Life, Love, and Other Disasters
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Broken Bird"A collection of poems on these themes
47 total reviews
Comment from Irish Rain
Very beautiful, should win this contest, love the broken bird, we can see ourselves in the bird, and in the captor, both rage against the cage bars, lovely....blessings....
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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Very beautiful, should win this contest, love the broken bird, we can see ourselves in the bird, and in the captor, both rage against the cage bars, lovely....blessings....
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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Thank you for the kind words.
Steve
Comment from johnwilson
This is an exceptional poem juxtaposing the bird's experience with the human one. I loved the entire piece. Everything works well here, the adjectives, similes and "love has no dominion over pain" how lovely!
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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This is an exceptional poem juxtaposing the bird's experience with the human one. I loved the entire piece. Everything works well here, the adjectives, similes and "love has no dominion over pain" how lovely!
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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Thank you for the kond words.
Steve
Comment from Ginger Banks
A truly deep sadness is in this poem I wonder does the reader have any hope left at all; but then I know where in the hope may be found, so it is good to look beyond the hurt the pain and anger to reach for the Comforter. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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A truly deep sadness is in this poem I wonder does the reader have any hope left at all; but then I know where in the hope may be found, so it is good to look beyond the hurt the pain and anger to reach for the Comforter. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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Thanks, Ginger.
You are right - it is a sad poem. Some people are doomed to live sad lives, so if you indeed have a Comforter, I'd advise hanging on.
Steve
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Yes, at least for a time, many people are "doomed" to lead sad lives. I will keep hold of my Comforter, actually it is He who keeps me in His folds. :)
Comment from humpwhistle
This is my idea of free verse. Some seem to think free means haphazard. Nothing haphazard here.
Lot's of poetic devices on display. But not in competition with your
genuine grief and your replication of more naïve sensibilities. Those are your Gladys Knight. The devices are your choreographed Pips.
Choreographed. Not free.
You leave some tantalizing specifics. Thrice-wounded, for instance.
I can't tell if this is fiction or autobiography. Either way,
you tell the story as though you feel it. I believe you do.
This is really good work, Steve.
Best of luck. (By the way, I got shut out of the What If contest. Seems I missed the memo about 'tone'.)
Peace, Lee
Wonderful use of a homonym: so far above the common herd
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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This is my idea of free verse. Some seem to think free means haphazard. Nothing haphazard here.
Lot's of poetic devices on display. But not in competition with your
genuine grief and your replication of more naïve sensibilities. Those are your Gladys Knight. The devices are your choreographed Pips.
Choreographed. Not free.
You leave some tantalizing specifics. Thrice-wounded, for instance.
I can't tell if this is fiction or autobiography. Either way,
you tell the story as though you feel it. I believe you do.
This is really good work, Steve.
Best of luck. (By the way, I got shut out of the What If contest. Seems I missed the memo about 'tone'.)
Peace, Lee
Wonderful use of a homonym: so far above the common herd
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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Lee, thanks for the thoughtful response. Yes, there is a bit (a lot?) of me in this one.
I didn't see anything about tone in your What If contest instructions... I see you got a mention, so it wasn't actually disqualified. Do you just feel it was the tine that didn't sit well, ir do you have an inside ear?
Steve
PS I loved the tone. The whole story was tone!
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No, no inside ear. Just a perceived observation. As if predetermined expectations carried some weight.
Probably just sour grapes on my part.
I have high expectations for you poem.
Comment from RoostyNester
Nice metaphor of a love with too much pain, that could not be contained. That had to be free! I liked the verses used and words used to describe your message to the reader. Very nice poem.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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Nice metaphor of a love with too much pain, that could not be contained. That had to be free! I liked the verses used and words used to describe your message to the reader. Very nice poem.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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Roosty, thanks for the warm words.
Steve
Comment from Taffspride
What images you conjure up with this entry for the contest Steve.
I first thought of the bird, but as I read the entire poem aloud again I had other thoughts. Of a lover or perhaps a parent trying to hold on, but in doing so only succeeded in losing the thing loved the most.
There were so many lines that really touched me. But it was the third stanza that truly stood out for me.
Thank you for sharing.
Iechyd da
Ann
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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What images you conjure up with this entry for the contest Steve.
I first thought of the bird, but as I read the entire poem aloud again I had other thoughts. Of a lover or perhaps a parent trying to hold on, but in doing so only succeeded in losing the thing loved the most.
There were so many lines that really touched me. But it was the third stanza that truly stood out for me.
Thank you for sharing.
Iechyd da
Ann
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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Ann, thanks so much for the kind words and the thoughtful response.
Yes, there is always something behind the surface meaning...
Steve
Comment from rama devi
Oh wow, what a powerful free verse, dear Steve. The extended metaphor is deftly explored. The voicing is emotionally resonant and intensely deep. The last two stanzas are utterly outstanding--insightful and eloquent and with fine alliteration too, especially of F and S:
But heavy fears
weighed down your skyward surge,
and tattered feathers flared in vain
to fight the errant gale.
You raged, you raged at fate
that promised flight,
then stole the means to fly.
Poor bird, your serenade became a dirge.
The near rhyme assonance/consonance between bird and dirge is wonderful too. I read that verse aloud thrice for those phonetics as well as for the dramatic impact of it. AWESOME
This is well voiced too and makes an excellent ending:
Oh, how we loved,
and hated;
loved again.
That's how it goes!
AWESOME LINES:
But love has no dominion over pain
inflicted young,
imprinted on the soul,
Sad but effective closing note:
the captor joins his wildling
in her cage.
While the second half is my favorite, I applaud quite a few lines from the first (and will not note all those phonetic poetic devices, as I know you know I noticed them).
Superb:
you touched my heart
in ways that brought the sun
a-dazzle on your silver-scarlet coat,
Well articulated:
And I was lost,
untutored then in life's unjust affairs,
for patient love had power, or so I thought,
to mend the shattered fragments
of the heart.
Richly nuanced work. Impressive.
Kudos. This one is sure to place in the contest.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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Oh wow, what a powerful free verse, dear Steve. The extended metaphor is deftly explored. The voicing is emotionally resonant and intensely deep. The last two stanzas are utterly outstanding--insightful and eloquent and with fine alliteration too, especially of F and S:
But heavy fears
weighed down your skyward surge,
and tattered feathers flared in vain
to fight the errant gale.
You raged, you raged at fate
that promised flight,
then stole the means to fly.
Poor bird, your serenade became a dirge.
The near rhyme assonance/consonance between bird and dirge is wonderful too. I read that verse aloud thrice for those phonetics as well as for the dramatic impact of it. AWESOME
This is well voiced too and makes an excellent ending:
Oh, how we loved,
and hated;
loved again.
That's how it goes!
AWESOME LINES:
But love has no dominion over pain
inflicted young,
imprinted on the soul,
Sad but effective closing note:
the captor joins his wildling
in her cage.
While the second half is my favorite, I applaud quite a few lines from the first (and will not note all those phonetic poetic devices, as I know you know I noticed them).
Superb:
you touched my heart
in ways that brought the sun
a-dazzle on your silver-scarlet coat,
Well articulated:
And I was lost,
untutored then in life's unjust affairs,
for patient love had power, or so I thought,
to mend the shattered fragments
of the heart.
Richly nuanced work. Impressive.
Kudos. This one is sure to place in the contest.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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Rama, many thanks, as always, for the comprehensive review and the six stars. As for winning, I seem to have lost the knack - no reward for a lit of hard work so far this year! Maybe this time.
Steve
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Good luck!
I almost never win site contests....only ROMS. :)
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I think perhaps you spend more time on your wonderful reviewing than you do on actually writing...
Anyway, you finished ahead of me in the last contest.
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Ah yes, I only write when my muse is in the mood (mostly poetry and essays). I do a lot of creative writing for others...as a ghostwriter and editor...and I am not ambitious about my 'own' writing right now. Want to continue sharpening my skills and will write more intensively when 'guided' to (spiritually) - which may not be for some years. I live a pretty alternative way, and getting fame or success in the world is not only not a priority for me, it's something I have an aversion to!
(as a nun in an ashram in India...)
Comment from Bollie
This is very well written and beautiful. Such exquisite poetry that makes the reader feel the existence of an untamed and unrequited love. REALLY REALLY GREAT JOB !!!
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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This is very well written and beautiful. Such exquisite poetry that makes the reader feel the existence of an untamed and unrequited love. REALLY REALLY GREAT JOB !!!
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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Thanks for the wonderful review.
Steve
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You'rd welcome Steve.
Have a wonderful night.
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You'rd welcome Steve.
Have a wonderful night.
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You'rd welcome Steve.
Have a wonderful night.
Comment from poetbear
great image.
Every line and word is perfection.
Use of poetic technique is excellent.
Reads and flows well.
It make sense and leaves you thinking.
Always a pleasure to read and review your work.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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great image.
Every line and word is perfection.
Use of poetic technique is excellent.
Reads and flows well.
It make sense and leaves you thinking.
Always a pleasure to read and review your work.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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Thank you for your very fine words and the Exceptional rating. I appreciate it.
Steve
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Hi Steve! Sure.
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Much deserved.
Comment from brenda bickers
Hi Steve.
We all read the same poem but each of us have different takes on it. This is striking and it could be interpreted to mean anything that can be supressed in life.
It is very dramatic and sad. I hope I have got your meaning right. Either way it is beautiful. Good luck in the contest.
Brenda:))x
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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Hi Steve.
We all read the same poem but each of us have different takes on it. This is striking and it could be interpreted to mean anything that can be supressed in life.
It is very dramatic and sad. I hope I have got your meaning right. Either way it is beautiful. Good luck in the contest.
Brenda:))x
Comment Written 17-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2016
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Thanks, Brenda.
I'm sure that's what poetry is all about - each reader brings his/her own experiences and feelings to the reading - dramatic and sad is right on the button.
Steve