Comment from DR DIP

Excellent

what can't you write? lol
short, sweet and in 3 lines manages to sum up a mood a feeling of the beautiful forest and natures beasts that reside there
thanks for sharing Deano

perfect no matter how you write!!

as always dip

 Comment Written 24-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014

Thanks, dip. These haiku are tough little customers, I'll give 'em that. A lot harder to write than they look.

Thanks for the fine review, dip.

Comment from kiwisteveh

Excellent

Nice alliteration in resplendent river and flows free.

Vivid images of the river, the wilderness and the playful deer yearlings.

best of luck in the contest.

Steve

 Comment Written 24-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014

Thank you, Steve. I appreciate you taking time out to read & review it.

Comment from The Death

Excellent

Re-review:

All fine now.

Review:

Hi, Dean.

I like the insightful thought you want to portray here. You haven't just painted a picture, but also indirectly portrayed the interdependence of life forms.

It could be visualized as a journey where one gets to enjoy the joyous moments, yet the life is about moving and one has to face the twists also.

The reason for lower rating is the use of gerund 'reflecting' in the second line. You can't have it in a haiku to make the thought/imagery more appealing--else every 5/7/5 will be a haiku. It has to be just 'simple' present tense--no participles at all!

Also, 'reflecting life' doesn't add to imagery, but thoughts. So the first two lines only show the river is flowing.

Suggestion:

flows freely through lush wild

This way you are not forcing the readers to imagine the river to be reflecting 'life', but the third line will allow them to ponder about it.

One more issue is the seasonal reference, for which I generally don't deduct a star. But using 3 syllables on a word like 'resplendent' isn't a good choice either. You should have used a word which will serve both the purposes, say 'sunny'.


resplendent river
flows freely reflecting life
whitetail yearlings play

You've made excellent use of phonetics here with R,F alliteration and consonance of L throughout.

Good satori line which links to the imagery of the first two lines. It might even win the prompt, but still it sounds more like a 5/7/5.

Will be happy to re-review if you edit this.

Warm regards,
Anupam

 Comment Written 24-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014

Thanks, Anupam, my friend, and I did rework it just as you suggested. If you get a chance to revisit it, please let me know what you think.

Respectfully

Dean

reply by The Death on 24-Jun-2014

Thanks for your friendly reply, Dean. It's fine now. Upgraded the rating!

Enjoy the day!

reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014

Thanks, Anupam. I appreciate the assistance.

Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep

Excellent

This is a true fact of nature, is it not, Dean? A River is so vital to the creatures of the land. Your picture is most appropriate and I loved the haiku. You have an excellent cutting line or satori. Giddy

 Comment Written 24-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014

Thank you very much, Giddy. I appreciate it!

Comment from Shirley E Kennedy

Excellent

I really like this thoughtful Haiku poem.
The syllable count is spot on at seventeen and the two subjects complement one another well.
The chosen image adds to the impact of the words and the overall presentation is quite effective.
The contest rules have been adhered to perfectly.
Good luck.

 Comment Written 24-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014

Thank you very much, seken58. I'm very grateful for such an encouraging review.

Comment from padumachitta

Excellent

Hi Dean. You sure caught the feel of a river. The wee deer give me the smell of early summer and the sheer joy filled energy of watching small ones frollic. Somehow the deer give the whole poem a solid but dreamy feel.
padumachitta

 Comment Written 24-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014

Thanks, Padu. I so pleased that you liked my meager haiku offering. I'm still learning the form, but I do find it extremely challenging. That's why I keep trying.

Thanks again!

Comment from marijmd

Excellent

Ah look - you have a cute and frolicking side! Will there be severed deer heads in the follow up? Just kidding - sweet Haiku - good luck with the prompt.

 Comment Written 24-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014

Yes I do, marjmd, but please don't tell anyone. I wouldn't want it to get around, heh-heh...

Thanks for the encouraging review.

Comment from A Matter Of Words

Excellent

There is such a beautiful, tranquil feel to this haiku. The flow of the river mimicking life is an apt description. I love the picture of the two fawns...take care...Stephanie

 Comment Written 23-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014

Thanks, Stephanie. I am very glad you liked it. Rarely do I take a trip to my lighter side. But I've never seen horror haiku, although I suppose it would be possible.

reply by A Matter Of Words on 24-Jun-2014

You are welcome and you need to create a new 5-7-5 and call it horku? Booku? Scareku

Best of l luck with your entry, Dean. Take care...Stephanie.

reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014

Horror Haiku, perhaps? The haiku police would draw and quarter me! Why, I'd be a veritable pariah on this site if I did, more so than I already am! But...it would be interesting, don't you think?

reply by A Matter Of Words on 24-Jun-2014

You, my friend, would be the one to make it happen.

reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014

I just might do it, create a horror only 5-7-5 contest. I can't call it haiku or I'd be castrated.

Comment from kiwijenny

Excellent

When the writing prompt is 13 lines long I tend to dismiss it...so glad you didn't....I like this haiku.....you are branching out.....dare I say it was en-deering.........I was not bambivalent about it at all...very good
God bless

 Comment Written 23-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014

Ha, "en-deering", she says. Thanks for the entertaining review, kiwijenny. It's always a pleasure to hear your unique side of things, LOL.

Comment from ragamuffin

Excellent

This is such a pleasant piece to envision.It's light, upbeat, and hopeful. Your well chosen descriptive words make it easy to picture nature and to feel the joy of the visual.

 Comment Written 23-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014

Thank you, ragamuffin. I'm so glad you enjoyed this.