Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Part two Chapter four"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
90 total reviews
Comment from teacherdub
Bobby's violence peaks again. The storyline here is at a fever pitch. The groundwork was laid well for this event, and the sudden appearance of the gray haired lady paves the way for the transition into the next part of the chapter. The word choices are well thought out. Anxious to read the rest. td (No errors found.)
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Bobby's violence peaks again. The storyline here is at a fever pitch. The groundwork was laid well for this event, and the sudden appearance of the gray haired lady paves the way for the transition into the next part of the chapter. The word choices are well thought out. Anxious to read the rest. td (No errors found.)
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from bhogg
Hi Barbara - I know that I'm always reluctant to use the "F" bomb, but it would have fit here. A short post, but very necessary to bridge to your next. Warm regards, Bill
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Hi Barbara - I know that I'm always reluctant to use the "F" bomb, but it would have fit here. A short post, but very necessary to bridge to your next. Warm regards, Bill
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Thank you for your kind review. You're always a sweet southern gentlemen.
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Barbara, I'm sure the ending of this chapter is the right place to break the story. A writer knows. So, after this interesting chapter there will be another soon. Btw the nurse is clever ...
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Hi, Barbara, I'm sure the ending of this chapter is the right place to break the story. A writer knows. So, after this interesting chapter there will be another soon. Btw the nurse is clever ...
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from alsaleh
This post is short as you pointed out, yet it does move the story forward. No wasted words and the story developed well. We were able to see the husband's violent nature and Anna's fear and helplessness. We could tell she will need help urgently and sense that maybe there is help after all. (Sometimes in real life there is not, unfortunately.) My attention did not wander and I certainly would like to read more.
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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This post is short as you pointed out, yet it does move the story forward. No wasted words and the story developed well. We were able to see the husband's violent nature and Anna's fear and helplessness. We could tell she will need help urgently and sense that maybe there is help after all. (Sometimes in real life there is not, unfortunately.) My attention did not wander and I certainly would like to read more.
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Often in real life there is no help. Thank you for your kind review and insight.
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I thinks you I will follow tyour writing. I'll be honored if you read mine. Thanks. Al
Comment from Ryn Martin
1. "His dark demon eyes glared at Anna."
While this does work, I think this could be changed sot hat is has more impact. In my eyes (ha!), this sentence could work as a lightning rod for the rest of what you've written in this chapter. So, perhaps, maybe, you could adjust the wording. An example/idea off the top of my head:
"His dark eyes glared at Anna.
Do you see how it has a little more "oompf" to it? Is what I'm saying making any sense?
2. You start out with a tense mood, but the dialogue doesn't initially work. What I mean is, you start with "His dark demon eyes glared at Anna" which is a fairly tense beginning. The reader assumes something is going to happen, or such. But, you go on to have the following dialogue:
-"I bonded out, no thanks to you. I'm getting my son. Where's he at?" He glanced around the room."-
While decent, it just doesn't seem to carry the same intensity. It feels a bit like he went from angry and violent, to...almost, ambivalent.
Am I making sense? Both points really come down a stylistic thing and are entirely up to you.
***
Everything else looks fine. I don't see any spelling problems, nor any other issues of note.
Great job, and best of luck.
~R
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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1. "His dark demon eyes glared at Anna."
While this does work, I think this could be changed sot hat is has more impact. In my eyes (ha!), this sentence could work as a lightning rod for the rest of what you've written in this chapter. So, perhaps, maybe, you could adjust the wording. An example/idea off the top of my head:
"His dark eyes glared at Anna.
Do you see how it has a little more "oompf" to it? Is what I'm saying making any sense?
2. You start out with a tense mood, but the dialogue doesn't initially work. What I mean is, you start with "His dark demon eyes glared at Anna" which is a fairly tense beginning. The reader assumes something is going to happen, or such. But, you go on to have the following dialogue:
-"I bonded out, no thanks to you. I'm getting my son. Where's he at?" He glanced around the room."-
While decent, it just doesn't seem to carry the same intensity. It feels a bit like he went from angry and violent, to...almost, ambivalent.
Am I making sense? Both points really come down a stylistic thing and are entirely up to you.
***
Everything else looks fine. I don't see any spelling problems, nor any other issues of note.
Great job, and best of luck.
~R
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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I will take another look at your suggestions. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from essence56
Once again my favorite has done it again. I don't care how short or long, it has me on edge and starving for moore. This is why I am your fan girl. Very good and as always, need no revisions.
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Once again my favorite has done it again. I don't care how short or long, it has me on edge and starving for moore. This is why I am your fan girl. Very good and as always, need no revisions.
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from quashdog
Sometimes strangers are of more comfort to a victim of spousal abuse than kin folk who are always making excuses for the abuser. This short piece of a chapter quickly made me have a stong dislike for this Booby dude.
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Sometimes strangers are of more comfort to a victim of spousal abuse than kin folk who are always making excuses for the abuser. This short piece of a chapter quickly made me have a stong dislike for this Booby dude.
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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I am glad. I don't want anybody to like him at all. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from JW
This chapter is well written. It reads so realistically it literally sends chills down one spines. In seeing the pressing situation, it's a good thing the volunteer is there to help.
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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This chapter is well written. It reads so realistically it literally sends chills down one spines. In seeing the pressing situation, it's a good thing the volunteer is there to help.
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from axelbeariter
You'll never see him again and you'll pay me child support. You're so stupid you won't make it without me."/That's a little awkward, unless you want to portray Bobby as stupid. You'd think he would want Anna to do well financially, so she could afford to pay him child support--Your call, but if it's the former you might want to indicate that pseudo-oxtmoronic situation----The nurse smiled. "Neither of you do. He's a bully. I recognize the type. My best friend used to date a man like him." She patted Anna's arm. "I made it up to give you more time to decide what you're going to do, but you'd better hurry."/Nice ploy----Great job.
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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You'll never see him again and you'll pay me child support. You're so stupid you won't make it without me."/That's a little awkward, unless you want to portray Bobby as stupid. You'd think he would want Anna to do well financially, so she could afford to pay him child support--Your call, but if it's the former you might want to indicate that pseudo-oxtmoronic situation----The nurse smiled. "Neither of you do. He's a bully. I recognize the type. My best friend used to date a man like him." She patted Anna's arm. "I made it up to give you more time to decide what you're going to do, but you'd better hurry."/Nice ploy----Great job.
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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I know somebody who Bobby is patterned after. It's very realistic. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from stanishmichelle
How can Bobby even think he'll get custody of a child he shows no love for, and child support too! Has he forgotten he is an abusive animal/husband Quick thinking on the nurse's part. Ellen Collier may be another good samaritan. The story is short, but interesting as always.
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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How can Bobby even think he'll get custody of a child he shows no love for, and child support too! Has he forgotten he is an abusive animal/husband Quick thinking on the nurse's part. Ellen Collier may be another good samaritan. The story is short, but interesting as always.
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Thank you for the kind review and support.