The Executioner's Tale, Part I
Christmas is a terrible day for an execution21 total reviews
Comment from --Turtle.
Hey, Jay,
I wanted to let you know I read through this tale, and enjoyed, though my resistant brain isn't cooperating to formulate coherent thoughts.
Things I enjoyed, you have a neat way with making the situation ethereal. Here we have an upset executioner and his wife... toying with the reader that something is upsetting this executioner, and that the Christmas date is significant (maybe beyond the Christmas spirit), as well as the fact that the king is . Little motions and visuals add unique characteristics to each character, even down to the executioner cursing, and the wife eventually taking her husbands side.
We also get to see the prisoner who will be executed, a teacher... a crime that feels week by today's standards, but also ... persecution of education is high in the same breath.
The exchange from the priest gives me icky vibes... feels a perversion of things that are sane.
"You're worried." She flattened her other hand on his chest.
(really like the flattened, strong motion that portrays emotion and the behavior of a wife and husband)
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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Hey, Jay,
I wanted to let you know I read through this tale, and enjoyed, though my resistant brain isn't cooperating to formulate coherent thoughts.
Things I enjoyed, you have a neat way with making the situation ethereal. Here we have an upset executioner and his wife... toying with the reader that something is upsetting this executioner, and that the Christmas date is significant (maybe beyond the Christmas spirit), as well as the fact that the king is . Little motions and visuals add unique characteristics to each character, even down to the executioner cursing, and the wife eventually taking her husbands side.
We also get to see the prisoner who will be executed, a teacher... a crime that feels week by today's standards, but also ... persecution of education is high in the same breath.
The exchange from the priest gives me icky vibes... feels a perversion of things that are sane.
"You're worried." She flattened her other hand on his chest.
(really like the flattened, strong motion that portrays emotion and the behavior of a wife and husband)
Comment Written 16-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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Yeah, Turtle, there isn't a whole lot to think about in the first part--just the shock of having to behead someone on Christmas and what he is trying to keep from his wife. The symbolism starts falling into place in the second part. Thanks for reading this, Turtle.
Comment from Bill Schott
I am fully engrossed (no pun intended) by the Executioner's anger, his wife's suggestion of splitting, the Prisoner's bitterness, and the priest's typical spiel. I am assuming that the prisoner's knowledge of muscle groups relates to his being an educator.
Everything seems to place the time in a medieval setting, but nothing definitely does that. This leaves me expecting a stunning conclusion, as I'm certain I will find.
I waited until I could concentrate on your story, Jay, and enjoy it.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2020
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I am fully engrossed (no pun intended) by the Executioner's anger, his wife's suggestion of splitting, the Prisoner's bitterness, and the priest's typical spiel. I am assuming that the prisoner's knowledge of muscle groups relates to his being an educator.
Everything seems to place the time in a medieval setting, but nothing definitely does that. This leaves me expecting a stunning conclusion, as I'm certain I will find.
I waited until I could concentrate on your story, Jay, and enjoy it.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2020
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You don't know how important your review is to me. I said it all in my comments to your review for Part II, but this I value because it shows your expectation of being rewarded by Part II.
A thousand thanks.
Comment from Ulla
Oh dear, Jay, this is serious stuff indeed. It is also very well written. I loved the interaction between the priest and the prisoner. But I will reserve judgement until I've read the next chapter. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2020
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Oh dear, Jay, this is serious stuff indeed. It is also very well written. I loved the interaction between the priest and the prisoner. But I will reserve judgement until I've read the next chapter. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 08-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2020
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Thank you, Ulla. I think you'll enjoy the finish.
Comment from Adri7enne
Wow! That's a pretty hairy little story. Probably happened very much like that in the early days of Christianity. There was a line that almost led me to believe it was happening today. If we have to fight the Churches again, kill me now. Lol! Really well done, Jay. The emotions and reactions sound totally possible. You write with a nice, easy flow, moving ideas along. Well done, Jay. Going to check for the next one.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2020
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Wow! That's a pretty hairy little story. Probably happened very much like that in the early days of Christianity. There was a line that almost led me to believe it was happening today. If we have to fight the Churches again, kill me now. Lol! Really well done, Jay. The emotions and reactions sound totally possible. You write with a nice, easy flow, moving ideas along. Well done, Jay. Going to check for the next one.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2020
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Thanks heaps for the 6 stars, Adrienne. I'm so pleased you found it worthy.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
SSSSSStunning--I read these chapters in reverse order--you used of two of my stash of sixes--well-spent--sssssspectacularly witty--dialog and depiction of characters--brilliant! Cheerssssss. LIZ
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2020
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SSSSSStunning--I read these chapters in reverse order--you used of two of my stash of sixes--well-spent--sssssspectacularly witty--dialog and depiction of characters--brilliant! Cheerssssss. LIZ
Comment Written 08-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2020
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I am so honored and humbled, Elizabeth. Here it is Sunday, and you're down to four sixes. Look at me. I'm blushing.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I have no clue where this came from, but it was written extremely well. The descriptions were very good as was the emotion. You did an excellent job describing the characters. I wish I had a six left.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2020
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I have no clue where this came from, but it was written extremely well. The descriptions were very good as was the emotion. You did an excellent job describing the characters. I wish I had a six left.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2020
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Who in the world would have a 6 left on Saturday if one reads a lot here. Thanks for your compliments--that's six enough!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Jay,
I enjoyed this post. It's good to see your work on here again.
I liked the juxtaposition of these two scenes. The happening which will bring the two participants together, before separating them again... permanently! lol
The scenes are well-depicted and a great tonal quality to the write.
I look forward to the conclusion.
G
would you like me to read to from the Word?" - reads a little awkwardly here. Missing word? to you?
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2020
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Hi Jay,
I enjoyed this post. It's good to see your work on here again.
I liked the juxtaposition of these two scenes. The happening which will bring the two participants together, before separating them again... permanently! lol
The scenes are well-depicted and a great tonal quality to the write.
I look forward to the conclusion.
G
would you like me to read to from the Word?" - reads a little awkwardly here. Missing word? to you?
Comment Written 07-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2020
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OMG, thanks for your eagle-eye, Gareth. You don't know how many times my eyes skimmed over the top of that sentence, testing it for flow, without catching the missed word. I appreciate it my friend.
Comment from djsaxon
Gonna lay the six pack on this but it's not without hiccups mister. Thing is, there is a dark visceral feel to this from the get go that scares the crap out of me as a reader. As it should. Have to say that it is too long. I hung in, but many of our fellow Fanstorians hiding in Poets Corner would struggle. For many of them even a 5 7 5 presents a challenge.
Some nit picks:
She laid her hand on his upper arm (and spread her fingers across its mass). "Will you be all right?" Lose the qualifier in brackets.
Crossing the room to the table, she stood in the lantern light. (her silver-streaked hair to her waist). Lose the stuff in brackets. Unnecessary over write.
Powerful write - DJ
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2020
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Gonna lay the six pack on this but it's not without hiccups mister. Thing is, there is a dark visceral feel to this from the get go that scares the crap out of me as a reader. As it should. Have to say that it is too long. I hung in, but many of our fellow Fanstorians hiding in Poets Corner would struggle. For many of them even a 5 7 5 presents a challenge.
Some nit picks:
She laid her hand on his upper arm (and spread her fingers across its mass). "Will you be all right?" Lose the qualifier in brackets.
Crossing the room to the table, she stood in the lantern light. (her silver-streaked hair to her waist). Lose the stuff in brackets. Unnecessary over write.
Powerful write - DJ
Comment Written 06-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2020
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Well, DJ, about the length, I can't apologize for that. But it does confirm my decision to have done it in two segments. Yes, its original formatting was one long 3300-word short story. I divided it at a natural place, which was roughly halfway through. It's a shame about the short attention span on FS, but it's similar on other sites.
You had some very valid concerns about what you call the qualifiers. The first, I will have to look at more closely. The second, however, created exactly the image I wanted. I don't consider it unnecessary or an overwrite. Without stating her age, I wanted to evoke the feeling of age through the description, just as in your first suggestion, I wanted to show his muscular bulk without saying he was muscular.
But DJ, I do honor and appreciate your criticism, so keep it coming--though I know you will even without the invitation. LOL. Thanks, pal.
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Thanks jay for validating my review. Itis a powerful write, DJ
Comment from Seshadri_Sreenivasan
I thought I was watching a period movie as I read this story.Quite engrossing! The gory details are definitely disturbing for the faint-hearted. I have a feeling you are going to come out with a surprise ending and make the reader heave a sigh of relief. great job! Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2020
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I thought I was watching a period movie as I read this story.Quite engrossing! The gory details are definitely disturbing for the faint-hearted. I have a feeling you are going to come out with a surprise ending and make the reader heave a sigh of relief. great job! Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 06-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2020
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Hmmmm, maybe not a sigh of relief... Thanks, Seshadri for reading this and for your kind words.
Comment from Rosemary wanjiru
Wow, a thrilling tale, it's beautiful, sad, and horrifying at the same time. I love how different themes are interwoven. It's captivating, I can't wait to read the next chapter. Well done
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2020
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Wow, a thrilling tale, it's beautiful, sad, and horrifying at the same time. I love how different themes are interwoven. It's captivating, I can't wait to read the next chapter. Well done
Comment Written 05-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2020
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What generous and kind words, Rosemary. I hope you enjoy the conclusion as well.