Inflection
Slow Dancing45 total reviews
Comment from barleygirl
This is not the smoothest poem I've ever read, the rhymes are a little clunky, & long complex words & phrasing make it a bumpy ride. The reason I'm giving you 5 stars anyway is becuz the message is sweet & honest & relatable. The 4th stanza stands out for me, with it's humility & specific details that are so human & precious. Also, as the poem continues, the second half delivers more & more precious humanity in the form of feelings conveyed. Using the songs & the singer & songwriter really work well as a vehicle to express feelings in your poem. Great attempt & thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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This is not the smoothest poem I've ever read, the rhymes are a little clunky, & long complex words & phrasing make it a bumpy ride. The reason I'm giving you 5 stars anyway is becuz the message is sweet & honest & relatable. The 4th stanza stands out for me, with it's humility & specific details that are so human & precious. Also, as the poem continues, the second half delivers more & more precious humanity in the form of feelings conveyed. Using the songs & the singer & songwriter really work well as a vehicle to express feelings in your poem. Great attempt & thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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Thanks, I think. The meter is actually right in sync, but longer lines do sometime create problems if read out of rhythm. I appreciate the review, though.
Comment from MissMerri
I enjoyed this poem, which didn't surprise me much since I have, so far, liked every poem of yours I've read. I like how you pay attention to meter and how you keep the verbal music going consistently from beginning to end, and I really enjoy the internal rhyme because I appreciate how very difficult that is to do effectively. You are masterful at this. This is another beautiful poem packed with emotion and though there is a note of sadness, it also ends with the hope that all is not lost. I also like the incorporation of old, familiar music in the text. It adds a bit of nostalgia and is very sweet.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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I enjoyed this poem, which didn't surprise me much since I have, so far, liked every poem of yours I've read. I like how you pay attention to meter and how you keep the verbal music going consistently from beginning to end, and I really enjoy the internal rhyme because I appreciate how very difficult that is to do effectively. You are masterful at this. This is another beautiful poem packed with emotion and though there is a note of sadness, it also ends with the hope that all is not lost. I also like the incorporation of old, familiar music in the text. It adds a bit of nostalgia and is very sweet.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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Thank you very much, MissMerri. I truly appreciate your great review and kind words, my friend.
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
I loved this - but just when I think you are well into a real romance you 'chicken out' - I was singing Night and Day' after reading this. No good appealing to Frank - he aint around to help. Also he never had problems when it came to romance - Mr Casual. You brought a song in right at the end as well - 'I've Got You Under My Skin' - Sinatra's Songs for Swingin' Lovers. A clever piece and an enjoyable read in perfect Imbic thingy - sixteen syllables per line. Regards Dorothy ... Oh - also perfect rhyming couplets
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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I loved this - but just when I think you are well into a real romance you 'chicken out' - I was singing Night and Day' after reading this. No good appealing to Frank - he aint around to help. Also he never had problems when it came to romance - Mr Casual. You brought a song in right at the end as well - 'I've Got You Under My Skin' - Sinatra's Songs for Swingin' Lovers. A clever piece and an enjoyable read in perfect Imbic thingy - sixteen syllables per line. Regards Dorothy ... Oh - also perfect rhyming couplets
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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Thank you so much, Dorothy. I really appreciate the sixer and the excellent points raised. :)
Comment from mauial
This is beautifully expressed with fantastic word pictures like: inhabiting the tune,Absorbing feelings penned by Porter and exhuming hope.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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This is beautifully expressed with fantastic word pictures like: inhabiting the tune,Absorbing feelings penned by Porter and exhuming hope.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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Al, thank you so much for the fantastic review, and the green cross to go along with it. I really appreciate it.
Comment from Joy Graham
I'm impressed with your use of 16 syllable lines. Not sure I'll be trying that anytime soon. I wish I had learned to dance when i was younger. I love the old songs, especially Nat King Cole. I enjoyed this one, my friend :) lovely imagery for me.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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I'm impressed with your use of 16 syllable lines. Not sure I'll be trying that anytime soon. I wish I had learned to dance when i was younger. I love the old songs, especially Nat King Cole. I enjoyed this one, my friend :) lovely imagery for me.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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Joy, it's really not as difficult as it seems, and I know you can do it if you want to. Thank you so much for the great review.
Comment from felsep
This is a wonderfully, flowing and vivid poem. Your rhyme scheme is excellant. I struggled with the fourth stanza. I feel that removing the "self" in self-conscience would smooth the rhythm of this great poem. However, everything else is so great that I selected a six star rating.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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This is a wonderfully, flowing and vivid poem. Your rhyme scheme is excellant. I struggled with the fourth stanza. I feel that removing the "self" in self-conscience would smooth the rhythm of this great poem. However, everything else is so great that I selected a six star rating.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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Thank you so much, felsep, for the generous gift of a six, and also for your kind words. Unfortunately, your suggestion would actually take it out of meter, as it would eliminate a metrical foot and short the line compared to the others. I appreciate your suggestion, however.
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You are very welcome. However, poetry is an emotional experience not a technical one. No one cares about a metrical foot. It is the smoothness of the words that makes a poem. I am not trying to discourage you. Quite the opposite. This site can give you a false sense of expertise if you only accept comments you like. I mean no disrespect.
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Not at all, and I know what you mean and appreciate your suggestion. I just disagree with it in this case.
Comment from robina1978
Excellent artwork from Lynkah that complements your poem so very well. I adore Frank Sinatra songs, so this beautiful poem as well. I hope you find her back:)
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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Excellent artwork from Lynkah that complements your poem so very well. I adore Frank Sinatra songs, so this beautiful poem as well. I hope you find her back:)
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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Thank you so much, Ine. I really appreciate it.
Comment from Norbanus
I'll not try to shadow this one
though my goal remains the same
learn to verse and have some fun
no hope completing in the game
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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I'll not try to shadow this one
though my goal remains the same
learn to verse and have some fun
no hope completing in the game
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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Feel free to, my friend, and thank you so much for the kind awarding of the sixer. I still love your poetic responses! David
Comment from CowboyToo
This is absolutely one of the best things I have read on this site. The rhyme is perfect, but that is only the framework. The story never skips a beat with some of the best lines I have read:
"cleaned the stratifying mortar of commitment-laden years."
"We found the kindred spark inherent in the dawn of second starts"
"But songs create a vast illusion, and the music had to fade,
Along with skin-enkindled fusion and the chemistry it made."
Now that's really good stuff. Bravo.
"
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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This is absolutely one of the best things I have read on this site. The rhyme is perfect, but that is only the framework. The story never skips a beat with some of the best lines I have read:
"cleaned the stratifying mortar of commitment-laden years."
"We found the kindred spark inherent in the dawn of second starts"
"But songs create a vast illusion, and the music had to fade,
Along with skin-enkindled fusion and the chemistry it made."
Now that's really good stuff. Bravo.
"
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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I'm so touched by your incredibly kind words, CowboyToo, and of course the ultimate compliment of a sixer. Many thanks for this. David
Comment from JB Lynn
An honest anthem of affection [framed in] "Night and Day".
-Forgive me if this spoils the rhythm you'd intentionally chose. I like the flow of it this way (could just be a personal preference of mine). Also, I believe the period should come after the quotation mark at the end of the line.
I held you closer, gamely trying to impersonate Astaire,
-Your word choice of "gamely" already had me smiling, imagining this was a bit of a comical attempt. This was a perfect setup for the following line. Great job of building a mood.
And let the Chairman answer [eliminate "for us"] with his baritone reply.
-Again, I think this helps your rhythm.
This ends on a beautiful, touching note at the end. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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An honest anthem of affection [framed in] "Night and Day".
-Forgive me if this spoils the rhythm you'd intentionally chose. I like the flow of it this way (could just be a personal preference of mine). Also, I believe the period should come after the quotation mark at the end of the line.
I held you closer, gamely trying to impersonate Astaire,
-Your word choice of "gamely" already had me smiling, imagining this was a bit of a comical attempt. This was a perfect setup for the following line. Great job of building a mood.
And let the Chairman answer [eliminate "for us"] with his baritone reply.
-Again, I think this helps your rhythm.
This ends on a beautiful, touching note at the end. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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Thanks so much, JB, for your wonderful review and suggestions. The only problem is that each suggestion would actually cut a metrical foot from the lines, and "for us" is actually one of the internal rhymes. I'll make that period change, and thank you for pointing it out.
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No problem at all. As I mentioned, specific forms of poetry aren't my strong suit, so I was aware that I might just be "reading" it incorrectly. And I missed that internal rhyme. I'm glad one of my suggestions was helpful. :)