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Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Kelly Pierson"2nd Place Finish
8 total reviews
Comment from Soledadpaz
Perhaps let the reader be surprised along with Kelly. Maybe in the last paragraph she opens her gift on the morning of her birthday to discover a key fob. While she's wondering what that means, someone knocks on her door to escort her downstairs and presents her with the Ford Fusion.
True that this will affect the timeline, but the next chapter could start by backtracking a little using past perfect: Morgan had left Kelly's apt and . . . Then scene follows in simple past. Just a thought!
This chapter shows that Morgan has developed parental feelings toward Kelly and takes pride in her accomplishments. Sounds like he would make a good dad.
For having a time crunch and having to write to deadline, you are doing an excellent job maintaining the storyline.
Sol
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
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Perhaps let the reader be surprised along with Kelly. Maybe in the last paragraph she opens her gift on the morning of her birthday to discover a key fob. While she's wondering what that means, someone knocks on her door to escort her downstairs and presents her with the Ford Fusion.
True that this will affect the timeline, but the next chapter could start by backtracking a little using past perfect: Morgan had left Kelly's apt and . . . Then scene follows in simple past. Just a thought!
This chapter shows that Morgan has developed parental feelings toward Kelly and takes pride in her accomplishments. Sounds like he would make a good dad.
For having a time crunch and having to write to deadline, you are doing an excellent job maintaining the storyline.
Sol
Comment Written 23-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
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You are very perceptive. You hit on a huge structural clue with your inquiry. Why did I not surprise everyone on Kelly?s Birthday? There is only one reason. Because I can?t. If you put two and tow together, you will realize the reason eliminates a key suspect for you. Nobody else questioned this.
Good stuff.
D
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Aha! A riddle! Good thing we are on the homestretch. I?m dying of suspense.
Comment from Terry Broxson
Douglas, that is a good chapter. You gave your readers everything they need to know to like Kelly. The conversation sounded so squeaky clean that I forgot we had some murders to solve. Well done. Terry.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Douglas, that is a good chapter. You gave your readers everything they need to know to like Kelly. The conversation sounded so squeaky clean that I forgot we had some murders to solve. Well done. Terry.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Thank you! I liked how this chapter turned out. Now back to the roller coaster ride!
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Knocking it out of the ball park cleaning up loose ends. Paco' stuff needs to be put down by Darrin, who bravely gets wounded protecting a lady from "Paco's greedy recycling program. ????? Karen
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Knocking it out of the ball park cleaning up loose ends. Paco' stuff needs to be put down by Darrin, who bravely gets wounded protecting a lady from "Paco's greedy recycling program. ????? Karen
Comment Written 22-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Sounds plausible. Read tomorrow!
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I will read you friend. Karen
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Well, this is all very pleasing! And, if I ever tell you to keep your pecker up, please note that, in the UK its more benign meaning is - keep your morale up, keep smiling! Morgan is a changed man but why do I think this is the lull before the storm? Playing big brother now is remarkable! There are some small edits: So I want you to meet Brock (no comma after meet); as quickly as I could (to) grab the bracelet; If you('re) asking where my pecker's been; Kelly was the close(s)t thing to family. This is exciting as we await your conclusion, Doug. Well done, Debbie
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Well, this is all very pleasing! And, if I ever tell you to keep your pecker up, please note that, in the UK its more benign meaning is - keep your morale up, keep smiling! Morgan is a changed man but why do I think this is the lull before the storm? Playing big brother now is remarkable! There are some small edits: So I want you to meet Brock (no comma after meet); as quickly as I could (to) grab the bracelet; If you('re) asking where my pecker's been; Kelly was the close(s)t thing to family. This is exciting as we await your conclusion, Doug. Well done, Debbie
Comment Written 22-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Thanks for this most excellent review, my friend. Thanks for the 'pecker' heads up! Bet that's caused a few misunderstandings. Ha!
Comment from Tom Horonzy
I still feel his training partner is the culprit. Why else would he have a hard-on with Morgan who had proven himself professionally? Morgie needs to put it in gear and let loose.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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I still feel his training partner is the culprit. Why else would he have a hard-on with Morgan who had proven himself professionally? Morgie needs to put it in gear and let loose.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Watch for the clues in the next few chapters! Cut loose time!
Comment from Julie Helms
This was really sweet. Their two journeys parallel in some ways. But she (seems to be) free and clear, but he is not, still facing a huge obstacle in front of him. Great point at the end...that figuring out who the real murderer is would be the best way to clear himself of that.
She got a far away look. (far-away look)
""Are you kidding me? I really have to wait?" (Double quote mark at beginning)
Why do I feel so proud right now? (Italicize thoughts. The big clue is when you switch to 1st person POV)
Julie
:-)
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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This was really sweet. Their two journeys parallel in some ways. But she (seems to be) free and clear, but he is not, still facing a huge obstacle in front of him. Great point at the end...that figuring out who the real murderer is would be the best way to clear himself of that.
She got a far away look. (far-away look)
""Are you kidding me? I really have to wait?" (Double quote mark at beginning)
Why do I feel so proud right now? (Italicize thoughts. The big clue is when you switch to 1st person POV)
Julie
:-)
Comment Written 22-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Thank you, Julie. We are getting towards the end. Watch for those clues!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I like this and brother/sister is a good way for their relationship to be. I am glad Morgan is reaching out to Hutch to solve this murder problem. I hope somehow they work out the money stealing issue, too.
Detective Morg!"The young woman ran a (space needed afer quotation marks)
"You we're wearing tiny snoopy earrings the first night we met." He laughed. "You told of me you liked the Peanuts Gang." (You were wearing & You told me)
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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I like this and brother/sister is a good way for their relationship to be. I am glad Morgan is reaching out to Hutch to solve this murder problem. I hope somehow they work out the money stealing issue, too.
Detective Morg!"The young woman ran a (space needed afer quotation marks)
"You we're wearing tiny snoopy earrings the first night we met." He laughed. "You told of me you liked the Peanuts Gang." (You were wearing & You told me)
Comment Written 22-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Dang, girl! I can always count on you! Your loyalty to friends is a very admirable quality. Thank you!
I am so glad that you got one of the two paid spots today!
So, curious who you think the killer is at this point? I can tell you that there was a structural clue in this chapter. (Points away not to). Tee hee hee.
You are a gem.
Douglas
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My suspects are Anderson, one of Paco's guys, or the news reporter. Seems like I have one more suspect too, but can't remember, right now. Am I even close???
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Read in! There are several more clues to glean in the next few chapters!
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Brother works. And uncle would sound contrived, phoney.
Well written. Sure would be hard not to get a bit too 'involved', though.
It's a good thing Morgan is loaded with dough.
He needs to retain a lawyer for the event of his arrest.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Brother works. And uncle would sound contrived, phoney.
Well written. Sure would be hard not to get a bit too 'involved', though.
It's a good thing Morgan is loaded with dough.
He needs to retain a lawyer for the event of his arrest.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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You don?t think he and Hutch can figure this out? They still have 8 chapters. 8,000 words to find redemption.
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Yes, but he should expect to be arrested. He'll wanted bonded out and without a lawyer...