Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Chapter 4, part three"Can love survive small town gossip?
72 total reviews
Comment from Janine Ellis-Fynn
This is a beautifully written exchange between a man and a woman who are clearly very much in love. Their characters are well described and plausible. Good job.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2010
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This is a beautifully written exchange between a man and a woman who are clearly very much in love. Their characters are well described and plausible. Good job.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Cheryle Rene
Another well written piece. The scene was clearly written and flowed well. For this reader, most of the dialogue was good - especially the part Joe explains about his days and work, but if you wanted to play with this some more,there were some parts between the two that didn't feel very 'real' again. An example would be this line from Joe:
"I understand. That's the reason when I kissed you a little while ago I stopped. I enjoyed it more than I should've at this point in our relationship."
Even still, the story is unfolding nicely and I'm looking forward to following the journey. Keep up the great work!
Also, I think this line needs the opening quotes:
I spend many hours pulling surveillance on drug deals."
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2010
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Another well written piece. The scene was clearly written and flowed well. For this reader, most of the dialogue was good - especially the part Joe explains about his days and work, but if you wanted to play with this some more,there were some parts between the two that didn't feel very 'real' again. An example would be this line from Joe:
"I understand. That's the reason when I kissed you a little while ago I stopped. I enjoyed it more than I should've at this point in our relationship."
Even still, the story is unfolding nicely and I'm looking forward to following the journey. Keep up the great work!
Also, I think this line needs the opening quotes:
I spend many hours pulling surveillance on drug deals."
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2010
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I have alread added the opening quotes. I will relook that line. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
Best wishes for your health.
This chapter is well done. Nice imaging, decent dialogue.
One little "nit."
[and do PT (physical training)] -- Drop "PT" and just use "physical training."
Good job.
Ted
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2010
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Hi Barbara :)
Best wishes for your health.
This chapter is well done. Nice imaging, decent dialogue.
One little "nit."
[and do PT (physical training)] -- Drop "PT" and just use "physical training."
Good job.
Ted
Comment Written 09-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2010
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Question about that, Joe would not use physical training. He would say PT. But if I thought civilians wouldn't know what that is. Any idea?
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Hi :)
It would be best to use one or the other, but not both.
Ted
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I will see if I can find any guidance on that. You are the only one commented on it. I am afraid, civilians won't know what PT is.
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Hi Barbara :)
I hope you're feeling okay. You're in my thoughts and I mean that sincerely.
For this one sequence, let Joe say, "PT, that's physical training." Problem solved. Actually, everybody would know what "PT" means -- I did immediately.
God bless you.
Ted
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I have already changed it to that. Helen Tan gave me that idea. I have known people from my first post who didn't know what it was. I just wrote PT and got gigged majorly for it. Anyway, thank youfor your thoughts. I will find out in a few hours how much additional surgery I will need and how Chemo will be added to my radiation treatment.
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Hi :)
I have no idea why you would get any major gig for such a tiny issue. It isn't SPAG by a long shot.
Take care of yourself and try to get as deep into your book as you can. That could be good therapy as well. Don't worry about SPAG, just write.
Ted
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
I really feel for Joe and Sara. Joe has to go back to work, and Sara is stuck in that hick town. How will they ever resolve this? As for what Joe does abroad, this is strictly classified information. I used to work for the Navy as a civilian employee, and I understand how such things work.
Thanks also for the update on your health conditions. The news doesn't sound good. My wife and I hope you'll pull through this and stay around for a long time.
I enjoyed this read and have a couple of suggestions:
"Leya isn't fitting into any shoes right now, but normally [she] wears five-inch stilettos." Just a suggestion. I'm really pleased you've referred to past characters in other books.
"Sara bent over to pick-up [pick up - no hyphen] her heels."
I couldn't give you a six-star review. Fanstory wouldn't let me do that.
Dave
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2010
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Barbara,
I really feel for Joe and Sara. Joe has to go back to work, and Sara is stuck in that hick town. How will they ever resolve this? As for what Joe does abroad, this is strictly classified information. I used to work for the Navy as a civilian employee, and I understand how such things work.
Thanks also for the update on your health conditions. The news doesn't sound good. My wife and I hope you'll pull through this and stay around for a long time.
I enjoyed this read and have a couple of suggestions:
"Leya isn't fitting into any shoes right now, but normally [she] wears five-inch stilettos." Just a suggestion. I'm really pleased you've referred to past characters in other books.
"Sara bent over to pick-up [pick up - no hyphen] her heels."
I couldn't give you a six-star review. Fanstory wouldn't let me do that.
Dave
Comment Written 09-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2010
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Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I have fits those areas. I appreciate your review and continued support.
Comment from Nicnac
I was happy to see a new post of your story, Barbara. I can't do very long without my Joe. LOL
The private time they had this night makes me think of an old movie... The black and white type romances - like Ingrid Bergman and Carey Grant. I don't know why - but it did. (I love old movies!)
Suggestions:
I wear sneakers all day and my feet are tired. (This sounds like her feet are tired BECAUSE she wears sneakers. Perhaps you could re-word: I usually wear sneakers all day, so these heels make my feet tired. - or something along those lines.)
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." (It isn't very realistic that Joe would say this, seeing as he hasn't seen her since she was about nine years old. Maybe he would say - I sure wish I knew you then and I could have been there for you.)
Another reminder to take it easy, my friend. Rest. Don't overdo yourself.
Hugs and prayers.
Nic
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2010
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I was happy to see a new post of your story, Barbara. I can't do very long without my Joe. LOL
The private time they had this night makes me think of an old movie... The black and white type romances - like Ingrid Bergman and Carey Grant. I don't know why - but it did. (I love old movies!)
Suggestions:
I wear sneakers all day and my feet are tired. (This sounds like her feet are tired BECAUSE she wears sneakers. Perhaps you could re-word: I usually wear sneakers all day, so these heels make my feet tired. - or something along those lines.)
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." (It isn't very realistic that Joe would say this, seeing as he hasn't seen her since she was about nine years old. Maybe he would say - I sure wish I knew you then and I could have been there for you.)
Another reminder to take it easy, my friend. Rest. Don't overdo yourself.
Hugs and prayers.
Nic
Comment Written 09-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reworking the sentence about the 'not being there for her.' I didn't like it myself, but wanted the feeling in. I appreciate your review. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.
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You're welcome. :) I'm happy my review was helpful, Barbara.
Nic
Comment from Readywriter52
Joe and Sara seem to be progressing nicely in their relationship. He wants to go cautiously so he can keep Sara's trust. She loves him, but she has been hurt once so she's not sure how far she wants to go in the relationship. One little misstep can hurt the whole relationship.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2010
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Joe and Sara seem to be progressing nicely in their relationship. He wants to go cautiously so he can keep Sara's trust. She loves him, but she has been hurt once so she's not sure how far she wants to go in the relationship. One little misstep can hurt the whole relationship.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from jester97
First up let me say immediately - I haven't read your other chapters. but there was enough here to make me want to. Dialogue feels natural - which is one of my biggest bugbears with most romantic prose - sometimes you read statements and you think "Who would say that in real life?" but I don't get any of that here. keep up the good work
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reply by the author on 08-Aug-2010
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First up let me say immediately - I haven't read your other chapters. but there was enough here to make me want to. Dialogue feels natural - which is one of my biggest bugbears with most romantic prose - sometimes you read statements and you think "Who would say that in real life?" but I don't get any of that here. keep up the good work
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2010
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I don't understand why you gave me 4 stars if you liked my work. I don't understand what you think I need to correct to get 5 stars, please tell. Thank you for your review.
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liked = 4 stars, loved = 5 stars, to me 5 has to be really special. your work is good and if there was an option for 4.5 stars i'd give you that
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Here is the standard rating system on FS. I copied it. If there is nothing to improve it's a 5 star rating. It had nothing to do with whether you liked it or not.
Six Stars (Exceptional: Simply Outstanding)
Five Stars (Excellent: Enjoyable and no revisions needed)
Four Stars (Good: Adjustments needed)
Three Stars (Off to a good start)
Two Stars (Below Average: Needs lots of work)
One Star (Poor: Major revision required)
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written chapter. You used very good descriptive wording and very good imagery. Great dialog also. Great job. Hugs, Teri
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2010
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This is a very well written chapter. You used very good descriptive wording and very good imagery. Great dialog also. Great job. Hugs, Teri
Comment Written 08-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your support
Comment from gramalot8
Barbara, whew, another sensural walk down the lane of love your Joe and Sara. Very moving chapter. I love the love he has for her and the trust he is trying to build up between the two of them. I really like his sensitive side compared to the "dangerous" side in his career.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2010
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Barbara, whew, another sensural walk down the lane of love your Joe and Sara. Very moving chapter. I love the love he has for her and the trust he is trying to build up between the two of them. I really like his sensitive side compared to the "dangerous" side in his career.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. The dangerous side will rear it's ugly head. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
first of all, you are on my prayer list at church, second, i pray you can keep strong and teach, since keeping busy will help. this is another good chapter from you, i like the details and facts you give about your characters and surroundings. i will see you on the next chapter. send me a message if you ever want to vent about what's going or need a prayer request from me.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2010
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first of all, you are on my prayer list at church, second, i pray you can keep strong and teach, since keeping busy will help. this is another good chapter from you, i like the details and facts you give about your characters and surroundings. i will see you on the next chapter. send me a message if you ever want to vent about what's going or need a prayer request from me.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2010
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Thank you for your review and I appreciate your prayers and friendship.
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if you need a laugh, check out Rice Krispy Tripper
