Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 71 "part two, Chapter 21"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
75 total reviews
Comment from jjstar
Yeah! The part I've been waiting for! I think you've done really well portraying the environment when people are trying to shelter you and "not do anything" to upset the patient. The hushed conversations, the glances. You've captured well Anna's feelings of being left out or innately knowing that there were things that they were whispering about. It was very well done. I just had one little thought...
"A male voice screamed and emphasized every word with blows
I'm trying to see Anna saying that to Troy and it's just niggling...just the emphasized every word with blows..I might try to find another word that seems more natural..or say something like, "he made another point with every blow."--I don't know
Anyway, excellent job!
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Yeah! The part I've been waiting for! I think you've done really well portraying the environment when people are trying to shelter you and "not do anything" to upset the patient. The hushed conversations, the glances. You've captured well Anna's feelings of being left out or innately knowing that there were things that they were whispering about. It was very well done. I just had one little thought...
"A male voice screamed and emphasized every word with blows
I'm trying to see Anna saying that to Troy and it's just niggling...just the emphasized every word with blows..I might try to find another word that seems more natural..or say something like, "he made another point with every blow."--I don't know
Anyway, excellent job!
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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I will fix that area, thank you.
Comment from RaymondJohn
Troy laid Anna on the couch--lay, unless you meant the other meaning for laid. The gunshot is an unexpected element of the story. Do you have a dream-catcher? They are fantastic. Best wishes. Ray.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Troy laid Anna on the couch--lay, unless you meant the other meaning for laid. The gunshot is an unexpected element of the story. Do you have a dream-catcher? They are fantastic. Best wishes. Ray.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Yes, dream-catchers are wonderful. I will get that fixed. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Tonulak
Dear Barbra,
This was a heart wrenching chapter. In the opening i would add "behind her head" when Troy was adjusting pillows. Now it sounds like he's doing it independent of her. This was very moving the rest of the way, especially the second part when Anna goes through her recolections--Ted
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Dear Barbra,
This was a heart wrenching chapter. In the opening i would add "behind her head" when Troy was adjusting pillows. Now it sounds like he's doing it independent of her. This was very moving the rest of the way, especially the second part when Anna goes through her recolections--Ted
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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I will add that. I am getting skirmish about putting too much in. I have a reviewer who docks me for putting too much information in, she says it's understood. Thank you for the review.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
After all the hurt, the pain
and sadness, this was kind of
soothing... with Troy beside Anna
to catch her dreams.. he's such a romantic.
I'll lay - I'll lie
Most enjoyable, Barbara.
Margaret
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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After all the hurt, the pain
and sadness, this was kind of
soothing... with Troy beside Anna
to catch her dreams.. he's such a romantic.
I'll lay - I'll lie
Most enjoyable, Barbara.
Margaret
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Barbara ...
The "happy ending" of a very sad story has now arrived.
I enjoyed reading this chapter and there are just a few small changes to recommend ...
* You have - toward Paul, who still visited with Everett.
I think you mean - towards Paul, who was still talking to Everett.
* You have - Her tear filled eyes met his ... I suggest -
Her tear-filled eyes ....
* You have - I'll lay beside you ... this should be -
I'll lie beside you ...
Thank you for sharing this story with us.
Love from .... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Hullo Barbara ...
The "happy ending" of a very sad story has now arrived.
I enjoyed reading this chapter and there are just a few small changes to recommend ...
* You have - toward Paul, who still visited with Everett.
I think you mean - towards Paul, who was still talking to Everett.
* You have - Her tear filled eyes met his ... I suggest -
Her tear-filled eyes ....
* You have - I'll lay beside you ... this should be -
I'll lie beside you ...
Thank you for sharing this story with us.
Love from .... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review and suggestions.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Beautiful pacing in this chapter, Barbara. You left Anna to make her discoveries in a natural way which is in keeping with your sympathetic writing of this character. And I really love your closing line! Great job. Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Beautiful pacing in this chapter, Barbara. You left Anna to make her discoveries in a natural way which is in keeping with your sympathetic writing of this character. And I really love your closing line! Great job. Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
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You're welcome, barbara.
Comment from Anthony Crosbie
This is the first chapter I've read so obviously the story is lost but what I can say is this is really well written. It flows well and the dialog is natural and enjoyable. This mixed with mystery means a very enjoyable read. Archie
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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This is the first chapter I've read so obviously the story is lost but what I can say is this is really well written. It flows well and the dialog is natural and enjoyable. This mixed with mystery means a very enjoyable read. Archie
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Barbara. Seems that Anna is starting to remember things. This is interesting as all your chapters are. I'm even surprised this is already the 71st 'installment' of your story...:)
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Hi, Barbara. Seems that Anna is starting to remember things. This is interesting as all your chapters are. I'm even surprised this is already the 71st 'installment' of your story...:)
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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It is the end of Chapter 21. I posted the chapters in parts because they are too long to post whole. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from lnoreika
Great job! There must be a sequel if you are almost done with this book. It seems I am just understanding the beginning of a new love relationship with Troy and Anna.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Great job! There must be a sequel if you are almost done with this book. It seems I am just understanding the beginning of a new love relationship with Troy and Anna.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Chris Tee
Wow Barbara this pert is another excellent write that we have here.
I am glad she is beginning to remember. This was another pleasurable read. Well done indeed.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Wow Barbara this pert is another excellent write that we have here.
I am glad she is beginning to remember. This was another pleasurable read. Well done indeed.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.