The Unwilling Heir
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "The Unwilling Heir - Chap 11"A Mysterious Inheritance and Murders
13 total reviews
Comment from Julie Helms
Excellent ghostiness!
It's Interesting that a judge in life becomes a judge in death. The part with the sheriff was especially descriptively good.
I had a few corrections for you. I had them quoted out, and then my page refreshed, and they were gone, so I'm going to relay them to you by memory.
1.The window thumping. It isn't speech, so don't use quotes. Sounds just get italicized. (Same with unvoiced thoughts)
2. You used "spooky hush" twice. I'd reword one of them.
Now for ultra critical comments that I normally wouldn't bring up in a review, but you are an excellent writer, so these things should now be fine tuned. :-)
You do more telling than you should. Ex:
She stammered, her voice barely above a whisper, "Is -- there some -- one here?"
Your quoted speech pattern already shows us she's stammering. So you don't need to tell us that.
"Is--there some--one here?" she whispered.
In her usual snobby way, Madeline approached the situation with haughty anger. "The jokes are over! Does this look like a bordello?"
I don't think you need any of the words outside of the quote. Her response is snotty all by itself. If you want more than what is in the quote then come up with an action that the reader will interpret as anger, instead of telling us she's angry. Just an example:
"The jokes...bordello," she sneered. OR
"The jokes...bordello." Her eyes flashed.
When you proofread, I would take each sentence and think about if you need all the elements you put into it. When you clean out the unneeded stuff, the writing gets snappier because it's less wordy. You are excellent at descriptions, I think you just need to differentiate between descriptions and excess baggage.
Please take this in the spirit of love! Just from your reviews/comments you can see how much people love your story. As do I!
Julie
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Excellent ghostiness!
It's Interesting that a judge in life becomes a judge in death. The part with the sheriff was especially descriptively good.
I had a few corrections for you. I had them quoted out, and then my page refreshed, and they were gone, so I'm going to relay them to you by memory.
1.The window thumping. It isn't speech, so don't use quotes. Sounds just get italicized. (Same with unvoiced thoughts)
2. You used "spooky hush" twice. I'd reword one of them.
Now for ultra critical comments that I normally wouldn't bring up in a review, but you are an excellent writer, so these things should now be fine tuned. :-)
You do more telling than you should. Ex:
She stammered, her voice barely above a whisper, "Is -- there some -- one here?"
Your quoted speech pattern already shows us she's stammering. So you don't need to tell us that.
"Is--there some--one here?" she whispered.
In her usual snobby way, Madeline approached the situation with haughty anger. "The jokes are over! Does this look like a bordello?"
I don't think you need any of the words outside of the quote. Her response is snotty all by itself. If you want more than what is in the quote then come up with an action that the reader will interpret as anger, instead of telling us she's angry. Just an example:
"The jokes...bordello," she sneered. OR
"The jokes...bordello." Her eyes flashed.
When you proofread, I would take each sentence and think about if you need all the elements you put into it. When you clean out the unneeded stuff, the writing gets snappier because it's less wordy. You are excellent at descriptions, I think you just need to differentiate between descriptions and excess baggage.
Please take this in the spirit of love! Just from your reviews/comments you can see how much people love your story. As do I!
Julie
Comment Written 15-Apr-2024
Comment from LJbutterfly
This is a chilling chapter filled with all sorts of ghosts from Madeline's past. The ghosts reveal who Madeline was prior to marrying Noah. Even without ghosts, her past actions should haunt her. Returning to the mansion was a grave mistake. It's interesting, the Judge has jurisdiction and can condemn the dead. Like Madeline, I wonder what's next.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2024
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This is a chilling chapter filled with all sorts of ghosts from Madeline's past. The ghosts reveal who Madeline was prior to marrying Noah. Even without ghosts, her past actions should haunt her. Returning to the mansion was a grave mistake. It's interesting, the Judge has jurisdiction and can condemn the dead. Like Madeline, I wonder what's next.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2024
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I wonder what's next too? LOL This story takes more out of me to write than I ever thought possible. I think the ghosts haunt me or is that taunt me to write what they want. LOL Thanks as always!
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Esther Brown
Most excellent. Reading on and trying to catch up. You do horror and nightmares very well. I read it too fast to pick up any errors, going back to read again. You have an amazing imagination. Esther
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Most excellent. Reading on and trying to catch up. You do horror and nightmares very well. I read it too fast to pick up any errors, going back to read again. You have an amazing imagination. Esther
Comment Written 14-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Thank you, Esther. I really struggled with this ghost story but I guess it's coming along okay. People are enjoying it but it was so far from anything I normally write. Thank you for reading and the review.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Very good writing. Just keep an eye on your passive and active sentences.
Her heart was hammering in her chest, and her mind was foggy. (passive - Her heart hammered in her chest, and her mind foggy. - active)
A deep voice shattered the silence. "Do you feel a draft?" (silence,)
Maggie grasped a clump of Madeline's hair in her hand, laughing, "Cut it good and short. Or better yet, we could shave it." (laughing.)
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Very good writing. Just keep an eye on your passive and active sentences.
Her heart was hammering in her chest, and her mind was foggy. (passive - Her heart hammered in her chest, and her mind foggy. - active)
A deep voice shattered the silence. "Do you feel a draft?" (silence,)
Maggie grasped a clump of Madeline's hair in her hand, laughing, "Cut it good and short. Or better yet, we could shave it." (laughing.)
Comment Written 14-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Thanks Barbara, I did make all the changes except for her mind foggy...that just doesn't read right for me. Everything else I understood. Appreciate the help as always.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Ulla
This was an amazing chapter, Carol, and now you have convinced me. You can certainly write a ghost story and a quite frightening one at that. Now I'm looking forward to what will happen next. Ulla xcx
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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This was an amazing chapter, Carol, and now you have convinced me. You can certainly write a ghost story and a quite frightening one at that. Now I'm looking forward to what will happen next. Ulla xcx
Comment Written 14-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Every time I doubt myself, a dear friend comes along and boost my spirits. I thank you so much for doing just that. Writing this story has been a bigger challenge than I ever suspected. I am glad you enjoyed it so far.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from royowen
It sounds like Madeleine is good getting her just desserts, but how are they doing these things. And tormenting her, more or less what she had done to others, a complex plot for those of us not in the know as it were. Well dine, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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It sounds like Madeleine is good getting her just desserts, but how are they doing these things. And tormenting her, more or less what she had done to others, a complex plot for those of us not in the know as it were. Well dine, blessings Roy
Comment Written 14-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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There was one hint in this chapter that I will explain in the next..... purgatory. Thank you for reading and commenting on this ghost story of mine. It's been a struggle but I hope you enjoy.
Smiles, Carol
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Most welcome
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was amazing, Carol, you can certainly write horror stories! I loved the way they scared Madeline, I hope she gets more of the same and worse. If that had been me, I would have had a heart-attack by now, and then been in the same place as the sheriff. Which was a fabulous scene! The ripping and clawing of his body, the bats, the whole part was perfect! Now Madeline is promising to leave the mansion and never come back, but can the ghosts trust her? I wouldn't. She'd go after Sandra some other way. Well done, my clever friend, amazing writing, and I'm really enjoying it. I'll be putting on my cute, very tame, poem in a minute that should calm people down after reading yours!!!! LOL. Love and hugs, my freind. Let's have some more! :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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That was amazing, Carol, you can certainly write horror stories! I loved the way they scared Madeline, I hope she gets more of the same and worse. If that had been me, I would have had a heart-attack by now, and then been in the same place as the sheriff. Which was a fabulous scene! The ripping and clawing of his body, the bats, the whole part was perfect! Now Madeline is promising to leave the mansion and never come back, but can the ghosts trust her? I wouldn't. She'd go after Sandra some other way. Well done, my clever friend, amazing writing, and I'm really enjoying it. I'll be putting on my cute, very tame, poem in a minute that should calm people down after reading yours!!!! LOL. Love and hugs, my freind. Let's have some more! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 14-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Oh, my dear Sandra.... you flatter me so much. I never ever imagined how difficult it was to write a ghost story.... especially not the one I set out to write... these characters have a mind of their own. I have new respect for those who do it all the time. I, too, wonder what I will do with Madeline because frightened or not.... the treasure is still luring her to find it. I've been writing some flashes in between too. Something to get the mind off the ghosts. LOL But of course, they can't rate with your chiildren's poems. I look forward to reading the new one.
Thank you over and over for the kindness and support.
Smiles and hugs and all my love, Carol
Comment from Wendy G
Yikes, this is a horror story to beat all horrorstories. The reader is left with goose-bumps and chills up and down the spine. It seems like a vivid description of hell. Well written!
Wendy
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Yikes, this is a horror story to beat all horrorstories. The reader is left with goose-bumps and chills up and down the spine. It seems like a vivid description of hell. Well written!
Wendy
Comment Written 14-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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That's exactly what I was going for when I struggled to write the chapter so I thank you so much. I never knew writing a ghost story would take such effort. Thanks for continuing to follow and for the support.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from karenina
Wowzers, This is intense! Don't ever say you don't know how to write a ghost story...
The description of the Sheriff's punishment being meted out (complete with bats!) sent a chill up my spine!
Can't wait to have the wits scared out of me again!
Karenina
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Wowzers, This is intense! Don't ever say you don't know how to write a ghost story...
The description of the Sheriff's punishment being meted out (complete with bats!) sent a chill up my spine!
Can't wait to have the wits scared out of me again!
Karenina
Comment Written 14-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Good morning, my sweet friend
This chapter took every drop of "chill juice" out of me, and I hope I did justice to the ghosts. Though I wonder if Madeline will really slink away and disappear, or if the conniving woman will be drawn back by the treasure. If it were me, I would already be gone!
Smiles, Carol
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She was terrified for sure! Treasure has a way of luring people back to where they should not return.
Only you know for sure!
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Oh, that's a problem. Because every day I can't decide where this story is going. LOL Now, I think it's time for the men to sit down with Sandra and tell her what's happening.
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Definitely that! I KNOW you...whatever way you go will be perfect!
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent writing, my friend. I am enjoying this story immensely and am looking forward to the next chapter and the conclusion. I'm interested in seeing how the story ends.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Excellent writing, my friend. I am enjoying this story immensely and am looking forward to the next chapter and the conclusion. I'm interested in seeing how the story ends.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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this was a difficult chapter to write and make it on point. I wonder if Madeline will stick to her word and disappear or if she thinks she pulled the wool over the ghosts eyes?
Smiles, Carol
