Rogachevo, Siberia
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Rogachevo, Siberia"mysterious happenings at A Siberian military base
17 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Gareth!
Dude. Really?
You just took us to this crazy scene and then dropped us? I want to know what happened to Parkman - he seemed to be more important than that, you know? To be killed in the first chapter. Wow. You must be a severe Stephen King fan, right? "kill your darlings, kill your darlings, even when it breaks your egocentric little scribbler's heart, kill your darlings."
--> though evidently, he was not the first to say it! Just found that out!
I enjoyed this and since you have it marked as the first chapter in an ONGOING BOOK, I look forward to seeing what the devil happened!
Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2022
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Gareth!
Dude. Really?
You just took us to this crazy scene and then dropped us? I want to know what happened to Parkman - he seemed to be more important than that, you know? To be killed in the first chapter. Wow. You must be a severe Stephen King fan, right? "kill your darlings, kill your darlings, even when it breaks your egocentric little scribbler's heart, kill your darlings."
--> though evidently, he was not the first to say it! Just found that out!
I enjoyed this and since you have it marked as the first chapter in an ONGOING BOOK, I look forward to seeing what the devil happened!
Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 29-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2022
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I have about seven chapters of this done. It's an older piece I was working on. I opened an old laptop the other day and found loads of incomplete stuff. I also found my plans and notes for this, so we'll see. Many thanks. G
Comment from dmt1967
'He fumbled a hand (onto) his chest, his touch marred by the padded glove. "Where is it?"' (to) otherwise it doesn't make sense, in my opinion.
Great story and I hope you continue the book. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing. Have a great week.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2022
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'He fumbled a hand (onto) his chest, his touch marred by the padded glove. "Where is it?"' (to) otherwise it doesn't make sense, in my opinion.
Great story and I hope you continue the book. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing. Have a great week.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2022
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Many thanks for checking this one out. G
Comment from Pearl Edwards
I felt like I was there with them. A great first chapter full of tension and the frightening aspect of being in polar bear territory. A good spot to leave us with the smell of death and awash in a sea of blood?
Hope you continue this story G. Cheers
Valda
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2022
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I felt like I was there with them. A great first chapter full of tension and the frightening aspect of being in polar bear territory. A good spot to leave us with the smell of death and awash in a sea of blood?
Hope you continue this story G. Cheers
Valda
Comment Written 25-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2022
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There should be more at some point. Much appreciated, as always. G
Comment from LJbutterfly
This is a riveting first chapter filled with action, adventure, suspense, and mystery. It includes extraordinary details with vivid descriptions of the environment. I was surprised and a little disappointed at how little members of the team cared about the loss of a comrade, but I guess the statement, "We're all expendable, right?" meant they all accepted the fact that they might die. Oh well, you just keep moving on.
I hope you continue the story. You stopped at an intriguing cliff hanger.
Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2022
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This is a riveting first chapter filled with action, adventure, suspense, and mystery. It includes extraordinary details with vivid descriptions of the environment. I was surprised and a little disappointed at how little members of the team cared about the loss of a comrade, but I guess the statement, "We're all expendable, right?" meant they all accepted the fact that they might die. Oh well, you just keep moving on.
I hope you continue the story. You stopped at an intriguing cliff hanger.
Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2022
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Much appreciated, my friend. G
Comment from K. Lang-Slattery
This story promises to be full of suspense and action. And, of course, we are ready to know what these soldiers find that is so disgusting.
However, I have to admit, that I couldn't actually feel the tension in my gut and I'm not sure why exactly. The writing is perhaps too "staid" and matter of fact. It doesn't pull me into the scene. "Just the facts" may need some expanding. Maybe a bit of sensual description added. This could be accomplished by using a clear, one-person point of view where everything is seen from the eyes of one of the men.... not necessarily first person, but so that the reader is actually experiencing the action along with the protagonist.
You start with the character of Parkman and I get the sense that he will the window into the action, but when he plunges into the abyss and I felt stranded without him because I hadn't connected to any of the remaining characters. I felt like I was starting over.
I also was taken aback by the callus attitude of the leader that each man is expendable. Not only is that usually not true when the patrol is so small, but it doesn't seem realistic. My son was in the special forces with the U.S Marines and their policy is to (if possible) never leave a man behind. Of course, they sometimes have to leave someone but there would be more concern, and if possible they would at least check up on the injured man and make him comfortable, then return later when possible.
Regarding the polar bears.... did you do research into bear habits? I know Polar Bears are considered extremely dangerous, but most wild animals don't attack unless provoked. So having the bears charge like that without provocation seems strange.
Sometimes you add details because you want the reader to know the fact, but I would suggest trying to blend the information more into the situation in a way that makes is seem important. The example for me was: "Harcastle raised his glint-resistive binoculars and scanned the far coastline." I would suggest something like this: "Harcastle raised his binoculars and scanned the far coastline. The special lenses instantly removed the harsh glare of the white-caps and snow fields. He could see the black outlines of the coast clearly."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
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This story promises to be full of suspense and action. And, of course, we are ready to know what these soldiers find that is so disgusting.
However, I have to admit, that I couldn't actually feel the tension in my gut and I'm not sure why exactly. The writing is perhaps too "staid" and matter of fact. It doesn't pull me into the scene. "Just the facts" may need some expanding. Maybe a bit of sensual description added. This could be accomplished by using a clear, one-person point of view where everything is seen from the eyes of one of the men.... not necessarily first person, but so that the reader is actually experiencing the action along with the protagonist.
You start with the character of Parkman and I get the sense that he will the window into the action, but when he plunges into the abyss and I felt stranded without him because I hadn't connected to any of the remaining characters. I felt like I was starting over.
I also was taken aback by the callus attitude of the leader that each man is expendable. Not only is that usually not true when the patrol is so small, but it doesn't seem realistic. My son was in the special forces with the U.S Marines and their policy is to (if possible) never leave a man behind. Of course, they sometimes have to leave someone but there would be more concern, and if possible they would at least check up on the injured man and make him comfortable, then return later when possible.
Regarding the polar bears.... did you do research into bear habits? I know Polar Bears are considered extremely dangerous, but most wild animals don't attack unless provoked. So having the bears charge like that without provocation seems strange.
Sometimes you add details because you want the reader to know the fact, but I would suggest trying to blend the information more into the situation in a way that makes is seem important. The example for me was: "Harcastle raised his glint-resistive binoculars and scanned the far coastline." I would suggest something like this: "Harcastle raised his binoculars and scanned the far coastline. The special lenses instantly removed the harsh glare of the white-caps and snow fields. He could see the black outlines of the coast clearly."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
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Thanks for reviewing.
I respectfully disagree. The binocular section in particular you suggest is long-winded and telling. It isn't organic.
Polar bears don't generally attack humans. They mainly do so when we encroach on their territory. Reason enough there.
Also this chapter one, there are reasons for the choices which become apparent later.
The no man left behind us nonsense propaganda. That's what MIA means basically.
They're also not all American. This is in this chapter.
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Yes, I understand you points and your reasons. I can only express my feelings on reading the piece. Other readers will find it perfect in tone and wording. Note that my suggestion was only by way of example, NOT an actual suggestion to use my words in your piece.
Comment from Terry Broxson
Gareth, this is an excellent entry for this contest. It will be hard to beat a master of fiction storytelling like you, but good luck in the contest. The interesting part for me was the bears are the antagonists, at least for now.
It will be interesting to see where you take it. Outstanding work. Terry.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2022
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Gareth, this is an excellent entry for this contest. It will be hard to beat a master of fiction storytelling like you, but good luck in the contest. The interesting part for me was the bears are the antagonists, at least for now.
It will be interesting to see where you take it. Outstanding work. Terry.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2022
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Much appreciated, Terry. G
Comment from DeboraDyess
Great first chapter and contest entry.
Just a couple of thoughts, nothing major and certainly just 'thoughts'. :)
In the first bit (as Parkman is fighting with his parachute), you use 'he' at the beginning of several sentences. If you vary this a bit, it will feel less stale. Stale isnt' the right word, exactly, but something like that.
What happened to Parkman? It seems strange that he's the focus, then gone. Are you setting him up to come back? As a reader, I'm curious and maybe confused by this switch.
This reminds me of a scene from Lost World - the book, not the movie. I'm interested to know what kind of monster these guys are facing in the next chapter. Are you planning on completing the book?
Best wishes in the contest and blessings to you,
Deb
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2022
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Great first chapter and contest entry.
Just a couple of thoughts, nothing major and certainly just 'thoughts'. :)
In the first bit (as Parkman is fighting with his parachute), you use 'he' at the beginning of several sentences. If you vary this a bit, it will feel less stale. Stale isnt' the right word, exactly, but something like that.
What happened to Parkman? It seems strange that he's the focus, then gone. Are you setting him up to come back? As a reader, I'm curious and maybe confused by this switch.
This reminds me of a scene from Lost World - the book, not the movie. I'm interested to know what kind of monster these guys are facing in the next chapter. Are you planning on completing the book?
Best wishes in the contest and blessings to you,
Deb
Comment Written 23-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2022
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Many thanks for the insightful review. G
Comment from Thomas Blanks
I liked the story. One thing - Polar bears are stealth hunters and would not roar right before reaching their prey. Who are these guys? They are cold to assume that if one of their own is out of sight, they are dead, so they just leave them... Are they British? Americans wouldn't do that shit. LOL :-)
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
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I liked the story. One thing - Polar bears are stealth hunters and would not roar right before reaching their prey. Who are these guys? They are cold to assume that if one of their own is out of sight, they are dead, so they just leave them... Are they British? Americans wouldn't do that shit. LOL :-)
Comment Written 22-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
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Having been attacked by a polar bear, I can assure you they do roar...
Nah, not really. Ordinary polars generally don't, pizzlys or grolars would depending on which parent raised them and the makeup of the coupling. But you're assuming the bear made the noise, which isn't stated...
The team are different nationalities, as mentioned in the story at least one of them is Irish.
Many thnks
GMG
Comment from Thesis
This story kept my attention from the beginning words. Reading it, one can feel as though they were there walking alongside the characters while the action is taking place.
The team leader, Harcastle is the typical hard ass pushing the team to the objective.
You add human emotion and reaction to the horrific scenes the team is exposed to, making their response very believable. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
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This story kept my attention from the beginning words. Reading it, one can feel as though they were there walking alongside the characters while the action is taking place.
The team leader, Harcastle is the typical hard ass pushing the team to the objective.
You add human emotion and reaction to the horrific scenes the team is exposed to, making their response very believable. Nicely done.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
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Many thanks for the great response to this piece. I do find that if you can hook into relating real emotions then you can get away with almost anything as that is what the reader will identify with. Much appreciated.
GMG
Comment from Mrs. KT
Woah, G!
You certainly held my attention.
Appreciate the attention to detail and the descriptions of the setting and action.
A fine first chapter!
Want to read more!
Thank you for sharing!
Diane
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
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Woah, G!
You certainly held my attention.
Appreciate the attention to detail and the descriptions of the setting and action.
A fine first chapter!
Want to read more!
Thank you for sharing!
Diane
Comment Written 22-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2022
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Many thanks for the great and enthusiastic response. Always appreciated.
GMG