The Incomparable Fanny Barnwarmer
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Incomparable Fanny Barnwarmer #9"America's First Female Comic
29 total reviews
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Jay,
I'm late getting to this. Sorry, but I've had a bad cold since Tuesday. A lot of coughing, so I only got about 3 hours sleep last night.
Some fine writing here, as usual. It must take you a lot of extra time to type the slang just so. Laborious, but necessary. It helps define Fanny. She reminds me a bit of our 90 year old neighbor. Mary is a feisty old gal who has no use for the government, local or otherwise. She has little trust for anyone who works for the government.
I get the idea that Fanny is not far from death herself in this scene. She's on her last legs, and I think ELizabeth's passing has a lot to do with it. But she wants the whole story to come out. The truth. There's something big she's going to reveal. And this reporter is going to leave with a terrific story for his boss.
It becomes more and more clear why Elizabeth killed Thurston Flourney. He and the Army of Uriel should have been the ones on trial. I have no use for white supremists! They are no better than Nazis wo killed all those Jews back in World War II.
You're doing a wonderful job with this story, Jay. It's a lot of work. I'd like to see you write this as a novel when you're done the script.
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 19-May-2022
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Hi Jay,
I'm late getting to this. Sorry, but I've had a bad cold since Tuesday. A lot of coughing, so I only got about 3 hours sleep last night.
Some fine writing here, as usual. It must take you a lot of extra time to type the slang just so. Laborious, but necessary. It helps define Fanny. She reminds me a bit of our 90 year old neighbor. Mary is a feisty old gal who has no use for the government, local or otherwise. She has little trust for anyone who works for the government.
I get the idea that Fanny is not far from death herself in this scene. She's on her last legs, and I think ELizabeth's passing has a lot to do with it. But she wants the whole story to come out. The truth. There's something big she's going to reveal. And this reporter is going to leave with a terrific story for his boss.
It becomes more and more clear why Elizabeth killed Thurston Flourney. He and the Army of Uriel should have been the ones on trial. I have no use for white supremists! They are no better than Nazis wo killed all those Jews back in World War II.
You're doing a wonderful job with this story, Jay. It's a lot of work. I'd like to see you write this as a novel when you're done the script.
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 19-May-2022
reply by the author on 19-May-2022
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That's not a bad idea to put the story in novel form. And I'd be able to suggest without showing her dialect. My biggest problem with using dialect is that it tends to make the person seem ignorant. If I'd been able to bring in the scene of her actual performing, her wisdom would have come through her dialect (which would have provided a nice synergy), but I got halfway through writing it when I realized it would detract from the forward momentum of the play and cause it to sag in the middle (like a lullaby to the reading audience).
Again, thank you so much for your review, Kimbob, and the six stars. Your reviews mean more to me than you know.
Comment from K.L. Rockquemore
I enjoyed reading this scene, as it is well written and composed.
I appreciate the presentation as well. The slang is so endearing and authentic, it adds a tremendous amount of texture and life to the scene. As a reader, I felt " part of", the scene itself. I look forward to the next one.
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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I enjoyed reading this scene, as it is well written and composed.
I appreciate the presentation as well. The slang is so endearing and authentic, it adds a tremendous amount of texture and life to the scene. As a reader, I felt " part of", the scene itself. I look forward to the next one.
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Oh, good! You came back. The next couple of scenes will feature some intense surprises for the reader, and then I'll wrap it up with the final curtain. I'm so stoked that you're enjoying it.
Comment from robyn corum
Jay,
Lovely job on this one. Poor thing. Knowing her poor daddy is up there and having to tell some truths that he'd really rather his family not know. Sad, sad, sad. But this strong lady tells her story well. ha As you certainly know. *smile*
Notes, if I may:
1.) though he didn't know theys(') names.
2.) You know that ain't how proc(e)edin's go.
3.) blackened eyes, to go along with their prank(?)
4.) why theys gonna take theys(') rath out on Mama
5.) Then theys(') gonna kill Daddy.
--> if the others are wrong, I think this one is for sure right. haha
Hugs!
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Jay,
Lovely job on this one. Poor thing. Knowing her poor daddy is up there and having to tell some truths that he'd really rather his family not know. Sad, sad, sad. But this strong lady tells her story well. ha As you certainly know. *smile*
Notes, if I may:
1.) though he didn't know theys(') names.
2.) You know that ain't how proc(e)edin's go.
3.) blackened eyes, to go along with their prank(?)
4.) why theys gonna take theys(') rath out on Mama
5.) Then theys(') gonna kill Daddy.
--> if the others are wrong, I think this one is for sure right. haha
Hugs!
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Thank you, Robyn, for all your catches in this. Frankly, I hadn't even considered the apostrophes with her dialect, though they certainly should apply as well.
Comment from Theodore McDowell
Excellent post about the trial. Well-written from a dialogue perspective and you kept the dialogue true to the protagonist's character. Well-done!!!!!!!!
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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Excellent post about the trial. Well-written from a dialogue perspective and you kept the dialogue true to the protagonist's character. Well-done!!!!!!!!
Comment Written 17-May-2022
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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Bless you, Tim. Your review got me over the hump and into ATB for this scene. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Comment from royowen
It seems that script would or could be used in a quite a long stage production, but it would need to be re written for film, with scenes from the past life of our heroine. The interview in one spot might not work. It must be tedious writing in the colloquial way you are, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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It seems that script would or could be used in a quite a long stage production, but it would need to be re written for film, with scenes from the past life of our heroine. The interview in one spot might not work. It must be tedious writing in the colloquial way you are, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 17-May-2022
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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Ohhhhhh, yes, Roy ... It is tedious. But either people are just being kind to this old guy, or many do find it enjoyable (at least to my face). You will discover soon I've found another way to tell Fanny's story. As usual, thank you, sir, for reading and commenting. You are appreciated.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I'll make sure I have a six left for you next week, Jay, I for one, would have continued reading. This is riviting stuff. I love Fanny, she's the salt of the earth. This had to have happened many times back in those awful times, when black people and white sympathisers where hanged just for that reason. It's still happening, but in a different way. The way you write Fanny's part is the way I would expect her to be, she's an amazing character. You bring her alive the way you write her. Now I have to wait until next week, I can't wait. Well done, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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I'll make sure I have a six left for you next week, Jay, I for one, would have continued reading. This is riviting stuff. I love Fanny, she's the salt of the earth. This had to have happened many times back in those awful times, when black people and white sympathisers where hanged just for that reason. It's still happening, but in a different way. The way you write Fanny's part is the way I would expect her to be, she's an amazing character. You bring her alive the way you write her. Now I have to wait until next week, I can't wait. Well done, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 17-May-2022
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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Don't worry about the sixes, Sandra. Yes, Fanny and Bessie have a lot in common. Wisdom can come in halting dialect. Thanks for reading, Sandra!
Comment from country ranch writer
Doing your reviews but not getting paid for doing them,atom says he don't know what I am talking about he claims we are paid automatically idpf so why am I at 87cents fir the last two days that I have done everyone's reviews. I don't get it.
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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Doing your reviews but not getting paid for doing them,atom says he don't know what I am talking about he claims we are paid automatically idpf so why am I at 87cents fir the last two days that I have done everyone's reviews. I don't get it.
Comment Written 17-May-2022
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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I don't know, B.J. I would complain, too, if you are doing reviews and not getting paid for them. Lots of weird things going on!
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You got that right!
Comment from lyenochka
Thanks for continuing and for giving us advice about promoting scripts.
I like how the reporter asked about how Fanny knew her legal terms. I sensed a wink at the reader about Fanny's brilliance. Also, I like how Fanny asks the reporter about his own family to test how much he would understand about her father's predicament.
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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Thanks for continuing and for giving us advice about promoting scripts.
I like how the reporter asked about how Fanny knew her legal terms. I sensed a wink at the reader about Fanny's brilliance. Also, I like how Fanny asks the reporter about his own family to test how much he would understand about her father's predicament.
Comment Written 16-May-2022
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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You caught all I was trying to convey to the reader, Helen. As always, thank you for reading this and demonstrating the parts that connected with you.
Comment from amahra
Thanks for this fine chapter, Jay. I never thought just dialogue between two people could match the excitement of an action scene, but it just shows what dialogue in the hands of an excellent writer can do. Great one, Jay.
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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Thanks for this fine chapter, Jay. I never thought just dialogue between two people could match the excitement of an action scene, but it just shows what dialogue in the hands of an excellent writer can do. Great one, Jay.
Comment Written 16-May-2022
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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Whoa! You know how to turn a guy's head, Amahra! Thank you so much for the lovely words and of course the six stars. You are such a joy!
Comment from John Ciarmello
I loved the way this finished. We found out why Fanny's father had to help the Army, out of fear for his family. If I have member dollars left after my next post, I will send some your way. Thanks for the read, Jay. Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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I loved the way this finished. We found out why Fanny's father had to help the Army, out of fear for his family. If I have member dollars left after my next post, I will send some your way. Thanks for the read, Jay. Best, JohnC
Comment Written 16-May-2022
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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Oh, John, don't. I appreciate your generosity, but you need to look out for your own promotion. I'm just thrilled that you're getting something out of my play. Reading your review is a swell way to wake up in the morning.