Comment from Julie Helms

Excellent

Hi Jim,

I think you have a great start to your novel here. You get the mystery on board fast with the issue of the Glyptophan coming out and making us wonder what exactly the FBI has to do with it. Then you give us a good hook to keep reading with her suspension at the end.

I have a few suggestions in case you are interested.

1. You do some flipping between present and past tense throughout. Past is your dominant tense, so I'd suggest changing the present to match that. You did it a number of times but here are two examples:

--"I'm an IT security consultant." This **is** [present] a lie. **I'm** really an FBI field agent,

--"So let me guess," **said**[past]. "There's [...] discovering its source?"
She's amazingly close
This **is** [present] something of a coincidence, though. Of all the fields she may have been in, it's the one most closely related to my current problem. Strange! This **triggered** [past]...

2. I recommend not switching into second person. It's not considered correct in fiction as it breaks the third wall. This can simply be reworded in 1st or 3rd person--I don't, one doesn't

In short, **you** don't in casual conversation. And, of course, **you** never divulge anything about the work **you** are doing

3. In the middle of the chapter, you change over to telling not showing. It would feel like less of an information download if you just work important aspects into conversation. Maybe consider if the reader actually needs to know all this backstory this at this point.

The conversation lightened considerably after that, and we discussed things such as our husbands and their foibles. Etc...
~~~

I'm married to a career pharmaceutical guy, so your storyline has definitely piqued my interest. I look forward to reading more!
Julie

 Comment Written 29-Jan-2025

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reply by the author on 29-Jan-2025

Hi Julie. Thanks very much for your detailed review. I'm glad the story piqued your interest, and I would be delighted if you were to continue reading it.

I appreciate your stylistic comments too. They say you should never defend your work, but this is a writers' forum, and, personally, I enjoy discussing the finer points of writing. I have some responses if you would care to hear them. Maybe we can both learn something through a discussion.

reply by Julie Helms on 29-Jan-2025

That would be fine. You could switch to the private message system because this reply-to-replies box is teeny tiny!
:-)

reply by the author on 29-Jan-2025

That's okay. I'll just respond here. It's easy enough to pull the corner of the box and make it bigger.

Most of my fiction I write in past tense for, say, 98% of it, but I choose present tense when what I'm saying continues on past the point of the action into the future. I often use this for descriptions of people. For example:

I walked into the room and saw Sharon. She is as gorgeous as ever.

I switched to present tense because her beauty continues on. Now, I could have said she was as gorgeous as ever, and many writers do. But I prefer the logic of the distinction to indicate things that persist. Many writers do it this way too.

I often slip up and forget to use present tense when I should, as in the second paragraph of the story where I said, "The author of this remark was an attractive woman... " To be consistent, I should have said "is an attractive woman" because she will remain attractive for some time.

This begs the question: How long should something persist to warrant putting it in present tense? I believe it's a judgment call.

In regards to your second point about the use of second person, to me, this sounded perfectly natural in the context I used it. The beauty of writing in first person is that you can express internal thoughts very much like dialog. In this case, her statement: "In short, you don't in casual conversation. And, of course, you never divulge anything about the work you're doing..." is like an answer to a question someone might ask, such as: What are the rules about divulging your profession?

I agree with you that some of the information dump in the middle could have been shortened or eliminated. Much of it is not relevant to the story as it turns out but was meant to be more of a thumbnail sketch to give a little information about the characters. It probably wasn't necessary, though, in retrospect.

Again, thanks very much for your comments, Julie. They made me really think about what I'm doing.

reply by Julie Helms on 29-Jan-2025

I am jealous. My box does not enlarge. I'll add it to the list of things that either my OS (according to Tom) or my tablet do not mesh with the functionality of Fanstory.
Anyway, your comments about style choices are perfectly valid. I stand by the accuracy of my observations, but once a writer knows how to do it correctly, then there is great latitude to bend the rules in order to achieve a certain effect.
I do this in my writing with sentence fragments, for example. They are not grammatically correct, but I use them for emphasis or tone or whatever. But I don't think novice writers should use them until they can understand what it is they are doing.
Your defense shows that you are going for a particular effect and have the knowledge to do so, and that is great. Most on FS do not, so when I put on my editor's cap to do reviews here, I'm often dealing with the basics.
I'm not sure I've read you before, or not recently, so it's wonderful to encounter a writer with skill!
I'd like to follow you so I can read along with your story, and now that I have more specific information about the choices you makes as a writer, I can keep that in mind.
Thank you, Jim!
:-)

reply by the author on 29-Jan-2025

Thanks for your wonderful response, Julie. I guess that box stretching only works on a desktop or laptop computer.

Please don't ever hesitate to comment about anything you might take exception with. I'm always trying to improve my craft and appreciate critiques because they make me think about my writing. It's always good to hear other perspectives.

I agree that experienced writers know when they can break the rules. Your example of sentence fragments is a good one.

I know that my writing sometimes gets long-winded and tends to explain things that might better be left to the reader to conclude for himself. This comes from my background as a systems analyst in which I had to be extremely clear in my technical writing and leave no ambiguity in my word choices.

I also have a tendency to do very little scene-setting or description of the environment, but prefer to spend the time on character development and plot. I know scene-setting can make for a more immersive experience, but it's not a strength of mine, and I tend to dislike it in novels that I read and often skim over those parts. Dean Koontz drives me nuts sometimes for this reason.

Good talking with you, Julie, and I hope we can continue to share writing perspectives.

Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell

Excellent

I intend to read the whole of this book, even if it means I need to 'catch up' at times. I'm in hospital often, so I miss chapters.
I love the start of this novel. Your introduction has given me some great knowledge of Fran and Dana. I'm going straight on and reading chapter 2. Well done, I enjoyed getting to know these two ladies. :) Sandra xx

 Comment Written 09-Nov-2024

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reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024

Thank you, Sandra. I really appreciate your kind words, and I hope I maintain your interest in this story. It's a sequel to my last one, and you'll hear bits and pieces of it as we go along.

Comment from Pearl Edwards

Excellent

This was a good opening chapter to your new book, Jim. I could really visualize the scene with Dana and Fran, having a drink, both up for a chat,perhaps with a new friendship about to begin. well done, Jim.
cheers,
valda

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2024

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reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024

So glad to see you back for this one, valda. Yes, these two will become good friends before the end. You may be amused by the third one when I introduce her in chapter 3.

Comment from Janet Foor

Exceptional

Since I live in North Carolina, I am familiar with kudzu. It takes over whole trees and while the foliage is pretty, it is a big hazard.
Great way to start your story and I'm looking forward to what will happen to these characters.
Blessings
Janet

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2024

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reply by the author on 08-Nov-2024

Howdy, neighbor. I live here too. There's plenty of kudzu around us, and while it's pretty when it's all green, it does swallow up everything else. That's the fear with what's facing Fran. We'll find out what it is in the next chapter that came out today.

Comment from Karen Cherry

Excellent

I sense a plant. Dana seems to have asked personal questions from the get go. Well written. I am depressed and worried for our nation. Us democrats are wusses. And, the republicans are in deep denial and continue to be an embarassment. I worry. Good writing though. Karen

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2024

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reply by the author on 08-Nov-2024

Ah, don't worry so much. It might turn out better than you thought! Let's hope, anyway.

Comment from BethShelby

Excellent

It is good to see these characters continuing in the new book. I anxious to find out why Fran was suspended. I'm also anxious to know how Brian drug may have problem being blocked by those who will lose money by having it on the market.

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2024

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reply by the author on 08-Nov-2024

It will end up making sense why she was suspended, but that doesn't mean she will listen. You've already gleaned that this story will have two major plot lines, Beth.

Comment from Thesis

Excellent

This is a good beginning to an interesting story. I like the characters, the way they seem to have randomly met, and the fact that Fran has to hide her identity. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens in the next chapter.

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2024

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reply by the author on 08-Nov-2024

Hi, Thesis. Thanks for reviewing and glad you enjoyed it. I just posted the second chapter today, so you can now find out why Fran was suspended.

Comment from Alex Biasin

Good

It took me a little to get into this, as there was no immediate "hook" to draw you into the story.
There is a lot of back story crammed into the scene, which for me made it a little hard to get immediately drawn in.
I did think that the characters were interesting and by the end, I definitely wanted to know more about why the lead character was suspended and what her case was about.


This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2024

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reply by the author on 08-Nov-2024

Thank you for your review, Alex. I agree with you; there is no flashy hook like a fight scene in a Jack Reacher novel. There are actually two, and they are more subtle. There is something spreading like kudzu that Fran needs to stop, and Big Pharma is displeased with a new drug invented by Fran's brother that threatens their profits.

If you continue reading, you'll find out the answer to the suspension in the next chapter posted today.

Comment from T B Botts

Excellent

Hi Jim,
this certainly looks interesting. I'm a little concerned already that perhaps her cover could be blown somehow. Perhaps meeting Dana was strictly a coincidence, but the odds seem to be somewhat against it. I look forward to reading more.
Well done my friend.
Tom

 Comment Written 07-Nov-2024

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reply by the author on 07-Nov-2024

Thanks, Tom. I'm happy to see you back for this one. I'll be bringing a few characters from previous novels into this one, of couple of whom you'll remember. In fact, Dana Padgett, whom you've met here is one such, but I don't think you read the one she was in.

Comment from Tim Margetts

Excellent

This was a good read and got me into the heart of the story's opening credits. Now I want to know why she got suspended.
However I am also wondering if the meeting was entirely co-incidence.
Hmmm

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2024

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reply by the author on 07-Nov-2024

Thanks very much, Tim. We'll find out the reason for the suspension in the next chapter coming tomorrow.