Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Chapter 2 Part Two"Can love survive small town gossip?
70 total reviews
Comment from jmdg1954
I would leave this chapter, as it continues developing the relationship, slowly between Joe and Sara. You can always update/change/alter at a later time with further charector developments. Keep it going...
John
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
  |
I would leave this chapter, as it continues developing the relationship, slowly between Joe and Sara. You can always update/change/alter at a later time with further charector developments. Keep it going...
John
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from dportwood
barbara.wilkey,
Joe seems like a nice guy, maybe a little presumptive, but what would one expect of a one star general? Well done.
I noticed this item you may want to edit:
"You two look so much a like."
(You two look so much alike.")
Duane
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
|
barbara.wilkey,
Joe seems like a nice guy, maybe a little presumptive, but what would one expect of a one star general? Well done.
I noticed this item you may want to edit:
"You two look so much a like."
(You two look so much alike.")
Duane
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
-
Thank you for finding that. I took care of it. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Readywriter52
Joe has charmed both Sara and Cassie. He knows the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach. He's a good cook. There seems to be a relationship developing between Sara and Joe.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
|
Joe has charmed both Sara and Cassie. He knows the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach. He's a good cook. There seems to be a relationship developing between Sara and Joe.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from CKLA
This chapter works well. It shows us a little more about Cassie as she I teracts with Joe.
The chapter works and I think you have built great characters but now I am looking for the story to unfold.
Collette
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
|
This chapter works well. It shows us a little more about Cassie as she I teracts with Joe.
The chapter works and I think you have built great characters but now I am looking for the story to unfold.
Collette
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
Another excellent chapter. You can feel the relationship between Joe and Sara getting deeper. And Cassie's obviously going to be an important character. She's lucky not to have Sara's doubts and fears, although she might just not have expressed them yet.
For the most part, your picture is how I imagine Joe. The one part is that the guy doing push ups seems a bit young to be headed for the rank of general. He looks about thirty, and I imagine Joe to be about forty.
I have a couple of suggestions:
"Setting her BALL glove on the dining room table, she removed her BALL cap." I'd remove one of the "ball" words. In doing this, you could expand the other to "baseball." We already know she's really into the sport.
"I guess I [I'd] better answer your questions."
Dave
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
|
Barbara,
Another excellent chapter. You can feel the relationship between Joe and Sara getting deeper. And Cassie's obviously going to be an important character. She's lucky not to have Sara's doubts and fears, although she might just not have expressed them yet.
For the most part, your picture is how I imagine Joe. The one part is that the guy doing push ups seems a bit young to be headed for the rank of general. He looks about thirty, and I imagine Joe to be about forty.
I have a couple of suggestions:
"Setting her BALL glove on the dining room table, she removed her BALL cap." I'd remove one of the "ball" words. In doing this, you could expand the other to "baseball." We already know she's really into the sport.
"I guess I [I'd] better answer your questions."
Dave
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
-
I made those corrections. Thank you for your kind review and continued support. I appreciate both.
Comment from Ted T
H Barbara :)
Good chapter and better dialogue A tiny bit "school-girlish" with Sara, but acceptable.
Joe comments on Cassie's freckles, dimples and eyes again. He did that in chapter one.
I don't think Joe would tell a child all the things he did about his work as a special agent. If he couldn't tell them where he was out of the country it wouldn't have been brought up. Especially to someone he hasn't seen in fifteen years. Unless that information plays into your story, it shouldn't be used.
Good work.
Ted
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
|
H Barbara :)
Good chapter and better dialogue A tiny bit "school-girlish" with Sara, but acceptable.
Joe comments on Cassie's freckles, dimples and eyes again. He did that in chapter one.
I don't think Joe would tell a child all the things he did about his work as a special agent. If he couldn't tell them where he was out of the country it wouldn't have been brought up. Especially to someone he hasn't seen in fifteen years. Unless that information plays into your story, it shouldn't be used.
Good work.
Ted
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
-
It will be needed in the future. I thought I took the part our about Cassies eyes. I will double check. Thank you for your review.
-
Okay :)
-
I had taken one out, and had forgotten that one. They are both out now.
-
Good.
-
Got it.
Comment from animatqua
I have been following this story as posted chapters catch my eye. I'm finding a lot of clean, technically well done writing throughout. The story line is well established from the beginning, with good empathetic undertones. The characters caught my interest from the beginning and are holding it as the chapters develop.
The major problem I am having with the story at this point is there seems to be a lot of `so what' kinds of information being written in. That is, information that does nothing to propel the story line or the character development. It isn't of any particular interest to the reader, either.
I check myself when I start skipping over parts of a story to see why I'm not reading them. I am not reading these because I've lost interest part way through the writing. The segment on asking questions is an example of this.
A story like this does not need fireworks going off every chapter. It does need relevence in the elements that go into it.
You write well. You are obviously organized in the way you put a story together. It might be helpful to go back over what you have written and ask yourself: What does this do for the story? Is it necessary to effect the elements of the story?
If the answer is no, you probably want to cut that part out completely.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
 |
I have been following this story as posted chapters catch my eye. I'm finding a lot of clean, technically well done writing throughout. The story line is well established from the beginning, with good empathetic undertones. The characters caught my interest from the beginning and are holding it as the chapters develop.
The major problem I am having with the story at this point is there seems to be a lot of `so what' kinds of information being written in. That is, information that does nothing to propel the story line or the character development. It isn't of any particular interest to the reader, either.
I check myself when I start skipping over parts of a story to see why I'm not reading them. I am not reading these because I've lost interest part way through the writing. The segment on asking questions is an example of this.
A story like this does not need fireworks going off every chapter. It does need relevence in the elements that go into it.
You write well. You are obviously organized in the way you put a story together. It might be helpful to go back over what you have written and ask yourself: What does this do for the story? Is it necessary to effect the elements of the story?
If the answer is no, you probably want to cut that part out completely.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
-
Thank you for your review.
Comment from L.lora
Barbara this chapter is
perfect and definitely works.
It truly helps to cement a
growing relationship between
Joe and Sally and adorable
Cassie. It also endears your
characters to the reader while
your lines flow smoothly and
your descriptions blended with
your dialogues lure us through
your lines from first strophe
to last. no nits or spags. Lora
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
|
Barbara this chapter is
perfect and definitely works.
It truly helps to cement a
growing relationship between
Joe and Sally and adorable
Cassie. It also endears your
characters to the reader while
your lines flow smoothly and
your descriptions blended with
your dialogues lure us through
your lines from first strophe
to last. no nits or spags. Lora
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your continued support.
Comment from vandawalker
This chapter has a nice interchange between the three characters. More info is coming out about each one. The jealousy reaction is a leading one. This guy does seem too perfect though. Doesn't he have any flaws..bites his nails or something? Good writing.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
|
This chapter has a nice interchange between the three characters. More info is coming out about each one. The jealousy reaction is a leading one. This guy does seem too perfect though. Doesn't he have any flaws..bites his nails or something? Good writing.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
-
The flaws will come out as we continue. He does have flaws, a temper. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from idnami
I think this is a nice interaction for Joe and Cassie and helps the relationship between Joe and Sara unfold. Her bugging him about being a secret agent is cute. I'd keep this one.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
|
I think this is a nice interaction for Joe and Cassie and helps the relationship between Joe and Sara unfold. Her bugging him about being a secret agent is cute. I'd keep this one.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.