Haunting Presents
There is always someone who cares.7 total reviews
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
Hi Mia,
That is an intriguing 80 words, certainly not ordinary. I think the beginning would have been more arresting if you'd switched the first sentence around so that the reader learn about the sister's suicide first and the general cruel and heartless condition of the world after. I wonder if you want to characterize the loss of a sister as baggage? Yes you carry it with you always, but isn't it more like a hole in your life that doesn't close?
"Respawned, Tina tugged on her shackles, forced to relive her sister's pain the night she found her bleeding out in the bathtub." I don't understand the use of the word "respawned," here, what exactly do you mean and why is Tina shackled? Is she trying to kill herself too? The whole sentence is a bit of a mystery to me, except that it does tell me how Tina's sister killed herself. Incidentally, why is the sister unnamed?
I also think the last part is awkward and confusing because of your use of the pronoun "she," it was difficult for me to figure out who you were referring to in some parts. Was it Tina or the sister?
Of course, as a writing prompt this has all sorts of great possibilities. I hope you flesh it out and make a story of it.
reply by the author on 09-May-2022
   |
Hi Mia,
That is an intriguing 80 words, certainly not ordinary. I think the beginning would have been more arresting if you'd switched the first sentence around so that the reader learn about the sister's suicide first and the general cruel and heartless condition of the world after. I wonder if you want to characterize the loss of a sister as baggage? Yes you carry it with you always, but isn't it more like a hole in your life that doesn't close?
"Respawned, Tina tugged on her shackles, forced to relive her sister's pain the night she found her bleeding out in the bathtub." I don't understand the use of the word "respawned," here, what exactly do you mean and why is Tina shackled? Is she trying to kill herself too? The whole sentence is a bit of a mystery to me, except that it does tell me how Tina's sister killed herself. Incidentally, why is the sister unnamed?
I also think the last part is awkward and confusing because of your use of the pronoun "she," it was difficult for me to figure out who you were referring to in some parts. Was it Tina or the sister?
Of course, as a writing prompt this has all sorts of great possibilities. I hope you flesh it out and make a story of it.
Comment Written 07-May-2022
reply by the author on 09-May-2022
-
Respawned means to be regenerated.
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
I'm not sure but this contest haunts my deep opinions. I have no laughter in my answers for sure. This comment must be about suicide. I would answer this, if my sister committed suicide would I follow? No.
reply by the author on 09-May-2022
|
I'm not sure but this contest haunts my deep opinions. I have no laughter in my answers for sure. This comment must be about suicide. I would answer this, if my sister committed suicide would I follow? No.
Comment Written 06-May-2022
reply by the author on 09-May-2022
-
Thank you for taking the time to review my work.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I think even a stranger would help someone who was committing suicide and none of us like to think of someone killing themselves, a haunting write, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 06-May-2022
|
I think even a stranger would help someone who was committing suicide and none of us like to think of someone killing themselves, a haunting write, love Dolly x
Comment Written 06-May-2022
reply by the author on 06-May-2022
-
Haunting indeed.
Comment from Wendy G
Interesting question! the pain is recycled if yet another goes down that path. You told the story well, while allowing the reader to draw his own conclusions. Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
reply by the author on 06-May-2022
|
Interesting question! the pain is recycled if yet another goes down that path. You told the story well, while allowing the reader to draw his own conclusions. Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
Comment Written 06-May-2022
reply by the author on 06-May-2022
-
Thank you.
Comment from Haylee Hemphill
Hello!
This is a chilling piece. Very well written story in only 80 words. Gave me goosebumps. I feel for all who have lost someone to suicide.
One Love
Haylee
reply by the author on 06-May-2022
|
Hello!
This is a chilling piece. Very well written story in only 80 words. Gave me goosebumps. I feel for all who have lost someone to suicide.
One Love
Haylee
Comment Written 05-May-2022
reply by the author on 06-May-2022
-
Thank you for taking the time to review.
Comment from lancellot
Could she save Mary Beth before she did the same?
- who is Mary Beth?
- What does it mean respawned?
There is not enough content or information to build horror or a thriller here. The reader first has to try to figure out, what is happening, but then it is over.
I suggest looking this over again.
reply by the author on 06-May-2022
|
Could she save Mary Beth before she did the same?
- who is Mary Beth?
- What does it mean respawned?
There is not enough content or information to build horror or a thriller here. The reader first has to try to figure out, what is happening, but then it is over.
I suggest looking this over again.
Comment Written 05-May-2022
reply by the author on 06-May-2022
-
Respawned means to be regenerated in a form. And as it talked about her sister through the piece, the name Mary Beth would apply to her.
Comment from Carolyn Dooley
In my previous neighborhood, several people killed themselves. Which is a shame. I do not understand how someone could kill themselves. However, we are all different. We do not think the same. Thank you for the awareness. Have a great night.
reply by the author on 06-May-2022
|
In my previous neighborhood, several people killed themselves. Which is a shame. I do not understand how someone could kill themselves. However, we are all different. We do not think the same. Thank you for the awareness. Have a great night.
Comment Written 05-May-2022
reply by the author on 06-May-2022
-
Thank you for taking the time to review.
-
You are welcome.