Revisit The Sins of the Grandfather
Viewing comments for Prologue "The Insatiable Countess Dracula"The Tracks of a Poem To a Play
31 total reviews
Comment from DeboraDyess
Well, Jay, that was horrifying. Personalizing it with the young girl was masterful.
I wanted to read and congratulate you on your third place win, although I think I would have moved you up a bit. Your tale was well-researched and written with excellence.
Blessings,
Deb
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2021
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Well, Jay, that was horrifying. Personalizing it with the young girl was masterful.
I wanted to read and congratulate you on your third place win, although I think I would have moved you up a bit. Your tale was well-researched and written with excellence.
Blessings,
Deb
Comment Written 31-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2021
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Thank you, Deb. I'm happy you liked it. That's the way of contests. I've given up trying to outguess the judges.
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear jay, if you wish to write a horror story you could not have picked a better subject to describe how debased a human being can become. This was not a happy read, but a very educational one.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2021
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Dear jay, if you wish to write a horror story you could not have picked a better subject to describe how debased a human being can become. This was not a happy read, but a very educational one.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2021
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I tried to tone it back. Thank you for reading and for your shiny stars.
Comment from Bill Schott
This in-depth revealing of this woman's debauchery, which you assembled from various sources, is made more interesting and compelling with your addition of your character.
The first-person observation of the horrors gives greater dimension as to what the senses are exposed.
The idea of a lawyer to protect the otherwise unforgivable Erzsebet is well placed for a comparison of justice.
Overall, the entirety of the monstrous story of this insane woman was presented with your satire lightly seasoning the rotting flesh of the victims.
A great read while the grandkids nap.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2021
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This in-depth revealing of this woman's debauchery, which you assembled from various sources, is made more interesting and compelling with your addition of your character.
The first-person observation of the horrors gives greater dimension as to what the senses are exposed.
The idea of a lawyer to protect the otherwise unforgivable Erzsebet is well placed for a comparison of justice.
Overall, the entirety of the monstrous story of this insane woman was presented with your satire lightly seasoning the rotting flesh of the victims.
A great read while the grandkids nap.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2021
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Bless you, Bill! You seemed to have zoomed in on what I was intending this tale to do, the effects I wanted to leave on the reader. A bedtime story for the grand while you're watching re-runs of " Big Bang Theory." Thanks, Bill.
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
This Countess Erzsebet Bathory and her cohort, Anna Darvolya were truly wicked women. Even considering factors such as a bad childhood, these ladies had a ravenous appetite for causing pain and suffering to other women and especially girls, and apparently an endless tolerance for the disgusting and macabre. They went out of their way to inflict agony and cause death to others. There is no excuse.
You have written a believable account of a story that could easily have happened in their domain and domicile. If I didn't already believe in the existence of pure evil and the devil personified, this type of story would be sufficient to convince me, because it's on a level with deeds done in Nazi Germany, although it's not on the same large scale.
Just a few spags, if you're interested:
(Some accounts set the trial at 1609, one on January 1611).
-->
(Some accounts set the trial at 1609, one in January 1611).
Missing from the accounts I read was any mention of the fate of Anna Darvolya's.
-->
Missing from the accounts I read was any mention of the fate of Anna Darvolya.
Crimes and Punishment, (a pictorial encyclopedia of aberrant behavior.) Vol. 4,
-->
Crimes and Punishment, (a pictorial encyclopedia of aberrant behavior) Vol. 4,
I don't know who is pictured in your illustration, but it does appear to be contemporaneous with your story. I'm guessing that it's one of the two ladies responsible for the carnage described above. I wouldn't want to meet either one of them in a dark alley, or really, in any situation whatsoever. I just wouldn't want to be close to someone so diabolical.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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This Countess Erzsebet Bathory and her cohort, Anna Darvolya were truly wicked women. Even considering factors such as a bad childhood, these ladies had a ravenous appetite for causing pain and suffering to other women and especially girls, and apparently an endless tolerance for the disgusting and macabre. They went out of their way to inflict agony and cause death to others. There is no excuse.
You have written a believable account of a story that could easily have happened in their domain and domicile. If I didn't already believe in the existence of pure evil and the devil personified, this type of story would be sufficient to convince me, because it's on a level with deeds done in Nazi Germany, although it's not on the same large scale.
Just a few spags, if you're interested:
(Some accounts set the trial at 1609, one on January 1611).
-->
(Some accounts set the trial at 1609, one in January 1611).
Missing from the accounts I read was any mention of the fate of Anna Darvolya's.
-->
Missing from the accounts I read was any mention of the fate of Anna Darvolya.
Crimes and Punishment, (a pictorial encyclopedia of aberrant behavior.) Vol. 4,
-->
Crimes and Punishment, (a pictorial encyclopedia of aberrant behavior) Vol. 4,
I don't know who is pictured in your illustration, but it does appear to be contemporaneous with your story. I'm guessing that it's one of the two ladies responsible for the carnage described above. I wouldn't want to meet either one of them in a dark alley, or really, in any situation whatsoever. I just wouldn't want to be close to someone so diabolical.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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That was an excellent job of close editing, Mary Kay. I appreciate that. I have gone through and made the corrections. I'm glad you enjoyed (if that's a word to be used with such a horrific subject), reading this tale.
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I'm sorry, Mary Kay, but I tried to nominate you for your fine review, but found I had already given out my allotted 6 for the month. You were deserving.
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Yes, you're right, "enjoyed" would be a strange word for it, but I did appreciate your excellent coverage of the topic and the information about this period in history. I don't fully understand why we (you, me or most of us) have a curiosity about such things, but I think partly, we have a need to understand the things we fear. I think the inclusion of the word "Dracula" is what prompted me to read the story, as I asked myself, "When, and in what form, could such a person have existed?" I think some of the things those people did were actually worse than the actions of fictional vampires! It's very hard to comprehend the existence of true evil, but there it is. It makes me so grateful that there is a God of love, mercy, goodness, grace, holiness and forgiveness, and that I know Him! May He bless you.
- Mary Kay
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Thank you so much, Jay, for thinking of me for the nomination. I appreciate it very much, even though it wasn't possible to do it. I appreciate it just the same!
Comment from Goodadvicechan
The story is a well written taletelling piece. There must be a lot efforts put in the research to come out with this piece.
Reading part the following letter is soul saddening: ""three hundred girls and women . . . put to death in an inhuman and cruel manner. The Countess cut their flesh and made them grill it; later she would make them eat bits of their own bodies."
Happy and Healthy 2021.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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The story is a well written taletelling piece. There must be a lot efforts put in the research to come out with this piece.
Reading part the following letter is soul saddening: ""three hundred girls and women . . . put to death in an inhuman and cruel manner. The Countess cut their flesh and made them grill it; later she would make them eat bits of their own bodies."
Happy and Healthy 2021.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your kind words, and the marvelous stars!
Comment from Goodadvicechan
The story is a well written taletelling piece. There must be a lot efforts put in the research to come out with this piece.
Reading part the following letter is soul saddening: ""three hundred girls and women . . . put to death in an inhuman and cruel manner. The Countess cut their flesh and made them grill it; later she would make them eat bits of their own bodies."
Happy and Healthy 2021.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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The story is a well written taletelling piece. There must be a lot efforts put in the research to come out with this piece.
Reading part the following letter is soul saddening: ""three hundred girls and women . . . put to death in an inhuman and cruel manner. The Countess cut their flesh and made them grill it; later she would make them eat bits of their own bodies."
Happy and Healthy 2021.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your kind words, and the marvelous stars!
Comment from DSchlosser
Very detailed account for Emika, which I'm sure was extremely terrifying for any woman being brought to be tortured and killed by Erzsebet. It definitely makes the imagination formulate the image that Emika would have seen after being thrown into that room.
I found just a couple minor mistakes in the story. Here: "All letters. Recovered from Count Nadady's effects after his death."
I noticed that the count's name was misspelled.
And here: "that revealed the wear of someone who pored over them regularly"
Pored should be poured. Great story!
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Very detailed account for Emika, which I'm sure was extremely terrifying for any woman being brought to be tortured and killed by Erzsebet. It definitely makes the imagination formulate the image that Emika would have seen after being thrown into that room.
I found just a couple minor mistakes in the story. Here: "All letters. Recovered from Count Nadady's effects after his death."
I noticed that the count's name was misspelled.
And here: "that revealed the wear of someone who pored over them regularly"
Pored should be poured. Great story!
Comment Written 18-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Thank you for catching the misspell of the count's name. I'll have to check it out. As far as pore vs pour, my dictionary defines "pore" as "be absorbed in the reading or study of." Like Desert and Dessert, I'm always looking them up.
Thank you for reading and for the shiny stars.
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Okay, i've always seen the spelling as poured. I will be sure to check my dictionary as well. Sometimes specific words have different meanings i've never seen before.
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You're not alone! I'm old as dirt. I used to be a great speller. Now I look at common words and see a jumble of meaningless letters.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Jay,
I read through this horror, editorial. I recall watching fascinated during one of the many murder shows (like forensic files,) and a short mention of this lady came up, and I got caught in, (I believe I was vacuuming at the time) and I recall turning off my vacuum and standing there getting caught up in the story.
Similar happened for me here, where I was reading, and the normal... continual operations of my brain sort of switched off and I just started absorbing information and effect. This is likely the combination of the way you wove the story and the story itself. Nice use of Emika for the horror and bringing the reader closer to the emotions, while also using the pov to keep the facts and distance aligned as well.
I really enjoyed reading this, and it's stacked in a way where I can't really poke at things, so went with six stars. Entertaining, and it reacquainted me with my dark fascination with a woman who was able to get away with horrendous activities as she did.
My thoughts along the way:
Strong opening paragraph.
that seemed not to move, "Soon, my dove, soon."
(the opening paragraphs were filled with eye catching details. It gives the image of maybe something going wrong, as the girl is no longer finding warmth from her mother, she's small and vulnerable?)
We have the right to do whatever we wish with those who are beneath us." (I like this as it helps set an understanding as to how the numbers kept stacking, because like cattle... poor people kinda don't count)
# # #
(The second clippet gives a sense of history and tone. How the rich saw the poor. Yet Emika not being poor highlights a turning point in a long run of death. I like the jump as it made me curious to keep going, though it also interrupts the story.)
As the stately(-)robed Anna Darvolya led her young charge down the
(not sure)
arm and threw her through the opening.
(Nice job with the horror element here. It's a sad image, a small girl being flung into a seeming dungeon, and with the rag, I knew that it couldn't smell good)
But, still reeling from her ordeal, acid rising to her throat, she looked up anyway. (Strong visuals and motions, solid horror elements)
Some things are beyond the adolescent mind's ability to process.
(A sentence that secures the sense the pov is not hers)
thought would be his cousin, Erzsebet Bathory, engaging in one of those bizarre sexual escapades so rumored in the villages surrounding the castle. (? Was this an echo, intentional?) because I thought I just read that he was disappointed not to catch her in a rumored sexual orgie)
The scribe paused his quill to retch, wiped his mouth with his sleeve, and [he] struggled to keep up. (sentence would be smoother without the he, I thought here)
There were no cats here. Neither was there any recent sign of Erzsebet.
(Strong visuals and pacing. Gruesome images all holding my attention.)
something. It looked like dried blood. "What is your name, child?"
(I like the consistency of the pov, and the effective way it is used.)
# # #
little girl's ordeal to her bewildered Mama and Papa.
(her mama and papa? because of the her?)
accusation had Erzsebet pouring cold water over the naked maidens, of
(this lady was ... wow.)
Here, the defense attorney would have (likely)? stolen a sideward glance saw Count Thurzo shuffling through papers on his desk.
(Meaning that his trap had not been set)
don't require explication here."
(Maybe he could have restructured the defense as proof the Count warped his young wife's mind?)
Kept in ribbon(-)?bound stacks in Countess Erzsebet's personal chamber.
no insanity plea.
(though, insane or not... yikes)
cruel manner. The Countess cut their flesh and{ }made them grill it;
(some sort of extra spaces hiding in here.)
horizontal slot through which food and water were passed.
(If she wasn't insane before, she probably was after)
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Hi, Jay,
I read through this horror, editorial. I recall watching fascinated during one of the many murder shows (like forensic files,) and a short mention of this lady came up, and I got caught in, (I believe I was vacuuming at the time) and I recall turning off my vacuum and standing there getting caught up in the story.
Similar happened for me here, where I was reading, and the normal... continual operations of my brain sort of switched off and I just started absorbing information and effect. This is likely the combination of the way you wove the story and the story itself. Nice use of Emika for the horror and bringing the reader closer to the emotions, while also using the pov to keep the facts and distance aligned as well.
I really enjoyed reading this, and it's stacked in a way where I can't really poke at things, so went with six stars. Entertaining, and it reacquainted me with my dark fascination with a woman who was able to get away with horrendous activities as she did.
My thoughts along the way:
Strong opening paragraph.
that seemed not to move, "Soon, my dove, soon."
(the opening paragraphs were filled with eye catching details. It gives the image of maybe something going wrong, as the girl is no longer finding warmth from her mother, she's small and vulnerable?)
We have the right to do whatever we wish with those who are beneath us." (I like this as it helps set an understanding as to how the numbers kept stacking, because like cattle... poor people kinda don't count)
# # #
(The second clippet gives a sense of history and tone. How the rich saw the poor. Yet Emika not being poor highlights a turning point in a long run of death. I like the jump as it made me curious to keep going, though it also interrupts the story.)
As the stately(-)robed Anna Darvolya led her young charge down the
(not sure)
arm and threw her through the opening.
(Nice job with the horror element here. It's a sad image, a small girl being flung into a seeming dungeon, and with the rag, I knew that it couldn't smell good)
But, still reeling from her ordeal, acid rising to her throat, she looked up anyway. (Strong visuals and motions, solid horror elements)
Some things are beyond the adolescent mind's ability to process.
(A sentence that secures the sense the pov is not hers)
thought would be his cousin, Erzsebet Bathory, engaging in one of those bizarre sexual escapades so rumored in the villages surrounding the castle. (? Was this an echo, intentional?) because I thought I just read that he was disappointed not to catch her in a rumored sexual orgie)
The scribe paused his quill to retch, wiped his mouth with his sleeve, and [he] struggled to keep up. (sentence would be smoother without the he, I thought here)
There were no cats here. Neither was there any recent sign of Erzsebet.
(Strong visuals and pacing. Gruesome images all holding my attention.)
something. It looked like dried blood. "What is your name, child?"
(I like the consistency of the pov, and the effective way it is used.)
# # #
little girl's ordeal to her bewildered Mama and Papa.
(her mama and papa? because of the her?)
accusation had Erzsebet pouring cold water over the naked maidens, of
(this lady was ... wow.)
Here, the defense attorney would have (likely)? stolen a sideward glance saw Count Thurzo shuffling through papers on his desk.
(Meaning that his trap had not been set)
don't require explication here."
(Maybe he could have restructured the defense as proof the Count warped his young wife's mind?)
Kept in ribbon(-)?bound stacks in Countess Erzsebet's personal chamber.
no insanity plea.
(though, insane or not... yikes)
cruel manner. The Countess cut their flesh and{ }made them grill it;
(some sort of extra spaces hiding in here.)
horizontal slot through which food and water were passed.
(If she wasn't insane before, she probably was after)
Comment Written 18-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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You should have been one of those radio ring-announcers who had to give a blow-by-blow account of the fight. You do that with your crits. So helpful, Turtle. I'll check out those suggestions and take care of the errant spaces. Thanks so much for the six!
Comment from Gloria ....
This is so very well written, Jay. The most telling line being: Remember, our family is of royal blood. We have the right to do whatever we wish with those who are beneath us.
I think there remains among us more than a few still of that view, even though it must be quite the challenge to avoid teachings to the opposite in today's world. In the days of Erzsebet, I can imagine it much easier to sidestep those moralizing thoughts.
I liked your POV of a historian that enables the "tale" to unfold with a kind of objectivity.
A superb entry into this contest and I wish you great luck with the voters. :)
Gloria
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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This is so very well written, Jay. The most telling line being: Remember, our family is of royal blood. We have the right to do whatever we wish with those who are beneath us.
I think there remains among us more than a few still of that view, even though it must be quite the challenge to avoid teachings to the opposite in today's world. In the days of Erzsebet, I can imagine it much easier to sidestep those moralizing thoughts.
I liked your POV of a historian that enables the "tale" to unfold with a kind of objectivity.
A superb entry into this contest and I wish you great luck with the voters. :)
Gloria
Comment Written 18-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Thank you, Gloria. Your reviews are always so pertinent. Yes, being somewhat objective kept the story from slipping into gore for its own sake.
Comment from Mrs. KT
Hello Jay,
What an excrutiatingly disturbing offering to read - one which captured my attention from the very beginning.
You pace your offering very well. Definitely horrific in theme, tone, story line and characterization. After I read your exceptionally well-crafted offering, I did more research about Bathory. You covered all of her bases.
God! Such depravity!
Thank you for sharing!
diane
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Hello Jay,
What an excrutiatingly disturbing offering to read - one which captured my attention from the very beginning.
You pace your offering very well. Definitely horrific in theme, tone, story line and characterization. After I read your exceptionally well-crafted offering, I did more research about Bathory. You covered all of her bases.
God! Such depravity!
Thank you for sharing!
diane
Comment Written 18-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Your words mean so much to me, Diane; to know that you were moved enough to research the Countess more, afterward. You couldn't have given me a more meaningful compliment. Thank you so much. And the 6! An added dollop!
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My pleasure!
I'll probably have nightmares tonight, but ... wow! Just wow!
Have a wonderful week!
diane