautiful thought provoking work. I make no comment on the poetry format as I am not well versed in it.
I loved the language used throughout, simple but effective with vivid images.
Best of luck with th is one
hugs
Freda
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2019
|
This was a beautiful thought provoking work. I make no comment on the poetry format as I am not well versed in it.
I loved the language used throughout, simple but effective with vivid images.
Best of luck with th is one
hugs
Freda
Comment Written 25-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2019
-
My sincere than, you Freda.
Comment from susand3022
Broken branches can be very disheartening indeed. I have recently suffered a broken branch myself, though not knowing why... Then I was accused of being the broken brac=nch myself. By one of those people that isn't around to know enough to put on their 2 cents worth in the first place! I hate that! LOL Ahhh... broken branches... heartbreaking indeed
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2019
|
Broken branches can be very disheartening indeed. I have recently suffered a broken branch myself, though not knowing why... Then I was accused of being the broken brac=nch myself. By one of those people that isn't around to know enough to put on their 2 cents worth in the first place! I hate that! LOL Ahhh... broken branches... heartbreaking indeed
Comment Written 25-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2019
-
My sincerest hope for mending of the branches, if that is meant to be. If not, many journeys are still ahead with many branches which I hope for you will bend like a willow branch...
Comment from karenina
This could be a lyrical poetic biography of my own family. We were so close for so long and none of us seems to know quite why, but we drifted apart and visits became calls, calls became texts, texts became an occasional FB post until now birthdays, holidays, anniversaries of our parent's death creep past leaving a chill where once there was a bond I would have sworn was unbreakable. Your metaphor of broken branches is brilliant. It is heartbreaking when siblings grow so far apart it seems impossible to find a way back!--Karenina
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2019
|
This could be a lyrical poetic biography of my own family. We were so close for so long and none of us seems to know quite why, but we drifted apart and visits became calls, calls became texts, texts became an occasional FB post until now birthdays, holidays, anniversaries of our parent's death creep past leaving a chill where once there was a bond I would have sworn was unbreakable. Your metaphor of broken branches is brilliant. It is heartbreaking when siblings grow so far apart it seems impossible to find a way back!--Karenina
Comment Written 25-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2019
-
Oh my! I am hear broken for you and your loved ones....it is such a terrible human condition in so many families these days. Thank you for your sharing the reality that we are not alone and in some strange, peculiar way odd.
-
Sometimes I imagine us together again...but it is wishful thinking.--Karenina
Comment from misscookie
All I can say is God has blessed you with a marvelous gift to write I had to read it twice... don't get me wrong nothing was wrong with your words or meaning I had two strokes and it hard for me to understand long writing
You captured my attention from the first line to the last
I refused to stop reading until I grasp your poem completely
thank you for sharing
cookie
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2019
|
All I can say is God has blessed you with a marvelous gift to write I had to read it twice... don't get me wrong nothing was wrong with your words or meaning I had two strokes and it hard for me to understand long writing
You captured my attention from the first line to the last
I refused to stop reading until I grasp your poem completely
thank you for sharing
cookie
Comment Written 25-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2019
-
Cookie, first and fore, I pray thee the fullest of recovery! Secondly, thank your for taking the time and the effort to read and comment on my work. I am very much a neophyte in writing and certainly in showing my work publicly.
-
Your very welcome
Cookike