My Day On Board the Enterprise
An adventure with the USS Enterprise21 total reviews
Comment from Yolanda King
I like it when sth ordinary gets turned into sth special, I also like it that a woman/girl is the heroine (-:
The bits of humor are also a nice touch.
And I'm not naked. I just want to confirm that. Kirk grinned. = that."
"Help?" I asked, staring at him like he'd lost his mind.
"I'm just here because some random transporter thing decided I needed to be on a spaceship. I don't know the first thing about space travel." = you should add the second sentence immediately after mind. Else it's a bit confusing.
It appears to be of the shrinking variety. = variety."
floated the weirdest alien I've ever seen = I'd ever seen
I immediately pointed at the alien and shouted, "I knew it! You said you were'nt going to shrink me!" = weren't; also, it wasn't the alien that had promised not to shrink you
"No, it's terrifying! I yelled. I'm the size of a chihuahua. = terrifying!" I yelled. "I'm the...
Zorlok, meanwhile was hovering = meanwhile,
"Now, you shall experience the power of my shrink ray." "No, no, no, no, = I'd put in a paragraph here after ray." to indicate that it's another person speaking
"What have you done!" Zorlok shrieked, floating around in a panic. = why is he floating?
And that, is how I accidentally = no , after that
Good luck.
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I like it when sth ordinary gets turned into sth special, I also like it that a woman/girl is the heroine (-:
The bits of humor are also a nice touch.
And I'm not naked. I just want to confirm that. Kirk grinned. = that."
"Help?" I asked, staring at him like he'd lost his mind.
"I'm just here because some random transporter thing decided I needed to be on a spaceship. I don't know the first thing about space travel." = you should add the second sentence immediately after mind. Else it's a bit confusing.
It appears to be of the shrinking variety. = variety."
floated the weirdest alien I've ever seen = I'd ever seen
I immediately pointed at the alien and shouted, "I knew it! You said you were'nt going to shrink me!" = weren't; also, it wasn't the alien that had promised not to shrink you
"No, it's terrifying! I yelled. I'm the size of a chihuahua. = terrifying!" I yelled. "I'm the...
Zorlok, meanwhile was hovering = meanwhile,
"Now, you shall experience the power of my shrink ray." "No, no, no, no, = I'd put in a paragraph here after ray." to indicate that it's another person speaking
"What have you done!" Zorlok shrieked, floating around in a panic. = why is he floating?
And that, is how I accidentally = no , after that
Good luck.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2025
Comment from kiwisteveh
OK so now we're into Star Trek Fan-Fic... It's entertaining and a little bit silly, much like the original show. There ar a couple of gaps, perhaps, like why did they beam you up in the first place and maybe just a lapse of concentration when you shrank Zorlok to two-feet tall when you were already much smaller than that, but hey, poetic licence, right?
All good fun. Good luck in the contest.
Steve
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OK so now we're into Star Trek Fan-Fic... It's entertaining and a little bit silly, much like the original show. There ar a couple of gaps, perhaps, like why did they beam you up in the first place and maybe just a lapse of concentration when you shrank Zorlok to two-feet tall when you were already much smaller than that, but hey, poetic licence, right?
All good fun. Good luck in the contest.
Steve
Comment Written 13-Apr-2025
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Well, although I'm not a particular fan of Star Trek, I still think you did a great job of transporting me into the Space Trek universe. You build quickly on your protagonist, making her very credible and, then, in a relatively short piece, you provide the reader with humour, entertainment and a 'shrink ray' adventure. I like the way you imagine the mouse and refer to it scampering and dodging the giant footsteps. I was a bit confused when you referred to the team returning "everyone" to their proper size as I thought it was only Zorlok and yourself. Also, sometimes I get lost with who was speaking the dialogue e.g. "I stared up at him, my tiny fists on my tiny hips." (Best to keep the following piece of dialogue on the same line so that it's clear who's speaking).
Also edits: "You said you weren(')t going to shrink me"
scruf(f)
But well done, Jacquelyn, on this excellent, imaginative and very readable story, well-structured with a pleasing finale. Good luck! Debbie
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Well, although I'm not a particular fan of Star Trek, I still think you did a great job of transporting me into the Space Trek universe. You build quickly on your protagonist, making her very credible and, then, in a relatively short piece, you provide the reader with humour, entertainment and a 'shrink ray' adventure. I like the way you imagine the mouse and refer to it scampering and dodging the giant footsteps. I was a bit confused when you referred to the team returning "everyone" to their proper size as I thought it was only Zorlok and yourself. Also, sometimes I get lost with who was speaking the dialogue e.g. "I stared up at him, my tiny fists on my tiny hips." (Best to keep the following piece of dialogue on the same line so that it's clear who's speaking).
Also edits: "You said you weren(')t going to shrink me"
scruf(f)
But well done, Jacquelyn, on this excellent, imaginative and very readable story, well-structured with a pleasing finale. Good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 12-Apr-2025
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
We are Star Trek fans here too. This was so much fun to read! This is a well written story and photo presentation. It has good imagery; descriptions, and dialogue. It is also thought provoking. I enjoyed reading!!
Best wishes,
Alex 😊
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We are Star Trek fans here too. This was so much fun to read! This is a well written story and photo presentation. It has good imagery; descriptions, and dialogue. It is also thought provoking. I enjoyed reading!!
Best wishes,
Alex 😊
Comment Written 11-Apr-2025
Comment from Teri7
This is a very cute post you have penned. You used great descriptive words and very good story about shrinking and shrinking others. Best wishes in the contest. Teri
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This is a very cute post you have penned. You used great descriptive words and very good story about shrinking and shrinking others. Best wishes in the contest. Teri
Comment Written 11-Apr-2025
Comment from Bill Schott
The story, My Day on Board the Enterprise, is charming and filled with the cheery tone we associate with the crew of the NCC-1701 Constitution-class starship.
The easy acceptance of the purpose for your being onboard is accepted and an adventure begins immediately.
The tale goes quickly, and I see perhaps it got ahead of the size to which you shrunk. You were the size of a mouse, then two-feet tall. That's a big mouse!
I am also a Star Trek TOS fan and enjoyed seeing the three primary characters in a scene again. Nice.
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The story, My Day on Board the Enterprise, is charming and filled with the cheery tone we associate with the crew of the NCC-1701 Constitution-class starship.
The easy acceptance of the purpose for your being onboard is accepted and an adventure begins immediately.
The tale goes quickly, and I see perhaps it got ahead of the size to which you shrunk. You were the size of a mouse, then two-feet tall. That's a big mouse!
I am also a Star Trek TOS fan and enjoyed seeing the three primary characters in a scene again. Nice.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2025
Comment from pome lover
don't tell me Star Trek is still on, somewhere.
This certainly is an original and challenging entry for the "This sentence starts the story."
I used to watch it, too, many years ago. Is Kirk still alive? Well, he is in
your story, and that's what counts. And you got to be a heroine! Good for you. Best of luck in the contest.
Katharine
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don't tell me Star Trek is still on, somewhere.
This certainly is an original and challenging entry for the "This sentence starts the story."
I used to watch it, too, many years ago. Is Kirk still alive? Well, he is in
your story, and that's what counts. And you got to be a heroine! Good for you. Best of luck in the contest.
Katharine
Comment Written 09-Apr-2025
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Ha, ha, ha, I like how this sentence prologues chaos: "There is an alien on board. It is... malfunctioning. It appears to be of the shrinking variety. " Bu well is well when it ends well. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings and the contest.
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Ha, ha, ha, I like how this sentence prologues chaos: "There is an alien on board. It is... malfunctioning. It appears to be of the shrinking variety. " Bu well is well when it ends well. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings and the contest.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2025
Comment from bob cullen
This is so original and creative. I have one request. Is it possible for you to give my mother-in-law a double dose. And can you provide the service via e-mail.
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This is so original and creative. I have one request. Is it possible for you to give my mother-in-law a double dose. And can you provide the service via e-mail.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2025
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
You do have a good story here and I enjoy anything Star Trek. However, you do have a major problem. When someone speaks, it is a new paragraph along with anything about that person. As soon as another person speaks, whatever they say and do is a new paragraph. e.g.
"He raised an eyebrow. "Who are you?"
"Uh, . . . I'm just a girl," I said, completely baffled. "I was just sitting . . .
"Kirk and another guy exchanged . . .
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You do have a good story here and I enjoy anything Star Trek. However, you do have a major problem. When someone speaks, it is a new paragraph along with anything about that person. As soon as another person speaks, whatever they say and do is a new paragraph. e.g.
"He raised an eyebrow. "Who are you?"
"Uh, . . . I'm just a girl," I said, completely baffled. "I was just sitting . . .
"Kirk and another guy exchanged . . .
Comment Written 05-Apr-2025
