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Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "The Radar"2nd Place Finish
8 total reviews
Comment from Soledadpaz
Lots of action and tension in this chapter. Non-stop action until those dummies cause a disaster. I hope Morgan knows how to swim. Talk about staying off the radar! A few thoughts:
Maybe: (big) Hugo
Could delete: "At the next trafic light." To avoid using the word "light" four times in such close proximity, perhaps: He ran through a yellow . . .
Perhaps: (clipped) the second car . . . with his left (fender)
Perhaps: (rammed) the accelerator, or (punched) the accelerator
Unclear: "The Honda was floored."
Perhaps delete "just" . . . which turned red.
Perhaps add detail: two-feet high or two-feet wide
Perhaps: crushed (against) a concrete barrier pole . . .
To keep it in Morgan's POV perhaps: A word he'd learned from his father who'd picked it up in the Marines.
Guess Morgain's gonna get wet.
Sol
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
Lots of action and tension in this chapter. Non-stop action until those dummies cause a disaster. I hope Morgan knows how to swim. Talk about staying off the radar! A few thoughts:
Maybe: (big) Hugo
Could delete: "At the next trafic light." To avoid using the word "light" four times in such close proximity, perhaps: He ran through a yellow . . .
Perhaps: (clipped) the second car . . . with his left (fender)
Perhaps: (rammed) the accelerator, or (punched) the accelerator
Unclear: "The Honda was floored."
Perhaps delete "just" . . . which turned red.
Perhaps add detail: two-feet high or two-feet wide
Perhaps: crushed (against) a concrete barrier pole . . .
To keep it in Morgan's POV perhaps: A word he'd learned from his father who'd picked it up in the Marines.
Guess Morgain's gonna get wet.
Sol
Comment Written 27-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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Awesome, my friend! Appreciate all the help.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
The point of this is what? You forgot one of the tenets of writing a novel: the writing must propel the story. This ended no link. Did not kill off a crucial bad guy, did not show an unknown clue, did not solve a plotline. Nothing new was revealed, and no one critical to the story was killed off. This was merely filler. And it ended with a stranger and her strapped in child going into the drink. Yuck. Bad boy Doug. :-(
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
The point of this is what? You forgot one of the tenets of writing a novel: the writing must propel the story. This ended no link. Did not kill off a crucial bad guy, did not show an unknown clue, did not solve a plotline. Nothing new was revealed, and no one critical to the story was killed off. This was merely filler. And it ended with a stranger and her strapped in child going into the drink. Yuck. Bad boy Doug. :-(
Comment Written 23-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
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Ha. You think so? When have I not had a twist inside of a twist? Tune in tomorrow. . .
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You know I can't stay away. I will read until the very end.:-)
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I think it is bizzare that a 17 syllable poem requires more writing than they did. :-)
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nice action. A little fantastical that the Honda could still drive after being smashed into by the heavier Camaro, though.
Certainly Morgan will not leave the woman and child to drown!
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
Nice action. A little fantastical that the Honda could still drive after being smashed into by the heavier Camaro, though.
Certainly Morgan will not leave the woman and child to drown!
Best wishes.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
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Honda will run forever if the engine doesn?t get hit. Ran one in a derby once. Drove backwards the whole time. Came in third. Ha! The Camaro would outrun it though.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
From one extreme to another! Hardly a relaxing read here. Action all the way. In fact, just like those movie chases that go on and on. The "tatted out scraggly white guy.." Should that be "tattooed"? "just over (a?) eighty miles per hour" I wondered after the first reference to Paco's bandaged hands whether you needed to refer to this again. But an exciting and vivid car chase in which you naturally excelled! Well done, Doug! Just 8 more days to go.Take care Debbie
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
From one extreme to another! Hardly a relaxing read here. Action all the way. In fact, just like those movie chases that go on and on. The "tatted out scraggly white guy.." Should that be "tattooed"? "just over (a?) eighty miles per hour" I wondered after the first reference to Paco's bandaged hands whether you needed to refer to this again. But an exciting and vivid car chase in which you naturally excelled! Well done, Doug! Just 8 more days to go.Take care Debbie
Comment Written 23-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Thanks, Debbie! Great review. Glad you are into this!
Comment from Terry Broxson
Well, clearly, Morgan needs to jump in the water and save the girl and maybe the woman. He needs to give us some reasons to like him. Douglas, by the way, I'm sure that Camaro would take that Honda any day of the week. Another good chapter. Terry.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
Well, clearly, Morgan needs to jump in the water and save the girl and maybe the woman. He needs to give us some reasons to like him. Douglas, by the way, I'm sure that Camaro would take that Honda any day of the week. Another good chapter. Terry.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
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Another chapter people didn?t like. Said it didn?t pertain. But, oh it does.
I did add a sentence about the Camaro being more powerful which is why it keeps catching up and hitting him in the bumper. Good to clarify. Thanks, Terry!
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Douglas, the chapter was good. I have faith that you will tie it together.
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Boy, Morgan sure has 20/30 vision. A 'rusty' gun doing eighty? A blond his age in a MB? Pull back on the throttle some DG, except we presume Morgie's going to dive into the waterway saving the child.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
Boy, Morgan sure has 20/30 vision. A 'rusty' gun doing eighty? A blond his age in a MB? Pull back on the throttle some DG, except we presume Morgie's going to dive into the waterway saving the child.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
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You thing eighth was a bit fast in the city. I debated the speed and changed it twice. Advise.
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Hey, it gives insight of how you drove your Super Sport back in the days, right?
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I chased a drug load all over San Ysidro, California doing near a hundred miles an hour through traffic.. Lost it when the rubber on my tires started peeling off and my engine overheated. Lucky I didn?t kill anyone.
Comment from Julie Helms
Well that got my adrenaline pumping! A very nerve-wracking, high-impact (hah!) scene. So the question is, is this just a revenge attack for what Morgan did to Paco? Or, is this related to the murders? So does he go rescue a girl and mother? Or does self preservation kick in? Interweaving plot threads doing great!
Suggested edits:
common looking tinted out blue Honda Accord
(common-looking, tinted-out, blue...)
A brown beat up early 70's Camaro
(A brown, beat-up, early-70s Camaro)
rear view mirror
(rearview mirror)
This time shots rank out!
(rang)
his rear end power sliding
(I don't know what this means. Just wanted to make sure it's not a typo.)
careening around a corner as the back end off the car slid
(end of the car)
Less people and traffic.
(You don't need to change this. It's his thoughts, so it doesn't matter, but the grammar nerd in me must tell you...fewer people and less traffic)
racing thru another red light,
(through)
Morgan's stomped his foot down on the brake
(Morgan stomped)
passenger side window
(Earlier you said passenger's side window. I would pick one way and be consistent with it. So...
Passenger's side window OR
Passenger-side window)
a bloody mangled mess.
(bloody, mangled)
For a second, it could have fallen either way, then plunged
(The construction of this sentence is a problem. Easiest fix: ...either way. But it plunged...)
He was a bit bruised up, but was amazingly
(No comma)
Fantastic action!
Julie
:-)
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
Well that got my adrenaline pumping! A very nerve-wracking, high-impact (hah!) scene. So the question is, is this just a revenge attack for what Morgan did to Paco? Or, is this related to the murders? So does he go rescue a girl and mother? Or does self preservation kick in? Interweaving plot threads doing great!
Suggested edits:
common looking tinted out blue Honda Accord
(common-looking, tinted-out, blue...)
A brown beat up early 70's Camaro
(A brown, beat-up, early-70s Camaro)
rear view mirror
(rearview mirror)
This time shots rank out!
(rang)
his rear end power sliding
(I don't know what this means. Just wanted to make sure it's not a typo.)
careening around a corner as the back end off the car slid
(end of the car)
Less people and traffic.
(You don't need to change this. It's his thoughts, so it doesn't matter, but the grammar nerd in me must tell you...fewer people and less traffic)
racing thru another red light,
(through)
Morgan's stomped his foot down on the brake
(Morgan stomped)
passenger side window
(Earlier you said passenger's side window. I would pick one way and be consistent with it. So...
Passenger's side window OR
Passenger-side window)
a bloody mangled mess.
(bloody, mangled)
For a second, it could have fallen either way, then plunged
(The construction of this sentence is a problem. Easiest fix: ...either way. But it plunged...)
He was a bit bruised up, but was amazingly
(No comma)
Fantastic action!
Julie
:-)
Comment Written 23-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2024
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Playing catch-up. Oh boy, what is my hatred of hyphens?
Thank you for taking the time to do this!
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I'm glad you replied. I was wondering if I had GONE TOO FAR and planted myself firmly in annoyance territory. If I ever do, just say so.
:-)
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Never. I need all the help I can get. It took me a year to write and edit most of my other books. To say this 30/30 is challenging would be an understatement. If it weren't for you guys helping me, I probably would have bailed! Six more chapters. Keep me on the straight and narrow!
Douglas
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This isn't going to help Morgan's situation any. I've added a couple more people to my suspect list: Darrin Belzar, Ronny Tate, and the Priest.
revealed that he was racing down the street at just over a eighty miler per hour. (miles??)
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
This isn't going to help Morgan's situation any. I've added a couple more people to my suspect list: Darrin Belzar, Ronny Tate, and the Priest.
revealed that he was racing down the street at just over a eighty miler per hour. (miles??)
Comment Written 23-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2024
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Lots of suspects. Too few chapters! Great catch!
D