Worth Everything
After an accident, friends see each other differently.23 total reviews
Comment from LJbutterfly
You have done a phenomenal job with this Romance Writing Contest entry. The story flows at an even pace without leaving questionable gaps in the story line. Descriptions of scenes are adequate and dialogue is authentic. You put the reader inside the story. There are no grammatical errors and punctuation is impeccable. Your chosen artwork pairs perfectly with the story and intensifies your message. Well done. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2023
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You have done a phenomenal job with this Romance Writing Contest entry. The story flows at an even pace without leaving questionable gaps in the story line. Descriptions of scenes are adequate and dialogue is authentic. You put the reader inside the story. There are no grammatical errors and punctuation is impeccable. Your chosen artwork pairs perfectly with the story and intensifies your message. Well done. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I'm thrilled you enjoyed this story and that it came out so well. I appreciate your feedback. Thank you again. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Lola G
I enjoyed this story of a couple's journey from friends to a closer relationship. The narrator does a great job of letting the reader know he believes he is still in the dreaded Friends Zone. The story progresses and I shared the same worries of Lily's unknown fate and Jeremy's regrets. The longing, re-discovery of each other and coming together in a new relationship was satisfying.
Suggestions for improvement are editorial:
- Tense is mostly in present, even when in flashback scenes. It distracted me.
- Show don't Tell: There are a lot of good details that set the scenes. Example: when the twins come to visit, Jeremy doesn't know how to tell the difference between them but Lily knew (we are told). Give an example that tells me what Lily noticed. This gives a good view into each of the characters' personalities also.
- Cut unnecessary words: This is a little of the above too. The line "...her eyes lit up excitedly...." Cut the word excitedly. Her eyes lit up is enough, especially if the story includes the exact song title or artist. This sets the mood and I see Lily dancing in her seat. Song title can also foreshadow or explain the current situation for added depth.
This is a very moving love story and I enjoyed reading about this couples' journey to find their love.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2023
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I enjoyed this story of a couple's journey from friends to a closer relationship. The narrator does a great job of letting the reader know he believes he is still in the dreaded Friends Zone. The story progresses and I shared the same worries of Lily's unknown fate and Jeremy's regrets. The longing, re-discovery of each other and coming together in a new relationship was satisfying.
Suggestions for improvement are editorial:
- Tense is mostly in present, even when in flashback scenes. It distracted me.
- Show don't Tell: There are a lot of good details that set the scenes. Example: when the twins come to visit, Jeremy doesn't know how to tell the difference between them but Lily knew (we are told). Give an example that tells me what Lily noticed. This gives a good view into each of the characters' personalities also.
- Cut unnecessary words: This is a little of the above too. The line "...her eyes lit up excitedly...." Cut the word excitedly. Her eyes lit up is enough, especially if the story includes the exact song title or artist. This sets the mood and I see Lily dancing in her seat. Song title can also foreshadow or explain the current situation for added depth.
This is a very moving love story and I enjoyed reading about this couples' journey to find their love.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Lola. I'm thrilled you enjoyed this story. Thank you for your suggestions. I appreciate your feedback. Thank you again for commenting. Take care. :D :D
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You are welcome! Always happy to help a fellow writer.
Comment from Jim Wile
This was a very good story which I enjoyed a great deal. You started with a great hook, filled us in with the background of the accident, then took us through Lily's recovery and the effect the whole incident had on both her and Jeremy. It was very well paced as we watched their initial platonic friendship grow into love. Then it took a major incident like the accident to make them both realize their strong feelings for each other.
The dialog was believable and not maudlin as stories like this one sometimes are. The characters were genuine and likable. This was very well done. Jim
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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This was a very good story which I enjoyed a great deal. You started with a great hook, filled us in with the background of the accident, then took us through Lily's recovery and the effect the whole incident had on both her and Jeremy. It was very well paced as we watched their initial platonic friendship grow into love. Then it took a major incident like the accident to make them both realize their strong feelings for each other.
The dialog was believable and not maudlin as stories like this one sometimes are. The characters were genuine and likable. This was very well done. Jim
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Jim. I appreciate your feedback, and I'm thrilled you enjoyed it. I'm delighted it all came together to form a great story. Thank you again for commenting. Take care. :D :D
Comment from karenina
I can see this published... Particularly appealing to YA romance fiction!
Excellent sequencing of events. Genuine insight into the insecurities of this young couple, for believable reasons!
Always happy to embrace a happy ending!
Only one line seemed confusing:
"Uncertainty dances across her face; her lip caught between her lips."
??? I can't conjure that lip between lip expression...
Karenina
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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I can see this published... Particularly appealing to YA romance fiction!
Excellent sequencing of events. Genuine insight into the insecurities of this young couple, for believable reasons!
Always happy to embrace a happy ending!
Only one line seemed confusing:
"Uncertainty dances across her face; her lip caught between her lips."
??? I can't conjure that lip between lip expression...
Karenina
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Karenina. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it. Thank you also for your amazing feedback. Oops, that was supposed to fix "Uncertainty dances across her face; her lip caught between her teeth." I'll need to fix that. Glad you pointed it out. Thank you again. Take care. :D :D
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An easy edit! (I have to do them all the time!)
:)
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Yup. It always amuses me how often these errors, despite us rereading the document multiple times and even giving it to someone else to review, still show up.
Comment from Mintybee
This was a really good romance story. The character's emotions feel real. The development of the romance is believable. Maybe I missed it, but I'm not sure why Jeremy calms himself with...the table of elements, is it? Is he studying for an upcoming science test? Is he heading into the sciences, and it's a simple, rote thing for him to focus on? Since this recitation starts the story, I kept waiting for it to be important. Other than that, I really loved the story, and I think you build realistic, empathetic, deep and organic characters.
Mintybee
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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This was a really good romance story. The character's emotions feel real. The development of the romance is believable. Maybe I missed it, but I'm not sure why Jeremy calms himself with...the table of elements, is it? Is he studying for an upcoming science test? Is he heading into the sciences, and it's a simple, rote thing for him to focus on? Since this recitation starts the story, I kept waiting for it to be important. Other than that, I really loved the story, and I think you build realistic, empathetic, deep and organic characters.
Mintybee
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate your feedback. Yes, Jeremy repeats elements of the periodic chart as a calming device. There's no real significance to it. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it so much. Thank you again for reviewing. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was such a lovely story. Tragic, sad, romantic, it has everything. The ending, with both revealing their true feelings, Lily about her fear that Jeremy wouldn't love her looking like she did, and Jeremy thinking she hated him because of the accident. This was really well written, and a fabulous coming back to FS story. Well done, and good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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That was such a lovely story. Tragic, sad, romantic, it has everything. The ending, with both revealing their true feelings, Lily about her fear that Jeremy wouldn't love her looking like she did, and Jeremy thinking she hated him because of the accident. This was really well written, and a fabulous coming back to FS story. Well done, and good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Sandra. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it. Thank you so much for your feedback; it means a lot to me. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Lisasview
First read of yours and I did so enjoy it... Yes, one must always write and rewrite and hopefully have someone to read their work and edit it so that it reads smoothly.
I seem to start stories but never finish them...but I do write poems and always am super careful to edit...
I am new to this site so I just have a couple of poems posted. If you have the time perhaps you could check out my portfolio..I would appreciate the feedback...
I think you have a winner here....
Lisasview
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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First read of yours and I did so enjoy it... Yes, one must always write and rewrite and hopefully have someone to read their work and edit it so that it reads smoothly.
I seem to start stories but never finish them...but I do write poems and always am super careful to edit...
I am new to this site so I just have a couple of poems posted. If you have the time perhaps you could check out my portfolio..I would appreciate the feedback...
I think you have a winner here....
Lisasview
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I'm thrilled you enjoyed the story. Yes, writers do edit and re-edit constantly, but it's always worth the ending outcome. I'll definitely review more of your work, but I was only able to look at one due to my work schedule, but I can already see you have talent. Thank you again for reading and reviewing. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written romantic story you have penned. You used very good descriptive words and very good imagery with your words. It kept my attention all the way through. I love the ending. Thank you for sharing. love and blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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This is a very well written romantic story you have penned. You used very good descriptive words and very good imagery with your words. It kept my attention all the way through. I love the ending. Thank you for sharing. love and blessings, Teri
Comment Written 19-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Teri. I'm thrilled you enjoyed the story so much. Thank you again for your feedback. I appreciate it. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Paul Manton
Hello A Myers. That took a long time, but it was absolutely worth it, because your story is publishable just as it is. I'm so sorry that I have no 6 star awards left. Utterly believable dialogue - nothing forced or incongruous, characterization spot on, no unnecessary details or sub -plots - it was outstanding. I wish you every success with this and all your subsequent writing.
Best wishes,
Paul
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2023
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Hello A Myers. That took a long time, but it was absolutely worth it, because your story is publishable just as it is. I'm so sorry that I have no 6 star awards left. Utterly believable dialogue - nothing forced or incongruous, characterization spot on, no unnecessary details or sub -plots - it was outstanding. I wish you every success with this and all your subsequent writing.
Best wishes,
Paul
Comment Written 17-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Paul. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it, and I really appreciate your feedback. Really publishable?! Oh wow! That's definitely a dream of mine. I always strive to fictional stories that mimic reality, and I'm so pleased that came across here. Thank you again for reading and reviewing. Take care. :D :D
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
I enjoyed this very much. I felt it flowed well, and in particular the pace was excellent. I just found one illogicality in it. Lily was in a coma, with a breathing tube, then she wakens and speaks, but with no mention of removing the tube - this wouldn't work. kay
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2023
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I enjoyed this very much. I felt it flowed well, and in particular the pace was excellent. I just found one illogicality in it. Lily was in a coma, with a breathing tube, then she wakens and speaks, but with no mention of removing the tube - this wouldn't work. kay
Comment Written 17-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Kay. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it. Thank you for pointing out that illogicality. I totally missed it and will tweak that detail. Thank you again for reading and reviewing. Take care. :D :D