Guilt-Stained Badge
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Morgan The Mess"2nd Place Finish
9 total reviews
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Good work here. Yes, I like shiny points. But, I like good reads better. BeginAgain is doing a good one too. You might like it. Voting will be tough. I will keep reading. Karen
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2024
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Good work here. Yes, I like shiny points. But, I like good reads better. BeginAgain is doing a good one too. You might like it. Voting will be tough. I will keep reading. Karen
Comment Written 05-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2024
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No voting. Committee decision pressure of my friend. My ending will blow some minds if it comes out how I?m planning.
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No matter who does the voting it will be tough. Right now I am bingeing "Babylon 5" once again. Cheezy I know. I love Giribaldi, G'Kar and Londo. Good watching. Karen
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Ha! Watch it up, girl.
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I like your work. Karen :-)
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Yeah, cause we write very similar. Thank you!
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We won four out of five games last night. We are advancing in the tournament! Next Wednesday we play five more. We keep advancing as long as we win at least three. Woohoo!!!
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You and I write similiar? Is that why I think you are a genius?
Karen :-)
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What exactly are you playing?
What kind of tournament is it where you can play so many games in one night? Karen
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It?s a volleyball league through a local church that has a gym here. I?m the oldest guy on our team but can still hold my own!
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How do you play that many games a night? Karen
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Yes, Morgan is a mess.
But the story is well written. And with credible dialogue and action.
I just wish he had not smoked the joint. He might get tested.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2024
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Yes, Morgan is a mess.
But the story is well written. And with credible dialogue and action.
I just wish he had not smoked the joint. He might get tested.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2024
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He is on a self-destructive path. Seeing his wife swinging in his living room broke him. Being a cop to serve and protect and he couldn?t even save his own wife. Devastating. Let?s see what happens!
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
I'm beginning to wonder when he actually gets some work done and what state he's in when he gets around to it:) That said, this reads without any noticeable errors and the dialogue/thought process work well and continue to build character. Well done, Doug. Debbie
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2024
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I'm beginning to wonder when he actually gets some work done and what state he's in when he gets around to it:) That said, this reads without any noticeable errors and the dialogue/thought process work well and continue to build character. Well done, Doug. Debbie
Comment Written 04-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2024
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Thank you, Debbie! I really appreciate you sticking with me. I know you have a keen discerning eye and will catch any major issues. I will try to post around 8 AM tomorrow if you are up! ;) Feel bad you reviewing for 1/2.
Comment from Terry Broxson
Douglas, I like the chapter a lot. I think you did a good job on making Kelly likeable, and some of it was funny, like dreaming about being a hooker and having all those strange peckers. Well done. Terry.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2024
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Douglas, I like the chapter a lot. I think you did a good job on making Kelly likeable, and some of it was funny, like dreaming about being a hooker and having all those strange peckers. Well done. Terry.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2024
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Thanks, Terry! This back story will play in later.
D
Comment from Soledadpaz
Hi, Douglas. Interesting read. I really like the title, though you might want to hyphenate guilt-stained. It's describing the badge making it a compound adjective.
Suggest delete 'was' . . . tattoo on her lower back wrinkled up.
Hard to visualize how both her hands pushed up against the side window of the sedan. That would make her turned sideways on the back seat, unless she's on her knees? Perhaps: pounded into her from behind in the back seat.
Suggest delete 'out.' End sentence at 'groaned.'
Perhaps: One look at her dangling bunny earrings bouncing up and down (made him finish.)
Excellent dialogue. Though she sounds older than 19. Guess that's a reflection of her life so far.
Sol
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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Hi, Douglas. Interesting read. I really like the title, though you might want to hyphenate guilt-stained. It's describing the badge making it a compound adjective.
Suggest delete 'was' . . . tattoo on her lower back wrinkled up.
Hard to visualize how both her hands pushed up against the side window of the sedan. That would make her turned sideways on the back seat, unless she's on her knees? Perhaps: pounded into her from behind in the back seat.
Suggest delete 'out.' End sentence at 'groaned.'
Perhaps: One look at her dangling bunny earrings bouncing up and down (made him finish.)
Excellent dialogue. Though she sounds older than 19. Guess that's a reflection of her life so far.
Sol
Comment Written 04-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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Ha! Finally got to these. I?m working tonight so, hopefully I will knock these all out. Was in a Volleyball tournament this week, we won four out of five! Plus I have two kids in basketball and one in softball, so it?s been hectic with this contest!
It is rare for me, but I made all these changes as I liked them ALL!
Thank you, Sol! Big help!!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I'm wondering if Morgan now realizes he's in a mess, if he'll start to get his act together. I'll have to wait and see. Also, we have more insight into Kelly.
Your one of the few Johns I actually like having sex with. (You're)
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2024
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I'm wondering if Morgan now realizes he's in a mess, if he'll start to get his act together. I'll have to wait and see. Also, we have more insight into Kelly.
Your one of the few Johns I actually like having sex with. (You're)
Comment Written 04-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2024
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Thank you, Barbara. Perfect catch. That is what I need!
D
Comment from Julie Helms
You got your quick grammar review. It looked good. You do a very good job of humanizing "undesirables". That's quite a skill. I'm gonna try and get to you earlier tomorrow. :-)
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2024
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You got your quick grammar review. It looked good. You do a very good job of humanizing "undesirables". That's quite a skill. I'm gonna try and get to you earlier tomorrow. :-)
Comment Written 04-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2024
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Thank you! Gonna shoot for 8. ;)
Comment from LoAnn Beery
I like your characters' personalities. They are believable and honest in your depiction. I want to find the girl and redirect if at all possible, lol,but with fiction,I realize, I can let the worry go. There is an extra word I don't think you need, in the line,"That's as good as a win as I expect." I would remove 'as'. Good luck and thank you for a new story to read.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2024
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I like your characters' personalities. They are believable and honest in your depiction. I want to find the girl and redirect if at all possible, lol,but with fiction,I realize, I can let the worry go. There is an extra word I don't think you need, in the line,"That's as good as a win as I expect." I would remove 'as'. Good luck and thank you for a new story to read.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2024
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Thank you, LoAnn. Great fix, by the way. Hope you can jump in again.
D
Comment from Kelly Hope
I love stories. This one inparticulary. Your story comes together very nicely and I just genuinely enjoyed this. Can't wait to read more! God bless you, thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2024
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I love stories. This one inparticulary. Your story comes together very nicely and I just genuinely enjoyed this. Can't wait to read more! God bless you, thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2024
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Thank you, Kelly. I appreciate your kind review!