Spectre
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Doors"This is book two of a trilogy book 1 "Ghost"
15 total reviews
Comment from EILEEN LAW
A deep scar shows through the writing. Involving the reader to understand the needs desire and wants of the writer. Keep the writing up and I'll look forward to each chapter.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2024
  |
A deep scar shows through the writing. Involving the reader to understand the needs desire and wants of the writer. Keep the writing up and I'll look forward to each chapter.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2024
-
Thank you for your always loyal reviews and always insightful and on par comments. I appreciate your support as always. Thank you so much! Have an awesome evening!
Comment from samandlancelot
Hi Lea,
I love your opening poem, with its soiled body, chains, silent fear, and light of hope ripping fear and shame. It's exceptional!
Excellent intro to your difficult retelling of your mistakes.
I could have easily ended up in prostitution because I didn't think I could do anything else. I was rescued from that life when I met my husband, but I understand how it happens.
I woke (awoke means to wake up, woke means to be aware or pay attention) cold and stiff
Making my way up the side walk (sidewalk - one word)
I answered as o (change 'o' to 'I') followed her to the kitchen.6 (delete '6')
"Sure"I said. "Thanks. What your having." ("Sure," I said. "Thanks. What are you having?" or "Whatever you're having.")
My heart fell like bricks. (This would work better in its own paragraph because she's reacting to another person's dialogue.)
'll put an air mattress in there (insert 'and') give you a blanket and pillow.
My face sagged with relief. (sagged seems like it would go with disappointment and not with relief)
Thank you so much." (change period to comma) I said.
I hope this helps. If you fix your errors, I'll raise your rating. Let me know.
Patricia
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2024
  |
Hi Lea,
I love your opening poem, with its soiled body, chains, silent fear, and light of hope ripping fear and shame. It's exceptional!
Excellent intro to your difficult retelling of your mistakes.
I could have easily ended up in prostitution because I didn't think I could do anything else. I was rescued from that life when I met my husband, but I understand how it happens.
I woke (awoke means to wake up, woke means to be aware or pay attention) cold and stiff
Making my way up the side walk (sidewalk - one word)
I answered as o (change 'o' to 'I') followed her to the kitchen.6 (delete '6')
"Sure"I said. "Thanks. What your having." ("Sure," I said. "Thanks. What are you having?" or "Whatever you're having.")
My heart fell like bricks. (This would work better in its own paragraph because she's reacting to another person's dialogue.)
'll put an air mattress in there (insert 'and') give you a blanket and pillow.
My face sagged with relief. (sagged seems like it would go with disappointment and not with relief)
Thank you so much." (change period to comma) I said.
I hope this helps. If you fix your errors, I'll raise your rating. Let me know.
Patricia
Comment Written 26-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2024
-
Hi, Patricia. Thank you very much as always, you are helpful, practical and offers solid solutions and corrections for which I rely upon. Also, great to see you come up again too after being away. As you may know, punctuation is not my strong suit, so thank you very much for that! I have gone ahead, made the corrections and a change to the area where it says my face sagged. Thank you again so very much for your time and for taking me initiative to write this out for me.Thank you so much!
-
I raised your rating, Lea. Have a good night!
-
Thank you!
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Your writing dives so deeply into the raw emotions of survival. I love the way you've shared moments of hope. I really like how you showed the warmth of the sun and the bluebells. The way you describe each situation is so well done. Great job!
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2024
|
Your writing dives so deeply into the raw emotions of survival. I love the way you've shared moments of hope. I really like how you showed the warmth of the sun and the bluebells. The way you describe each situation is so well done. Great job!
Comment Written 26-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2024
-
Thank you. I'm so glad you like it. Everyone's opinion is important to me. Like, you are offers insight, and sometimes a view to things that the writer doesn't always see. So thank you for your input and for your kind comments.And I hope you have the best day!
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This was a readable post. That sense of 'what will happen next' is definitely present. I liked this sentence:
My body stopped quivering and my fingers stopped knotting themselves.
I would just insert a comma after quivering.
Little suggestions:
"If I try to bring you in Mom will loose it.
Change loose to lose.
"Tonight we're going out". She announced.
Try:
"Tonight we're going out," she announced.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2023
|
This was a readable post. That sense of 'what will happen next' is definitely present. I liked this sentence:
My body stopped quivering and my fingers stopped knotting themselves.
I would just insert a comma after quivering.
Little suggestions:
"If I try to bring you in Mom will loose it.
Change loose to lose.
"Tonight we're going out". She announced.
Try:
"Tonight we're going out," she announced.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2023
-
Further to my email, thank you so much for this. My friend. I appreciate you all that you have to say. I know I sound like a broken record. But that's how I feel. And I'm just gonna keep saying it LO. L.
Comment from Wendyanne
Oh dear, I don't like the sound of that, ie, "I'm going to show you a new way of keeping a roof over your head." That sounds very ominous! I will continue to keep reading your story to find out more.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2023
|
Oh dear, I don't like the sound of that, ie, "I'm going to show you a new way of keeping a roof over your head." That sounds very ominous! I will continue to keep reading your story to find out more.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2023
-
You're absolutely white wendy it is very ominous unfortunately I was so unprepared for the This world I made a lot of mistakes. Thank you wendy for stopping and reading it And offering your kind review and your great thoughts on the matter. I appreciate it so very much And welcome any edit suggestions that anyone has thanks again hope you have a great night!
Comment from thoughtgame2
Very well said young lady. Very well written also. You have been writing for awhile on this platform...that tells me that its a very good one to write on. And the people that responds to your writings are real everyday people. Not robots made to act that way.the Things you say can not be computer generated,at least not from where I'm sitting...the feelings from your work is to moving. Thank you for sharing and not holding back. That's what greatness is all about.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2023
|
Very well said young lady. Very well written also. You have been writing for awhile on this platform...that tells me that its a very good one to write on. And the people that responds to your writings are real everyday people. Not robots made to act that way.the Things you say can not be computer generated,at least not from where I'm sitting...the feelings from your work is to moving. Thank you for sharing and not holding back. That's what greatness is all about.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2023
-
Thank you for your kind words and your support and your very good insight. I appreciate all you have to say and welcome your review and happy to have you here. I hope you have a good day and you're feeling well!
Comment from Chuck Keller
Still with you, Kiddo.
The only way to make it through painful situations is to keep moving forward.
That's what you're doing by writing this story down.
Keep plodding forward.
We're with you until it's ALL out. Expose the nerve endings.
Air and light are purifying and healing.
Thanks again for allowing me to join you on this literary journey
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2023
|
Still with you, Kiddo.
The only way to make it through painful situations is to keep moving forward.
That's what you're doing by writing this story down.
Keep plodding forward.
We're with you until it's ALL out. Expose the nerve endings.
Air and light are purifying and healing.
Thanks again for allowing me to join you on this literary journey
Comment Written 20-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2023
-
Thank you for your review In your comments and I appreciate your empathy and insight. You're very insightful and great writer too have a good day!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I'm afraid of this 'new way of keeping a roof over your head.' I really like reading this story and am glad you're sharing it with us. This is a good write.
"Hi." I said. " ("Hi,")
"Nope, just told to come here pack and load. Sorry". He replied. (Sorry," he replied.)
"Ok, thank you." I said (you,")
"Ok, no problem thanks." (thanks,")
Didn't correct dialogue after this. I suggest you keep an eye on your dialogue)
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2023
|
I'm afraid of this 'new way of keeping a roof over your head.' I really like reading this story and am glad you're sharing it with us. This is a good write.
"Hi." I said. " ("Hi,")
"Nope, just told to come here pack and load. Sorry". He replied. (Sorry," he replied.)
"Ok, thank you." I said (you,")
"Ok, no problem thanks." (thanks,")
Didn't correct dialogue after this. I suggest you keep an eye on your dialogue)
Comment Written 20-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2023
-
Hi barbara thank you so Much for this I so appreciate these kinds of corrections. Because i'm definitely new at writing And definitely could use guidance you are extremely Is great writer! Any suggestions you make are like gold to me. Thank you so much for this. I appreciate having you here. I hope your day is amazing. And i'm going to go ahead and make those corrections thank you again!
-
Thank you. They are just the normal ways to write dialogue. Nothing major.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
You've cast such a spell over this chapter, starting with that amazing 'Macbeth witches-style' verse which I could read over and over! That alone is worth 6* I'm so pleased that nothing untoward happened to you in the night but are you returning into the lion's den? This is fraught with danger but we know you also have your thinking cap on and have learned a lot. Descriptive detail in your story is stunningly good! Take care Debbie x
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2023
|
You've cast such a spell over this chapter, starting with that amazing 'Macbeth witches-style' verse which I could read over and over! That alone is worth 6* I'm so pleased that nothing untoward happened to you in the night but are you returning into the lion's den? This is fraught with danger but we know you also have your thinking cap on and have learned a lot. Descriptive detail in your story is stunningly good! Take care Debbie x
Comment Written 20-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2023
-
Thank you again my friend I really appreciate this!
Comment from Jim Wile
Lea, don't hold back. I don't think there's anything you would do that would shock me or change how I think about you. I think it would be highly unusual if you didn't have some lapses of judgment and regret some of the things you may have done.
It's hard enough to live an exemplary life if you have a loving and peaceful upbringing, but to have one like yours makes virtually anything forgivable. So don't trouble yourself about telling the complete story. We need to hear it, and it sounds like you need to tell it.
Did you ever find out what happened at that first house you stayed at?
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2023
|
Lea, don't hold back. I don't think there's anything you would do that would shock me or change how I think about you. I think it would be highly unusual if you didn't have some lapses of judgment and regret some of the things you may have done.
It's hard enough to live an exemplary life if you have a loving and peaceful upbringing, but to have one like yours makes virtually anything forgivable. So don't trouble yourself about telling the complete story. We need to hear it, and it sounds like you need to tell it.
Did you ever find out what happened at that first house you stayed at?
Comment Written 20-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2023
-
When I returned to that house. I saw that they were gone and that there was a moving crew in there. Packing up their stuff. Thank you for your support gym. I do plan on writing it all all of it, it's not just the part of my select spot. I think for a full picture. You have to have the full picture. It would make sense. Thank you so much for your support and for your fine review. It's always i'm happy to hear from you!