Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 50 "part one, Chapter 16"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
81 total reviews
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Barbara,
Hmmm, so that husband of hers has obviously decided to up the ante and the harassment - or is the scumbag lying in wait ... she better watch out.
Nicely written, I did spot a stray " -
"We better hurry." Anna took a bite of her sandwich.(")
And I noticed that about four lines earlier you used the same words ...she took a bit of her sandwich. Perhaps one of them could be changed to "She swallowed her mouthful of sandwich and ..."
Patrick
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
  |
Hi Barbara,
Hmmm, so that husband of hers has obviously decided to up the ante and the harassment - or is the scumbag lying in wait ... she better watch out.
Nicely written, I did spot a stray " -
"We better hurry." Anna took a bite of her sandwich.(")
And I noticed that about four lines earlier you used the same words ...she took a bit of her sandwich. Perhaps one of them could be changed to "She swallowed her mouthful of sandwich and ..."
Patrick
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
-
I will make that change thank you for the eagle eye.
Comment from bkbehera
The writer has nicely expressed the state of mind of a young lady being shocked after a abusive marriage. Some how she mate a person, luckily, with whom she wanted to share her bitter experience and relax, however, it did not click. The author has made interesting to the reader by keeping continuity in flow of facts in an interesting manner. It is impressive.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
|
The writer has nicely expressed the state of mind of a young lady being shocked after a abusive marriage. Some how she mate a person, luckily, with whom she wanted to share her bitter experience and relax, however, it did not click. The author has made interesting to the reader by keeping continuity in flow of facts in an interesting manner. It is impressive.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from robyn corum
A good story. I thought you told it well. I like that dialogue carried much of it. I did think the thoughts in the last paragraph could be shortened or left off. Some of it was implied. Thanks!
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
|
A good story. I thought you told it well. I like that dialogue carried much of it. I did think the thoughts in the last paragraph could be shortened or left off. Some of it was implied. Thanks!
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Chris Davis
A nicely written piece that touches on a very serious subject. The cliff hanger at the end served to leave me wanting more, always a place you want a reader left to keep them interested and engaged. Nicely done. Thank you for posting.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
|
A nicely written piece that touches on a very serious subject. The cliff hanger at the end served to leave me wanting more, always a place you want a reader left to keep them interested and engaged. Nicely done. Thank you for posting.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for the kind review.
-
You're welcome!
Comment from fionageorge
Another good chapter, with good use of dialogue, and a realistic and honest scenario.
I provide you with two small observations:
"Your lunch date is waiting." (It is not clear who said this) I assume it was Ginger, and that She (following sentence) is Anna. She turned toward the man, sitting by the door and grinned.
for clarity I suggest:
"Your lunch date is waiting," Ginger said. Anna turned toward the man,(remove comma) sitting by the door and grinned.
The sun had just set as Anna walked to her car. "What?" She bent over to get a closer look at her back tire. "It's flat! I wonder how that happened."
I don't really think anyone would say, "I wonder how that happened." I would imagine if Anna found her tyre flat she would say something like, "Damn, I have a flat tire!" no more no less. I am sure as this part of the story unfolds it will probably become clear how it happened.
Of course, these are only suggestions, and overall, an excellent chapter.
Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
|
Another good chapter, with good use of dialogue, and a realistic and honest scenario.
I provide you with two small observations:
"Your lunch date is waiting." (It is not clear who said this) I assume it was Ginger, and that She (following sentence) is Anna. She turned toward the man, sitting by the door and grinned.
for clarity I suggest:
"Your lunch date is waiting," Ginger said. Anna turned toward the man,(remove comma) sitting by the door and grinned.
The sun had just set as Anna walked to her car. "What?" She bent over to get a closer look at her back tire. "It's flat! I wonder how that happened."
I don't really think anyone would say, "I wonder how that happened." I would imagine if Anna found her tyre flat she would say something like, "Damn, I have a flat tire!" no more no less. I am sure as this part of the story unfolds it will probably become clear how it happened.
Of course, these are only suggestions, and overall, an excellent chapter.
Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2012
-
I will check out those areas. Thank you.
Comment from missy98writer
Barbara,
Ooh, you left us hanging. What is in the note left on her car window. You've once again provided a fabulously written chapter. The art work is stunning your hubby did. Chapter sixty has excellent word structure and great dialogue. I like the banter between Anna and Troy. I bet her ex is the reason Anna's being stalked, unless it has something to do with someone stalking Troy that has nothing to do with Anna's abusive ex or his crazy mother. I so look forward to reading your very next chapter because you have me on the edge of my set. I'd recommend you wonderful chapter to other reviewers. It was a pleasure to have read and written a review for your latest chapter in your story. I hope you have a blessed week, my teacher writer friend...Melissa.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
|
Barbara,
Ooh, you left us hanging. What is in the note left on her car window. You've once again provided a fabulously written chapter. The art work is stunning your hubby did. Chapter sixty has excellent word structure and great dialogue. I like the banter between Anna and Troy. I bet her ex is the reason Anna's being stalked, unless it has something to do with someone stalking Troy that has nothing to do with Anna's abusive ex or his crazy mother. I so look forward to reading your very next chapter because you have me on the edge of my set. I'd recommend you wonderful chapter to other reviewers. It was a pleasure to have read and written a review for your latest chapter in your story. I hope you have a blessed week, my teacher writer friend...Melissa.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from R. J. Stewart
You paint a seering protrait of a woman in desperate need of self-validation with abuse, that she's not alone in her struggle. Many forms of abuse never go checked because people either think they're normal or don't tell anyone. I like the simplicity of this chapter.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
|
You paint a seering protrait of a woman in desperate need of self-validation with abuse, that she's not alone in her struggle. Many forms of abuse never go checked because people either think they're normal or don't tell anyone. I like the simplicity of this chapter.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from rashi kumar
It is really important to be hopeful and never give up.
The lady shows immense courage and patience in dealing with the situation, with the little one in her hands.
The sufferings she undergoes can break any one.
Very well-written!
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
|
It is really important to be hopeful and never give up.
The lady shows immense courage and patience in dealing with the situation, with the little one in her hands.
The sufferings she undergoes can break any one.
Very well-written!
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
barbara:
I imagine the person who left the flat tire wanted to
also leave a little note saying it could have been
something a little worse had they chosen to do so -- I
was stalked for a while in college and sometimes found
things inside my car even when I knew it was locked
when I last left it. It's not a good feeling. Poor Anna.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
|
barbara:
I imagine the person who left the flat tire wanted to
also leave a little note saying it could have been
something a little worse had they chosen to do so -- I
was stalked for a while in college and sometimes found
things inside my car even when I knew it was locked
when I last left it. It's not a good feeling. Poor Anna.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Chris Tee
This is another absolutely marvelous part you have written here for us Barbara old sport.
Well done indeed with this excellent work we have here ma'am.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
|
This is another absolutely marvelous part you have written here for us Barbara old sport.
Well done indeed with this excellent work we have here ma'am.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for the kind review.