I Hereby Crown Thee ...
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Love and Laughter"A collection of crowns of sonnets
56 total reviews
Comment from skye
Throughly amazed at how talented you are, and how enjoyable this epic was to read.
Your choice of words thrills me... as I love the BIG words, with meaty contents, that we have to think about.
Great story, wonderfully imaginative.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Throughly amazed at how talented you are, and how enjoyable this epic was to read.
Your choice of words thrills me... as I love the BIG words, with meaty contents, that we have to think about.
Great story, wonderfully imaginative.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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I love a big word! Especially if it's an obscure one, as I like to "resurrect" forgotten words when I get the chance. I'm glad you enjoyed the journey Skye; thankyou so much for taking the time to read it, and for sending me your thoughts :-)
Mike
Comment from jlsavell
Fleedleflump, oh goodness..what a magnificnet feat. The first was just an absolutely wonderful tribute to someone who has obviously taken your heart..breathtakingly beautiful. The second an absolutely fantastic story in a poem in a compilation of sonnets no less..the mark of a truly gifted poet..I am awe struck...out of words,, for there is not one thing that I can say that has not alrready been said....WONDERFUL..BEST WISHES ON THE CONTEST..maybe you should take a rest..lol..jlsavell
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Fleedleflump, oh goodness..what a magnificnet feat. The first was just an absolutely wonderful tribute to someone who has obviously taken your heart..breathtakingly beautiful. The second an absolutely fantastic story in a poem in a compilation of sonnets no less..the mark of a truly gifted poet..I am awe struck...out of words,, for there is not one thing that I can say that has not alrready been said....WONDERFUL..BEST WISHES ON THE CONTEST..maybe you should take a rest..lol..jlsavell
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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I think a rest is a good idea, as my mind seem incapable of supplying words right now, not surprisingly! I am hertened that you took the time to read through to the end, and thankyou so much for your lovely and encouraging comments :-)
Mike
Comment from Valerie Julia Ann
Nice writing here. It looks like a job. I give you a lot of credit for all the work you put into these sonnets.
Critique: Repetition "Act 1:I Love Her"
Vs 1, you began the first four lines with repetition. "I love," and "Each." Consider replacing the repeated words with synonyms.
Vs 2, Each of the four lines begin with "The." Consider replacing at least two or three of them with synonyms.
Vs 3, Four lines begin with "You" Consider replacing two or three of them with synonyms.
I won't go through all of the repetitions, but consider another draft to remove as many as possible. I know it's a lot of work, but it's worth it, especially if you're entered in a contest. Cheers, Valerie
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Nice writing here. It looks like a job. I give you a lot of credit for all the work you put into these sonnets.
Critique: Repetition "Act 1:I Love Her"
Vs 1, you began the first four lines with repetition. "I love," and "Each." Consider replacing the repeated words with synonyms.
Vs 2, Each of the four lines begin with "The." Consider replacing at least two or three of them with synonyms.
Vs 3, Four lines begin with "You" Consider replacing two or three of them with synonyms.
I won't go through all of the repetitions, but consider another draft to remove as many as possible. I know it's a lot of work, but it's worth it, especially if you're entered in a contest. Cheers, Valerie
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Thankyou Valerie. I did originally indend to use the repetition structure all the way through, but obviously that didn't work, as the words did not want to play that way :-). I am still going over both acts, and fiddling, so the repetition (which some have liked, and some have not liked) will no doubt get some attention.
Thankyou so much for taking the time out to read and comment on this most epic of my works :-)
Mike
Comment from Judian James
My word man!!! Standing ovation right here in Maine just for you. Very well written, metered, rhymed and just a superb sense of your topic and staying on form. I noticed in your author's notes that you consulted with the masters, so I will leave them to any final tweaking. I loved it and am very impressed indeed.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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My word man!!! Standing ovation right here in Maine just for you. Very well written, metered, rhymed and just a superb sense of your topic and staying on form. I noticed in your author's notes that you consulted with the masters, so I will leave them to any final tweaking. I loved it and am very impressed indeed.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Thankyou JJ. I'm mostly happy that people are just reading it, given its considerable length, and your wonderfully positive response is both heartening and encouraging. I apologise by the way for the acres of Author's Notes, but if nothing else the do at least paint a picture of all that writing this has made me think about!
Thanks again :-)
Mike
Comment from E. W. Crowe
Wow! Fleedleflump. What an undertaking. It's very good, very long, but still very good. I enjoyed the story and it reminded me of Beowulf and all the rest. Good Job.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Wow! Fleedleflump. What an undertaking. It's very good, very long, but still very good. I enjoyed the story and it reminded me of Beowulf and all the rest. Good Job.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Thankyou Crowe, both for reading all the way through, and for the fantastic feedback! This is without doubt the longest poem I've ever written, so I am very glad that it is worth reading! Your words are very much appreciated, and I'm humbled by your encouragement.
Mike
Comment from jshep
I am so glad you entered this contest too, Fleedle. This is quite an accomplishment for sure. Epic in every way. The rhyme is perfect, the story seductive, the descriptions fantastic. I did find some lines with ll syllables and some with iambic meter out, IMHO. I will point out only the first act with my thoughts.
Defining lines so sensual round your arms- I am taking sensual as three syllables.
A sensual twining orgy, reddy-brown - same here with sensual. My dictionary is showing three syllables, but could be US take.
MOst beautiful sound since was begun -9 syllables
Assuaged - I take as 3 syllables, not sure British
when lost and love combined open our doors - find iambic meter dadums off on this line.
Soft as legs twined, our bodies do demand - again meter
Your perfect vibrations in me invest- again meter seems off
A duet of our heartbeats and our mind - meter again
To be together, to all our fears allay - ll syllables
Hope you are not offended by me pointing out these lines, and know it could be different pronunciations from Us to Brit.
This is truly a fantastic job and an accomplishment you should feel very proud of. Can't believe you did two acts. I did two crown heroic sonnets which can be thought of as one story going into the other. Excellent, excellent job and good luck. Joyce
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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I am so glad you entered this contest too, Fleedle. This is quite an accomplishment for sure. Epic in every way. The rhyme is perfect, the story seductive, the descriptions fantastic. I did find some lines with ll syllables and some with iambic meter out, IMHO. I will point out only the first act with my thoughts.
Defining lines so sensual round your arms- I am taking sensual as three syllables.
A sensual twining orgy, reddy-brown - same here with sensual. My dictionary is showing three syllables, but could be US take.
MOst beautiful sound since was begun -9 syllables
Assuaged - I take as 3 syllables, not sure British
when lost and love combined open our doors - find iambic meter dadums off on this line.
Soft as legs twined, our bodies do demand - again meter
Your perfect vibrations in me invest- again meter seems off
A duet of our heartbeats and our mind - meter again
To be together, to all our fears allay - ll syllables
Hope you are not offended by me pointing out these lines, and know it could be different pronunciations from Us to Brit.
This is truly a fantastic job and an accomplishment you should feel very proud of. Can't believe you did two acts. I did two crown heroic sonnets which can be thought of as one story going into the other. Excellent, excellent job and good luck. Joyce
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Thankyou so much for taking the time to really read and analyse this for me Joyce. I'll look through your suggestions in the morning and, no doubt, do some more tweaking (I've already fiddled after comments from Domino and Rama Devi). In the course of writing these, I have come across so many words that can be interpreted as, for example, two or three syllables (depending on pronunciation), that I decided to just go with what flowed best for me, and explain the ones I knew would be contentious. Far from being offended, I am grateful that you give me your thoughts on the lines that don't work for you; I'm going to go with majority opinion on the ones I'm not sure about :-)
Again, thankyou kindly for your time, and mostly just for reading this, as that's really all I want at this point; to be read!
Yours appreciatively,
Mike
Comment from Brian S. Pratt
Enjoyed your poem. Thought the wording was excellent and it read well.
Great job. No Spag or other needed improvements noted.
Brian S Pratt
fantasy author
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Enjoyed your poem. Thought the wording was excellent and it read well.
Great job. No Spag or other needed improvements noted.
Brian S Pratt
fantasy author
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Thankyou Brian, I'm glad you enjoyed the journey :-)
Mike
Comment from Donovan
You have a lot of sage advice on this true epic. I thought the story read well, was coherent and in the end, it seem I could understand what you were saying. Legs jelly in the sun is very descriptive. Good job.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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You have a lot of sage advice on this true epic. I thought the story read well, was coherent and in the end, it seem I could understand what you were saying. Legs jelly in the sun is very descriptive. Good job.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Thankyou Donovan. It was a quest in itself just getting it all finished! I am glad you enjoyed the result.
Mike
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
I've gotta say that at the beginning I thought it sounded like a stalker talking about the one he stalked. It worked though and the flow was great and I didn't see anything worth changing. Great job
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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I've gotta say that at the beginning I thought it sounded like a stalker talking about the one he stalked. It worked though and the flow was great and I didn't see anything worth changing. Great job
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Haha, I'll have to write a stalker version of it :-) Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review.
Mike
Comment from ulster3
*****Now that I've written my first I just wanted you to know i appreciate even better what you've done Mike. I also got a good laugh tonight from the second. Well done! Best to you in the contest.*****
Hello Fleedleflump.
I'm pleased to see how very well you met this difficult challenge. Maintaing is soooo hard. You can be right proud. I loved the use of "git", and I love unicorns. I especially liked this verse:
We're joined by meter you composed, in time,
Our beating hearts a synchronised design.
Together we?re a passion-fueled hot clime,
Our warmth forged deep within our body's mine.
Thanks for your extensive and helpful author notes. Best luck to you. fondly, rebecca
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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*****Now that I've written my first I just wanted you to know i appreciate even better what you've done Mike. I also got a good laugh tonight from the second. Well done! Best to you in the contest.*****
Hello Fleedleflump.
I'm pleased to see how very well you met this difficult challenge. Maintaing is soooo hard. You can be right proud. I loved the use of "git", and I love unicorns. I especially liked this verse:
We're joined by meter you composed, in time,
Our beating hearts a synchronised design.
Together we?re a passion-fueled hot clime,
Our warmth forged deep within our body's mine.
Thanks for your extensive and helpful author notes. Best luck to you. fondly, rebecca
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Thankyou Rebecca :-). This was a massive task, but one that I have enjoyed immensely. I'm glad the journey was worthwhile for you!
Mike