Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Chapter 12; part one"Can love survive small town gossip?
82 total reviews
Comment from Pablo Lema
I think its a great piece, just some minor suggestions:
"He loves you and believes he needs to return Cassie so you'll return his love." I really think that id this was implied in action instead of explained by one character to another the story would really benefit. I mean, show me that this man is doing this to earn this woman's love, don't tell me.
Another example of this:
"Matt assessed Derek's wound wasn't life threatening and notified the men outside to get him." Here I'm trying to get deeper into the action, maybe some dialogue about the wound would do the trick but telling me its not life threatening gets me out of the scenario too quickly, it kills the intensity you set us up for.
Overall great piece.
Good luck!
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reply by the author on 05-Dec-2010
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I think its a great piece, just some minor suggestions:
"He loves you and believes he needs to return Cassie so you'll return his love." I really think that id this was implied in action instead of explained by one character to another the story would really benefit. I mean, show me that this man is doing this to earn this woman's love, don't tell me.
Another example of this:
"Matt assessed Derek's wound wasn't life threatening and notified the men outside to get him." Here I'm trying to get deeper into the action, maybe some dialogue about the wound would do the trick but telling me its not life threatening gets me out of the scenario too quickly, it kills the intensity you set us up for.
Overall great piece.
Good luck!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2010
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I think the action in your first concern is the entire novel. I will change the second in. I usually get into to trouble for too much dialogue. I think this a first for me not having enough.
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written and I like the drama and action you have included. Your chapter has a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. Good job.
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reply by the author on 05-Dec-2010
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This is very well written and I like the drama and action you have included. Your chapter has a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. Good job.
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Comment Written 05-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie