Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "A Hota Moon, Part 1"Murder Mystery
51 total reviews
Comment from Anisa-
Whoa!!! That's a good twist. A secret that'll go with her to the grave. Talk about a hanger. Great job, Bev.
You paint such a great picture of the little old lady, Dot. So detailed with her pressing her fingers into her mouth to cover a smile. It really brought her to life.
Looking forward to the next!
Anisa
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Whoa!!! That's a good twist. A secret that'll go with her to the grave. Talk about a hanger. Great job, Bev.
You paint such a great picture of the little old lady, Dot. So detailed with her pressing her fingers into her mouth to cover a smile. It really brought her to life.
Looking forward to the next!
Anisa
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thanks so much, Anisa. I really appreciate you taking time to read my chapter. Thanks for the generous review and support, my friend. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Gungalo
Great beginning girl. I hope this one is as active as the last.Though your start is off and running with a little ol' hunchback!!
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Great beginning girl. I hope this one is as active as the last.Though your start is off and running with a little ol' hunchback!!
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thanks, Gungalo. I actually had an aunt with a buffalo hump, it was rather creepy to a young girl, now I just feel sorry for her. I really appreciate the great review! Xxx Bev
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Sigh ...
Comment from ScarletClearwater
I like the way you describe Jana. Makes it realistic to give her such personality. Great job with your descriptives and adjectives. Awesome!
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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I like the way you describe Jana. Makes it realistic to give her such personality. Great job with your descriptives and adjectives. Awesome!
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thank you so much, Scarlet. I really appreciate your awesome review and support! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from bookishfabler
Wonderful chapter. I was delighted to read it. I found a few little nits, but, nothing major. Your characters shine, and your decriptions are superb.
Around her neck was a whistle, and in her arms was an obese tabby which, undoubtedly, added heft to the pull of gravity. ( would try to get rid of at least one "was", perhaps, in her arms lay an obese tabby?
Delilah's squeezy toy
squeezy or squeaky?
severed the connection of (the) living room and hallway
Tendrils of a one-sided conversation floated in from the kitchen and then there was a silence broken only by the chink of colliding crockery. When the old lady returned, she had a tray with two black mugs imprinted with 'Don't Whine' in gold and a plate covered by a checkered napkin
(Such clear and lovely details. Brings the picture to life)
hugs Heidi
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Wonderful chapter. I was delighted to read it. I found a few little nits, but, nothing major. Your characters shine, and your decriptions are superb.
Around her neck was a whistle, and in her arms was an obese tabby which, undoubtedly, added heft to the pull of gravity. ( would try to get rid of at least one "was", perhaps, in her arms lay an obese tabby?
Delilah's squeezy toy
squeezy or squeaky?
severed the connection of (the) living room and hallway
Tendrils of a one-sided conversation floated in from the kitchen and then there was a silence broken only by the chink of colliding crockery. When the old lady returned, she had a tray with two black mugs imprinted with 'Don't Whine' in gold and a plate covered by a checkered napkin
(Such clear and lovely details. Brings the picture to life)
hugs Heidi
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Hello, Heidi! Thanks for this super-helpful and generous reviews. I think your suggestions are excellent and have edited accordingly. It's so nice of you to take time to really read the piece and offer such valuable advice. I really appreciate the support, my friend. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Rob Caudle
Good morning, Bev, nice read this morning. You us leave with the page turner, of course we want to find out what old Dot was talking about, maybe just hanging on to the conversation. I think you have done a good Job of creating Dot here she serves her purpose well and if she comes to some harm later we like her just enough to be sympathetic. Janas character remains strong and true to the Jana in previous chapters. I liked some of the "copizms" thought they were pulled of well. One line I liked, that may have gone unnoticed by others, but I really liked on a couple of levels { punted pine cone} I thought the idea of punting pine cones was very telling of Janas frustration plus I liked the alliteration.
Rob
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Good morning, Bev, nice read this morning. You us leave with the page turner, of course we want to find out what old Dot was talking about, maybe just hanging on to the conversation. I think you have done a good Job of creating Dot here she serves her purpose well and if she comes to some harm later we like her just enough to be sympathetic. Janas character remains strong and true to the Jana in previous chapters. I liked some of the "copizms" thought they were pulled of well. One line I liked, that may have gone unnoticed by others, but I really liked on a couple of levels { punted pine cone} I thought the idea of punting pine cones was very telling of Janas frustration plus I liked the alliteration.
Rob
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Hi, Rob. Thanks, my friend, for your generous and super-helpful review. It's nice to know that Dot has left a strong impression with readers so far. I'm working on building my character development skills, so I admit to indluging a bit in this chapter. Time to find out what killed Debra - but not quite time for who! I so appreciate your support, Rob. You're awesome! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from judiverse
This is a suspenseful chapter. I like the characterization of Jama, who seems very good at her job. You also give an excellent description of the interviewee, Dot Minski. She seems to crave her moment in the spotlight and wants to drag out her information. Very suspenseful to leave off at the point when Dot reveals that Debra has some kind of secret she's carrying around but she didn't tell Dot what it was. Great use of language and some very colorful figures of speech, such as "like a miner pulling gold from a soup of sludge." Great work. judi
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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This is a suspenseful chapter. I like the characterization of Jama, who seems very good at her job. You also give an excellent description of the interviewee, Dot Minski. She seems to crave her moment in the spotlight and wants to drag out her information. Very suspenseful to leave off at the point when Dot reveals that Debra has some kind of secret she's carrying around but she didn't tell Dot what it was. Great use of language and some very colorful figures of speech, such as "like a miner pulling gold from a soup of sludge." Great work. judi
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thanks so much, judi. I absolutely love this review. You're provided me with excellent feed-back on my characterization of Dot (I indulged just a bit with this character). I've been trying to expand my skills in that area - so it's especially gratifying to read your insights. You've brought a smile to my face, my friend. Love ya, Bev
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You're so welcome. Often when you watch a mystery on TV, they do have interesting characters that are overblown, so I don't think you were out of bounds with your characterization of Dot. judi
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Thanks for that, judi. I appreciate your kindness. Xx Bev
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You're welcome! judi
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Now this was an exceptional chapter to read.
I'm still caught up in your plot and the questions are flying around in my head.
Great flow and imagery as always. Your characters have great depth and seem real to me.
This was another well penned post. Now you have me wondering what the heck was the secret she took to her grave.....
My favourites:
"The detective's bullshit barometer told her Dot's information was legitimate and, at the moment, their only real clue" // Loved the "bullshit barometer"..LOL
""I don't recall seeing anything out of the ordinary, Detective. And it's very upsetting to think a murderer could blend in so well without anyone the wiser. Makes you wonder if it wasn't an inside job?""// An inside job.....
Oh boy I thought of that too, thus flying questions in my head.
Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed the mystery and strangeness within this story.
Maureen
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Now this was an exceptional chapter to read.
I'm still caught up in your plot and the questions are flying around in my head.
Great flow and imagery as always. Your characters have great depth and seem real to me.
This was another well penned post. Now you have me wondering what the heck was the secret she took to her grave.....
My favourites:
"The detective's bullshit barometer told her Dot's information was legitimate and, at the moment, their only real clue" // Loved the "bullshit barometer"..LOL
""I don't recall seeing anything out of the ordinary, Detective. And it's very upsetting to think a murderer could blend in so well without anyone the wiser. Makes you wonder if it wasn't an inside job?""// An inside job.....
Oh boy I thought of that too, thus flying questions in my head.
Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed the mystery and strangeness within this story.
Maureen
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thanks so very much, Maureen. I'm honored with your extremely generous and supportive review given the depths of your own amazing talent. It's always good to know what works for a reader, and you've, very kindly, given some good insights into that. This story is strange - I'm glad that you mentioned that. It's a bit of flavoring for a genre that can be formulaic. Thanks again, Maureen, for all your support. Love, Bev
Comment from Joan E.
Thanks for your summary at the beginning and definition of Hota. I liked your contrast between "wicked high" and "virus of fear" to pull the reader into the story in the opening paragraph. Dot's odd characteristics will be hard to forget! Your vivid descriptions and realistic dialog move the tale along very well. -Joan
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thanks for your summary at the beginning and definition of Hota. I liked your contrast between "wicked high" and "virus of fear" to pull the reader into the story in the opening paragraph. Dot's odd characteristics will be hard to forget! Your vivid descriptions and realistic dialog move the tale along very well. -Joan
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thanks, Joan. I so appreciate your taking time to read my chapter. I'm working on developing my character-building skills, so your words are especially appreciated. Thanks for your generosity, my friend! Hugs, Bev
Comment from c_lucas
It is the natural tendancy of an old person to extend any conversation for the want of attention. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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It is the natural tendancy of an old person to extend any conversation for the want of attention. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Yes, it is, charlie. But sometimes such a tendency can lead to harm. Thanks for your generous review, as always. Bev
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You're welcome, Bev. Charlie
Comment from AprilShower
This is well written, my friend. Don't know if we have become any closer to who has done this murder unless like Dot said it could be an inside job. I'm anxious to read more. :o) April
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reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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This is well written, my friend. Don't know if we have become any closer to who has done this murder unless like Dot said it could be an inside job. I'm anxious to read more. :o) April
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Hi, April. Dot's provided a clue within a clue, but it's not going to be clear for a bit of a while, yet. Thanks for the interest, support and generosity, April. Much appreciate it! Xxx Bev