Travelling to Nowhere
When your only option is no option at all63 total reviews
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Mike:
You surely put this reader on the edge of her seat
The four guys around your car made you dead meat
In every possible way a body could be beat
There seemed no way you could not meet defeat
So in order to finally get past the pain
And all the ways you held yourself in disdain
The only thing that would make sense in your brain
Was to throw yourself under an oncoming train
good luck in the contest
if I have nightmares tonight, I'm going to be
upset with you
love,
jan
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Mike:
You surely put this reader on the edge of her seat
The four guys around your car made you dead meat
In every possible way a body could be beat
There seemed no way you could not meet defeat
So in order to finally get past the pain
And all the ways you held yourself in disdain
The only thing that would make sense in your brain
Was to throw yourself under an oncoming train
good luck in the contest
if I have nightmares tonight, I'm going to be
upset with you
love,
jan
Comment Written 09-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Lol, thank you Jan :-). I like you poetic interpretation of my story, and I hope your dreans were undisturbed.
Mike
Comment from Rasp E
The note made me giggle. People have blown past the system warnings before and complained, eh? {Now that I've read it - you might want one more "no, really" on there. Ok kidding, but wow.}
That's some opening line...sets the tone immediately and well.
"Wan with pity" - nice.
Oh dear, ouch. I almost don't want to know what's bothering the poor man. The devastation is already pouring from the page.
Oh. Suggest its/it instead of their to refer to the stranger at the end of paragraph five. One, because I'm OCD and it's the whole subject verb agreement thing and two, it works with the mood - making the other person seem alien or unreal.
Well, you've certainly built suspension and dread quite successfully...
Oh. my. spaghetti monster.
I'm not sure where to start. It took five minutes to peel my hand off my mouth and stop, well, flinching.
I guess I'll start with that's one fuckin' helluva metaphor.
And no, no one deserves eternal torture - not even the worst scum humanity has to offer - and that's what that is, that endless brutal night.
Beyond terrible, considering he's just some poor, confused slob who needs a friend - and slap upside the head too, maybe...
I'm shocked he'd even wonder if he deserves it. That's incredibly tragic. Not that. Not anyone, ever. Some things are far worse than death...and this story is definitely about one of them. This is certainly horror beyond the usual meaning of the term.
I think the worst part is, the only people he's willing to inteact with are his torturers. The rapists, or his wife. Except to shout at that one nebulous figure, he makes no attempt to recover the piece of himself that gives a shit or put down the booze and try to be a human. He's punishing himself...far more thoroughly than the physical attack. It's horrific, to be sure, but you can come back from that. With time. Except for this guy - he hates himself. No wonder he thinks everything's pointless. It's about the saddest thing I've ever read. And I'm not kidding...I actually cried. lol. Just in case you're wondering if that's just some melodramatic pandering.
Fuck.
Jesus, I need a comedy. Stat. And a drink!
It's very well-written...and it's gonna leave a mark, I think. :) (Stop typing 'sorry' - cuz I know you're gonna. Not necessary. lol. All's fair on FS - and there were plenty of warnings, after all.)
I can't imagine what is was like to write that, if just reading it made me almost as suicidal as your character. That was something.
E
P.S. I also appreciate the Kubric/Clockwork Orange flavor.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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The note made me giggle. People have blown past the system warnings before and complained, eh? {Now that I've read it - you might want one more "no, really" on there. Ok kidding, but wow.}
That's some opening line...sets the tone immediately and well.
"Wan with pity" - nice.
Oh dear, ouch. I almost don't want to know what's bothering the poor man. The devastation is already pouring from the page.
Oh. Suggest its/it instead of their to refer to the stranger at the end of paragraph five. One, because I'm OCD and it's the whole subject verb agreement thing and two, it works with the mood - making the other person seem alien or unreal.
Well, you've certainly built suspension and dread quite successfully...
Oh. my. spaghetti monster.
I'm not sure where to start. It took five minutes to peel my hand off my mouth and stop, well, flinching.
I guess I'll start with that's one fuckin' helluva metaphor.
And no, no one deserves eternal torture - not even the worst scum humanity has to offer - and that's what that is, that endless brutal night.
Beyond terrible, considering he's just some poor, confused slob who needs a friend - and slap upside the head too, maybe...
I'm shocked he'd even wonder if he deserves it. That's incredibly tragic. Not that. Not anyone, ever. Some things are far worse than death...and this story is definitely about one of them. This is certainly horror beyond the usual meaning of the term.
I think the worst part is, the only people he's willing to inteact with are his torturers. The rapists, or his wife. Except to shout at that one nebulous figure, he makes no attempt to recover the piece of himself that gives a shit or put down the booze and try to be a human. He's punishing himself...far more thoroughly than the physical attack. It's horrific, to be sure, but you can come back from that. With time. Except for this guy - he hates himself. No wonder he thinks everything's pointless. It's about the saddest thing I've ever read. And I'm not kidding...I actually cried. lol. Just in case you're wondering if that's just some melodramatic pandering.
Fuck.
Jesus, I need a comedy. Stat. And a drink!
It's very well-written...and it's gonna leave a mark, I think. :) (Stop typing 'sorry' - cuz I know you're gonna. Not necessary. lol. All's fair on FS - and there were plenty of warnings, after all.)
I can't imagine what is was like to write that, if just reading it made me almost as suicidal as your character. That was something.
E
P.S. I also appreciate the Kubric/Clockwork Orange flavor.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Erica. Indeed, people have complained about content in the past, despite warnings. In fact, I got a four star review for this from someone who said it deserved a five or six, but they were marking it down for being unpleasant. Some people will not be warned!
I'm actually working on a comedy story now - I definitely need a shift in tone!
I finished this on the train home, which felt a bit weird. The fact that the old lady sitting next to me looked like she was reading it as I typed didn't help!
This is the result of me wondering how low somebody could feel, and the worst way in which it could manifest. I can write about people strangling each other with their lower intestines with the best of them, but this felt far more horrifying to me.
Thanks so much for the detailed review, E. No apologies, but plenty of thanks :-).
Mike
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Some people are flat stupid. Writing about horrific things is important. You have to know the beast to slay it. What fucking good is a poem about kittens? 'Course, I have to admit I've seen one or two good ones along those lines, but spare me the eternal euphemisms and polite facades! Bah!
Oop. Got carried away...sorry. lol. Yes, quite, quite horrifying - but to a purpose and well done. :) E
Comment from Ashley Scott
Well that was one hell of story. I got so pulled into this this dark tale that I totally tuned out the critical eye, so if there were any SPAG's, I'm sorry, but I wasn't able to see them. I'll blame that on your excellent story telling...lol.
What I thought you did exceptionally well was place the reader right there with your main character as he suffered, in vivid detail, all the horrors that occured. You must have felt exhausted after this write.
When he returns to the train, I immediately thought, this will lose its believability if your character trumps those thugs on the second go around...but you did not go that way, which really made this story real. The fact that he kept coming back, and was unable to alter the confrontation that kept reoccuring, really "upped" the chill factor for me. Below are some additional impressions I got while reading:
~~~
"As I neared and one of them noticed me, a determined sense of purpose washed over me. My life was a heap of shit on a runaway train, and the tracks ahead were broken. What could these guys do to me that could make that any worse?"
Everything seems to center around these lines here and I love this theme of "Don't take your life for granted, even as shitty as it is...it's not as bad as it could be".
~~~
"I love you!" I shouted. "I love you, you lucky bastard!"
Also, this line above is brilliant, for when he sees the other passenger (for the umpteenth time) it really adds something extra in reinforcing that he would do anything to have that shitty life back.
~~~
Of course, this doesn't end well for your main character, but for me, I don't believe it could've ended any other way.
Again, a fantastic story that really captures the "horror" elements very well.
I have to ask, and perhaps I overlooked it. What, if anything, were the significance of the numbers your rapist's had rather than names?
I kept expecting to find out that the train number was 1075 or something like that...lol.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Well that was one hell of story. I got so pulled into this this dark tale that I totally tuned out the critical eye, so if there were any SPAG's, I'm sorry, but I wasn't able to see them. I'll blame that on your excellent story telling...lol.
What I thought you did exceptionally well was place the reader right there with your main character as he suffered, in vivid detail, all the horrors that occured. You must have felt exhausted after this write.
When he returns to the train, I immediately thought, this will lose its believability if your character trumps those thugs on the second go around...but you did not go that way, which really made this story real. The fact that he kept coming back, and was unable to alter the confrontation that kept reoccuring, really "upped" the chill factor for me. Below are some additional impressions I got while reading:
~~~
"As I neared and one of them noticed me, a determined sense of purpose washed over me. My life was a heap of shit on a runaway train, and the tracks ahead were broken. What could these guys do to me that could make that any worse?"
Everything seems to center around these lines here and I love this theme of "Don't take your life for granted, even as shitty as it is...it's not as bad as it could be".
~~~
"I love you!" I shouted. "I love you, you lucky bastard!"
Also, this line above is brilliant, for when he sees the other passenger (for the umpteenth time) it really adds something extra in reinforcing that he would do anything to have that shitty life back.
~~~
Of course, this doesn't end well for your main character, but for me, I don't believe it could've ended any other way.
Again, a fantastic story that really captures the "horror" elements very well.
I have to ask, and perhaps I overlooked it. What, if anything, were the significance of the numbers your rapist's had rather than names?
I kept expecting to find out that the train number was 1075 or something like that...lol.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Thanks so much, Ashley. What a brilliant and comprehensive review :-). When I decided to write this in first person, I knew it would be uncomfortable, but it had to be that way, I think, to create the most involving narrative possible.
The numbers, in the end, have no significance beyond making the rapists anonymous. Several people have asked, and I now have the idea that they might represent the four rapists of the apocalypse, as it were, reading as his time of death: 10:57. Ten, Five, Seven, and Death. Possible edit impending, but I'm pretty happy with it as a rule.
Thanks again for the great feedback.
Mike
Comment from BarnCat
Mike -- No holds barred/no punches pulled. What a ride -- a horrible ride that drew me in and would not let go. I felt it was a trick of a mind looking for escape but unable to let go -- until the felt his hopeless/helpless essence to his core. Gritty, plausible through the intial section before his mind broke. They say insanity is repeating the same action and expecting a different outcome. You created those horrors with excruciating detail, Good luck. D
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Mike -- No holds barred/no punches pulled. What a ride -- a horrible ride that drew me in and would not let go. I felt it was a trick of a mind looking for escape but unable to let go -- until the felt his hopeless/helpless essence to his core. Gritty, plausible through the intial section before his mind broke. They say insanity is repeating the same action and expecting a different outcome. You created those horrors with excruciating detail, Good luck. D
Comment Written 09-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Thank you, D :-). Indeed, I think this is a pretty terrible interpretation of insanity. I had a hard time presenting this the way I felt it had to be, but I'm glad I did. Thanks so much for the great review.
Mike
Comment from KinaSalad
Hi there Mike, I love the story, you done a great job. You certainly have helped me out heaps. I could feel the pain and terror. I've been raped so many times in my life and don't know how to put it down in words. Thanks alot
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Hi there Mike, I love the story, you done a great job. You certainly have helped me out heaps. I could feel the pain and terror. I've been raped so many times in my life and don't know how to put it down in words. Thanks alot
Comment Written 09-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Kina. That is a most amazing compliment.
Mike
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Mike,
I don't usually go in for long writes weather it's poetry or a story. However, once I began to read your words I couldn't drag myself away. I was on the edge of my seat and your descriptions are so vivid that I felt as if I was actually watching those horrible events. When our hero kept going back to the same thing again and again I realized it was his mind and wondered if he had a psychotic break. Or maybe it was the only way he could get away from his pain. Pain from drinking too much, pain from a wife who doesn't care a flip about him or just pain in general. You are a gifted writer and I am so glad I hung in there and read every line of this amazing story. I rarely give out my sixers this early in the week but I did this time so here are some virtual stars...******. Bravo, chey
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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Hi Mike,
I don't usually go in for long writes weather it's poetry or a story. However, once I began to read your words I couldn't drag myself away. I was on the edge of my seat and your descriptions are so vivid that I felt as if I was actually watching those horrible events. When our hero kept going back to the same thing again and again I realized it was his mind and wondered if he had a psychotic break. Or maybe it was the only way he could get away from his pain. Pain from drinking too much, pain from a wife who doesn't care a flip about him or just pain in general. You are a gifted writer and I am so glad I hung in there and read every line of this amazing story. I rarely give out my sixers this early in the week but I did this time so here are some virtual stars...******. Bravo, chey
Comment Written 09-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much, Chey. This is one of the longest single posts I've put up, but when I thought about splitting it, I knew it wouldn't work - it's all about that built up momentum as he accelerates towards his end.
I like to leave it up to the readers whether characters are inhabiting the same reality as the rest of us - the disparity of perception is one of my favourite themes. Are the events a metaphor for the emotional place he finds himself inhabiting, or a terrible experience that brings his horrid existence to a head? I'm undecided, so I'll leave it up to you!
Thanks again for the great review.
Mike
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, fleedleflump, a great job writing this horror story about the man who lived his rape and revenge over and over again and finally killed himself by jumping in front of the train. great use of imagery, good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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this is very well written, fleedleflump, a great job writing this horror story about the man who lived his rape and revenge over and over again and finally killed himself by jumping in front of the train. great use of imagery, good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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Thank you! I'm sorry if it was hard going; to me, it had to be harsh to work. I really appreciate the great review!
Mike
Comment from purrfect tale
Holy crap! It was terrifying, but I couldn't stop myself from reading until the end. I don't think there are any monsters as horrific as a human, and a group of humans is the worse. I liked that one of the bad guys was never named and the "hero's" numerous tries to change his fate. I didn't see the jump in front of the train coming.
Notes - yeah, I know, I gave a 6 yet have a few errors, sue me, that's what editors are for.
The smell hit me before I could drink(,)
Suddenly(,) I was in a world of caught breaths
Every time, something conspired (t)o stop me.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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Holy crap! It was terrifying, but I couldn't stop myself from reading until the end. I don't think there are any monsters as horrific as a human, and a group of humans is the worse. I liked that one of the bad guys was never named and the "hero's" numerous tries to change his fate. I didn't see the jump in front of the train coming.
Notes - yeah, I know, I gave a 6 yet have a few errors, sue me, that's what editors are for.
The smell hit me before I could drink(,)
Suddenly(,) I was in a world of caught breaths
Every time, something conspired (t)o stop me.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much, Purrfect :-). I fixed the nits straight away, so there's nothing to worry about now! Thanks for catching those.
It's not every day I try to imagine being gang-raped, but it certainly put my head in the right place to write this. I love to do supernatural, gory horror, but that just didn't seem disturbing enough this time.
Thanks for the awesome review :-).
Mike
Comment from jlsavell
Mike, this had me on the edge. I had to read it several times to get the full impact of this horror, imagined or real. It was like the zone past the twilight zone. Horrific imagery and dispair. Emtoional disturbance at its peak. Psychotic? This is masterful. I do not want to read it again, it left me not feeling very well.. there was a spelling error in one line, but I cannot find it now.. sorry.. excellent work.. you sick puppy you.. jimi
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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Mike, this had me on the edge. I had to read it several times to get the full impact of this horror, imagined or real. It was like the zone past the twilight zone. Horrific imagery and dispair. Emtoional disturbance at its peak. Psychotic? This is masterful. I do not want to read it again, it left me not feeling very well.. there was a spelling error in one line, but I cannot find it now.. sorry.. excellent work.. you sick puppy you.. jimi
Comment Written 09-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much, Jimi. I had a bit of a struggle writing this, but I think it came out how I wanted it. I'm glad you picked up on my oft-used theme of questionable reality, and how the palpable can seem incorporeal, especially when we're under great duress.
Thanks for the amazing review.
Mike
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this is fantastic writing.. it was almost to painful to read, that was the graphics in it.. the tension was mounting with each round.. wheter this was one who was having after shock or suffering from some pyschotic disturbance, it left an unsettling feeling in your gut as if you were standing there watching the whole thing unfold. Mike, I do imagine there are people out there that live frightfully in thier altered reality..and the ending.. oh my.. that is total dispair.. loved it.. in a horrifying way,, but readers love to be horrified in imaginations play.. keep penning my friend.. you are very good...
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A good write with imagery,the story was quite repetitive and I didn't understand why but I did enjoy the excitement of the story,was it his concience?
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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A good write with imagery,the story was quite repetitive and I didn't understand why but I did enjoy the excitement of the story,was it his concience?
Comment Written 09-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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Thank you! It's about being stuck on a dead-end road, and being reminded of it brutally and terribly, only to realise that it's too late to change anything. Hence the repeatedly relived horror of violation and death. Is it him, trying to break himself free? I'll leave that up to the readers :-)
Mike
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Thanks mike, I like a special brew occasionaly.LOL
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lol, it's an acquired taste, methinks. Not sure if our American cousins will get the refernce, but never mind. It's better than Tenants Super, I'll give it that!
Mike