Guilt-Stained Badge
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Hugo Chavez"2nd Place Finish
9 total reviews
Comment from Soledadpaz
Perhaps: Dim (light) from the main room nearly reached him, but his . . . was (mostly) hidden in darkness.
Perhaps orient reader as to distance, how far he is from the source of the light.
Perhaps clarify:
. . . a slimy little slug(. He had) no respect . . . problems (without) physical violence. Is "the turd" Hugo or Paco?
Perhaps: . . . so he beat her (up) good.
In the paragraph that starts "It didn't matter though" it seems that we are still in Hugo's head. Should it be: . . . or (he) would dish out more . . .
Perhaps delete: Hugo to the floor.
Are Hugo and Paco in the same room/space if Paco can see his feet?
Perhaps: The ski-masked figure (flung) the hammer
Perhaps delete: while in obvious pain.
Looks like Paco and Hugo are getting a taste of their own medicine. I love how you introduce what is going to happen to Paco by mentioning a vocation. Makes it all the more visual and cringe-inducing.
Suggest you reveal that Morgan is the assailant a little later on. Maybe not until the last lines, ending with the lambada thought. Perhaps: (still in italics)
I can't believe that hammer hit him square in the forehead. Talk about lucky. Did he say dance the lambada? What the hell was that? Dumbass. I hate men who rape and beat women.
The "I've been there before line" is a killer! It sets up the ending and drips of irony. Reminds me of Dashiel Hammett.
Sol
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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Perhaps: Dim (light) from the main room nearly reached him, but his . . . was (mostly) hidden in darkness.
Perhaps orient reader as to distance, how far he is from the source of the light.
Perhaps clarify:
. . . a slimy little slug(. He had) no respect . . . problems (without) physical violence. Is "the turd" Hugo or Paco?
Perhaps: . . . so he beat her (up) good.
In the paragraph that starts "It didn't matter though" it seems that we are still in Hugo's head. Should it be: . . . or (he) would dish out more . . .
Perhaps delete: Hugo to the floor.
Are Hugo and Paco in the same room/space if Paco can see his feet?
Perhaps: The ski-masked figure (flung) the hammer
Perhaps delete: while in obvious pain.
Looks like Paco and Hugo are getting a taste of their own medicine. I love how you introduce what is going to happen to Paco by mentioning a vocation. Makes it all the more visual and cringe-inducing.
Suggest you reveal that Morgan is the assailant a little later on. Maybe not until the last lines, ending with the lambada thought. Perhaps: (still in italics)
I can't believe that hammer hit him square in the forehead. Talk about lucky. Did he say dance the lambada? What the hell was that? Dumbass. I hate men who rape and beat women.
The "I've been there before line" is a killer! It sets up the ending and drips of irony. Reminds me of Dashiel Hammett.
Sol
Comment Written 19-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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A second sixer this week? You have re-motivated me to push forward and finish this novel.
And your suggested revision to move the reveal that Morgan is the assailant to the last paragraph was nothing short of brilliant. It changed the dynamics of this chapter and made it my favorite to date!
I really appreciate you, Sol!
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
'Chola' I haven't heard that word in a long time. Does the story take place in east Los Angeles? LA Familia, Mexican gangsters, are from there.
I love the story and violent scenes.... it's quite a thriller. Loved the fight of Morgan and Paco. I think he won't come near Kelly again. Now she can start living a decent life away from violence and lovers like Paco.
Well done, Douglas
"I worked my way (though ) college as a carpenter."
"(You ) familiar with Paco Sanchez's building down at the warehouse section of the wharf?"
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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'Chola' I haven't heard that word in a long time. Does the story take place in east Los Angeles? LA Familia, Mexican gangsters, are from there.
I love the story and violent scenes.... it's quite a thriller. Loved the fight of Morgan and Paco. I think he won't come near Kelly again. Now she can start living a decent life away from violence and lovers like Paco.
Well done, Douglas
"I worked my way (though ) college as a carpenter."
"(You ) familiar with Paco Sanchez's building down at the warehouse section of the wharf?"
Comment Written 13-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Thank you! I am glad you are enjoying this. The struggle is real with 30 chapters in 30 days. Appreciate you, my friend!
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Wow, you are a prolific writer. 30 chapters would probably take me 30 years to write. LoL
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It?s a haul! My story?s in Seattle. The Sureno 13 street gang uses the word Chola a lot. I busted a hole in their crew in Pontiac, Michigan when I was on the Oakland County Violent Gang Task Force. Now I just write about busting them up with hammers. Ha!
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How cool. I didn't know you worked in the Violent Gang Task Force. So... you are a police officer or detective or agent? I read and listen to crime podcast.... My favorite Murder. Is Noah based on yourself?
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I was a Federal Agent. 23 years. Retired. I now do personal protection and active shooter threats.
None of my characters are based on me, I was a pretty straight shooter.
But, most of my bad guys were gleaned from the numerous interviews I have done with the worst of the worst naughty people. I always get a chuckle when someone tells me that my character was not very realistic. Funny, when many of them were based off real people.
Douglas
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,Wow, that's impressive. I don't know any FBI agents, now I do. lol ... I would love to have coffee with you and listen to some stories.
I think your characters are realistic.
Guilt-Stained Badge reminds me a little to the taxi driver.
I think many writers weave a little of themselves into their stories or poems they write... I know I do.
I'm enjoying your book. I can't wait for the next chapter. (*÷*)
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I had a feeling Morgan would revenge Kelly's beating and he did. Will Paco be able to identify him? I'm worried about that.
Paco's hand on the desk with his knee and before the pump knew what was happening, (not sure 'pump' is the right word here)
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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I had a feeling Morgan would revenge Kelly's beating and he did. Will Paco be able to identify him? I'm worried about that.
Paco's hand on the desk with his knee and before the pump knew what was happening, (not sure 'pump' is the right word here)
Comment Written 13-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Nope. Good catch. Typo. Thank you, my friend.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Oh how I wish this was on TV! You make everything else seem so mundane right now! And just as I thought, Morgan might be going a little easier in his law enforcement mission. I physically cringed (although secretly enjoyed) the violence, especially with the 'humorous' additions. This is an amazing read, Doug! You entertain and surprise at every turn and your imagination is simply prolific! I think I'll have a cup of tea after this to recover:)) Well done! Debbie
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Oh how I wish this was on TV! You make everything else seem so mundane right now! And just as I thought, Morgan might be going a little easier in his law enforcement mission. I physically cringed (although secretly enjoyed) the violence, especially with the 'humorous' additions. This is an amazing read, Doug! You entertain and surprise at every turn and your imagination is simply prolific! I think I'll have a cup of tea after this to recover:)) Well done! Debbie
Comment Written 13-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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I agree. That chapter was satisfying. All rapists should get the hammer!
Comment from Terry Broxson
Douglas, this is a good chapter for Morgan, looks like he is gathering some momentum in his fight against the bad guys. Paco and Hugo did make good punching bags. Very well done. Terry.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Douglas, this is a good chapter for Morgan, looks like he is gathering some momentum in his fight against the bad guys. Paco and Hugo did make good punching bags. Very well done. Terry.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Thanks, Terry. Like Morgan, I have little tolerance for women abusers.
Comment from Tom Horonzy
First, is this an error that you wrote "and before the pump?"IK am thinking you meant punk.
Secondly, he should have finished the pump off, for he had to know who it was once he mentioned Kelly's name, don't you think?
In for a penny ... in for a buck. Next chapter, please.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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First, is this an error that you wrote "and before the pump?"IK am thinking you meant punk.
Secondly, he should have finished the pump off, for he had to know who it was once he mentioned Kelly's name, don't you think?
In for a penny ... in for a buck. Next chapter, please.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Yes pump is a typo. Thank you! You are so very perceptive. Yes, these mistakes are going to come back to haunt him.
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Nah. No haunting allowed. Once its released, rad and forever after forgotten unless... you get it published. I do this for fun ... maybe, but I think to keep myself occupied since I have retired from lovemaking, except in the stories here I read.
Comment from Julie Helms
That was fairly satisfying to read. I bet it was fun to write, too!
three hundred pound frame (300 lb frame or three-hundred-pound frame)
sloppy sex was better than no sex. (Eww)
rough and tumble girl. (rough-and-tumble girl)
chola (foreign terms should be italicized)
So he made his play last week. (he had made or (he'd made) you are already writing in past tense, so this gives you the past past!)
four foot long 2X4 (four-foot-long)
lambada (italicize)
It stuck the pimp square (struck?)
Paco tried to rise, but was forcefully (no comma)
before the pump knew what was happening, (pimp)
"Crackle. Crackle." (No quotes. Put noises in italics)
If you don't like the fact that the FS editor box puts italics in a larger font than the straight writing, when you hit the italic button, also lower the font by one notch. I do that on mine because I don't like the bigger writing.
Excellent chapter! Julie
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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That was fairly satisfying to read. I bet it was fun to write, too!
three hundred pound frame (300 lb frame or three-hundred-pound frame)
sloppy sex was better than no sex. (Eww)
rough and tumble girl. (rough-and-tumble girl)
chola (foreign terms should be italicized)
So he made his play last week. (he had made or (he'd made) you are already writing in past tense, so this gives you the past past!)
four foot long 2X4 (four-foot-long)
lambada (italicize)
It stuck the pimp square (struck?)
Paco tried to rise, but was forcefully (no comma)
before the pump knew what was happening, (pimp)
"Crackle. Crackle." (No quotes. Put noises in italics)
If you don't like the fact that the FS editor box puts italics in a larger font than the straight writing, when you hit the italic button, also lower the font by one notch. I do that on mine because I don't like the bigger writing.
Excellent chapter! Julie
Comment Written 13-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Playing catch up tonight. Appreciate all of these great tips and helps. This was a fun chapter. Everyone I arrested
A woman abuser or rapist I wanted t introduce them to a hammer!
D
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Ha! A hammer guy!
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Gosh, I wish I had six left. That was so satisfying. Does that make me a blood-thirsty degenerate? I've been called worse. Good writing there Doug my man.
Love it love it. Karen
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Gosh, I wish I had six left. That was so satisfying. Does that make me a blood-thirsty degenerate? I've been called worse. Good writing there Doug my man.
Love it love it. Karen
Comment Written 13-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Thank you, Karen. Every time I arrested a beater or rapist I wanted to show them a hammer.
D
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I applaud your restraint. But, that one on the left, whack him, he will never change. Karen
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nice work... both you AND Morgan!
Only thing I don't get (laying aside the literary theatrics) is why Morgan wouldn't just go ahead and kill Paco, since he had murdered a man already. Why chance being ambushed in the future?
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Nice work... both you AND Morgan!
Only thing I don't get (laying aside the literary theatrics) is why Morgan wouldn't just go ahead and kill Paco, since he had murdered a man already. Why chance being ambushed in the future?
Best wishes.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Maybe he?s not ready to go that dark. Maybe he only kills women maybe he screwed up. You are very perceptive. We shall see what is in his head before too long!