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Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Vicki Vance "2nd Place Finish
7 total reviews
Comment from Soledadpaz
Suggest reconsider 'wandering aimlessly.' He is walking down a given road. Perhaps: He stared at the ground as he went, his mind racing.
Suggest use 'wandered about aimlessly' here: He wandered about aimlessly for about an hour (delete or so), before he found himself . . .
Suggest delete: prior to that
Suggest: I'll step in for (just) a minute. Indicates his indecision as to whether he wants to go into the place or spend much time in there.
Suggest delete: hesitantly
Perhaps: (An hour later,) Morgan slung back (a) shot of whiskey and . . .
After "kiss." perhaps add: (He signaled the bartender.)
To avoid use of "another" twice in same paragraph. Also, it makes it appear that he sat there for an hour before starting to drink, then it's revealed he's been drinking all along with a compliant bartender serving him.
Perhaps delete "Her name was Nicki" as this is his POV and he knows her name. Suggest revise to: Nicki was just over forty, . . .
He's self-aware. That's good. It increases the tension and shows his conflict. He can clearly see the mountain he has to climb to get back his equilibrium. Question becomes can he do it, or will it overwhelm him.
Suggest: "I could use a little boring," Morgan said with a wry smile.
Suggest: (the) dirty rag
Confusing: tank top/shirt. Two different garments. Is she wearing the shirt over the tank top? If only the tank top, perhaps: . . . noticed earlier that the (top had been straining to cover her large bosom.)
Consider deleting: really.
Suggest: Nicki (or She) came around the bar . . .
Reader is aware of the identity of the two characters in the scene. Use of "the woman" creates distance.
Since he's talking to himself, suggest: She's a friend and (you) know her husband.
Perhaps instead of 'really wrong,' revise to: Terribly wrong.
"Shoved her over the bar" sounds like he catapulted her whole body over. Perhaps: (bent) her over the bar
Suggest restructure: It was over quickly the first time.
He frowned when he realized (that) in his lust-filled mind . . .
Reader doesn't know what time he went into the bar, so no way to measure elapsed time. If mentioning a set hour (3 am) when he leaves the bar, suggest mention at what time he entered the bar as well.
Or let the bottle of whiskey stand in as a measure of time. Was it full when she gave it to him?
Does she leave the bar as well, or do they plan to leave separately?
Perhaps: When he (they?) left, he had a smile on his face and the whiskey bottle was empty.
Suggest delete: "Nicki knew Debra and I know her husband." This has been established already. Reads better: "I should feel guilty. But he didn't."
Suggest: (Within an hour) the street became empty and very quiet.
Suggest: (The reason) he didn't want to sleep . . .
Unless, there's more than one reason he doesn't want to sleep.
Should "Oh, thank God." be in italics if it's his thought?
Perhaps: Morgan stretched out his stiff legs and pushed away from the brick wall.
Or: pulled himself away from the brick wall.
Or: peeled himself away from the brick wall.
Suggest delete: take-home
It's understood the car belongs to the police department. Though this makes one wonder how he got to Tamra's place and from there to the street where the bar is if his car is at home. I might have missed that part.
Suggest clarify "That"
Or: He called in, reporting for duty, then parked in a shady alleyway and turned his vehicle service radio way up. Then promptly fell . . .
For having to pump these out daily, you're doing an excellent job! I may not get to these every day, but I plan to read each one. I'm invested in Morgan now.
Sol
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Suggest reconsider 'wandering aimlessly.' He is walking down a given road. Perhaps: He stared at the ground as he went, his mind racing.
Suggest use 'wandered about aimlessly' here: He wandered about aimlessly for about an hour (delete or so), before he found himself . . .
Suggest delete: prior to that
Suggest: I'll step in for (just) a minute. Indicates his indecision as to whether he wants to go into the place or spend much time in there.
Suggest delete: hesitantly
Perhaps: (An hour later,) Morgan slung back (a) shot of whiskey and . . .
After "kiss." perhaps add: (He signaled the bartender.)
To avoid use of "another" twice in same paragraph. Also, it makes it appear that he sat there for an hour before starting to drink, then it's revealed he's been drinking all along with a compliant bartender serving him.
Perhaps delete "Her name was Nicki" as this is his POV and he knows her name. Suggest revise to: Nicki was just over forty, . . .
He's self-aware. That's good. It increases the tension and shows his conflict. He can clearly see the mountain he has to climb to get back his equilibrium. Question becomes can he do it, or will it overwhelm him.
Suggest: "I could use a little boring," Morgan said with a wry smile.
Suggest: (the) dirty rag
Confusing: tank top/shirt. Two different garments. Is she wearing the shirt over the tank top? If only the tank top, perhaps: . . . noticed earlier that the (top had been straining to cover her large bosom.)
Consider deleting: really.
Suggest: Nicki (or She) came around the bar . . .
Reader is aware of the identity of the two characters in the scene. Use of "the woman" creates distance.
Since he's talking to himself, suggest: She's a friend and (you) know her husband.
Perhaps instead of 'really wrong,' revise to: Terribly wrong.
"Shoved her over the bar" sounds like he catapulted her whole body over. Perhaps: (bent) her over the bar
Suggest restructure: It was over quickly the first time.
He frowned when he realized (that) in his lust-filled mind . . .
Reader doesn't know what time he went into the bar, so no way to measure elapsed time. If mentioning a set hour (3 am) when he leaves the bar, suggest mention at what time he entered the bar as well.
Or let the bottle of whiskey stand in as a measure of time. Was it full when she gave it to him?
Does she leave the bar as well, or do they plan to leave separately?
Perhaps: When he (they?) left, he had a smile on his face and the whiskey bottle was empty.
Suggest delete: "Nicki knew Debra and I know her husband." This has been established already. Reads better: "I should feel guilty. But he didn't."
Suggest: (Within an hour) the street became empty and very quiet.
Suggest: (The reason) he didn't want to sleep . . .
Unless, there's more than one reason he doesn't want to sleep.
Should "Oh, thank God." be in italics if it's his thought?
Perhaps: Morgan stretched out his stiff legs and pushed away from the brick wall.
Or: pulled himself away from the brick wall.
Or: peeled himself away from the brick wall.
Suggest delete: take-home
It's understood the car belongs to the police department. Though this makes one wonder how he got to Tamra's place and from there to the street where the bar is if his car is at home. I might have missed that part.
Suggest clarify "That"
Or: He called in, reporting for duty, then parked in a shady alleyway and turned his vehicle service radio way up. Then promptly fell . . .
For having to pump these out daily, you're doing an excellent job! I may not get to these every day, but I plan to read each one. I'm invested in Morgan now.
Sol
Comment Written 09-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Thanks, buddy. You saved my butt in that chapter. All of those made sense. This rushed pac is an effort!
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
That's sly! I thought I knew the name! He really is out of control isn't he? I wasn't sure about the sentence "He had noticed earlier that the shirt wasn't doing its job.." Sounds a bit clumsy and you'd normally refer to a blouse on a woman? Also was unsure about the creak, creak, creak but then I realised that it was referring to his wife's suicide which is haunting him. I don't actually think it works there. But your prose style is always a pleasure to read. It's clear with excellent dialogue and thought process which never seems out of place. We love these degenerate individuals but I keep worrying that he's ever going to get any work done. But you're doing good here, Doug! Debbie
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2024
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That's sly! I thought I knew the name! He really is out of control isn't he? I wasn't sure about the sentence "He had noticed earlier that the shirt wasn't doing its job.." Sounds a bit clumsy and you'd normally refer to a blouse on a woman? Also was unsure about the creak, creak, creak but then I realised that it was referring to his wife's suicide which is haunting him. I don't actually think it works there. But your prose style is always a pleasure to read. It's clear with excellent dialogue and thought process which never seems out of place. We love these degenerate individuals but I keep worrying that he's ever going to get any work done. But you're doing good here, Doug! Debbie
Comment Written 07-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2024
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Thanks, Debbie! The creak is supposed to be the sound of her swinging from the living room ceiling rafter. A miss?
Keep the suggestions coming, please!
D
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Morgan just gets in deeper and deeper. I am wondering if by the end of this novel, he'll redeem himself or will he continue his downward spiral. I'm not I can handle anything other than a happy ending. Excellent writing.
"Don't be. You're a man."The woman came around the bar and sat on the stool beside him, (space needed after quotation marks)
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2024
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Morgan just gets in deeper and deeper. I am wondering if by the end of this novel, he'll redeem himself or will he continue his downward spiral. I'm not I can handle anything other than a happy ending. Excellent writing.
"Don't be. You're a man."The woman came around the bar and sat on the stool beside him, (space needed after quotation marks)
Comment Written 07-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2024
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Great catch. Okay, so I?ve been told that I have too much action and need to slow it down. The next chapter is just a conversation so slower . I?m my head at least. But I think being a Novela they are a little more action packed at just 30000 words. Not sure. Coming up with a 1000 words a day lends itself to more of a telling of 30 stories than a flowing novel. At least it?s been pouring out of me. Ni stalls yet. I am going for graphic gritty, high intensity. Opinion on the pace
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In only 30000 words you have to say a lot in a little space. I can't do that. My novels are always over 90000 words. Now you still need to be sure your characters are leading the story. I think you're doing that. I can't wait to read today's post and let you know.
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I?m getting a lot of negative feedback. This speed of writing is probably not for me. I have read some of the other entrants. Their chapters are mistake free. How is that possible writing and editing in a single day? Geniuses? Regardless, I shall finish the game
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I?m getting a lot of negative feedback. This speed of writing is probably not for me. I have read some of the other entrants. Their chapters are mistake free. How is that possible writing and editing in a single day? Geniuses? Regardless, I shall finish the game
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I have read some other entries, also and I only see one other one that I feel is even close to this one.
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Thanks, but you are biased. We are buddies. Still, I shall finish the game.
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you'd better!!!!
Comment from Terry Broxson
Douglas, I like Nicki. I don't know why. Maybe she has a good heart, or maybe she knows what she wants and goes and goes and gets it. Could she be the killer? Umm? Good chapter. Terry.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2024
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Douglas, I like Nicki. I don't know why. Maybe she has a good heart, or maybe she knows what she wants and goes and goes and gets it. Could she be the killer? Umm? Good chapter. Terry.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2024
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Book feels a little rushed trying to get all the main characters identified early as Novela is half the size of a novel at 30,000 words. Gonna slow down the next two chapters.
Comment from Julie Helms
So Morgan is In free fall. I see a brick wall coming at him fast in his future. You are doing a good job setting him up for that.
The churchhill shaped (just 1 'h Churchill-shaped Honduran)
black take home police sedan (take-home police sedan)
new to the game, prostitute (new-to-the-game prostitute)
Keep it coming! Julie
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2024
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So Morgan is In free fall. I see a brick wall coming at him fast in his future. You are doing a good job setting him up for that.
The churchhill shaped (just 1 'h Churchill-shaped Honduran)
black take home police sedan (take-home police sedan)
new to the game, prostitute (new-to-the-game prostitute)
Keep it coming! Julie
Comment Written 07-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2024
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Great fixes, Julie! You must have been an editor in a previous life.
D
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I'm actually a free-lance editor in this life. :-)
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Ha! That makes sense.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
I didn't see a thing to correct - except Morgan's behavior.
I'd say he needs a new psychiatrist.
Your writing was excellent and the direction of the story is compelling, even if in a downward spiral. But I can see how you could create an exciting (and satisfying) climax.
Good work.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2024
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I didn't see a thing to correct - except Morgan's behavior.
I'd say he needs a new psychiatrist.
Your writing was excellent and the direction of the story is compelling, even if in a downward spiral. But I can see how you could create an exciting (and satisfying) climax.
Good work.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2024
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Ha! I was told way too much action and that I needed to slow it down. I understand for a novel but a 30000 Novela is half the size. Aren?t they usually packed? Not sure. The next chapter was slower
Anyways with a meeting with Hutch and then I think I will do a Tamra runs into Nicki thing. Maybe. Two slower chapters? Morgan will have to get some work done eventually. Ha!
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Not too much action in my opinion.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Morgan is allowed behind the wheel? His psychiatrist must be one of the worst on earth. His partner and bosses are for caca too. This must have been written for the 70's! It is written well, but he has no real support system. Honey bunch he is heading for a complete unstoppable except by death blowout.
Karen
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2024
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Morgan is allowed behind the wheel? His psychiatrist must be one of the worst on earth. His partner and bosses are for caca too. This must have been written for the 70's! It is written well, but he has no real support system. Honey bunch he is heading for a complete unstoppable except by death blowout.
Karen
Comment Written 07-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2024
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In big cities, Homicide Detectives are treated like untouchables. Hardly monitored, make their own schedules, and Pending no major noticeable foul-ups, they are rarely called to the carpet.
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I am sooooo reassured in our police force. I feel really safe now. :-)
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Probably why nothing ever gets solved. Ha!
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Does your wife give you "that" look very often? I think I would. You are a stinker. But that's okay, I was often called one too. :-)
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Ha! Once a stinker always a stinker.
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:-)Want your frogs?
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Yes, Ma?am!