The Unwilling Heir
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "The Unwilling Heir - Chap 12"A Mysterious Inheritance and Murders
15 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Carol,
Shut. The. Stinking. Door.
Wowzer.
Well. Looks like you're writing a different genre since last I last read, huh? May I say, quite humbly... DO NOT MOVE a SMIDGE. You may have found your calling. Not that you weren't abso delightful at the other -- but this... This...
Well -- It's like champagne and strawberries. It's a hard genre -impossible, actually -- do do well. And it's SOOOO OVERdone. But this -from all of one chap I've seen - is exactly right. Heavy when needed, light when the reader wants more. Truly divine. And you know I do not offer fluff and nonsense praise. I am absolutely pink!
And you probably also I'm still gonna have notes: (sorry!)
1.) She slipped on her slippers and headed
--> slipped/slippers -- just checking
2.) Sandra reacted with a sharp, audible inhale.
--> Sandra inhaled sharply.
2a.) Several places bordered on this type of border-line passive writing. (Many of us do it.) If you have time or care, you might go back and tackle each line one by one. See if there's a straighter line to your point. Elinimate as many words as possible W/OUT losing any of the wonderful 'flavor'. As one other example, I noticed the use of some 'directional' words (prepositions, right?) that can be deleted, in certain situation:
--> Sandra woke [up] in a surprisingly good mood,
--> "It's your choice. You do not have to seek [out] the answers.
--> She pushed [open] a nearby door with trembling hands
--> they're sneaky. *smile* Watch for that.
3.) watching her every move as she tentatively stepped further into the room.
--> 'farther' for distances
So, you know by now I loved it. If possible, I gotta find the time to go back to the beginning -- so thanks A LOT for that. Girl, you still got it. And you are shining it up nicely. Thank you so much. I'd venture to say this is one of the best things I've read here in a while. Yummmm-MEEEE.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Carol,
Shut. The. Stinking. Door.
Wowzer.
Well. Looks like you're writing a different genre since last I last read, huh? May I say, quite humbly... DO NOT MOVE a SMIDGE. You may have found your calling. Not that you weren't abso delightful at the other -- but this... This...
Well -- It's like champagne and strawberries. It's a hard genre -impossible, actually -- do do well. And it's SOOOO OVERdone. But this -from all of one chap I've seen - is exactly right. Heavy when needed, light when the reader wants more. Truly divine. And you know I do not offer fluff and nonsense praise. I am absolutely pink!
And you probably also I'm still gonna have notes: (sorry!)
1.) She slipped on her slippers and headed
--> slipped/slippers -- just checking
2.) Sandra reacted with a sharp, audible inhale.
--> Sandra inhaled sharply.
2a.) Several places bordered on this type of border-line passive writing. (Many of us do it.) If you have time or care, you might go back and tackle each line one by one. See if there's a straighter line to your point. Elinimate as many words as possible W/OUT losing any of the wonderful 'flavor'. As one other example, I noticed the use of some 'directional' words (prepositions, right?) that can be deleted, in certain situation:
--> Sandra woke [up] in a surprisingly good mood,
--> "It's your choice. You do not have to seek [out] the answers.
--> She pushed [open] a nearby door with trembling hands
--> they're sneaky. *smile* Watch for that.
3.) watching her every move as she tentatively stepped further into the room.
--> 'farther' for distances
So, you know by now I loved it. If possible, I gotta find the time to go back to the beginning -- so thanks A LOT for that. Girl, you still got it. And you are shining it up nicely. Thank you so much. I'd venture to say this is one of the best things I've read here in a while. Yummmm-MEEEE.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Awesome! If you only knew the trouble I have had with this story and writing it.... I almost tossed it in the garbage around chapter three, I think. but a few terrific friends asked me to keep trying and I am happy to say I did. It's not easy for me to write this genre and it takes double the time, but I must admit it has been fun. I probably don't get everything right...but then, if I am close, I am satisfied for now. I am thrilled that you enjoyed this chapter and thought it was Yummmm-MEEEE! thank you so much!
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Hell and damnation! Well,you mentioned it first. I like it when people get what they have worked so hard to earn. Good and bad. You write well as always. enjoy the upcoming week. Karen
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2024
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Hell and damnation! Well,you mentioned it first. I like it when people get what they have worked so hard to earn. Good and bad. You write well as always. enjoy the upcoming week. Karen
Comment Written 21-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2024
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Thanks, Karen. Appreciate your stopping by and reading the chapter and commenting. Have a great day!
Smiles, Carol
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U R Welcome Karen :-)
Comment from karenina
Oh, my word, Carol! What a chapter! This takes your basic "ghost story" and kicks it up about ten notches, what with "She lay there, gasping for breath, as she felt his icy hand wrap around her ankle and drag her toward the darkness." I felt the chill! I think you should give Garth a sideline specialty as a ghostbuster and toss him in the mix. You know I love me some Garth!
(grin)
Karenina
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2024
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Oh, my word, Carol! What a chapter! This takes your basic "ghost story" and kicks it up about ten notches, what with "She lay there, gasping for breath, as she felt his icy hand wrap around her ankle and drag her toward the darkness." I felt the chill! I think you should give Garth a sideline specialty as a ghostbuster and toss him in the mix. You know I love me some Garth!
(grin)
Karenina
Comment Written 20-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2024
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LOL...Did you go and change my name or are you talking to a new ghost I may have missed? LOL I so wish Garth was here...he'd ride in and chase every last one of these creeps out of her....and we'd all get a different set of child. LOL
Hugs, Carol
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Oh, dear Lord in heaven, Carol. What a faux pas! My apologies! In my defense, I was "haunted" by your stellar chapter!
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No apologies needed...I don't know who I am most of the time either. LOL
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Oh! My heart is thumping like mad! Who has come to save her? Was it Madeline's footsteps Sandra heard? Obviously she is in the wrong room. I can't wait to read on, Carol, this was a fabulous chapter again! Well done and get on with the next part ... fast!!!!! xxxxx Sandra xxxx
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2024
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Oh! My heart is thumping like mad! Who has come to save her? Was it Madeline's footsteps Sandra heard? Obviously she is in the wrong room. I can't wait to read on, Carol, this was a fabulous chapter again! Well done and get on with the next part ... fast!!!!! xxxxx Sandra xxxx
Comment Written 20-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2024
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Good morning, Sandra....I'm scaring myself with these chapters. LOl This isn't how I intended the story to go, but it certainly claimed a life of its own and is headed that way. Yes, Sandra made a wrong turn and a few (hundred) ghosts didn't want her there.... or maybe it was the book????
Thank you for enjoying this chapter and for all your encouragement and support. Love ya as always.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is an exciting chapter. Sandra is trying to find her way out of the house by following Victoria but ends up in a haunted ballroom with some obviously creepy ghosts. Could it be selfish Madeline is going to save her?
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2024
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This is an exciting chapter. Sandra is trying to find her way out of the house by following Victoria but ends up in a haunted ballroom with some obviously creepy ghosts. Could it be selfish Madeline is going to save her?
Comment Written 19-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2024
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Obviously, Sandra wasn't where she was suppose to be and it wasn't a friendly place either. LOL Madeline was following...did someone get her too or did she actually stoop so low as to h elp someone? Guess we will see! Thanks so much!
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Julie Helms
Excellent spookfest! I got two main impressions from this chapter...the mansion is ginormous and it is inhabited by a whole battalion of ghosts.
Really well crafted tension and action. Plus the mystery of what the heck is going on. Nicely done!
Julie
:-)
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2024
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Excellent spookfest! I got two main impressions from this chapter...the mansion is ginormous and it is inhabited by a whole battalion of ghosts.
Really well crafted tension and action. Plus the mystery of what the heck is going on. Nicely done!
Julie
:-)
Comment Written 19-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2024
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Oh my dear Julie, what a wonderful moment to wake up to this morning. This story has been a rope around my neck and to discover that I might have hit the mark!!! Well, I am thrilled. Thank you so much for your kindness and the review. Yes, it will be made clear soon why the mansion is so huge and the reason so many ghosts are living there. I don't know if I am going about this the right way, but I hope so.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Wendy G
My goodness, that was very scary, a blend and blurring of supernatural and real. And it is no consolation to know that Madeline is following. Sandra is surrounded by mystery and danger, and has no idea who her friends might be - if any. Very dramatic writing.
Wendy
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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My goodness, that was very scary, a blend and blurring of supernatural and real. And it is no consolation to know that Madeline is following. Sandra is surrounded by mystery and danger, and has no idea who her friends might be - if any. Very dramatic writing.
Wendy
Comment Written 19-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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Wow! Thank you so very much WEndy for all the kind comments and of course the stars. The story has a life of its own and isn't at all what I set out to write, but it's been a wild ride for sure. I am thrilled that you are enjoying it. Thanks again!
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Firstly, congrats, Carol, on your book achievement! You seem to have no problem here continuing your imaginative run, this time with this very chilling and spooky story about ghosts. I'm wondering if it's Madeleine who screams to Sandra. Particularly enjoyed the evocative description of the ballroom. Thanks for sharing your excellent, error-free chapter, a pleasure to read. Debbie
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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Firstly, congrats, Carol, on your book achievement! You seem to have no problem here continuing your imaginative run, this time with this very chilling and spooky story about ghosts. I'm wondering if it's Madeleine who screams to Sandra. Particularly enjoyed the evocative description of the ballroom. Thanks for sharing your excellent, error-free chapter, a pleasure to read. Debbie
Comment Written 19-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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Thank you so much for all your best wishes and the comments of this story as well. This story isn't what I set out to write, but I always say my stories have a life of their own. Guess this one will be sppok-tacular. LOL Thanks again.
Smiles, Carol
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Haha! It must be great when they have a life of their own. Mr Robert Frost knows all about that:" I have never started a poem yet whose end I knew. Writing a poem is discovering." Have a great weekend!
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In the Masterclass writing classes, they say we should write an outline and know everything about our characters, but I must be one of those "fly by the seat of your pants" writers but I never know about the ending until I write it. I get an idea and then I run with it. LOL
Smiles, Carol
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I agree with your style. It would become very rigid if you were sticking to a premeditated plan. A bit like painting a picture within an outline.
Comment from LJbutterfly
When you initially said "ghost story," I thought the story would be about Sandra and a few ghosts popping in every now and then. NO! This is a ghost story where the ghosts are the main characters. Chilling. Sandra, one of the few humans, is in a truly haunted mansion. How will she ever tell this story?
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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When you initially said "ghost story," I thought the story would be about Sandra and a few ghosts popping in every now and then. NO! This is a ghost story where the ghosts are the main characters. Chilling. Sandra, one of the few humans, is in a truly haunted mansion. How will she ever tell this story?
Comment Written 19-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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Hi, Lorraine...When I started writing, it was only going to be a few ghosts but someone this story got a life of it's own and the story line has changed drastically from where I originally was headed. I hope it's "spook-tacular" LOL. Wonder what Lorrie has to say about all this????
Smiles, Carol
Comment from royowen
I can't remember anyone writing of ghosts, ghouls and nasty wraiths on fanstory before, but you did it very well indeed Carol, in fact, superbly well, so we have Sandra and Madeleine with completely different aims and goals, beautifully written dear girl, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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I can't remember anyone writing of ghosts, ghouls and nasty wraiths on fanstory before, but you did it very well indeed Carol, in fact, superbly well, so we have Sandra and Madeleine with completely different aims and goals, beautifully written dear girl, blessings Roy
Comment Written 19-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2024
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Thank you so much for your awesome comments, Roy. To be honest, when I started writing this story it wasn't suppose to be so "ghostly" but I always say my stories take on a life of their own. I am honored that you think I have done this so well. Thank you so much.
Smiles, Carol
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Same
