The Piper
Viewing comments for Chapter 47 "The Piper, part 47"Young Adult Fantasy
10 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
Sorry for my delay in reviewing your chapter. I have been sick. An interesting turn of events. I didn't suspect Burkehart has mixed blood. Your chapters are so enjoyable to read, and one of the reasons is your strong and varied verb choice. It might seem like a strange compliment, but the more I read, the more I notice weird things.
Suggestions to consider:
'Both appeared rooted in place. (Both were) set to erupt into action at any instant.' Maybe combine these two into one sentence?
'Summerstorm was wielding a branch like a sword. He blocked a barrage of blows. Summerstorm brought the branch down hard. The blade stuck in the wood. ' So, when I think of a branch wielded like a sword, I think of a slim piece of wood. However, Burkehart's actual sword gets stuck in the wood. Maybe include a little more description of the branch so it works? Oak would be a hardwood and a thick branch?
A well-written and enjoyable chapter.
reply by the author on 25-May-2023
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Sorry for my delay in reviewing your chapter. I have been sick. An interesting turn of events. I didn't suspect Burkehart has mixed blood. Your chapters are so enjoyable to read, and one of the reasons is your strong and varied verb choice. It might seem like a strange compliment, but the more I read, the more I notice weird things.
Suggestions to consider:
'Both appeared rooted in place. (Both were) set to erupt into action at any instant.' Maybe combine these two into one sentence?
'Summerstorm was wielding a branch like a sword. He blocked a barrage of blows. Summerstorm brought the branch down hard. The blade stuck in the wood. ' So, when I think of a branch wielded like a sword, I think of a slim piece of wood. However, Burkehart's actual sword gets stuck in the wood. Maybe include a little more description of the branch so it works? Oak would be a hardwood and a thick branch?
A well-written and enjoyable chapter.
Comment Written 23-May-2023
reply by the author on 25-May-2023
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Hi Faith,
I am so sorry to hear you have been sick. I hope you are recovering well.
Thank you for the comments about the verbs. I am encouraged by it.
Thank you for the suggestions too. I should probably describe Burkehart's sword. This is set in the 1200's so it would have been a broadsword or longsword which requires two hands to wield. They were made for slicing rather that stabbing like latter swords. Good point that I've left sword open to interpretation. I'll check which types of trees there are in the Black Forest in Germany. That is the location of the story.
I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. Thank you for going back to this one.
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
I'd have been lost without the excellent summary of the story so far and the character notes. Thank you for those. The writing is well done and I enjoyed the read. I had a couple of comments which are below, but in general I thought you did a great job, especially with the dialogue.
"You wish." Summerstorm picked up several stones. He threw them in quick succession. Thud, thud, thud.
Burkehart grunted as each one hit him."... This kind of action always gives me pause. Why would an opponent about to engage in mortal combat, pause and watch, let alone allow, his/her rival to stoop, pick up stones (or anything else) and fling then at him/her. It seems more realistic that he/she would attack at the bending down, when the opponent is vulnerable. Action like this...seems unrealistic, and disrupts the story for me.
"He wantered over to the ledge..." I think this is a typo, did you mean wandered?
reply by the author on 12-May-2023
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I'd have been lost without the excellent summary of the story so far and the character notes. Thank you for those. The writing is well done and I enjoyed the read. I had a couple of comments which are below, but in general I thought you did a great job, especially with the dialogue.
"You wish." Summerstorm picked up several stones. He threw them in quick succession. Thud, thud, thud.
Burkehart grunted as each one hit him."... This kind of action always gives me pause. Why would an opponent about to engage in mortal combat, pause and watch, let alone allow, his/her rival to stoop, pick up stones (or anything else) and fling then at him/her. It seems more realistic that he/she would attack at the bending down, when the opponent is vulnerable. Action like this...seems unrealistic, and disrupts the story for me.
"He wantered over to the ledge..." I think this is a typo, did you mean wandered?
Comment Written 12-May-2023
reply by the author on 12-May-2023
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Hi Olivanne Marsh,
Thank you for stopping by to read and give such an excellent review. This is my first fight scene (and maybe my last) so I appreciate your comments about what threw you off in the reading. Based on your feedback, I'll re-write that section so it makes more sense in the fight scene.
I changed wantered to wandered.
I appreciate the help.
Debi
Comment from royowen
I suspect this is not the end, and the flute plays a signicant role, and is sentient in itself, and Piper finds the resolve that the nutty Burkehart won't banke to counter, beautifully written Debi, an excellent post, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : Forward to brace(d) his foot.
reply by the author on 09-May-2023
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I suspect this is not the end, and the flute plays a signicant role, and is sentient in itself, and Piper finds the resolve that the nutty Burkehart won't banke to counter, beautifully written Debi, an excellent post, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : Forward to brace(d) his foot.
Comment Written 09-May-2023
reply by the author on 09-May-2023
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Hi Roy,
Thank you for the kind comments and analysis. The end is not yet, but coming. Thank you for stopping by to read and review. I appreciate the support.
Debi
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Most welcome
Comment from rspoet
Hello Debi,
Another marvelous addition to the story.
Piper has made a quick shift from being unsure of his enchanted flute to wishing he had his flute with himself when danger arrived. :)
The action scene is well done, with the dialogue interspersed to provide needed information for the reader, a common technique in writing and film.
Burkehart turns out to be part troll, elf and human. That's a good decision, otherwise a human would never be able to overcome and elf.
I suspect Summerstorm would still be too great in speed and strength for Burkehart, yet still he tries to defuse the situation.
But, where is Jasmine, the one who wanted to be the guardian of Piper!
Alas, I guess Piper inherited musical talent from his elven parents, but not speed to outrun the Captain.
My only suggestion would be to shorten some of the sentences at the end.
That would increase the action and tension.
Excellent writing.
Best wishes.
Robert
reply by the author on 09-May-2023
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Hello Debi,
Another marvelous addition to the story.
Piper has made a quick shift from being unsure of his enchanted flute to wishing he had his flute with himself when danger arrived. :)
The action scene is well done, with the dialogue interspersed to provide needed information for the reader, a common technique in writing and film.
Burkehart turns out to be part troll, elf and human. That's a good decision, otherwise a human would never be able to overcome and elf.
I suspect Summerstorm would still be too great in speed and strength for Burkehart, yet still he tries to defuse the situation.
But, where is Jasmine, the one who wanted to be the guardian of Piper!
Alas, I guess Piper inherited musical talent from his elven parents, but not speed to outrun the Captain.
My only suggestion would be to shorten some of the sentences at the end.
That would increase the action and tension.
Excellent writing.
Best wishes.
Robert
Comment Written 09-May-2023
reply by the author on 09-May-2023
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Hi Robert,
Thank you for the six stars and the great analysis. I appreciate the encouraging comments about the writing.
Yeah, an elf running from an angry troll, who knows which if faster. I guess we will soon find out.
I will look at shortening those sentences. I think you are right and I appreciate the suggestion. Thank you for remembering the guardian faeries. Jasmine has been busy. She will explain later.
Debi
Comment from Pam (respa)
You didn't disappoint with action in this chapter, Debi. You did a good job with the interaction between Burkehart and Summerstorm. We now learn the true identity of Burkehart and no wonder he is so angry at those in the faerie realm, especially Summerstorm. His assumption that he was Piper's father increased Burkehart's fury that has been smoldering for years.
You do a good job describing how he doesn't age because he is part elemental and also because he lost his brother in a war that had taken place. Piper is distraught and feels like he should do something, but what? He didn't want to change the dynamics of this situation, but finally he needed to act and try to get his flute.
But that puts Piper at the edge of the precipice as he watched his father lose his footing, disappearing over the rim. He is distraught and Burkehart is even angrier as Summerstorm yells for Piper to run, leaving us wondering how this is going to resolve itself. We have to believe in Piper and his flute, and hope the best for Summerstorm, too. Well done!!
reply by the author on 09-May-2023
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You didn't disappoint with action in this chapter, Debi. You did a good job with the interaction between Burkehart and Summerstorm. We now learn the true identity of Burkehart and no wonder he is so angry at those in the faerie realm, especially Summerstorm. His assumption that he was Piper's father increased Burkehart's fury that has been smoldering for years.
You do a good job describing how he doesn't age because he is part elemental and also because he lost his brother in a war that had taken place. Piper is distraught and feels like he should do something, but what? He didn't want to change the dynamics of this situation, but finally he needed to act and try to get his flute.
But that puts Piper at the edge of the precipice as he watched his father lose his footing, disappearing over the rim. He is distraught and Burkehart is even angrier as Summerstorm yells for Piper to run, leaving us wondering how this is going to resolve itself. We have to believe in Piper and his flute, and hope the best for Summerstorm, too. Well done!!
Comment Written 09-May-2023
reply by the author on 09-May-2023
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Hi Pam,
Thank you for the six stars and even more for the analysis of the chapter. I appreciate your thoughtful comments. It is helpful to know how it came across.
Yes, cross your fingers.
Thank you for your continued support. Just a few more chapters to go.
Debi
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You are very welcome and deserving of the stars and review, Debi. I appreciate your reply.
Comment from lyenochka
Oh no!! Poor Piper and poor Summerstorm! I hope his friends will come to the rescue. You did a great job describing the battle which was both physical and verbal. It's interesting that Burkehart is mixed in heritage and unwilling to accept that in himself so he projects his hatred of himself on others. Well done. Sorry I already used up my sixes.
reply by the author on 09-May-2023
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Oh no!! Poor Piper and poor Summerstorm! I hope his friends will come to the rescue. You did a great job describing the battle which was both physical and verbal. It's interesting that Burkehart is mixed in heritage and unwilling to accept that in himself so he projects his hatred of himself on others. Well done. Sorry I already used up my sixes.
Comment Written 09-May-2023
reply by the author on 09-May-2023
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Hi Helen,
Thank you for the virtual six and your reaction to the chapter. You got it about Burkehart. His resentment has been smoldering for years, but he has hidden it well.
I appreciate the support,
Debi
Comment from dellsworthpoet
A neat setting and situation. The narrative stays on point. The language is varied and strong. The images are clear.
Suggestions:
He slashed the sword twice at Summerstorm who jump back to avoid the blade.
A typo "jump" should be jumped.
He looked down the steep lope and the rushing river below.
I assume you meant slope and not "lope".
I would suggest much shorter sentences to stress the immediacy of the situation. Also I find that sentences that start with while usually only point out the obvious. Being together the actions would seem simultaneous.
Thanks for an entertaining read.
reply by the author on 08-May-2023
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A neat setting and situation. The narrative stays on point. The language is varied and strong. The images are clear.
Suggestions:
He slashed the sword twice at Summerstorm who jump back to avoid the blade.
A typo "jump" should be jumped.
He looked down the steep lope and the rushing river below.
I assume you meant slope and not "lope".
I would suggest much shorter sentences to stress the immediacy of the situation. Also I find that sentences that start with while usually only point out the obvious. Being together the actions would seem simultaneous.
Thanks for an entertaining read.
Comment Written 08-May-2023
reply by the author on 08-May-2023
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Hi dellsworthpoet,
I appreciate the encouraging remarks and the suggestions for improvement. I fixed the typos and will look at revisions.
Debi
Comment from Spitfire
What an exciting chapter! I could visualize that fight. You have done a great job of making these other worldly creatures seem real. This would make a great animated movie. I'd like to see how the artist would make Burkhardt look.
I hope you plan to market this when you finish! Send it to Disney!
reply by the author on 08-May-2023
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What an exciting chapter! I could visualize that fight. You have done a great job of making these other worldly creatures seem real. This would make a great animated movie. I'd like to see how the artist would make Burkhardt look.
I hope you plan to market this when you finish! Send it to Disney!
Comment Written 08-May-2023
reply by the author on 08-May-2023
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Hi Shari,
Thank you for the six stars and the amazing comments. I'm not sure what I'll do once it is finished, but you have made my day with your comments!
Debi
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, there was an awful lot of exposition during this fight. Are you sure about doing something so common? Perhaps, another way to fill in the readers could be found. The writing and editing are sound. Nice work.
reply by the author on 08-May-2023
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Hmm, there was an awful lot of exposition during this fight. Are you sure about doing something so common? Perhaps, another way to fill in the readers could be found. The writing and editing are sound. Nice work.
Comment Written 08-May-2023
reply by the author on 08-May-2023
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Hi lancellott,
Excellent point. My first version was blow by blow, which I didn't like. I referenced a couple of ways to write fight scenes which suggested adding dialog. I maybe went overboard.
I appreciate you catching that and will look at other options.
Debi
Comment from JT traveller
This is fantastic. Your descriptive abilities and dialogue really bring to story to look for. Expertly crafted and a thoroughly enjoyable read. The font size is good too. You left me wanting more.
reply by the author on 08-May-2023
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This is fantastic. Your descriptive abilities and dialogue really bring to story to look for. Expertly crafted and a thoroughly enjoyable read. The font size is good too. You left me wanting more.
Comment Written 08-May-2023
reply by the author on 08-May-2023
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Hi JT traveller,
Thank you for the encouraging comments. The thing every writer likes to hear--you want more. Thank you so much.
Debi