I Hereby Crown Thee ...
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Love and Laughter"A collection of crowns of sonnets
56 total reviews
Comment from nitad
Wow.
That was quite an undertaking. A bit long, but worth for the reader that sticks with it all the way to the end. Well done and good luck in the contest, you should do well with this one.
The windows to your thoughts, my true insight.
The steel of strong opinions in your mind.
The dance of humour, sparkling in the light,
The look of love, so beautifully designed.
--this is my favorite stanza--great writing!
One nit:
"That sounds a contradiction," muttered jack (Jack)
Great writing!
Take care,
Nita
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Wow.
That was quite an undertaking. A bit long, but worth for the reader that sticks with it all the way to the end. Well done and good luck in the contest, you should do well with this one.
The windows to your thoughts, my true insight.
The steel of strong opinions in your mind.
The dance of humour, sparkling in the light,
The look of love, so beautifully designed.
--this is my favorite stanza--great writing!
One nit:
"That sounds a contradiction," muttered jack (Jack)
Great writing!
Take care,
Nita
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Aha! A missed capital! Thankyou for the pointer :-). I'm glad you enjoyed the journey, Nita. It's an epic, I know, but the contest really got me going, and I ended up writing three entries. These were the two best, and I couldn;t decide which to post, so I gave up and posted both!
Mike
Comment from SunlitWhisper
Wonderful poem full of great images that help the readers mind to soar in dreams designed to cascade down tall slopes and beyond. I don't know much (next to nothing about the iamb stuff so I'll little help there. Love the rhymes, though, they flow well etc. From what I could tell. Sorry I wasn't more help and good luck.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Wonderful poem full of great images that help the readers mind to soar in dreams designed to cascade down tall slopes and beyond. I don't know much (next to nothing about the iamb stuff so I'll little help there. Love the rhymes, though, they flow well etc. From what I could tell. Sorry I wasn't more help and good luck.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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I'm just happy people are reading it :-). Thankyou so much for your kind and encouraging words.
Mike
Comment from Domino
Blimey, Mike, you've kept this up your sleeve. I just wore my finger out scrollin down to hear to write this bit.
I'd better get me 'wordpad' for notes, hang on!
Right, I've written down your list of syllable counts, and though I find a couple stretch it, you're the writer, and good old Shakers stretched a few rules, from the tiny bit I've read of him.
Some may disagree but I like the first word repetition of the first three stamzas.
By the way, Although I'll read it thoroughly, I won't pick up every tiny what I may see as glitch in meter; only if I think it really stands out.
'pure perspicacity' - I can't even say that, let alone know what it means.
'my breath quakes' - maybe 'breathing quakes' to save repeating 'my', also smoother.
'As well as eyes as deep as any seas, -? 'Your eyes, so deep, they bring me to my knees' [ you have three 'as'
I love your hair, auburn as autumn leaves.' -
'It draws the eye with flair as bold [maybe 'bright' as although 'bold' alliterates, it seems outa place ] as gold,
'As if a fire burned [?'aflame' as only 9 syllables in line, despite your 'fire' 2 syllable explanation, it doesn't read like that, IMHO] in winter?s cold,
'It frames your face in natural rusty charm,' - ? It frames your face in naturalistic charm'
A thousand lovers cuddled [? 'embraced' is more 'high' sonnety language] in the night
As well as eyes and hair as fair as fun,' - very weak with four 'as' in one line.
'It rescues me from [deepest depressions,- doesn't flow]
'If sound were ink and voice[ shade suggestions,- same as above]
'Just complete [meter is def emphasised on 'PLETE', not 'com'] connections to transcend fun.', so it's out.
'Its pale [?'palest']glory folding me around,' - don't care what you say, this is 9 syllables, and out. LOL
Beyond eyes, hair, laughter, mind, skin, and heart' - too jumpy, no flow.
'I love your love, [ ? 'I welcome love' ]suffusing every part.
'Your love seals our togetherness, no seams.- ? 'Your love seals us as one, bereft of seams'
Hey, Mike, I'm gonna have ta leave it there as I've happily spent 40 minutes so far, and am falling behind. Also, I don't wish to discourage you with too many suggestions. I HONESTLY blieve this is an epic write of enormous talent and romantic content. Really, really engrossing; just needs a little tweaking. Hopefully you're not offended ans if you agree with my suggs, maybe apply them in some way to act 11. I read it all but just haven't the time to dusect the next half
You're showing incredible aptitude for sonnet form and meter and content with appropriate vocabulary, IMHO.
Hope that's of some use. Best wishes, Ray xx
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Blimey, Mike, you've kept this up your sleeve. I just wore my finger out scrollin down to hear to write this bit.
I'd better get me 'wordpad' for notes, hang on!
Right, I've written down your list of syllable counts, and though I find a couple stretch it, you're the writer, and good old Shakers stretched a few rules, from the tiny bit I've read of him.
Some may disagree but I like the first word repetition of the first three stamzas.
By the way, Although I'll read it thoroughly, I won't pick up every tiny what I may see as glitch in meter; only if I think it really stands out.
'pure perspicacity' - I can't even say that, let alone know what it means.
'my breath quakes' - maybe 'breathing quakes' to save repeating 'my', also smoother.
'As well as eyes as deep as any seas, -? 'Your eyes, so deep, they bring me to my knees' [ you have three 'as'
I love your hair, auburn as autumn leaves.' -
'It draws the eye with flair as bold [maybe 'bright' as although 'bold' alliterates, it seems outa place ] as gold,
'As if a fire burned [?'aflame' as only 9 syllables in line, despite your 'fire' 2 syllable explanation, it doesn't read like that, IMHO] in winter?s cold,
'It frames your face in natural rusty charm,' - ? It frames your face in naturalistic charm'
A thousand lovers cuddled [? 'embraced' is more 'high' sonnety language] in the night
As well as eyes and hair as fair as fun,' - very weak with four 'as' in one line.
'It rescues me from [deepest depressions,- doesn't flow]
'If sound were ink and voice[ shade suggestions,- same as above]
'Just complete [meter is def emphasised on 'PLETE', not 'com'] connections to transcend fun.', so it's out.
'Its pale [?'palest']glory folding me around,' - don't care what you say, this is 9 syllables, and out. LOL
Beyond eyes, hair, laughter, mind, skin, and heart' - too jumpy, no flow.
'I love your love, [ ? 'I welcome love' ]suffusing every part.
'Your love seals our togetherness, no seams.- ? 'Your love seals us as one, bereft of seams'
Hey, Mike, I'm gonna have ta leave it there as I've happily spent 40 minutes so far, and am falling behind. Also, I don't wish to discourage you with too many suggestions. I HONESTLY blieve this is an epic write of enormous talent and romantic content. Really, really engrossing; just needs a little tweaking. Hopefully you're not offended ans if you agree with my suggs, maybe apply them in some way to act 11. I read it all but just haven't the time to dusect the next half
You're showing incredible aptitude for sonnet form and meter and content with appropriate vocabulary, IMHO.
Hope that's of some use. Best wishes, Ray xx
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Hey Ray! Of course I'm not offended mate; I thought I could rely on you and Rama to point out my remaining meter woes (I'd got to the point where I just couldn't see them any more!). You have my humble thanks for taking so much time on pointers and suggestions, and rest assured that I am taking all on board :-)
I read fire as two syllables, I can't help it! It scans wrong if I try to make it one...
Thanks again mate, and I'm glad I was able to give you a few more credits for your time on this occasion!
Mike
Comment from adewpearl
act two???? I must admit I am reviewing act one - which was an amazing feat for you to accomplish - act two breaks the mood and is like reviewing two movies in a double feature.
I do not care about iambic pentamter even if it's part of the form - I'm just tired of people's having to explain syllables and all that rot - either a poem sounds gorgeous when read aloud or not, and I refuse to sit and meter something like this when the cadence of it flows very nicely for me. So, others will have to scold or praise you for how well the whole iambic pentameter thing went. It sounds lovely, Mike. The rhymes are pristine and the way you connect one sonnet to the next with the connecting lines is lovely. Somewhere in all those rules must explain why each sonnet has four quatrains and not three, but again, I'm not going to try to figure out all those rules. I will assume you have some reason for the extra quatrains, and since each sonnet sounds beautiful and filled with love for your beloved, I don't care why they're there. :-D You have achieved quite a lot in this mother of a poem!!
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reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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act two???? I must admit I am reviewing act one - which was an amazing feat for you to accomplish - act two breaks the mood and is like reviewing two movies in a double feature.
I do not care about iambic pentamter even if it's part of the form - I'm just tired of people's having to explain syllables and all that rot - either a poem sounds gorgeous when read aloud or not, and I refuse to sit and meter something like this when the cadence of it flows very nicely for me. So, others will have to scold or praise you for how well the whole iambic pentameter thing went. It sounds lovely, Mike. The rhymes are pristine and the way you connect one sonnet to the next with the connecting lines is lovely. Somewhere in all those rules must explain why each sonnet has four quatrains and not three, but again, I'm not going to try to figure out all those rules. I will assume you have some reason for the extra quatrains, and since each sonnet sounds beautiful and filled with love for your beloved, I don't care why they're there. :-D You have achieved quite a lot in this mother of a poem!!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Aww, thankyou! If it was up to me, I would explain nothing, and if this wasn't a contest entry I would not have worried at all about the iambic stresses; I care far more for flow that technical detail. However, I didn't want an extended debate on whether fire is one or two syllables, when it's clear to me it can be either, etc etc...
And as for the stresses, well it reads fine to me, and I've spent so long looking at the words that I can only see them how I know they're meant to sound, and hence find it near impossible to see where it's out :-)
I gather from the notes that Poetry's Protege provided that this form is a heroic sonnet, which "adds a heroic couplet to either two Sicilian octave stanzas or four Sicilian quatrain stanzas". I opted for the latter.
Thankyou so much for reading it; that's all I really want, now I've spent so long on its composition :-)
Mike
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gotcha on the extra quatrain - glad to see you're a fellow poet who cares more about the sound than the syllable count - but yes, I know you will encounter reviewers in a form poetry contest who will be metering and counting away!!!
Comment from rama devi
The romantic tone and sincerity of act I would melt any lady's heart when these songs are sung to her. I am happy for you that you have found such a mate, unless she is a figment of your glorious imagination? (LOL just teasing)
I give five stars even though some lines are not iambic, because of the graceful content and the fluid musicality of your lines, even the weakpoints in meter sound fine when read aloud. Still, since you asked, here are a few lines you need to tweak for them to have iambic stresses correctly.
You watch me with pure perspicacity
I love your hair, auburn as autumn leaves.
A spectrum of tone’s colours you impart,
It rescues me from deepest depressions,
If sound were ink and voice shade suggestions,
And spreads the stars’s blanket out by night.
Their director a genius out of sight.
Burns out the musty stranglehold of strife,
Pillow of honest thoughts you never speak.
I love your skin when my skin doth it find.
Just complete connections to transcend fun.
Soft as, legs twined, our bodies do demand
Your perfect vibrations in me invest
And these are my favorite lines:
Each every time across the room, eyes met,
My blue upon your grey connect, divine.
We soak in this, our own two-person sect.
Each time it dances gaily in the breeze,
It raptures my attentive attitude.
Your love defines the reason for my breath,
It coddles and encourages my dreams.
So lucky, so adoring, unto death.
Your love seals our togetherness, no seams
Best of luck in the contest. I do not think you should have posted both acts in one piece. it is far too much for readers to read, critique and assimilate. I remember reading the second one previously. it should be a separate post in my opin ion, since the two acts are not related and this is a contest entry.
Bravo for a tremendous effort. Technical level, i give this four stars, but content and dedication win you a five.
Warm Regards,
rama devi
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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The romantic tone and sincerity of act I would melt any lady's heart when these songs are sung to her. I am happy for you that you have found such a mate, unless she is a figment of your glorious imagination? (LOL just teasing)
I give five stars even though some lines are not iambic, because of the graceful content and the fluid musicality of your lines, even the weakpoints in meter sound fine when read aloud. Still, since you asked, here are a few lines you need to tweak for them to have iambic stresses correctly.
You watch me with pure perspicacity
I love your hair, auburn as autumn leaves.
A spectrum of tone’s colours you impart,
It rescues me from deepest depressions,
If sound were ink and voice shade suggestions,
And spreads the stars’s blanket out by night.
Their director a genius out of sight.
Burns out the musty stranglehold of strife,
Pillow of honest thoughts you never speak.
I love your skin when my skin doth it find.
Just complete connections to transcend fun.
Soft as, legs twined, our bodies do demand
Your perfect vibrations in me invest
And these are my favorite lines:
Each every time across the room, eyes met,
My blue upon your grey connect, divine.
We soak in this, our own two-person sect.
Each time it dances gaily in the breeze,
It raptures my attentive attitude.
Your love defines the reason for my breath,
It coddles and encourages my dreams.
So lucky, so adoring, unto death.
Your love seals our togetherness, no seams
Best of luck in the contest. I do not think you should have posted both acts in one piece. it is far too much for readers to read, critique and assimilate. I remember reading the second one previously. it should be a separate post in my opin ion, since the two acts are not related and this is a contest entry.
Bravo for a tremendous effort. Technical level, i give this four stars, but content and dedication win you a five.
Warm Regards,
rama devi
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Wow, thankyou so much for taking the time to read through and pull out the "off" bits :-) I'm raring to go on another revision, and will address the nits pointed out by yourself and Domino (thus far) over the next day or two. I want this to be as good as I can make it.
As for the two acts, I wasn't sure admittedly, but I'd written both of them and really couldn't decide which I wanted to use, so I "did a grindhouse", and published both. My third attempt, The Cardinal, sadly never fully saw the light, as I think that would have been the best. For now it's beaten me though :-)
Thankyou so much for your time and your thoughts.
Mike
Comment from Hitcher
That my friend is one mother of an undertaking and I myself would avoid such a monumental task. You on the other hand are not me and seem to thrive on the bigger the challenge the greater the glory, what can one say Mike? Awesome, brilliant, fan-f-n-tastic, a truly colossal achievement my friend, I think you are mad, but it is the kind of madness we can all learn from. Well done my insane friend! Charton Heston!
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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That my friend is one mother of an undertaking and I myself would avoid such a monumental task. You on the other hand are not me and seem to thrive on the bigger the challenge the greater the glory, what can one say Mike? Awesome, brilliant, fan-f-n-tastic, a truly colossal achievement my friend, I think you are mad, but it is the kind of madness we can all learn from. Well done my insane friend! Charton Heston!
Comment Written 10-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2008
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Well Hitch, I thankyou humbly. I've never spent nearly this much time on any poem before, and I think it needs a bit more, but for now I am content. I'll take insanity any day ;-)
Mike