Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "ILAKA MOON"Murder Mystery
55 total reviews
Comment from The Winter Bard
I liked this chapter. It seemed to tantalize with hints of the supernatural, had enough suspense and atmosphere to keep you nailed to the page. Great work all around. Is Marsha the main character of this story?
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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I liked this chapter. It seemed to tantalize with hints of the supernatural, had enough suspense and atmosphere to keep you nailed to the page. Great work all around. Is Marsha the main character of this story?
Comment Written 04-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Thank you, Aiserak. I sure appreciate you taking time to read and review my chapter. Very generous of you.
Marsha is being introduced in this chapter. The female detective, Jana Burke (not featured in this chapter) is the primary female character.
Kind regards, Bev
Comment from Dawn Munro
Yikes! This guy MUST BE THE KILLER! Yowza, he's scary, even if he's not the killer - did he leave? Was that him in the orange Datsun? Must have been - it was right outside the window and he was no longer in the doorway. And mother has a rose quartz rosary. Circumstantial until it is examined by a professional, but still...highly suspicious! This chapter is incredibly entertaining again! The only complaint I have is that you aren't writing it fast enough! I want more, right now, damn it! :) Superb, Barb. (Still no darn sixes yet!!!)
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Yikes! This guy MUST BE THE KILLER! Yowza, he's scary, even if he's not the killer - did he leave? Was that him in the orange Datsun? Must have been - it was right outside the window and he was no longer in the doorway. And mother has a rose quartz rosary. Circumstantial until it is examined by a professional, but still...highly suspicious! This chapter is incredibly entertaining again! The only complaint I have is that you aren't writing it fast enough! I want more, right now, damn it! :) Superb, Barb. (Still no darn sixes yet!!!)
Comment Written 04-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Dawn, thank you so much for this awesome review. I really appreciate your insights into the chapter. Believe it or not, Eddie is going to get even creepier.
Thanks so much! It means a lot to me that you're still on board.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from barkingdog
Great. Marsha just met the killer. Or so you want us to think. Eddie is involved for sure. Your description of him and his young skin over old bones and his dark dead eyes gave me the chills. And then he talked about drinking blood to be invincible. A vampire?
From the very beginning with no info on the son from the other two nurses, the description of the house(bad roof, over grown, not maintained) to the lack of care for Gertrude made this entire scene ominous. I wanted her to get out of there ASAP.
You started this with a bit of a laugh about menopause--she'd worked up more sweat during menopause than she ever had in the bedroom--but took it quickly to tense horror( supernatural instincts, terrified elderly, car break ins, difficulty reaching the door, the son, on and on.)It continued to mount. When she sat in that horrible stench and took the old woman's hand, the atmosphere felt so heavy. Then the clincher: Gertrude has the rose quartz rosary.
My mouth is still hanging open! Bravo! I know exclamation points are BAD but I don't care. This was a triple sixer!!!!!!!!
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Great. Marsha just met the killer. Or so you want us to think. Eddie is involved for sure. Your description of him and his young skin over old bones and his dark dead eyes gave me the chills. And then he talked about drinking blood to be invincible. A vampire?
From the very beginning with no info on the son from the other two nurses, the description of the house(bad roof, over grown, not maintained) to the lack of care for Gertrude made this entire scene ominous. I wanted her to get out of there ASAP.
You started this with a bit of a laugh about menopause--she'd worked up more sweat during menopause than she ever had in the bedroom--but took it quickly to tense horror( supernatural instincts, terrified elderly, car break ins, difficulty reaching the door, the son, on and on.)It continued to mount. When she sat in that horrible stench and took the old woman's hand, the atmosphere felt so heavy. Then the clincher: Gertrude has the rose quartz rosary.
My mouth is still hanging open! Bravo! I know exclamation points are BAD but I don't care. This was a triple sixer!!!!!!!!
Comment Written 04-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Hi, Ellen. I hope you are doing well. I've been thinking about you and wondering if you're working on another chapter.
Thank you so much for this awesome review. It means so much that the mistress of horror likes this!! That's how I think of you, anyway.
I so appreciate your generosity and encouragement, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Holy crap, oh boy maybe I shouldn't say that? Yikes.
This was a spooky read, and he is just plain creepy. I thought for sure Marsha was a dead one. How she stayed beats me, I'd have clocked him one and ran like hell.:)
Ok great chapter and the intense emotion/creepiness was darn high. What fabulous writing this is to have so much of me on alert hoping he doesn't come through my door.
Excellent and can't wait for the next post. Sure glad I read this in the day time.I am also very glad I have big short term memory, so what goes in comes right back out, including the scary stuff.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Holy crap, oh boy maybe I shouldn't say that? Yikes.
This was a spooky read, and he is just plain creepy. I thought for sure Marsha was a dead one. How she stayed beats me, I'd have clocked him one and ran like hell.:)
Ok great chapter and the intense emotion/creepiness was darn high. What fabulous writing this is to have so much of me on alert hoping he doesn't come through my door.
Excellent and can't wait for the next post. Sure glad I read this in the day time.I am also very glad I have big short term memory, so what goes in comes right back out, including the scary stuff.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Comment Written 04-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Hi, Maureen. Gosh, thanks so much for this awesome review. I really appreciate you reading despite the high creep factor LOL!! You are always so generous and supportive, my friend. I thank you for that!
Love, Bev
Comment from judiverse
You begin with a great description of Marsha Nugent. Great description about her biological clock has already spring its springs. She seems very independent and dedicated, and nothing gets past her. Hope that doesn't mean she's going to end up dead. You do a great job of giving warnings about Gertrude's creeps-inducing son Eddie. Marsha quickly sizes up Eddie's anti-social tendencies. Then there's the spine-tingling moment when Gertrude asks for her rosary, and low and behold, it's the prettiest one Eddie's ever given her--from a special lady before she died. Great chapter. judi
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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You begin with a great description of Marsha Nugent. Great description about her biological clock has already spring its springs. She seems very independent and dedicated, and nothing gets past her. Hope that doesn't mean she's going to end up dead. You do a great job of giving warnings about Gertrude's creeps-inducing son Eddie. Marsha quickly sizes up Eddie's anti-social tendencies. Then there's the spine-tingling moment when Gertrude asks for her rosary, and low and behold, it's the prettiest one Eddie's ever given her--from a special lady before she died. Great chapter. judi
Comment Written 04-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Hi, Judi. Thank you ever so much for this great review, my friend. I really appreciate you following my story so faithfully. Your generosity is most heartening. Hugs, Bev
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You're so welcome, Bev. You know how to keep the suspense coming. judi
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Thank you, judi!
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You're so welcome. judi
Comment from jjstar
I think this is my favorite chapter! I love the addition of Scary Eddy and the poor patient. Hmmmm..what's up with all the rosaries?? Superb job, Bev!
sweat during menopause than she ever had in the bedroom.==laughing out loud!
the area had experienced a surge in car invasions. ==that's not a good sign!
She blocked the warning bells in her brain i==good!
His malicious smile turned her blood to ice.
"Suit yourself."==this is sounding very bad for Marsha..ouch!
She stared up at the nurse like a baby bird from the bottom of the nest.==what a superb simile!
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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I think this is my favorite chapter! I love the addition of Scary Eddy and the poor patient. Hmmmm..what's up with all the rosaries?? Superb job, Bev!
sweat during menopause than she ever had in the bedroom.==laughing out loud!
the area had experienced a surge in car invasions. ==that's not a good sign!
She blocked the warning bells in her brain i==good!
His malicious smile turned her blood to ice.
"Suit yourself."==this is sounding very bad for Marsha..ouch!
She stared up at the nurse like a baby bird from the bottom of the nest.==what a superb simile!
Comment Written 04-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Hi, jj. What a generous and supportive review, my friend. I really appreciate all the time you took to let me know what you liked about this chapter. I think it's one of my favorites, too LOL. I cannot thank you enough for continuing to follow along. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Shirley McLain
You certainly made this chapter feel creepy. It's full of contrasts between the strong willed nurse nad the invalid mother. Then there is weird Eddy. I don't know what to make of him yet but the chapter left me thinking he was a murderer. Great job.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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You certainly made this chapter feel creepy. It's full of contrasts between the strong willed nurse nad the invalid mother. Then there is weird Eddy. I don't know what to make of him yet but the chapter left me thinking he was a murderer. Great job.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Hi Shirley. Thank you so much for this awesome review. I am very appreciative of your following along with my novel. Hugs, Bev
Comment from EMB
Hmm. So is Eddie a psychic or what? I'm coming in the middle of this piece, so I don't know.
Anyway, you handle narration and dialogue with masterful skill. No surprise there. This was definitely an engaging read. I say this because I actually read every word, something I don't do unless engaged. And I shouldn't have to see other chapters to be engaged in this one.
Some notes:
I can't get them to tell me what's going, either.(Check wording.)
...willingness to follow-through with their recommendations. ("follow through")
Jackie, the second case-nurse("second-case nurse")
Otherwise, excellent work, Bev.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Hmm. So is Eddie a psychic or what? I'm coming in the middle of this piece, so I don't know.
Anyway, you handle narration and dialogue with masterful skill. No surprise there. This was definitely an engaging read. I say this because I actually read every word, something I don't do unless engaged. And I shouldn't have to see other chapters to be engaged in this one.
Some notes:
I can't get them to tell me what's going, either.(Check wording.)
...willingness to follow-through with their recommendations. ("follow through")
Jackie, the second case-nurse("second-case nurse")
Otherwise, excellent work, Bev.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Eddie's psychic in a very unnatural way.
Thanks for the great review, Edward. I really appreciate the support and great suggestions for change.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
Loved your first paragraph. It's wonderfully descriptive, with a sense of humour. So well done.
"Marsha BLANKETED anything that might appear valuable..." Love the use of blanket as a verb. Brilliant.
"Neither included an assessment of the son's ability or willingness to FOLLOW-THROUGH with their recommendations." FOLLOW THROUGH." Two separate words in this case, I believe. A verb and an 'adverb'?
Ah, so maybe Marsha has stumbled into the lair of the serial killer. I hope we don't get too attached to her, or to poor old Gertrude. I have a feeling they're not going to be around for a long time.
Hell, Bev! You get better with each chapter. This is terrific writing. Every paragraph is an exercise in expert description, smooth dialogue and terrific tension building. You rock, girl!
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Loved your first paragraph. It's wonderfully descriptive, with a sense of humour. So well done.
"Marsha BLANKETED anything that might appear valuable..." Love the use of blanket as a verb. Brilliant.
"Neither included an assessment of the son's ability or willingness to FOLLOW-THROUGH with their recommendations." FOLLOW THROUGH." Two separate words in this case, I believe. A verb and an 'adverb'?
Ah, so maybe Marsha has stumbled into the lair of the serial killer. I hope we don't get too attached to her, or to poor old Gertrude. I have a feeling they're not going to be around for a long time.
Hell, Bev! You get better with each chapter. This is terrific writing. Every paragraph is an exercise in expert description, smooth dialogue and terrific tension building. You rock, girl!
Comment Written 04-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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What a completely gracious and encouraging review, Adrienne. I am deeply honored to have a writer of your caliber gift me with such wonderful words. Can you tell I've been reading Noir? hehehe
Thanks for the spaggie alert. Duh!!
You make me want to try to improve with each word on the page, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
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I think you're becoming an expert at your craft. I've seen such tremendous improvement in your writing over the past year. You're talented and smart and willing to learn. You'll leave us all in the dust with that kind of attitude. Big talent, Bev.
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Aw, shucks. I do feel I've improved with the help of wonderfully supportive reviews from great writers like yourself, Adrienne. It's definitely a group effort. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Louisiana Poorboy
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It sings. The tension resonates in the narrative and dialog. I am fairly new on
FanStory, but judging from the fraction I have read, I think you have the makings of a best seller. I would encourage you to start the screen play if you haven't already.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It sings. The tension resonates in the narrative and dialog. I am fairly new on
FanStory, but judging from the fraction I have read, I think you have the makings of a best seller. I would encourage you to start the screen play if you haven't already.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Why, what a gracious review, LP. I am honored that you took time to read my chapter and by your very generous review. I am interested in scriptwriting. So, I will seriously consider your suggestion.
Warm regards, Bev