Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Chapter 3 Part One"Can love survive small town gossip?
74 total reviews
Comment from dmjones
Interesting chapter. The reunion should be a good one too. This one is well written. The characters are developing nicely.
One thing. If this is both their moms, it should be ...moms ladies' group.
I'm speaking at our mom's ladies' group."
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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Interesting chapter. The reunion should be a good one too. This one is well written. The characters are developing nicely.
One thing. If this is both their moms, it should be ...moms ladies' group.
I'm speaking at our mom's ladies' group."
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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Thank you for catching that error and I will get on it. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Ponder
Hi Barbara,
This is another fabulous chapter. I like that your work is so dialogue led, you allow your character to tell thier stories to the reader.
The quality of writing here is excellent and the story is moving along nicely, can't wait for the reunion!
Jules
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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Hi Barbara,
This is another fabulous chapter. I like that your work is so dialogue led, you allow your character to tell thier stories to the reader.
The quality of writing here is excellent and the story is moving along nicely, can't wait for the reunion!
Jules
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
Another good chapter, their relationship is developing well. Looking forward to the reunion to see what that brings forth. keep up the good work :-)
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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Another good chapter, their relationship is developing well. Looking forward to the reunion to see what that brings forth. keep up the good work :-)
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from rama devi
Hi dear. This is a good chapter, though it has the same issues I've mentioned in many reviews (so will not repeat here). the dialog sounds true to life, though I would love to see it dive a bit deeper.
Flow and pace are good. I think there are no spags or typos and also did not notice nits like passive voice etc. An improvement!
This could be improved by adding more narrative description and depth.
A minor suggestion-
"What are you doing?" She rested her head against the doorframe. What's he up to now?
the italic internal voice here is redundant...since she asked him what are you doing? the reader knows she wonders what he's up to without being told again with internal voice.
Otherwise, the internal voice is well done.
Good work, needs fine tuning and fleshing out.
Lots of Love,
rd
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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Hi dear. This is a good chapter, though it has the same issues I've mentioned in many reviews (so will not repeat here). the dialog sounds true to life, though I would love to see it dive a bit deeper.
Flow and pace are good. I think there are no spags or typos and also did not notice nits like passive voice etc. An improvement!
This could be improved by adding more narrative description and depth.
A minor suggestion-
"What are you doing?" She rested her head against the doorframe. What's he up to now?
the italic internal voice here is redundant...since she asked him what are you doing? the reader knows she wonders what he's up to without being told again with internal voice.
Otherwise, the internal voice is well done.
Good work, needs fine tuning and fleshing out.
Lots of Love,
rd
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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I will remove the italics after her question. I may change the wording now that I think about it. Thank you for for kind review.
Comment from robbis4
Excellent I really enjoyed the chapter , I knew nothing of the story apart from your intro but quickly found the characters and was drawn into their world, got me wandering what next how will her father react etc, his relationship with her daughter very well done thank you bob
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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Excellent I really enjoyed the chapter , I knew nothing of the story apart from your intro but quickly found the characters and was drawn into their world, got me wandering what next how will her father react etc, his relationship with her daughter very well done thank you bob
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from menachem
I like the line about, "Having him fooled": So often we fluctuate between feeling strong and feeling weak, that we don't know what to make of it...
Could they? Hmm....
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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I like the line about, "Having him fooled": So often we fluctuate between feeling strong and feeling weak, that we don't know what to make of it...
Could they? Hmm....
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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We will have to wait and see if they make it. There's a lot of bumpy roads ahead. Thank you for your kind review.
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You're welcome!
Thanks for all those certificates!
Comment from RazberryBullet
Liked the easy repartee between Sara and Joe, as well as the jog to her work. I can understand that she's a bit leery of his intentions, unsure of what they really are.
Well done!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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Liked the easy repartee between Sara and Joe, as well as the jog to her work. I can understand that she's a bit leery of his intentions, unsure of what they really are.
Well done!
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
The reunion ought to be really interesting. I'm looking forward to it.
I enjoyed this read and have a couple of suggestions:
She glanced around the room. "Your book bag's on the left side of the couch, and your blue jacket is, of all places; in the coat closet." You might combine this paragraph with the last one, since Sara is still speaking. That would make it easier to identify who says this.
"Not really, or I wouldn't have made you cry. " (this start quote should come out) I'm batting a thousand.
Dave
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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Barbara,
The reunion ought to be really interesting. I'm looking forward to it.
I enjoyed this read and have a couple of suggestions:
She glanced around the room. "Your book bag's on the left side of the couch, and your blue jacket is, of all places; in the coat closet." You might combine this paragraph with the last one, since Sara is still speaking. That would make it easier to identify who says this.
"Not really, or I wouldn't have made you cry. " (this start quote should come out) I'm batting a thousand.
Dave
Comment Written 13-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your continued support and I am off to make the corrections you suggested.
Comment from FredCollingwood
Another great chapter to your book. Joe sounds pretty buff, but he's also G.U.D. (Geographically undesireable.) Somehow I don't think that will stop them.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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Another great chapter to your book. Joe sounds pretty buff, but he's also G.U.D. (Geographically undesireable.) Somehow I don't think that will stop them.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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Nope it doesn't stop love, but it does cause some problems.
Comment from jmdg1954
A fine continuation to ypur story. I like the way, since they currently only have a couple of days together you haven't already had them in bed together. You leave this to the readers imagination as to where and when, if ever. Nice dialogue beteween them making it very believable.
Great job.... John
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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A fine continuation to ypur story. I like the way, since they currently only have a couple of days together you haven't already had them in bed together. You leave this to the readers imagination as to where and when, if ever. Nice dialogue beteween them making it very believable.
Great job.... John
Comment Written 13-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I see no reason for a bed scene unless we really need one. I don't feel their relationships warrants one, yet.
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Full agreement...