Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 45 "Fragrance of First Night"A book of Poetry & Writing
117 total reviews
Comment from Erik McGinley
Very beautiful poem.
Seems redundant to try to analyse it and, on this one, I think really nothing much more than my first line there is going to do it justice.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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Very beautiful poem.
Seems redundant to try to analyse it and, on this one, I think really nothing much more than my first line there is going to do it justice.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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Thank you
Comment from Willowsong
A beautiful portrayal of a couple's first intimate moment together. The uninhibited vulnerability exposed for all to read is true passion at its core. Nicely written :)
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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A beautiful portrayal of a couple's first intimate moment together. The uninhibited vulnerability exposed for all to read is true passion at its core. Nicely written :)
Comment Written 04-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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Thank you
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
This is so touching for the person you wrote this for and I think we all want to experience this. This is the best thing to experience. Great job
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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This is so touching for the person you wrote this for and I think we all want to experience this. This is the best thing to experience. Great job
Comment Written 04-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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Thank you
Comment from Angel Debbie
Excellent night of love.
Well done with great descriptive words throughout this write.
The rose depicts love also. Nice touch.
Good luck with the contest. You have a great chance.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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Excellent night of love.
Well done with great descriptive words throughout this write.
The rose depicts love also. Nice touch.
Good luck with the contest. You have a great chance.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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Thank you Angel
Comment from Dom G Robles
I like this poem. The rhyme and rhythm was excellent. The image was strong. I felt the impact of the descriptive love. It struck me with a memory of the night I had with my first girl. The structure...? I have a little comment. The second line which talked about the gold ring followed by the the words, passion, virtue...I suppose deviated a little on the entire theme, in terms of cohesiveness. It distracted my senses and I felt it was not quite really necessary. Also, I feel, that the comma in the first line would not make the image stronger. My personal view, I could be wrong. Dom
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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I like this poem. The rhyme and rhythm was excellent. The image was strong. I felt the impact of the descriptive love. It struck me with a memory of the night I had with my first girl. The structure...? I have a little comment. The second line which talked about the gold ring followed by the the words, passion, virtue...I suppose deviated a little on the entire theme, in terms of cohesiveness. It distracted my senses and I felt it was not quite really necessary. Also, I feel, that the comma in the first line would not make the image stronger. My personal view, I could be wrong. Dom
Comment Written 04-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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Thank you
Comment from Robin Gilmor
A first time and a first love expressed with simple elegance. A nice even flow
that carries the reader from start to finish. Well done and certainly a very
enjoyable read. Smiles, Robin :)
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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A first time and a first love expressed with simple elegance. A nice even flow
that carries the reader from start to finish. Well done and certainly a very
enjoyable read. Smiles, Robin :)
Comment Written 04-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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Thank you Robino
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi deepwater
Your poem reminded me of the 1987 movie, "Overboard", starring Goldie Hawn as Joanna Stayton and Kurt Russell as Dean Proffitt. At one point in the movie, the two go out dancing and finally make love for the first time. Joanna asks Dean if it was always like this when they made love. Dean tells her that it always feels like "the first time". Great movie!
I really like your opening line, though I don't think you need the comma...
"This silent night as moonlight sheds, its last rays for the dawn,"
I also like this line,
"Your fragrance lingers upon my lips"
But you have made a common mistake. You use "so" too many times.
"This silent night as moonlight sheds, its last rays for the dawn,
A ring of gold lay on your hand, with passion, your virtue, (so) pure,
Your fragrance lingers upon my lips, from kisses all (so) true,
Our bodies charged from endless tease, this first night love with you,
How sublime your body yearned for endless love, the awe of all submission,
Whisper of love (so) entangled the night, reflect our soul's condition,
This intimacy of night's first love, (so) pure with no ambition,
What more to want, but lusts first love or memories of first night." .......At the very most, you should only use "so" once. Using "so" eliminates the chance for a great simile or metaphor.... the night of love is as pure as ...
or really, you don't need it at all ...whispers of love entangled the night.
That's the only thing wrong with your poem, "so".
Good Luck in the contest!
cheers
Kimbob
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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Hi deepwater
Your poem reminded me of the 1987 movie, "Overboard", starring Goldie Hawn as Joanna Stayton and Kurt Russell as Dean Proffitt. At one point in the movie, the two go out dancing and finally make love for the first time. Joanna asks Dean if it was always like this when they made love. Dean tells her that it always feels like "the first time". Great movie!
I really like your opening line, though I don't think you need the comma...
"This silent night as moonlight sheds, its last rays for the dawn,"
I also like this line,
"Your fragrance lingers upon my lips"
But you have made a common mistake. You use "so" too many times.
"This silent night as moonlight sheds, its last rays for the dawn,
A ring of gold lay on your hand, with passion, your virtue, (so) pure,
Your fragrance lingers upon my lips, from kisses all (so) true,
Our bodies charged from endless tease, this first night love with you,
How sublime your body yearned for endless love, the awe of all submission,
Whisper of love (so) entangled the night, reflect our soul's condition,
This intimacy of night's first love, (so) pure with no ambition,
What more to want, but lusts first love or memories of first night." .......At the very most, you should only use "so" once. Using "so" eliminates the chance for a great simile or metaphor.... the night of love is as pure as ...
or really, you don't need it at all ...whispers of love entangled the night.
That's the only thing wrong with your poem, "so".
Good Luck in the contest!
cheers
Kimbob
Comment Written 04-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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Thank you for this
Comment from Auroraboreal800
Very sensual and romantic. Excellent use of words. I like the positive power in this poem. This piece is so graphology, I love the clear message and the lovely image.
Good luck in the contest!
:)
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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Very sensual and romantic. Excellent use of words. I like the positive power in this poem. This piece is so graphology, I love the clear message and the lovely image.
Good luck in the contest!
:)
Comment Written 04-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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Thank you for this
Comment from Max Edon
Another lovely poem. Try as I might, my free verse poems are never very good. Good free verse is very hard to write. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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Another lovely poem. Try as I might, my free verse poems are never very good. Good free verse is very hard to write. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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thank you Max
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You are welcome
Comment from mermaids
I like how the opening line mentions the moon which adds to the romance of the poem. I am also amazed by your rhyming of words which is smooth and flows almost like a song. You capture the feel of love and our bodies charged with endless tease gives me goosebumps. Your words create vivid emotions and images.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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I like how the opening line mentions the moon which adds to the romance of the poem. I am also amazed by your rhyming of words which is smooth and flows almost like a song. You capture the feel of love and our bodies charged with endless tease gives me goosebumps. Your words create vivid emotions and images.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2014
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thank you for this Mermaids