Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Chapter 2 Part One"Can love survive small town gossip?
71 total reviews
Comment from mtngalofnc
Hi barbara,
Enjoyed the chapter. It has a nice easy flow and the pace is well set with your characters just getting aquainted. Your dialogue is excellent and I saw no spag. You also are doing a great job with the rumble of gossip within a small town. Thank you for sharing.
Becky
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Hi barbara,
Enjoyed the chapter. It has a nice easy flow and the pace is well set with your characters just getting aquainted. Your dialogue is excellent and I saw no spag. You also are doing a great job with the rumble of gossip within a small town. Thank you for sharing.
Becky
Comment Written 01-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from reshwity
The pause is lost after the "Ok, I came to see you." Maybe throw in a "but"
He sounds very young at the beginning almost awkward like a teenager asking a girl out. Is that on purpose?
Love the conversation at the picnic, very believable and draws you in.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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The pause is lost after the "Ok, I came to see you." Maybe throw in a "but"
He sounds very young at the beginning almost awkward like a teenager asking a girl out. Is that on purpose?
Love the conversation at the picnic, very believable and draws you in.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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I will check out that area. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Ann Smith
I enjoyed the read, and can relate to what it's like in a small town. Everybody knows your business. It's especially hard for girls who have children before they are married. Even though people act like it doesn't matter, sometime or other they mention it. I think the sentence, I was too drunk to realize what just happened(,) needs a comma at that point. It's so easy to miss one or two at times, and I don't understand why reviewers give fours for something like that. I have had a couple of fours lately just for missing a comma and a hyphen. Oh well, that's life I guess. ann
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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I enjoyed the read, and can relate to what it's like in a small town. Everybody knows your business. It's especially hard for girls who have children before they are married. Even though people act like it doesn't matter, sometime or other they mention it. I think the sentence, I was too drunk to realize what just happened(,) needs a comma at that point. It's so easy to miss one or two at times, and I don't understand why reviewers give fours for something like that. I have had a couple of fours lately just for missing a comma and a hyphen. Oh well, that's life I guess. ann
Comment Written 01-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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It's not fair when they do that. I set my own rules for giving 4's four - 7 mistakes, 8 -11 mistakes a 43, ect. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Good chapter, I enjoyed reading the chapter. It was full of action and left me with a lot of questions. I did not find any spag. Good job.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Good chapter, I enjoyed reading the chapter. It was full of action and left me with a lot of questions. I did not find any spag. Good job.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
The picture you used is an excellent choice, because I already imagined Sara looking a lot like that. And yes, word gets around fast in a small town. At least Sara doesn't have to wear a scarlet letter. Also, I remember Matt from your last novel, Tantalizing Eyes.
I enjoyed this read and have a couple of suggestions:
"Sara chewed on her lower lip, {before she asked},..." You don't really need the words in braces. This is obviously Sara's question, and it is certainly one to chew a lower lip over before asking.
"While engaged in sex, my roommate, Matt Patterson, walked in on us." This is a dangling participle. The roommate who walked in was not having sex. I'd write, "While we were having sex, my roommate, Matt Patterson, walked in on us."
Dave
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Barbara,
The picture you used is an excellent choice, because I already imagined Sara looking a lot like that. And yes, word gets around fast in a small town. At least Sara doesn't have to wear a scarlet letter. Also, I remember Matt from your last novel, Tantalizing Eyes.
I enjoyed this read and have a couple of suggestions:
"Sara chewed on her lower lip, {before she asked},..." You don't really need the words in braces. This is obviously Sara's question, and it is certainly one to chew a lower lip over before asking.
"While engaged in sex, my roommate, Matt Patterson, walked in on us." This is a dangling participle. The roommate who walked in was not having sex. I'd write, "While we were having sex, my roommate, Matt Patterson, walked in on us."
Dave
Comment Written 01-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Thank you for catching those. I use the Task Force for many of my novles, but characters and setting change. We still get a glimpse of the former heros and heroins. I always appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from L.lora
typo='Sara glanced at Joe and tilted her [h(e)ad].'
This is an excellent addition.
Through your artfully discriptive
naratives and well fitting dialogue
we learn more about the characters
personalities, tempermants and
values. Very nicely done, enjoyable
and looking forward to your next post.
Lora
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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typo='Sara glanced at Joe and tilted her [h(e)ad].'
This is an excellent addition.
Through your artfully discriptive
naratives and well fitting dialogue
we learn more about the characters
personalities, tempermants and
values. Very nicely done, enjoyable
and looking forward to your next post.
Lora
Comment Written 01-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Thank you for catching the typo. I can't believe I did that. I appreciate your review and support.
Comment from animatqua
Shoot. I did a review and lost it. Anyway, I like what you are doing with the story. I read chapter one, and like the follow up work you are doing here. The characters are realistic. Joe, Sara, the town (I see the town acquiring a status of its own, here) and the ilk of the people in the town are all and making their individual attachments to my interest.
I think I marked this one to keep so I can follow the chapters as you post them. I haven't been active on site for long, so I'm having some trouble navigating it.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Shoot. I did a review and lost it. Anyway, I like what you are doing with the story. I read chapter one, and like the follow up work you are doing here. The characters are realistic. Joe, Sara, the town (I see the town acquiring a status of its own, here) and the ilk of the people in the town are all and making their individual attachments to my interest.
I think I marked this one to keep so I can follow the chapters as you post them. I haven't been active on site for long, so I'm having some trouble navigating it.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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I have problems navigating this site, myself. I understand what you are saying. I appreciate your review.
Comment from Belinda
I like the interaction and conversation between Sara and Joe, how they 'measure' each other. I especially like the gentleman in Joe. You've also described the unforgiving nature of small town folks. I think it is similar here too. Interesting chapter, Barbara.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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I like the interaction and conversation between Sara and Joe, how they 'measure' each other. I especially like the gentleman in Joe. You've also described the unforgiving nature of small town folks. I think it is similar here too. Interesting chapter, Barbara.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from EllieKaye
Hi Barbara,
Your story seems to be developing a relationship that might have a spark later on. I liked the waitress' comment about Sara and how you showed how Joe reacted.
I noticed a few things I thought I'd point out. I hope it helps.
She hesitated[no comma] before she sat in the yellow Porsche.
"There's nine years difference in our ages.
[what do you think here? I think the difference belongs to the number ie: nine years' difference.]
"You're having a difficult time thinking of an answer[.]" [S]he interrupted his pause.
One more thing I suggest is to not begin so many sentences with pronouns. Use Joe's name instead. Sara's too. If you take a look at the opening of some of the later lines, many of them begin the same way.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Hi Barbara,
Your story seems to be developing a relationship that might have a spark later on. I liked the waitress' comment about Sara and how you showed how Joe reacted.
I noticed a few things I thought I'd point out. I hope it helps.
She hesitated[no comma] before she sat in the yellow Porsche.
"There's nine years difference in our ages.
[what do you think here? I think the difference belongs to the number ie: nine years' difference.]
"You're having a difficult time thinking of an answer[.]" [S]he interrupted his pause.
One more thing I suggest is to not begin so many sentences with pronouns. Use Joe's name instead. Sara's too. If you take a look at the opening of some of the later lines, many of them begin the same way.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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I have taken so many hits for using their names. I don't know what to do now. I will recheck them. Thank you for your review.
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If I allow too many hes or shes, my boss slaps my wrist. (Not really, but there's a fine balance there.) But then again, many romance writers don't use the names often because the reader likes to imagine herself as the female character. I suggest you go with your own style, but shake it up a bit. It's all in how the lines are laid out. I think you could get away with it if maybe you moved wording around a bit so to not begin so many sentences with he or she. :)
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I just combined a paragraph that was really obivious, and was able to take out one he took. The paragraph before it started with he took.
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No matter what, when you submit this for publishing, an editor will look at it. Every story is handed to an editor. Just go with what feels right to you and give yourself a couple weeks then go back and take a fresh look. It helps! :) You're doing a great job of telling this story. Best wishes to you.
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I wrote this story about 3 years ago. About every other month I would review it with fresh eyes and I still missed things.
Comment from c_lucas
This is a very well written chapter with a smooth flow of words, making for a very easy read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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This is a very well written chapter with a smooth flow of words, making for a very easy read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your review and support.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie