Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "O mother dear"A book of Poetry & Writing
101 total reviews
Comment from Artist Dilemma
It is as beautiful as sadness goes. Th words written are incised with so much grief and hope that you can only admire the bravery they show while facing the foe,quote:-we go hand to hand. It is a remarkable poem, I would have called it a couplet for the first to lines only which don't rhyme, which for me it is not important. Beautiful!
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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It is as beautiful as sadness goes. Th words written are incised with so much grief and hope that you can only admire the bravery they show while facing the foe,quote:-we go hand to hand. It is a remarkable poem, I would have called it a couplet for the first to lines only which don't rhyme, which for me it is not important. Beautiful!
Comment Written 13-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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Thank you
Comment from rjuselius
this is an exquisite piece of peotic art! and the imagery is breath-taking! as is the message. war is futile and brings so much devastation.
thank you for sharing!
rebekka x
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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this is an exquisite piece of peotic art! and the imagery is breath-taking! as is the message. war is futile and brings so much devastation.
thank you for sharing!
rebekka x
Comment Written 13-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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Thank you for the review Rebekka
Comment from Kingsland
This is a good poem except for the last line in it. I don't find any grace in dying on a battlefield. But the meaning of the entire poem is one that soldiers face in war... John
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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This is a good poem except for the last line in it. I don't find any grace in dying on a battlefield. But the meaning of the entire poem is one that soldiers face in war... John
Comment Written 13-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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Thanks John
Comment from kiwijenny
In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
This is what your poem reminds me of..Flanders field in ww1 where poppies grow.. This has become a rallying cry so we do not forget.. Your poem is a powerful tribute to the kids that die in war. I wish I had a six for it
God bless
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
This is what your poem reminds me of..Flanders field in ww1 where poppies grow.. This has become a rallying cry so we do not forget.. Your poem is a powerful tribute to the kids that die in war. I wish I had a six for it
God bless
Comment Written 13-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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Thank you for this jenny
Gary
Comment from gypsycaravan
You chose a subject that is on my mind frequently. It seems so senseless for our patriots to be bleeding on foreign soil when it is their own people of those lands who often cower and let us do their fighting. At some point, our nation must stop being the world's caretaker. Your verse is written beautifully, both technically and lyrically. Thank you for posting.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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You chose a subject that is on my mind frequently. It seems so senseless for our patriots to be bleeding on foreign soil when it is their own people of those lands who often cower and let us do their fighting. At some point, our nation must stop being the world's caretaker. Your verse is written beautifully, both technically and lyrically. Thank you for posting.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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Thank you
Comment from rosehill (Wendy)
How gently you have written about the march to death so many have taken in defense of a country or ideal. It is both negative and noble, heroic and a horror. The photo is the perfect foil, all the beauty juxtaposed with the ugliness to come. Great read. - Wendy
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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How gently you have written about the march to death so many have taken in defense of a country or ideal. It is both negative and noble, heroic and a horror. The photo is the perfect foil, all the beauty juxtaposed with the ugliness to come. Great read. - Wendy
Comment Written 13-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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Thanks again Wendy
Comment from rama devi
Thanks for un-muting me. As you know, I always give honest reviews showing both pluses and minuses. I am also always willing to return and re-review after revisions.
This is a powerful poem. Potent theme explored with apt intensity and strong imagery. The tone suits the tenor of your theme. Some lines are eloquent. This has six star potential, but needs fine tuning, IMHO.
The flow is excellent read aloud (though some of the commas make it choppy, visually). Good rhyming too. I am wondering how come the first two lines so not rhyme, when all other rhyme pairs fall in succession? It still reads fine read aloud, but I recommend making the first two lines rhyme as well--so the rhyme scheme is more consistent.
Some suggestions:
* Death and dying lay(lie) all around,(no ,) the fields where poppies grow.
We fight this hell and pray to God, (no ,) we will make it through this day
But faith is lost, remembering the cost of thousands died this way.
"O mother dear" carries in the wind from cries,(no ,) as men go down,(.)
The fields are red from blood we bleed that seeps into this ground.
My time has come to meet the foe,(;) we go hand to hand(.)
But what of me,(?) m(M)y time is done, laying here upon this land.
How time will tell of the kids that fell,(no ,) within this hallowed place
We fell and died upon this field in sight of God and grace.
The punctuation suggestions are based on ordinary prose rules. poetic licence permits using alternatives, but I do not think the unnecessary commas serve your poem well.
I strongly recommend fixing the tense shift issue in line one.
With above suggestions:
Death and dying lie all around the fields where poppies grow.
We fight this hell and pray to God we will make it through this day
But faith is lost, remembering the cost of thousands died this way.
"O mother dear" carries in the wind from cries as men go down.
The fields are red from blood we bleed that seeps into this ground.
My time has come to meet the foe; we go hand to hand.
But what of me? My time is done, laying here upon this land.
How time will tell of the kids that fell within this hallowed place
We fell and died upon this field in sight of God and grace.
Bravo on these lines--nice internal rhyme, too:
But faith is lost, remembering the cost of thousands died this way.
"O mother dear" carries in the wind from cries, as men go down,
and the exceptional closing line:
We fell and died upon this field in sight of God and grace.
Enjoyed your poem. I hope you will not mute me again for the honest rating but consider the suggestions carefully. I will be happy to upgrade if you revise at least a bit...not necessarily all of my suggestions, of course.
With Best Wishes,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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Thanks for un-muting me. As you know, I always give honest reviews showing both pluses and minuses. I am also always willing to return and re-review after revisions.
This is a powerful poem. Potent theme explored with apt intensity and strong imagery. The tone suits the tenor of your theme. Some lines are eloquent. This has six star potential, but needs fine tuning, IMHO.
The flow is excellent read aloud (though some of the commas make it choppy, visually). Good rhyming too. I am wondering how come the first two lines so not rhyme, when all other rhyme pairs fall in succession? It still reads fine read aloud, but I recommend making the first two lines rhyme as well--so the rhyme scheme is more consistent.
Some suggestions:
* Death and dying lay(lie) all around,(no ,) the fields where poppies grow.
We fight this hell and pray to God, (no ,) we will make it through this day
But faith is lost, remembering the cost of thousands died this way.
"O mother dear" carries in the wind from cries,(no ,) as men go down,(.)
The fields are red from blood we bleed that seeps into this ground.
My time has come to meet the foe,(;) we go hand to hand(.)
But what of me,(?) m(M)y time is done, laying here upon this land.
How time will tell of the kids that fell,(no ,) within this hallowed place
We fell and died upon this field in sight of God and grace.
The punctuation suggestions are based on ordinary prose rules. poetic licence permits using alternatives, but I do not think the unnecessary commas serve your poem well.
I strongly recommend fixing the tense shift issue in line one.
With above suggestions:
Death and dying lie all around the fields where poppies grow.
We fight this hell and pray to God we will make it through this day
But faith is lost, remembering the cost of thousands died this way.
"O mother dear" carries in the wind from cries as men go down.
The fields are red from blood we bleed that seeps into this ground.
My time has come to meet the foe; we go hand to hand.
But what of me? My time is done, laying here upon this land.
How time will tell of the kids that fell within this hallowed place
We fell and died upon this field in sight of God and grace.
Bravo on these lines--nice internal rhyme, too:
But faith is lost, remembering the cost of thousands died this way.
"O mother dear" carries in the wind from cries, as men go down,
and the exceptional closing line:
We fell and died upon this field in sight of God and grace.
Enjoyed your poem. I hope you will not mute me again for the honest rating but consider the suggestions carefully. I will be happy to upgrade if you revise at least a bit...not necessarily all of my suggestions, of course.
With Best Wishes,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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Thanks
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Your welcome. Do let me know if you make revisions...happy to revisit :)
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I mute you again for disrespect to a person you alway rewrite poems to your liking this is the US we have free speech here
Comment from Eric1
Hi Gary, beautifully poignant and wonderfully written poem about the first world war, your wonderful words are heartfelt and in memory of all those brave men who fell in two world wars. Great writing my friend.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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Hi Gary, beautifully poignant and wonderfully written poem about the first world war, your wonderful words are heartfelt and in memory of all those brave men who fell in two world wars. Great writing my friend.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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Thank you Eric for the review and the six mate
Gary
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Great poem Gary, you earned it!
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Deepwater,
Remarkable piece of War and History Poetry transparently displaying its theme!
Wording is impressive and perfectly matching.
Smooth and captivating flow having musical rhythm from top to bottom.
Lovely rhyming scheme and lively imagery.
The most striking lines are:
"O mother dear" carries in the wind from cries, as men go down,
The fields are red from blood we bleed that seeps into this ground."
Excellent!
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
|
Hello Deepwater,
Remarkable piece of War and History Poetry transparently displaying its theme!
Wording is impressive and perfectly matching.
Smooth and captivating flow having musical rhythm from top to bottom.
Lovely rhyming scheme and lively imagery.
The most striking lines are:
"O mother dear" carries in the wind from cries, as men go down,
The fields are red from blood we bleed that seeps into this ground."
Excellent!
Comment Written 13-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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Thank you RP
Comment from MisinformedPoet
This is a really great reminder to us to be grateful to all the men and women who have lost their lives in the many wars. I love the alliteration in the line: 'The fields are red from blood we bleed.'
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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This is a really great reminder to us to be grateful to all the men and women who have lost their lives in the many wars. I love the alliteration in the line: 'The fields are red from blood we bleed.'
Comment Written 13-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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Thank you for this