Lust
a tasteful erotic poem24 total reviews
Comment from Fleedleflump
Hi Alvin.
I applaud the attempt here to squeeze a sex scene into a tight iambic and rhyming structure, but is has led to some less than subtle word choices.
For example: "she was desiring a man to lay" - this may be my Englishness, but to me that's a pretty crass, slang term (if one is trying to be offensive over here, describing a woman as "a cheap lay" is an option). Granted, she may be flushed with a strong, rampant desire, but if the poem's going for 'erotic', this spoils it somewhat. Also, does the mop metaphor have any relevance beyond the descriptive? Does she see him/his hair as a motif for cleansing/cleaning herself? If so, it's not carried through. When she's fearing he's a fop, is this an allusion to her worrying that he may be gay, and hence reject her? Otherwise she's worried about him being meticulous, which seems a strange reaction.
Other not so subtle word choices: "his eager member", "his lips upon her moistened hole" (both of these sound very clinical, and definitely not erotic), "his own pole" (not only is the "own" extraneous and seemingly there only to satisfy the pentameter (after all, it's not likely to be someone else's (unless this is a VERY dirty poem ;-))), the word "pole" feels all description as opposed to imagery).
I'll grant you, it is difficult to find rhyming erotic words, but there's always metaphors, and pairings such as length/strength, doors/floor, slide/glide ...
My only other comment is the repetition in the final five lines, three of which basically say the same thing; 'two became one'. It's a beautiful image, and one of the most fundamental aspects of love-making, but the point feels over-made, and the beauty and spirituality of the concept is at odds with the hot need expressed earlier in the poem.
Like I say, I applaud the taking on of this task in the first place, and your placing such restrictions upon yourself but I do think this one needs a little more work, chiefly in terms of consistency of atmosphere (is it hard/rampant/passionate/needful, or slow/spritual/beautiful) and sensuality of the language.
I hope my thoughts have been helpful.
Mike
reply by the author on 26-May-2009
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Hi Alvin.
I applaud the attempt here to squeeze a sex scene into a tight iambic and rhyming structure, but is has led to some less than subtle word choices.
For example: "she was desiring a man to lay" - this may be my Englishness, but to me that's a pretty crass, slang term (if one is trying to be offensive over here, describing a woman as "a cheap lay" is an option). Granted, she may be flushed with a strong, rampant desire, but if the poem's going for 'erotic', this spoils it somewhat. Also, does the mop metaphor have any relevance beyond the descriptive? Does she see him/his hair as a motif for cleansing/cleaning herself? If so, it's not carried through. When she's fearing he's a fop, is this an allusion to her worrying that he may be gay, and hence reject her? Otherwise she's worried about him being meticulous, which seems a strange reaction.
Other not so subtle word choices: "his eager member", "his lips upon her moistened hole" (both of these sound very clinical, and definitely not erotic), "his own pole" (not only is the "own" extraneous and seemingly there only to satisfy the pentameter (after all, it's not likely to be someone else's (unless this is a VERY dirty poem ;-))), the word "pole" feels all description as opposed to imagery).
I'll grant you, it is difficult to find rhyming erotic words, but there's always metaphors, and pairings such as length/strength, doors/floor, slide/glide ...
My only other comment is the repetition in the final five lines, three of which basically say the same thing; 'two became one'. It's a beautiful image, and one of the most fundamental aspects of love-making, but the point feels over-made, and the beauty and spirituality of the concept is at odds with the hot need expressed earlier in the poem.
Like I say, I applaud the taking on of this task in the first place, and your placing such restrictions upon yourself but I do think this one needs a little more work, chiefly in terms of consistency of atmosphere (is it hard/rampant/passionate/needful, or slow/spritual/beautiful) and sensuality of the language.
I hope my thoughts have been helpful.
Mike
Comment Written 26-May-2009
reply by the author on 26-May-2009
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Thank you for your review. For clarification, I was trying to write this in Tudor/Stuart English, which was a mix of aesthetics and bawdiness (e.g. Shakespeare.) I am sorry that did not come through.
Comment from Colette
Hi Alvin, me being a good Irish "girl" I only read this because it was written by you Lol. You are so talented man and yes I did enjoy it (with my husband of course) Isn't it amazing you have to date 171 view's and 22 reviews, obviously
there are a lot of people out there who are teenagers at heart. Good luck in the
contest Colette.
reply by the author on 25-May-2009
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Hi Alvin, me being a good Irish "girl" I only read this because it was written by you Lol. You are so talented man and yes I did enjoy it (with my husband of course) Isn't it amazing you have to date 171 view's and 22 reviews, obviously
there are a lot of people out there who are teenagers at heart. Good luck in the
contest Colette.
Comment Written 24-May-2009
reply by the author on 25-May-2009
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Yes, if this were a short story, they would probably marry! There's a lot of first love in that lust. Thanks for a good review.
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Alvin,
I meant lots of people taking sneaky looks but not many putting their names to it,
the book under the mattress syndrome LoL good luck Colette
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OH, I see. I can be dense sometimes.
Comment from Annelisa
You paint a clear image of the two people finding pleasure and comfort in each other's bodies.
I don't often read the "mature" poetry unless I know the author's other works because I find it crude, vulgar and definately not erotic. To me erotica should leave some room for interpretation to the reader's imagination
You kept yours tasteful, just like you said...I thank you for that :)
Personally certain words turn me off...such as member and whole--I just find them cold. That being said, it is a difficult endeavor to make a erotic poem with a set rhyme scheme. I am impressed with your ability.
Well done and best of luck.
Annelisa
reply by the author on 23-May-2009
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You paint a clear image of the two people finding pleasure and comfort in each other's bodies.
I don't often read the "mature" poetry unless I know the author's other works because I find it crude, vulgar and definately not erotic. To me erotica should leave some room for interpretation to the reader's imagination
You kept yours tasteful, just like you said...I thank you for that :)
Personally certain words turn me off...such as member and whole--I just find them cold. That being said, it is a difficult endeavor to make a erotic poem with a set rhyme scheme. I am impressed with your ability.
Well done and best of luck.
Annelisa
Comment Written 23-May-2009
reply by the author on 23-May-2009
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yYes, I understand that. But "member" is probably the gentlest word for penis there is. "Hole" just rhymes well. I would prefer less obvious words as well, but I am stuck with what the English language gives me. Thanks for a great review.
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LOL...I'm only laughing becaus I couldn't think of a "nice" or sexy word for it. Maybe there isn't one????
Comment from Kentucky Sweet Pea
alrighty then! lol! damnit alvin, this is practically pornography! (don't worry i used to own a porn shop) you amaze me with your versatility!
penny
reply by the author on 23-May-2009
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alrighty then! lol! damnit alvin, this is practically pornography! (don't worry i used to own a porn shop) you amaze me with your versatility!
penny
Comment Written 22-May-2009
reply by the author on 23-May-2009
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Well, I don't think the same people who read my spiritual poems read my erotica. When I taught Philosophy of Art, we often had discussions on what was porn and what was art. Part of it is in the viewer's mind (SHAME ON YOU, PENNY--SMILE), but most of it is does it have what is viewed in general as an aesthetic quality. Thanks for a great review.
Comment from babylonia
definitely looks like a quatrain. erotica without the vulgarity. nicely done. made me smile. easy to read and follow. no spaggies. imagery is excellent.
great job.
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 18-May-2009
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definitely looks like a quatrain. erotica without the vulgarity. nicely done. made me smile. easy to read and follow. no spaggies. imagery is excellent.
great job.
love,
barbara
Comment Written 18-May-2009
reply by the author on 18-May-2009
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Thank you; that was exactly the form I wanted to convey. Thank you also for this marvelous review.
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you are very welcome~
Comment from KYPollard/El Gato
This is steamy. You describe sex in a beautiful way. It was my pleasure to read. I found no errors. Good luck in the contest, my friend.
reply by the author on 18-May-2009
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This is steamy. You describe sex in a beautiful way. It was my pleasure to read. I found no errors. Good luck in the contest, my friend.
Comment Written 18-May-2009
reply by the author on 18-May-2009
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Thank you for a very kind review. I do believe sex is beautiful.
Comment from Vladilynn
Geeesssshh! i have to read and comment on last for this one!! Just to say!! i thought not to join because when I've read yours I assumed you'll be a winner already!! Geeeessshh!!! now what I'll do!!? haaaaaa..haaaaa..
Good luck
Thank you for sharing
Love much
Lynn ( ^ __________ ^ )
reply by the author on 17-May-2009
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Geeesssshh! i have to read and comment on last for this one!! Just to say!! i thought not to join because when I've read yours I assumed you'll be a winner already!! Geeeessshh!!! now what I'll do!!? haaaaaa..haaaaa..
Good luck
Thank you for sharing
Love much
Lynn ( ^ __________ ^ )
Comment Written 17-May-2009
reply by the author on 17-May-2009
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Join. Not everyone will like the fact I wrote this in verse, and knowing your talent, I think you will get votes. Thanks for a good review; I know I owe you some.
Comment from Artasylum
this is very well done. love the completely eroticism of this. The Lust, The Passion, The Anonymity, The ability to detach...yours, diana
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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this is very well done. love the completely eroticism of this. The Lust, The Passion, The Anonymity, The ability to detach...yours, diana
Comment Written 16-May-2009
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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Thank you for such a kind review. You are a good woman.
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thanks Alvin...I have been gone a while and miss my old friends...yours, diana
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It's good to have you back. I have been meaning to ask you to do some illustrations in the fall/winter (for pay, for course.)
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sounds good kiddo...let's do it...yours, diana
Comment from zlp22
Great poem, all the words flowed just right, like it was happening right before me. I'm getting hot just reading it.Got to take a shower.
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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Great poem, all the words flowed just right, like it was happening right before me. I'm getting hot just reading it.Got to take a shower.
Comment Written 16-May-2009
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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Alone or with someone? SMILE. Thanks for a great review.
Comment from honeytree
I felt the words flowed and were very descriptive and I guess both partners had a very good day.
The words were written very well.
Honeytree.
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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I felt the words flowed and were very descriptive and I guess both partners had a very good day.
The words were written very well.
Honeytree.
Comment Written 16-May-2009
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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Thanks for a great review.
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I am glad you liked the review. I enjoyed reading this Heather Honeytree.
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I am glad you liked the review. I enjoyed reading this Heather Honeytree.