Grave Yard
Detective Dawson digs deep for the truth.18 total reviews
Comment from Goodadvicechan
This is a good opening chapter 1.
The conversation between Dawson and Delmar is very well written. You can tell the story just based on their conversion.
A Grave tomb was dug deeper than normal. It was good enough to bury a total
If three dead's... It is now up to Dowson to find out what happened.
Good luck to your contest e
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2023
  |
This is a good opening chapter 1.
The conversation between Dawson and Delmar is very well written. You can tell the story just based on their conversion.
A Grave tomb was dug deeper than normal. It was good enough to bury a total
If three dead's... It is now up to Dowson to find out what happened.
Good luck to your contest e
Comment Written 24-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2023
-
Thank you, Good Dad. You're reading into the story quite well.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, at this time of the week I'm all out of sixes, but it doesn't mean that I like your chapter any less. It's always a pleasure to see what you'll come up with next. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2023
|
Well, at this time of the week I'm all out of sixes, but it doesn't mean that I like your chapter any less. It's always a pleasure to see what you'll come up with next. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2023
-
You got it, cowboy.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Ok, please tell me you are going to continue with this. You have hooked me with this. I need and want to know more. This was well written and you have created a distinctive voice of Dawson. Great job. Gretchen
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2023
|
Ok, please tell me you are going to continue with this. You have hooked me with this. I need and want to know more. This was well written and you have created a distinctive voice of Dawson. Great job. Gretchen
Comment Written 24-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2023
-
Hello, Gretchen. Oh yes, this will continue as a novel. Thank you for the review and encouragement.
Yard
Comment from Allezw2
Master Yardier,
Nice to see you again.
Like a blast from the past with elements of Sam Spade and the best of "Police Story" when Joseph Wambaugh was still on the LAPD and moonlighting as the network's technical advisor.
A lengthy piece, though tantalizing.
Reeks with a bit of vigilantism by acknowledging off the clock while working an informant.
Wonder if the snack is on a bench seat between them or topping a console common to post '60s autos referencing his gesture for the informant to take the remnants of the side.
Wondering, too, if the give and take might not be a bit more concise? Or is the informant's response off by difficulty responding after an addled understanding his handler's query?
It's easy to read between the lines and picture the scene.
Watching for more.
Nicely done,
Fantasist
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2023
 |
Master Yardier,
Nice to see you again.
Like a blast from the past with elements of Sam Spade and the best of "Police Story" when Joseph Wambaugh was still on the LAPD and moonlighting as the network's technical advisor.
A lengthy piece, though tantalizing.
Reeks with a bit of vigilantism by acknowledging off the clock while working an informant.
Wonder if the snack is on a bench seat between them or topping a console common to post '60s autos referencing his gesture for the informant to take the remnants of the side.
Wondering, too, if the give and take might not be a bit more concise? Or is the informant's response off by difficulty responding after an addled understanding his handler's query?
It's easy to read between the lines and picture the scene.
Watching for more.
Nicely done,
Fantasist
Comment Written 24-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2023
-
Much thanks. Sorry about the delay. I got broached by a side wind from the oblique. As for vigilantism, I don't think so. He will make all of the proper notifications...... up to a point. He is peeling back layers of a homicide. Perhaps even a double homicide. The evidence will lead right to....... Ah, that wouldn't be fair now would it? (;-o))) Yard
-
En passent!
Comment from C. Gale Burnett
This is a great story, and I really like that you are doing the narration in first person. Great character development; I'm already sucked in by Detective Dawson.
I like the rawness of this story; it is realistic (not sugar-coated). Love the dialogue, too. Spot-on.
Your imagery was outstanding; felt like I was listening to and watching a movie.
Graveyards. Who doesn't love a graveyard when it comes to mystery and crime. I visited a few (for reasons of foul play) when accompanying my law enforcement husband back in the day, so your story seems very real to me.
Awesome!
Gale
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2023
|
This is a great story, and I really like that you are doing the narration in first person. Great character development; I'm already sucked in by Detective Dawson.
I like the rawness of this story; it is realistic (not sugar-coated). Love the dialogue, too. Spot-on.
Your imagery was outstanding; felt like I was listening to and watching a movie.
Graveyards. Who doesn't love a graveyard when it comes to mystery and crime. I visited a few (for reasons of foul play) when accompanying my law enforcement husband back in the day, so your story seems very real to me.
Awesome!
Gale
Comment Written 24-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2023
-
Thank you so much for the six. It gives my little pitter-patter heart and tapping fingers, the joy and energy to power on. I am glad you are interested in the story. You will be surprised but not disappointed with the ending. All the best, Yard.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Hi,
This is a great first chapter for a book. You grab the reader's attention from the very start, and keep us hooked throughout.
I like the feel of the story as though from personal experience. I don't know if you were a police officer, but you make your story seem as though you are. You have definitely brought your A Game to this contest.
Take care,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2023
|
Hi,
This is a great first chapter for a book. You grab the reader's attention from the very start, and keep us hooked throughout.
I like the feel of the story as though from personal experience. I don't know if you were a police officer, but you make your story seem as though you are. You have definitely brought your A Game to this contest.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment Written 24-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2023
-
Thank you so much, Rhonda. Yes, I'm retired with a library in my head. I've got the time, so might as well write about it. Glad you picked up on the reality of the darker side of town.
All the best, Yard.
Comment from royowen
I wonder who's worse, the streetwise cop or he crim hardened by a life of running with the evil dudes of this world. It must be a lousy business being like that. I love this slightly involved chapter, but I can see a story in it. This is beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Typo : Before you get a (nickle?) nickel?
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2023
|
I wonder who's worse, the streetwise cop or he crim hardened by a life of running with the evil dudes of this world. It must be a lousy business being like that. I love this slightly involved chapter, but I can see a story in it. This is beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Typo : Before you get a (nickle?) nickel?
Comment Written 23-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2023
-
Good catch, Roy. Thanks.
-
Well done
Comment from lancellot
This is very good. You do a fine job building the atmosphere of a big city. It could be Chicago, New York or LA. I like that he got thirty days for punching a handcuffed perp. The city leaders would hold such a press conference afterwards to pretend to care about the protesters that always come in urban cities. I would suggest a stronger hook at the end, than just a possible two bodies.
Good work, and good luck.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2023
|
This is very good. You do a fine job building the atmosphere of a big city. It could be Chicago, New York or LA. I like that he got thirty days for punching a handcuffed perp. The city leaders would hold such a press conference afterwards to pretend to care about the protesters that always come in urban cities. I would suggest a stronger hook at the end, than just a possible two bodies.
Good work, and good luck.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2023
-
Yes, sir. Thank you very much.
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Okay, I LOVE detective novels, and the first chapter of this one is SOO extremely good! I absolutely, positively WANT to read what's next, so GREAT JOB on your starting point here!! Also, terrific work on character development, good showing-not-telling, and super captivating story line already. I know I am going to enjoy this book. You have a wonderful, easy-flowing style that I like very much.
The one aspect, though, that I feel could use your attention is that you keep changing tenses on us:
He TRIES to open the door (present)
then, shortly after: He YANKED (past)
He SEEMED interested (past)
I beg, "I told ya..." (present) [Also, on that, I'd put a period after 'beg.'
Delmar SQUEEZED the rest of the ketchup (past)
Delmar LICKED his fingers (past)
Then, a few paragraphs later:
I LEAN over and SPEAK (present)
followed immediately by
Delmar UNDERSTOOD the power of the shift (PAST)
So, pick a tense, and stick with it and this wonderful story will flow even better. (Not that you asked, but I, personally, prefer the present tense in crime novels. That way, I feel as if I'm right there with you rather than getting it second-hand from your perspective.)
And there you have it! Note that this assessment of mine has the potential of being worth exactly what you paid for it. haha. I hope you know any suggestions are sent with my utmost respect and a sincere regard for your talent, both delivered with writer-to-writer helpfulness in mind. xo
Please, please post more chapters of this excellent book!!! I will ABSOLUTELY want to read every one!!
In fact, to ensure that I get alerted to exactly that, I am going to sign up to be a fan of your as soon as I finish this review!!
Kindest regards.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
|
Okay, I LOVE detective novels, and the first chapter of this one is SOO extremely good! I absolutely, positively WANT to read what's next, so GREAT JOB on your starting point here!! Also, terrific work on character development, good showing-not-telling, and super captivating story line already. I know I am going to enjoy this book. You have a wonderful, easy-flowing style that I like very much.
The one aspect, though, that I feel could use your attention is that you keep changing tenses on us:
He TRIES to open the door (present)
then, shortly after: He YANKED (past)
He SEEMED interested (past)
I beg, "I told ya..." (present) [Also, on that, I'd put a period after 'beg.'
Delmar SQUEEZED the rest of the ketchup (past)
Delmar LICKED his fingers (past)
Then, a few paragraphs later:
I LEAN over and SPEAK (present)
followed immediately by
Delmar UNDERSTOOD the power of the shift (PAST)
So, pick a tense, and stick with it and this wonderful story will flow even better. (Not that you asked, but I, personally, prefer the present tense in crime novels. That way, I feel as if I'm right there with you rather than getting it second-hand from your perspective.)
And there you have it! Note that this assessment of mine has the potential of being worth exactly what you paid for it. haha. I hope you know any suggestions are sent with my utmost respect and a sincere regard for your talent, both delivered with writer-to-writer helpfulness in mind. xo
Please, please post more chapters of this excellent book!!! I will ABSOLUTELY want to read every one!!
In fact, to ensure that I get alerted to exactly that, I am going to sign up to be a fan of your as soon as I finish this review!!
Kindest regards.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
-
Thank you so much for taking the time to review and comment. Your enthusiasm is a big plus. I think you just kicked the muse into high gear! I made the changes you suggested and you are correct. It reads better in first person. Yard.
-
That's so nice to read; thank you. I'm a teacher, so enthusiasm is my strong suit!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This contest entry is very tea worthy. Thank you for sharing it with us. I didn't find any way to make it better. I can't wait to read more. Good luck with the contest.
Now you have me trapped with two of your stories. I'm off to buy more tea bags.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
|
This contest entry is very tea worthy. Thank you for sharing it with us. I didn't find any way to make it better. I can't wait to read more. Good luck with the contest.
Now you have me trapped with two of your stories. I'm off to buy more tea bags.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2023
-
Well, dear friend, I so appreciate your tea purchases and consumption. I will be changing my focus back to Stone River part 3. It should be up in the next week. When the muse is fired up, I'm all over the board.
-
I enjoy all your writing. You're very good.